Ahhhh! Where did the time go?!

I cannot believe how fast time has gone! This feels like a whirlwind! So much has happened, and my life allows for so little “me” time, that I haven’t had time to update my blog. So here is a peek at what has been happening these last 6 months!

Rylan is doing AMAZING! He is 16 months old and so much fun! He is crawling up a storm and cruising along, nearly walking, but not there yet. He has a mouth full of teeth, 14 to be exact, and is eating like a champ! He does 3 meal times a day, and still has to do some feeds through his G-Tube as we had a small hiccup in his progress. During a repeat swallow study, they detected some aspiration with the thin liquid consistency. The doctors agreed that since he had been drinking liquids for almost 6 months, had good respiratory health, and was growing well, that they would let us continue to do feeds and liquids by mouth, but still use the G-Tube. He is working with PT and OT to get his strength up and get him walking and talking.

We had some genetic testing recommended by his pediatrician, and in February, it came back that he had a chromosome 1 deletion. We met with a geneticist and learned that he is a Q1.21 microdeletion. We are going to do testing on ourselves to see who the carrier is, but as far as Rylan, the only things we can tell it has affected is his developmental delay, and weakened muscle tone. So that was reassuring.

In September, our little man turned 1! It was such a wonderful and surreal moment to watch this baby turn 1 and feel relieved that we made it out of some scary situations by the grace of God. He is so sweet and funny and cute, it blows me away! His little personality develops more and more each day. He loves to play peek-a-boo, and throw things out of my crib/pack and play. He loves Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, and gets excited every time the Hot Dog song comes on. He LOVES the water and enjoys baths. He has so many variations of giggles, it cracks me up every time. He is in love with our cat Bailey and they play together well. He loves snuggles, and laying on a pillow next to you and watching videos until his eyes are too heavy to watch. He gives the world’s best hugs and blows cute little kisses, with tongue sticking out and all! He gives some good attitude but a silly face can make it go away almost instantly. He is very particular about things, like how is pacifier is placed in his mouth, how is blanket it, or where you put his milk cup. He absolutely LOVES Cheetos, but eats nearly every flavor of food you can think of. There are a million more things I could say about my incredible son, but I will make this short.

My best friend came out from Texas and got to meet Rylan, which was one of the best moments! They bonded instantly and it made me wish we lived closer.

We planned a little cabin getaway for my birthday about an hour away and had a blast. The cabin came packed with stuff for all ages, including a pack and play! We had tons of fun and even got to see a family of deer a few feet away from us!

Christmas was much better for everyone, and he seemed to really enjoy it which was fun. We met Santa, and he changed his mind on liking him from last year. (picture below). He made his own cookie plate and enjoyed looking at lights. We did a walk around Broadmoor lake and opened presents which he gladly ripped apart. It was a wonderful holiday season!

We are starting off the new year full of hopes for this coming year! There is so much to be thankful for and so much I try not to take for granted! I hope this year is filled with lots of love, laughter and great memories! And hopefully more time to update :)

 

9 Months and Counting!

To say that time is flying by is an understatement! Where is it all going?! I cannot believe my little guy is already 9 months old. So much has happened in the last few months, some not so good, but mostly, it has been a pretty amazing few months!

The biggest update in our lives is that Rylan can finally have food orally!! YAY!!! He had a swallow study on May 30^th at Children’s, and he did amazingly well! They started him off with formula in a bottle, and while it threw him through a loop to have liquid coming out of something that resembled his binky, after a few tries, he drank. He had 6 swallows with no aspiration! Next up was puree’s. He had sweet potatoes, which is the first food he ever had in his life, and wasn’t too thrilled. He was so confused to have something coming towards his face and into his mouth. They had to sweeten it up with kool-aid, but they were finally able to get 3 bites in, and with those bites, he swallowed all 3 successfully with no aspiration! He did have a few episodes of passive swallowing, where he didn’t actually swallow, gravity took over and made its way to the right place. We were cleared to work with his OT to start feeding therapy and introduce puree’s to him. They told us that it would probably be a few months before he would fully eat as babies who have not been fed orally have a learning curve. This kid has blown that out of the water! He did so well with his OT, that after a week, we were allowed to start feeding him at home. It has been over a month and this kid is a champ! He has done so well, we had to back off his feeds a little so we were not over feeding him. To date, he has had and like the following; sweet potatoes, apples, bananas, butternut squash, pumpkin, pears, green beans, spinach, zucchini, peas, apple cinnamon granola, and blueberries. This chunky monkey likes to eat! Not only that, but he is also drinking formula by mouth with either his honey bear (sippy cup) or a real cup. We are beyond proud of him and how far he has come!

The only little set back he has had was the unfortunate fall he had while on the bed that resulted in a break in his femur. D was watching the little nugget who has learned to roll himself all over, and he took his eyes off of him for just a moment and he rolled himself right off the bed. He hit our bed frame just right and broke his femur. We spent several hours at the hospital and they put a splint on him and referred us to ortho, but not before tell us of the possibilities of casts that were horrifying. I was a bucket of nerves as I sat in that ortho room waiting to hear the outcome. After reviewing scans, they said he is doing so well that they only need to do the splint for 4 weeks. We go back after that to follow up with more scans to see if he is doing well. If it all goes well, we do his surgery for his boy parts on the following day.

Our family had the absolutely best time in Disney in May, it was better than I could have hoped for. The kids did so well, I was so proud of them for their patience and behavior. Rylan did amazing and A had a blast! We learned a few tips before we left that helped so much, so I thought I would share them here to pass them along, if they apply to you. First, ride switch….the coolest thing there! When you have 1 kiddo and a baby, it is really hard to ride some of the older rides without someone missing out. Ride switch took care of that! You scan your ticket when you and kid get on the ride. After the ride, the other parent gets to skip the line with the kid and ride again. No one misses out and the kiddo gets to ride awesome rides twice…win/win! Next, stroller/wheelchair access. Because of Rylan’s tube feedings, we use his stroller as a wheelchair. Our first stop in Disney was to the town hall where we got a little red tag that allowed us to bring his stroller around as a wheelchair where most stroller access was denied. Not only that, but we got to use the mobility access for rides and that cut our waiting time in half. Another win! The biggest tip I would offer….splurge on Max Pass. It allowed us to book and schedule rides so we didn’t do a ton of waiting and we got to do nearly every ride in Disney. Well worth the money.

We have been blessed by so many things this month, I am beyond grateful. But I will also say, this has been the hardest time of my life. On June 9^th, my beautiful and wonderful Grandma passed away. I hadn’t dealt with death much in my life. My stepdad passed when I was 12, and other than a few family friends, I haven’t really had to face death like this. She has been hit with a lot of health problems in the last 10 years of her life, and a stroke she suffered in April was something that she just couldn’t recover from. She fought so long and so hard, but it was finally her time to be free of pain and suffering and become a glorious angel. I miss her every single day! I am most grateful that she got to meet Rylan. She loved Rylan so much! She called him her baby and asked about him constantly. We were lucky enough to see her a month before she passed, and video chat several times after. I hold her close to my heart and will always make sure that Rylan knows about her and knows the love she had for him.

I will end this update as I have written far more than I planned. Can’t wait to see what is in store for us in the future, and share the many wonderful milestones our little man will have!

7 Months ALREADY?!

Wow….time really does fly by when you have a kiddo! I cannot believe that my little bug is going to be 7 months old in just a few days!! So much has happened and he has gotten so big right in front of my eyes, it’s crazy! Seeing as how my last update was in January, I have a lot to catch up on!

Rylan is doing fantastic! He is gaining weight and getting bigger by the day. He is 15 pounds and 25 and a half inches long! He is in size 6-9 month clothes and is officially now in the 4^th percentile! YAY! Developmentally he is doing great! He babbles a lot and is full of smiles and giggles. He is also getting some great belly laughs in. He plays little games with us like peek-a-boo,  and a sweet but slightly annoying fake cough thing he started a few weeks ago! He can almost sit up unassisted, and he loves tummy time but it still a ways away from crawling. However, he is right on the cusp of rolling over! He has developed attachments to a few of his favorite things! He loves his binky, it is his buddy. He will suck on it and then play with it and chew on it like he is a puppy, it is so freaking cute! We added a pacifier clip to it and he loves it. He loves to have soft things by his face when he sleeps. I think it was from when he was in the womb, but that is the one sure way to get him to sleep. He loves this little crinkle Llama book squeaker toy thing. He can spend an hour on it and still love it the next time he sees it. One of his absolute favorite things is this Finding Nemo play mat that lights up and sings. He really could spend forever under there. Money well spent!

Medically, Rylan is doing good, but gearing up for some changes in the near future! We have a repeat swallow study scheduled May 30^th to see if he can start solids! I am hoping and praying daily that he can and that he passes! And in July, he will have surgery to bring down his undescended testicles. Poor little man has had a rough start in life, but man is he a trooper! That little guy is so strong and impresses me every day! I am so proud to be his mommy!

For the rest of the family, we are doing amazing! In May, my stepdaughter will be graduating 5^th grade and will be going into middle school! AHHHH! INSANE! For a birthday and life celebration, we are taking her and Rylan to Disneyland and Universal Studios at the end of May. We are all so excited! We haven’t told her yet, but will be telling her on her birthday on the 23^rd. D has been doing great at his job and recently got a promotion. I have been remaining active in my job and have been busy with that and the kiddos. Life has been crazy and busy, but I wouldn’t have it any other way!

I am so excited for the next few months and can’t wait to experience all of the wonderful things that little man brings to our life!

Twists and Turns

To say that things have been crazy is an understatement! I was prepared for motherhood, or so I thought, but I was not prepared for this! Get ready for a novel, because it has been a LONG 3 months!

Things were going great and my maternity leave was becoming a lot more enjoyable after getting into a solid routine. We would start the day with a feed in the morning followed by an hour or two nap, sometimes for the both of us! He would wake up and we would do another feed and then spend an hour or so playing in his activity mat or just making silly songs and faces to try and get a smile. He would pass out soon after, and allow me some chore/shower time. He would wake and then feed, and then it was nearly time for everyone to be home. The nights were split between loving on mom, dad, grandma, and sister. Late nights were a bit rough as it was difficult not to worry and stress if he was breathing, and then when I did manage to fall asleep, he would wake me up soon after to feed. And then we would start the whole day over again. We mixed in some outdoor walks, Rylan and Mommy dates out on the town and lots of cuddle time in between. They tell you that those 2 months fly by, and they sure did! My maternity leave was over before I knew it!

I went back to work shortly before he turned 2 months. My mom had been laid off from her job and offered to watch him for a few months until the new year to allow us time to save for daycare. I always said that I didn’t think I wanted to be a stay at home mom, that I wanted the kiddo and the career…..I.was.wrong! Going back to work was the hardest thing I had done. I cried the whole weekend before, and that morning, and all through work. It was miserable, but a lot more bearable since I could call and video chat when I was pumping throughout the day. He went from EBF to bottle fed with breast milk, so I pump 3 times a day at work to maintain his supply at home with my mom. Here is where everything fell apart.

A week after getting into the new routine of working and my mom watching him, he began to act weird during feedings. My mom and I noticed that he was choking a bit on his bottles. I consulted the pediatrician and she said that he probably has acid reflux since he had other symptoms led her to that diagnosis. They gave us Zantac to start on right before Thanksgiving. That weekend, he and I went for a little day date and went to the mall and a few other places to Christmas shop. We went to the nursing room at the mall, and during his feed, he started to choke a bit. I was frustrated because we had been giving him the Zantac, but we did skip a dose, so I brushed it off. On Monday November 26, before I left for work, I fed Rylan as I do, and he choked a couple of times. It was only for a moment or two, but caught his breath, cried for a few seconds and then went back to eating. I told my mom about it and then left for work. Around 10am, she called me and said that he has been choking non-stop during his bottle feed and it worried her. I told her that I would call the pediatrician and she told me to wait, that she would see if he was just congested. About 10 min later, I got a call that shook my world. She told me to call 911, that he was choking and having a hard time breathing. My heart dropped and I instantly felt sick and panicked. I grabbed my work phone and dialed 911, but got a message that they had a high call volume. I slammed down my phone, grabbed my purse, cell and keys, frantically told my boss that I was leaving and why, and flew down the steps to my car. As I was rushing out, I called again and it turned out my mom did to and there were already paramedics at the house. When my mom called, he stopped breathing, went limp and his eyes rolled back. The dispatcher helped my mom get his breath back and the paramedics showed up instantly and gave him oxygen. After I got to the house, they told me he was doing good but still needed to go to the hospital. We got everything together and headed to Memorial North, where I gave birth.

After waiting at Memorial North for 2 hours, they told us that he needed to be seen at the main location downtown as they had a pediatric wing, so that’s where we went. After a night stay in the hospital and a swallow study later, we found out that Rylan was silently aspirating every consistency of liquid, from thin like breast milk, to really thick with additives. The esophagus and trachea (windpipe) are right next to each other and when we was eating, some would go to his stomach and some would go to his lungs. They deemed him not safe to eat by mouth and told us he needed to be on a feeding tube for the foreseeable future. That was devastating! My heart broke for him. My little man has been through so much in his short little life, and this is the last thing I wanted. We spent a total of a week in the hospital and had several tests done and met with several specialists to see if there was a reason why. Everything came back inconclusive. He wasn’t at the weight he should be (At 2 months, he was 9 pounds 6 ounces) and because the feeding tube placement required surgery, he had to wait 2 weeks to get stronger and gain more weight. So we left the hospital with an NG tube (Tube going from his nose down his throat to his stomach) and returned 2 weeks later for his G Tube surgery.

I am so proud of how well my little nugget is doing, he is so strong and so brave and I love him so much! He has been doing great with his tube, and is now 10 pounds 1 ounce and growing! We celebrated his First Christmas and First New Years by seeing Santa, getting family pictures, looking at Christmas lights, going to Church Candlelight service, seeing family and friends, and just spending time together and loving up on him!

As for development, his is rocking it! Little man can hold his head up great, talks a ton (coo’s and grunts), smiles, and has even laughed! He can grab things, including his binky and put it back into his mouth. Even though my son is now special needs and life has taken us down this path we are currently on, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I love him so much; I would go through anything for him! We have appointments with specialists that will help us create a plan for his future, but I hope and pray that he doesn’t have to be on this feeding tube for long. I want him to have the best and brightest future possible and live life as a normal baby. He deserves the world and more!  I will try and be better and updates in the future, I’m just lucky enough to find time today to write this! 

He's Here!!! Meet Baby Rylan!

Our sweet little miracle, Rylan Avery was born September 19^th at 7:51am, weighing a nice 6 pounds 13 ounces and measuring 19 ¾! He is officially 2 weeks old as of yesterday and doing incredibly well! It is so surreal to be holding and looking at this little man who grew in my belly. Holding his tiny little hands and kissing this little feet and staring at his little nose fill me with such joy. There are no words to describe how in love with this boy I am. I have never known love like this, and thank God every day for this little miracle!

Birth Story:

Because my little man is stubborn, or it could be that I only have half of a uterus, he was breech. He was breech the entire pregnancy, so I had to have a planned C-Section at 39 weeks. We chose the 19^th. It turns out that the 19^th was a very special day for many reasons. It is my Aunts Birthday, D’s niece’s birthday, and my doctor’s birthday. Not only was it my doctor’s birthday, but because my C-Section was scheduled in the morning, I had my doctor there to delivery my baby, but then she was being induced that evening for her own baby. We are both 33 and carrying our first child via IVF and they are both boys. Dr. Williams is a badass and a wonderful woman for sticking around to deliver my baby. It was an honor to have her in there. She even popped by to hold him afterwards.

We (Mom, D, and A) arrived at the hospital at 5:15am with varying emotions. We stopped to take 1 final picture of my preggo belly at the hospital entrance just before we got to meet our little man. We checked in and got into my room shortly after. I changed into my lovely gown and began to prep. It had always been a dream of mine to have both my mom and D with me during delivery. My mom got to be there for the transfer and was a HUGE help and support through this whole process, I couldn’t imagine her not being there. We asked the anesthesiologist if I could have 2 support people with me, and he kindly agreed. At 7:15am, I got wheeled back into the operating room where I got my epidural, and was prepped for surgery. Shortly after, they let mom and D back there with me. I could feel a ton of pressure, tugging and pulling which was an odd sensation. Within minutes, I heard them say that the butt was coming out first….and seconds later, my little man made his entrance into this world. I just started sobbing and repeating that there was my son, there is our baby. D held me head and sobbed right along with me while my mom grabbed her phone and took a ton of pictures. The time had come for D to cut the umbilical cord, and I was left there alone waiting to see my son and praising God for this little miracle. I could not believe that this was real, that my son was really here. Moments later, they brought over my bundle of joy and set him next to me. I covered him in kisses and kept repeating how beautiful he was. He was truly the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. My blood pressure dipped really low, so they decided to have my mom and D take Rylan to meet his sister while they finished up.

I got back to the room and got some immediate skin on skin with my little man, however, I was extremely nauseous and having a hard time with my blood pressure, so it ended sooner than I would have liked. Pediatricians came around shortly after to give him his shots and check him out. There had been an issue with a possible abnormality that they wanted to check out, so they told me they would take him for testing and be right back. 2 hours later, I still had not seen my baby since they took him. A nurse came in to see how I was doing and I asked her about Rylan. She told me that they had taken him to the nursery because during his testing, his oxygen went low. I asked to go see him, but she told me I had to wait a little while longer, so I sent D who was still at the hospital with me to go see him. He went down and spent a half an hour with him before they finally let me go see him. When I got to the nursery, I finally got to hold him. I held him for about a half an hour before they told me that he had to go to NICU for the night because his oxygen was still too low. I was really bummed. They took him to NICU and sent me back to my room. A few hours later after he was all settled into NICU, they let me come down to see him. They asked if I wanted to try nursing, which I did. I got there and was a little worried and stressed, so the nursing didn’t work out, so they offered to supplement with donor milk for the time being. I got to come down every 3 hours for feedings and got to stay as long as I wanted to with him. It wasn’t ideal, but everyone was lovely, and I was happy that I finally got to spend some time with my son. The next morning, around 4:30am, D and I went down to feed and hold him and they shared with us that he had done so well that they took him off oxygen and it looks like he is doing well on his own. They had to monitor him for a bit longer, but it looked like he would get to come to our room that night. All in all, he had a 28 hour stay in NICU and was back in our room. That would be our last night in the hospital, but we got to spend it with our son in the room. It was hard and challenging, but so worth it. The next day was spent with us as a new family holding him, feeding him, and loving up on him. The 2 days I was there we had our awesome friends and family come visit him and share their love. It was a wonderful few days with some ups and downs, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. We left the hospital at 7pm that night with our little man and the start of our journey as a family of 4!

 

Our little man is 2 weeks old and doing great! The testing he had done has all been prefect and promising and he is still as amazing as ever! Rylan is the best thing I have ever done in my life and I am the happiest that I could have ever imagined. Motherhood has been rough, and a lot harder than I anticipated, but it is all absolutely worth it!  When he wakes up and does those cute little stretches, or when he is sleeping and makes the silliest little faces, my heart just melts. I love waking up and seeing this gift from God looking back at me. It doesn’t matter if he is content or screaming his head off, all I can do is smile and fight back the tears of happiness as I realize with every breath that he takes, my dreams and prayers came true. The love of my life has changed my life in more ways than I can say.

I can’t wait to write updates of this little man’s journey through life, my journey in motherhood, and everything in between. Thank you to anyone and everyone who has supported us through this and for the many prayers sent. There are no words that I can say that can come close to the gratitude that I feel. My heart is full and feels complete!

34 Week Update!

Today I am 34 weeks, and I will be 35 weeks tomorrow! I cannot believe how fast time is flying by! I thought I would have posted more frequently, but this pregnancy is going so freaking fast! Things have been going really good so far. I have been doing weekly blood flow scans and growth scans every 3 weeks, and the results have all been good. He still has IUGR, and is going to be a small baby, but I am pretty sure that it is because of my Unicornuate Uterus, and that is okay, because other than that, he is doing great! As of 2 weeks ago, he was just under 4 pounds, he is practicing his breathing, moving like crazy, and is completely stubborn! He is still breech and refuses to move, so as of my doctor appointment today, I have officially scheduled my C-Section. I am incredibly nervous and a little bummed that I have do to a C-Section, but as long as the end result is a happy and healthy baby, I am game for anything! So this cute little baby boy will be born in 4 weeks, or earlier if he decides so.

About 4 weeks ago, we decided to go for a 3D/4D Ultrasound. I wasn’t going to do it, but after thinking about it, I decided that if this happened to be my only pregnancy, I would be really bummed if I didn’t do it. So D and my Mom went on a Saturday to the fantastic center for some cute pics. And just like everything else in this pregnancy, it was a little different than I hoped. I have anterior placenta, which is a thick placenta right in the front that acts like a cushion, and unfortunately blocked a lot of the pics. The wonderful sonographer tried for 30 minutes but was not able to get any good pics. We did get to see him drinking his fluid and sticking his tongue out, but other than that, it was a dud. The owner met us at the front and offered to have us come back within 10 days to see if she could do it. A week or so later, we met back up at the clinic, this time we brought A as well, and tried our luck. After about 30 min of the owner trying, she gave up. We were able to get 2 decent pics. She felt badly for us and offered to refund our money. I asked her to only do half because she worked really hard for us, but she ended up doing it all, which was super nice. So here is our little man in a somewhat of a 3D/4D pic!

A few weeks ago I had my baby shower that my mom hosted and it was purely magical! She did such a wonderful job putting it all together and making sure it was so much fun and the absolute best time! I had my friends and family in attendance along with my bestie who flew down from Texas. It was a blast! I felt so loved and it was truly everything I had hoped for. And last weekend, I was blessed with having my work peeps throw me a baby shower, which was also really amazing and a lot of fun. This little guy has so much love already, it is quite amazing!

The last few days I have been nesting and getting his things sorted, washed, put away, and all set up. Folding his little onesies and blankets, holding his little diapers in my hand, and looking at his cute little bassinet in my room is so surreal. I cannot believe that in a month or so, I will be holding our little miracle in my arms. I am beyond thrilled and feel extremely blessed, and not to mention, VERY emotional!

I will try and post another update before I have this little cutie, but if I don’t, please send prayers and happy thoughts for a successful C-section, speedy recovery, but most importantly, a healthy baby!

Third Trimester baby!!!

I am officially in my 3^rd Trimester!!! AHHHHH!! It is so crazy that I even get to say those words! I have so many emotions at the moment and I am going to do my best to explain them!

Worried: At my last measurement scan a few weeks ago through Maternal Fetal Medicine (I have to attend because I am having an IVF baby) the doctor told me that she thinks that my baby is on the small side and not retaining enough fat. This is called IUGR (Intrauterine Growth Restriction) and could be cause for concern. I have to go weekly now for blood flow scans of the baby and the placenta to make sure he is still doing okay, and growth scans every 3 weeks. I don’t mind getting to see him more often, but I worry about him and his growth. After speaking to my doctor, I felt a little bit better knowing that he could still continue to grow, just at a slower rate, but my 6 or 8 months, he should catch up to the rest of the babies his age. The monitoring helps and my doctor thinks that at we may have to deliver early, about 37 to 39 weeks which I was already expecting because of my unicornuate uterus. And he may have to go to the NICU if he has issues with staying warm or eating/breathing. The few things I was worried about besides his health would be labor and delivery, and breastfeeding. I thought that since I would have to delivery early, I would have to have a C-Section. But I would just be induced and see what my body does, so there is a good chance I could still do a natural labor and delivery, also depending on his position, because if he is breach, I will have to do a C-Section. And breastfeeding, I was concerned that I wouldn’t get to do that if he went to the NICU but my doctor told me that they highly encourage breastfeeding and that I could still do it. All of the info my doctor provided me with made me feel a million times better!

 
Terrified: I am terrified that in less than 3 months, I am going to be responsible for another human being for the rest of my life! My life as I know it will be completely different. I have thought and dreamt about these things for as long as I can remember, but knowing they are going to be my reality soon is really intensely scary! I am going to be up all hours of the night sacrificing myself for the good of this little man. Knowing that any choice I make could potentially screw him up is frightening. I hope I am not the only one who feels this! I feel confident in myself and have always been great with kids, but my child, all day every day?! TERRIFIED!
 
Excited: On the flip side, I am getting so incredibly excited to meet this little man! I dream about what he looks like, what he smells like, what he will sounds like, what little expressions he will make, and holding him and staring at him with love and wonder! I want to wrap my arms around him and never let him go. I want to sing to him, read to him, teach him, and just love him. I cannot wait to be this little man’s mom.

Petrified: I have dreamed for so long of being pregnant and imagining how it would be, I pretty much glazed over the whole labor and delivery. Now, in a little over 2 months, I have to give birth. I am beyond petrified to do so. I try to imagine what it would be like but cannot wrap my head around it. The fact that the thing a size of a watermelon is supposed to shoot out of me is baffling. I feel like I do well with pain, but the fact that I don’t know what to expect adds a whole new element to this. I just hope and pray that everything goes smoothly and at the end, the baby and I are healthy.

Relieved: I’m not gonna lie, pregnancy is rough! Like I said earlier, I spent so long dreaming of what it would be like to be pregnant. I would romanticize the whole thing. I used to pray to God with tears in my eyes begging him to bless me with the miracle of a child. I would say that I want EVERYTHING, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And I meant it. Every day of this pregnancy I thank God and know how truly blessed I am. That does not escape me for a minute. But…..pregnancy is ROUGH! That cannot be said enough! Everyone is different, and I know that compared to others, it has not been nearly that tough, and for that I am grateful. Saying that, I will be so relieved for the little things. I will be relieved that I can take Ibuprofen again, because Tylenol is shit! I have had several really bad migraines throughout this pregnancy, and that has sucked. Instead of popping 4 ibuprofen, I have to do the monotonous routine of Tylenol, caffeine, cold compress on neck and head, in a dead silent blacked out room. After repeating 10 times throughout 2 to 3 days, they go away! EXHAUSTING! I am also going to be relieved that I don’t have to wake up 900 times a night to pee. I am going to be relived to be able to sleep on my belly again, or anywhere except the sides I rotate on. All of which leave me with horrible Charlie horses in my legs and thighs, and every so often, little man will roll over on a nerve causing my side to go completely numb for a few moments. It is like a 3 ring circus in the middle of the night. All in all, I have had a pretty good pregnancy, but I still can’t wait to have my body back to being just mine, after breastfeeding of course! 

Sitting here and getting to write out all of these things, good and bad, make my heart feel so full. There are no words to express how blessed I feel and how surreal all of this has been. Registering for birthing class and breastfeeding class after having a weekend of putting together his furniture has made all of this seem a bit more real, but I still feel like I am living a dream! That is all of the updates I have for now, until next week when I go back for another growth scan and hopefully see that my little Rylan has grown. Thank you all for your love and support and taking the time to read this and be a part of this journey with me!

23 Week Update!

I am 23 weeks and still going strong, thanks to God! This pregnancy has been wonderful and stressful all at the same time, but our little guy is doing just fine!

I went in for my 20 week anatomy scan terrified that something was wrong or he truly did have spina bifida. We spoke to a geneticist before our ultrasound, and felt instantly better. It turns out they had misread my doctors notes and thought I had spina bifida rather than my mom. They took our normal test results and multiplied it by 26, because if I had it, he would be 26 times more likely to have it, and that resulted in our extremely high test result number. But, she did tell me that they would still be checking his spinal cord just as a precaution. Thank goodness D was there with me, he really helped me hold it together. After our meeting, we waited about an hour and were finally able to do our ultrasound. What a magical experience. Both of us got to see our little guy with features and all for the first time. They measured his head, body, bladder, arms, legs, confirmed it was a boy, and even checked out his spinal cord. We even got to see him yawn! It was wonderful! The only tricky part was that he was wiggling so much, it was hard to get great pics, but we got a few pretty good ones! Doctor came in and confirmed that he is healthy and that there is no sign of Spina Bifida, praise the Lord!

That weekend after our ultrasound was Mother’s Day, so D and A accompanied me to a nice little weekend getaway in Denver where we went baby shopping and ate some great food! My mom, who was in Arizona, came back that week and the following weekend, we went baby shopping and actually set up his little bassinet. Ahhh!! It is all so real, I cannot even believe it!

Yesterday, we went in for an Echocardiogram on the baby, and this time, my mom got to come with me. It was wonderful! Little man did not disappoint and was as squirmy as ever, even grabbing is legs and putting them up by his head making it really difficult to get great shots of his heart. What they did get, the doctor said looked great, but he wants me back in 4 weeks to see if we can get an even better view and truly confirm that everything is good. I am all about those ultrasounds, let me see my little man! They even did a cervical check for my Unicornuate Uterus, and they said that I still have room for him to grow and it looks good. Such wonderful news all around!

Everything else has been going great. I have felt him move a few times, but with my placenta being in the front, it is making it harder to feel him. Knowing he is okay makes that part easier to live with. I haven’t had many symptoms other than fatigue, and some pretty bad migraines. Can’t complain too much. Oh, and the best part, we decided on his name, well, his first name. There is still some debate on his middle name. Our little miracle boy will be named Rylan! After having that dream, and then finding out it was a boy, all of the other names we thought of just didn’t compare. He was meant to be a Rylan for sure! That is all I have for now, but I will post some updates in the coming weeks! Thank you all for your love and support!

17 Week Update

I cannot believe I am only a few weeks away from being halfway through this pregnancy!! That is crazy and truly amazing! Things have been going well, despite a few bumps in the road, pun totally intended!

At 12 weeks, I went in for a nuchal translucency scan where they measure the babies neck and do bloodwork to see if the baby has any genetic markers for down syndrome as well as a few other chromosomal disorders. The test came back normal, and came with a surprise….it’s a BOY! I had a feeling. Not only did I have that very real and vivid dream, but as soon as I saw the little squirmy worm on the ultrasound, I just knew it was a boy. I was a bit bummed because I had always wanted  a girl, but that quickly faded, and now I am just ecstatic that I am having a boy!

I went in for a doctor’s appointment around week 15, and got to finally hear the heartbeat. I had only been able to see it, but to hear it was such a wonderful experience, it was so magical! My doctor talked to me about another test she wanted me to do, and that was to test for Spina Bifida. My mother has it, and my brother passed away a few hours after birth because of his rare form of it, so she thought it made sense to test for it. I did the blood work, and a few days after, my UCHealth App, where I get all of my testing updates, pinged. I clicked on the test result, and completely lost my breath. The prescreen test showed a positive. When I caught my breath, tears started flowing. I felt so scared and so helpless. I called and talked with my mom, and thankfully, my doctor called me a few minutes after. She told me not to worry, that it was a prescreen and was not definite. I would need to get an ultrasound to get more definitive answers. I read that test result over and over, feeling like it was not real, and still stunned. Later that evening, as I was reading it in its entirety to my mom, we realized I missed a part. At the very bottom, it included that because the numbers were so high, that it had to be a first relative that has it, and therefore, can transfer it. The mother likely has it. In that moment I felt both relieved and guilty. Guilty because I had it, had never been tested, and irresponsibly could have passed it on. And relieved, because both my mother and I have it, and have had completely normal lives with little to no setbacks because of it. At this point, it is in God’s hands. All we can do is pray and prepare ourselves the best we can for our ultrasound May 11^th. If you are reading this, please send a little prayer or good thought our way, it would be truly appreciated! No matter what, this boy, this miracle of a boy is going to be so loved and have the absolute best life we can give him!

Every day, I thank God how lucky I am to be here with this blessing growing inside of me. But there is not a single day that goes by that I remember how hard it has been to get here, and how painful the journey was. This week is National Infertility Awareness week, and I want to let anyone suffering with infertility know, you are not alone. This is the hardest thing I have gone through in my life, and I will never take it for granted. Never give up, never lose hope, and know that you have love and support around you. Please do not ever feel like it is your fault, and never be ashamed to talk about it. It happens, and the pain is real. Sending love and prayers to you all!

10 Week Update!

It is almost Friday and I cannot wait for this work week to end…I need a 10 hour nap, lol!

Life has been a bit hectic, crazy, and busy lately. Between work, kiddos school, Girl Scouts, and random other things, this has been the busiest month in a while!

As of Wednesday, I am currently 10 weeks pregnant. I was officially able to stop my progesterone in oil nightly injections as well as my estradiol patches Wednesday as well!! That was exciting and a little bit scary. My RE told me that I was fine at 8 weeks to stop but recommended I continue through 10 weeks. I just hope everything goes well coming off of them. For the rest of my pregnancy, things have been going really well, praise God. I have had mild morning sickness, runny nose, and extreme fatigue. I’m starting to get pudgy and my pants are a bit tight. I have the hair band trick on reserve for when I can’t fit in them comfortably. I found a really great dr and had my first appointment with her, and it went well. I have to do a blood panel and glucose text next week, and a 12 week nuchal translucency scan the following week. And then in May, I go for my 20 week ultrasound that thoroughly tests the baby as well as does an echo. Best part…..Gender reveal!! I am a planner and I NEED to know the gender. I cannot wait! Hoping for a girl, but prepared for a boy, lol I had this random dream the other night that D and I had a little boy and his name was Rylan….it might be a sign. Either way, I am just hoping for a healthy baby!

It is still so surreal to sit here and write about being pregnant. I honestly thought it was never going to happen. It still hits me when I pass the baby aisle at the store and my feelings of longing and sadness are replaced by excitement and joy. I have been looking up pinterest nursery ideas, nursery furniture and baby necessities like crazy. I am nearly through my first trimester and feel like time is flying by. It is insane to think that in a little over 6 months, we will have a baby. Ahhhh!! I am thrilled and equally terrified. Praise God and Pray to God to get me through this and the next 18+ years of this kiddos life!

It is not lost on me that a year ago, I felt so hopeless and depressed. Fertility is one of the hardest things that I have ever gone through in my life, and I will never forget that. To all those that are still struggling or feeling hopeless….don’t give up. Pray to God, think of all your options, try not to stress, and believe in your dreams. It can happen and you are not alone.

I leave this here today, thanking all of my family and friends for all of their love and support. More updates soon!

God Is Good!

I sit here today with my heart so full of joy, because I am officially pregnant for the first time in my life! This week has been filled with ups and downs but it was worth every moment!

After taking the test and getting a negative on 5dp5dt, I became depressed and very hopeless. I was racking my brain trying to come up with possible plans after I got the final negative. My family and friends tried to keep my spirits up with positive messages and so much love and support. By the time Wednesday came around, I was a mess. I had done nothing but pray and cry the morning of my blood test, my managed to slap on a smile while D and I made our way to my doctor’s office. We went inside, did the blood draw, walked out of the door, and just cried in each other’s arms and said another prayer.

We each went to work, nervous as can be. At my desk, I tried to breath and prepare myself for the worst. I planned to work ahead so that way I could take the rest of the day off to grieve. I was incredibly productive I must say! My plan for the phone call was to let it go to voicemail, and then conference call my Mom and D so we could all hear the results at the same time. At 11:56a, I got the call. I ran to the conference room, dialed my mom but couldn’t get D on the line too. So I hung up with her and called him. My heart dropped as I saw it was only a :07 message. I hit play and heard my very monotone doctor tell me to call her back. I went to call her back, but got a generic voicemail message that they were closed for lunch! Ahhhh!! How am I supposed to wait ANOTHER hour! I told D that if she called again before 1p, I would answer it and then call him. If she didn’t call, I would get him on the line and call around 1:15.

At 12:57pm my phone rang, and it was my doctor. I grabbed my phone, and headed for the conference room. I answered the phone holding my breath. Then she uttered the word that shook my world…CONGRATULATIONS. I could not believe it! My HCG was at a 94 and Progesterone was 18.6. She told me to up my PIO injections and go back Friday for another test. I hung up and cried my eyes out! I was so ecstatic and completely in shock! I thought it was negative. The only thing that made me slightly believe that it was positive was that the dull pain and slight cramping I still felt was solely on my left side, which is where my uterus is. But that was it. Again, complete shock! I called my Mom and D and some of my close friends to share the good news!

One of the best parts was telling A. I picked her up from school, and she asked me immediately. D wanted us to tell her together, so I just evaded the question and said I have my test Friday. She shrugged it off and we went to Girl Scouts. Afterwards, we all met up at Red Robin for a celebratory dinner. We got to the restaurant and my Mom got me a rose and a card. Alexis seemed puzzled, so we shared the news with her, and that was amazing! She was shocked and even teared up. It made it all the more special. The rest of the night was pure bliss! I even ran home and took a test and it finally showed up positive, after all of these years! Simply amazing!

I went this morning for my repeat HCG beta test, and got the call that I went from a 94 to 250. Ahhhh, incredible! My little poppy seed is sticking! I go on Monday February 5^th for my very first Ultrasound. So for the time being, I am taking it easy, continuing my Etradiol Patches and Progesterone in Oil injections, and enjoying this blissful dream world that I am in. God is good. This is all for his glory and I know that he has this. I am definitely not out of the woods yet, but it looks so good. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, they are so appreciated. I will post soon with more updates! Love to all!

Getting Real!

Being real……..not easy to do. I want to sugar coat it and put it out there that everything has been great, when it reality, I am a freaking hot mess!

I have suffered through infertility for 8 years now. I have had 11 medicated cycles, 5 failed IUI’s and now am going through IVF. I go in tomorrow to find out my beta and see if my little poppy seed stuck, but I am not feeling hopeful. I know the feeling of disappointment all too well when it comes to fertility. I have gone through countless tests that all say the same thing, NOPE! It just plain sucks, and does not get any easier. This time around, I have been on a massive rollercoaster of emotions since I had my transfer.

Since day 1 of the transfer until 6 days past the transfer, I have had cramping, that has felt just like period cramping. On Saturday, which was 5 days past, I felt miserable, I had cramping and lower back pain like crazy. Because I like to torture myself, I went on Google. First of all, if you are going through this or anything related to fertility, STAY OFF GOOGLE! Just like the phrase, “Nothing good ever happens after 2am”; Nothing good happens when you Google. All it did was convince me that I wasn’t pregnant, or that if I was, it would show up on a test, so I tested. NOPE! After more reading, I came to the conclusion that it was probably too early. So what did I do? I Googled more! What is wrong with me?! Throughout these 8 days, I have had cramping, lower back pain, dizziness, fatigue, sore breasts, milky white discharge, and a heavy feeling in my uterus. All sound like great signs for early pregnancy, but it could also be attributed to the progesterone injections I am on, as well as the estrogen patches I have. Or, I could be pregnant. Who the hell knows?!

So how do I currently feel? Depends on the time of day quite honestly. I wake up and feel hopeful as I pop my prenatal vitamin. As my shower goes on, I flip flop between it worked and it didn’t. Putting on my makeup, I study my face to see if I have a glow, and convince myself that I do and it worked. Putting on my clothes, I glance at my breasts and see if they appear larger or different in any way, and then declare that it didn’t work. On the way to work, I throw on some Christian music to calm my soul, and end up talking to my embaby telling it to hang on while praying and crying the whole way. Can we blame part of this behavior on the hormones I am on?! During my 9 hours at work, I have full conversations in my mind of did it/didn’t it, as well as imagining getting the call either way and how I will react. I try to come up with a plan for each scenario, also while sneaking in a Google search or two. On my drive home, I do more of the same as my drive to work. When I get home, I have now exhausted myself and my brain from the entire day of events and end up passing out by 8pm.

I wish I could say that all of that was an exaggeration, but sadly, it is not. I over analyze every feeling, every symptom and every thought. But the simple truth is, there is nothing I can do, it is completely out of my hands and in God’s hands. But why is that so hard to accept? Because I am a control freak, and I hate admitting that I am not in control and completely powerless in this situation. I have done all I can do, and if it is His will, it will be. No matter what, I will be okay. I am confident that He will bless me with a child, if not now, then possibly the next time, because I will not give up! I go in tomorrow morning for my beta test, good or bad; I can handle it because He is on my side. I am asking now as I always do, if you are reading this, please send a happy thought or prayer my way! Much love to you all, and I will update soon.

FET Trasfer Day!!!

Do not be afraid.  Just believe.  Mark 5:36

The last few days have been so surreal, and I bounce around between being elated and terrified. But one thing calms me and centers me, and that is know that the Lord has this. I don’t have to worry and try to figure it all out, I have done what I can do, and the rest is up to Him!

A lot has happened since my last blog post, so let’s catch up! My IVF in November resulted in a total of 7 wonderful little embryo’s. 3 were 5 day, and 4 were 6 day. I was beyond excited that I have 7 little miracles. Because of how well my body responded during the IVF, they were worried about OHSS and decided that I would do a Frozen Embryo Transfer in January. Back in November, that seemed like quite a ways away still. But as everything does now days, that date came so quickly. Before I knew it, I was on Estrogen patches and Progesterone in Oil injections. I got the call on a Thursday afternoon that my transfer date would be 1/8/18.

That Friday, I began to think about how quickly my world would change in just a few short days. This could be the last time I am at work not being pregnant. That weekend was more or less the same. This could be the last family outing just the 3 of us. It was a very surreal feeling. Alongside that came a barrage of emotions thanks to my patches and injections. I drove back from a Girl Scout meeting and just burst into tears; tears that were for excitement, and worry. I have only known the disappointment side of this journey. I have been highly optimistic only to be thrown off and found myself feeling rejected and lost and hopeless. I am tired of it, and I just want this to work, more than anything in the world. That weekend went by in a haze. I occupied my time with cleaning and organizing, something I find Zen like. It was nice, and comforting.

Monday morning came. The day of my transfer! It started out really nice. I took D to work; he wasn’t able to come because of his work schedule, so I made my mom come instead. She told me that it wasn’t every day that a Mom got to be part of the conception of their Grandchild! D and I had a really fun and nice morning, and before he got out of the car, we shared a really wonderful moment together, just perfect and what I needed. The rest of the morning I had a quiet house to myself where I cleaned, did laundry, and watched some good ole HGTV! I had an eye doctor appointment at 1, and then it was off to Denver for my transfer!

The drive up to Denver with my Mom was great! We laughed and joked and both had bursts of excitement and chatting about the future. It definitely helped calm my nerves as we headed up. I arrived a bit early, popped a valium, and off we went! I had to get changed and my Mom had to put on a bunny suit to go in. By then, the valium kicked in and I was feeling great. We got into the room around 4:15p and the doctor came out to tell me that my embryo we chose looked great! About 20 minutes later, my little embaby was transferred. I was so overwhelmed with emotion I just started crying. They gave us some pics and let me rest for a few minutes, and then we were on our way back home. Riding back knowing that for the first time in my life I am actually pregnant was amazing! I felt like I was glowing and I could not stop smiling. Once we were home, I stayed in bed to rest and was waited oh (heck yes!) and taken care of!

Today, I am filled with excitement but also worry and fear. I know I still have 6 little miracle embryos in case this doesn’t work, but I really want it to. This absolutely feels like it was meant to be our baby. I have been praying all day, and talking to my little embaby, hoping that this takes. I know God has this, and He is in control. So I am giving this to Him. If it takes, it is all for His Glory and because of His mercy and grace. On January 17^th, I will find out for sure if this embaby made it. Please send prayers as well, it really would be appreciated! 

Praise and Glory

God is good! Plain and simple, He is good. I had to start it this way because my heart is filled with such joy and I owe it all to Him!

The past few weeks have been a struggle but have also been wonderful all at the same time! I was able to start my injections when I thought I would. It was a bit of a bummer that with my E2 (Estradiol) numbers, I had to start taking 2 injections, Gonal F and Menopur. Gonal F wasn’t too bad, but that Menopur, it stung pretty good. I did that for a week or so, and then had to add in Cetrotide to the mix. It was a bit overwhelming at first, but got easier as time went on. The only thing I found really challenging was getting the injections in on time. I planned to do them around 7p every night, but with a kiddo, Halloween, Girls Scouts, and camping, it was thrown of a bit a few times. But, my 3 times a week appointments with blood draws helped calm my nerves and let me know that everything was working the way it was supposed to.

As the dates were closer, my appointments became daily, even on a Sunday! But my numbers and counts were still looking good. I was all set to trigger on Monday 11/6. That was a comedy of errors! It had to be done at 8:15p, and not only did I have to take the HCG Trigger Novarel, but I also had to take it’s buddy, Lupron. Lupron is no biggie as it is an abdomen injection, however, my friend Novarel was a intramuscular injection and it had to go in my upper buttocks. I passed on D helping me as he is not the gentlest of creatures, and opted for my Mom to help me. 10 minutes before the injection, I realized I didn’t have the right size needles! I had a small thin one, and a thick long one. Unfortunately, I had to go with the thicker one so it reached the spot it needed to. That sucked, I must say! But, it worked, and I was all set to do the retrieval on Wednesday 11/8! I was ecstatic and nervous, but mainly excited to get all those follicles out, they were heavy! They turn your almond size ovaries into Oranges, and you feel it all!

The retrieval was intense, not gonna lie! I had to be in Denver at 6:30a as the retrieval was at 8:15a. My Mom drove and D tagged along to give his deposit if you will! We all went back into pre-op and that is where it got real, real quick! I changed into my gown and footies, had to tape down all my piercings, put a hair net on, take out my contacts, and get the evil IV jammed into my hand. I may or may not have dropped the F bomb while he was digging around in my hand! After that fiasco, it was time to say goodbye, and I went into the back. A table with knee stir-ups, no blankets, heart monitors, oxygen, and doctors surrounding you, all within a matter of minutes. And then, as if it were nothing, they give you a nice little dose of the goods, and you are out! I woke up half an hour later, sitting in a chair with massive cramps. They gave me a nice little concoction of drugs that helped. I also got the great news that what they thought were 12 follicles they would be retrieving, turned into 19!! A few hours later, I was eating breakfast and feeling pretty good. I had mild bleeding and cramps, but really just felt tired. I slept quite a bit that day, but the next day I felt back to normal.

I got a call the next day to let me know that of the 19 follicles, only 15 were viable, and 12 had made it through fertilization. They will let them continue to grow and call me on Monday with the number of embryos that had made it and how many they will be freezing. Because I produced so many, they were worried about OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) and told me that we would do a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) instead. If my scans and blood draws come out good, then I am looking at a FET sometime in January. That one was a little rough as I thought I would be doing it now, but after some time to adjust to the idea, I do think it is best.

I am extremely pleased with how everything went! It feels so surreal to be this close to having my dreams come true. Although I am trying to keep myself grounded and not get my hopes up too high, it is so hard not to visualize and dream out being pregnant! I am just so happy and blessed that God has allowed me to be where I am today and has been graceful and allowed this to work so far. All of the glory is His; I just get to be the one to share it! If you are reading this, please continue to send me your prayers and happy thoughts if at all possible! I will post more updates when I have them :)

It Starts.....

I keep thinking of the old school Super Nintendo Lion King video game. The intro music is so epic, and when you select “new game”, Timon appears on the screen and announces, “It Starts”. You just know you are going to be in for a real experience, and you are filled with curiosity and delight, well, at least I was anyway! That is exactly how I am feeling at this moment, very nostalgic but experiencing that same feeling of excitement, waiting for anything and everything that will happen during this journey!

As you can tell from my over dramatic intro, I am officially on the path for IVF. I had my scan a few weeks ago, and everything looked great, even the cyst that I had on my right ovary, that was thought to have been an issue, is gone. I am officially 30 pounds down, which was my goal a few months ago! I am feeling pretty good! I started birth control (sounds crazy, but it is part of the cycle) a few weeks ago, but life had been a bit crazy and I completely spaced that I was supposed to stop taking it last Monday, and I took it all through that week. I felt like a moron, but thankfully, it didn’t get too messed up. I only had to take it for 4 more days, and start my injections a week later than was planned. So far, I am on track to start those this Friday. After a few weeks on injections, I move to the egg retrieval, then hopefully the transfer, and God willing, a pregnancy! AHHH! It feels so insane to be this close to being pregnant. I am so nervous, but feeling hopeful! Please, whoever is reading this, send lots of prayers and happy thoughts my way, I could use them all!!

That is pretty much it for now, but I will be back with more updates soon!

Horizon

Exactly 24 hours from now, I will be at my doctor’s office getting my cycle day 3 scan. This is not like any scan I have had before, because, if all goes well, I will be jumping on the journey of IVF. I reflect on everything that has happened that has led me to this point. It was not easy, and to say that I wouldn’t change anything is a complete lie. I would change a lot quite honestly! But, I am where I am today, and I am happy with that!

For the last few months I have been on a whole other journey in itself; A journey for self-betterment. I started attending counseling, which has been fabulous. But I still felt like something was missing, so, I started going back to church. Not only that, but the whole family has been going, and that has truly been a wonderful and fulfilling experience. Seeing how much A has truly enjoyed it and been so excited to learn is heartwarming. That was definite food for the soul and has given me such peace about all of this. And one of the last things I have done for myself was getting me healthy. With the help of my family and bestie, I have done a few diet challenges and started going back to the gym. I have successfully lost 25 pounds as of today. I am 5 pounds away from my goal weight loss of 30, and will hopefully achieve that before my actual IVF.

I am filled with lots of emotions and lots of thoughts as anyone would be in my situation. I am feeling incredibly hopeful but equally nervous. I truly believe that God has this and I have to trust in his plan for me, even if it isn’t what I want. That is the hardest part right there. I will keep doing everything I can on my end to help things along, but I know He has this. I will gladly accept any prayers or happy thoughts for anyone reading this, because it can only help things out, right?! :)

I look forward to updating this blog on my IVF journey, and with God’s blessing, the journey of Motherhood.

Lost But Not Forgotten

Holy updates Batman! It has been quite a while since the last time I sat down to write an entry. I took a look back at the last post I made, and got hit hard with this pang of sadness. I felt so optimistic and hopeful, and to look back on that and compare with where I am today….that was rough!

In these last few months, I learned a very valuable yet devastating lesson….if you are gifted with something, don’t take it for granted. D had a fantastic job with INCREDIBLE benefits, but I kept putting off my treatments until the “perfect time”. We got his benefits in October, and I figured that I would lose weight and start treatments in the New Year. I had an appointment in January and decided to do one more IUI before jumping straight to IVF. I was set to do it in March but my Grandma needed a heart valve replacement and I felt like attending her surgery was far more important than starting an IUI, and I still feel that way today! I went in early April to do my 5^th IUI, and the day I left the doctor’s office with my meds in hand, we found out D lost his job! We had his insurance through the month, but after that, we were SOL. To say that I was devastated was an understatement. I get so angry at myself for just sitting and waiting, taking that glorious gift for granted. If you are ever in that situation, don’t wait, just do it!

Finding out that my 5^th IUI failed brought on massive depression. I felt hopeless and totally lost. When I started this journey, there were several options available, and as time went on, the options were fewer and fewer. The only thing left is an IVF that is so far away from obtainable as one can get. Staring your worst fear in the face is awful. Having to hear your inner-self say the words “I may never have my own biological child” was something in my nightmares, and now, it was real. I sat down one day, went through a ton of options and felt down. Saving is something that is possible, and probably the best way to go, if I wasn’t already 32 nearing 33. To save that kind of money would take me time that I don’t really have. I heard about a fertility financing company though my doctor and gave them a call. The interest rates alone were terrifying, let alone all of the other terms. But, I paid the $75 on refundable fee to apply, and was quickly denied. I was crushed! Back to the drawing board!

A few days later, I called my bank to see I could get a personal loan. I filled out the app, and was called a few hours later with a counter offer that was 1/3 of what I needed. I broke down, and that is when the lovely gentleman on the other line offered me a different solution. A HELOC or Home Equity Line of Credit. It was a loan of a percentage of the equity in your home that had reasonable terms and conditions and a very nice low interest rate. It seemed wonderful. I applied and was approved! A nice little lump sum now sits in my bank account awaiting my IVF. I have an appointment August 2^nd to plan for my very first, and hopefully ONLY IVF. To anyone who may be reading this, please send out lots of happy thoughts and wishes, I desperately need them. I literally have all of my eggs in one basket!

Now that I have that part of my life back on a plan, I decided to fix what I could to make myself happy again. I sought out a therapist and started seeing her regularly. I have started to attend church again, and making my way back to the gym. I will do anything and everything I can to be in the best possible place mentally and physically as I can for this IVF.

I am starting to feel hopeful again and not so lost. It takes time and lots of effort, but I am getting there! Life has been super stressful over the last 7 months, and I have had some very down moments, but looking at how things are compared to what they could have been, makes me very grateful! I am leaving this post today with a heart that is mending starting to let the light back in. Love to you all!

Happy 2017 Friends!!

Hello good ol’ blog! Been a while good friend! So….Happy 2017 to start! It is so crazy thinking about how fast the year flew by! Taking a moment to reflect on 2016….it was a decent year. There we some huge changes and quite a few disappointments, but all in all, it was good. The worst moments of the year were by far my failed IUI’s and the slew of medical bills that followed. Feeling that kind of failure and depression was like anything I had experienced. I was so thankful to have tons of love and support to help me through all of it. The best moments of 2016 had to be all of the time spent with my family and friends. Really getting to spend good quality time with everyone, and making so many great memories with my love and step daughter. I had plenty of wonderful moments to drown out the bad. But, as we say every year….Here is to a better year! Let’s hope 2017 is the best year yet!

Going back and re-reading my last post was so interesting. I could feel the positivity flowing from it, and it is carrying over to this one for sure! Last time I updated, I had given a presentation about hopefully changing our fertility policy to include comprehensive fertility benefits. Well, like most things this last year, I was let down. It would have cost an increase of 1% and I guess that was too much. I mean, I kind of get it. Our company is composed mainly men, and women who have grown children or are out of their child bearing years. To ask something like this didn't make much sense to the majority, but I am still proud of myself for asking. You never know unless you ask.

On the other side of this, we got some amazing news! D’s company sent him a letter saying he was eligible to sign up for their benefits. He brought home the information and I flipped right to the good stuff. His company pays for IUI’s and IVF up to $25,000! We could not stop crying! This just opened up the door for us to have a fighting chance at having our baby. I filled out the forms, got ourselves enrolled, and I am not on comprehensive fertility benefits! I cannot believe that this happened! It was truly a gift from God! Our plan for the new year is to start again with an IUI and if that doesn't work, we will start on IVF. I feel so good about this and hope and pray with everything I have that I finally get to experience being pregnant, having a baby, and being a Mom.

On top of all of this good news, I decided to try a little something adventurous in my life. Well, nothing too crazy, I ain't that adventurous! I started a YouTube channel. I had been obsessed with YouTube the past few years, and it always looked like so much fun! I bought a camera, some editing software, and launched my channel in October. I have had sooooo much fun with it! I do everything from beauty reviews, un-boxings, crafts and baking tutorials, chat about life and have fun! Hoping to possibly do a side channel that is just for fertility, but we will see.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLUUdBBczEakx523Qz74vJA

There are so many great things on the horizon and I am beyond excited to see what this year holds! I promise to update more regularly! I hope whomever reads this has an amazing new year! We all deserve it! Lots of love and hope to all!