God Is Good!

I sit here today with my heart so full of joy, because I am officially pregnant for the first time in my life! This week has been filled with ups and downs but it was worth every moment!

After taking the test and getting a negative on 5dp5dt, I became depressed and very hopeless. I was racking my brain trying to come up with possible plans after I got the final negative. My family and friends tried to keep my spirits up with positive messages and so much love and support. By the time Wednesday came around, I was a mess. I had done nothing but pray and cry the morning of my blood test, my managed to slap on a smile while D and I made our way to my doctor’s office. We went inside, did the blood draw, walked out of the door, and just cried in each other’s arms and said another prayer.

We each went to work, nervous as can be. At my desk, I tried to breath and prepare myself for the worst. I planned to work ahead so that way I could take the rest of the day off to grieve. I was incredibly productive I must say! My plan for the phone call was to let it go to voicemail, and then conference call my Mom and D so we could all hear the results at the same time. At 11:56a, I got the call. I ran to the conference room, dialed my mom but couldn’t get D on the line too. So I hung up with her and called him. My heart dropped as I saw it was only a :07 message. I hit play and heard my very monotone doctor tell me to call her back. I went to call her back, but got a generic voicemail message that they were closed for lunch! Ahhhh!! How am I supposed to wait ANOTHER hour! I told D that if she called again before 1p, I would answer it and then call him. If she didn’t call, I would get him on the line and call around 1:15.

At 12:57pm my phone rang, and it was my doctor. I grabbed my phone, and headed for the conference room. I answered the phone holding my breath. Then she uttered the word that shook my world…CONGRATULATIONS. I could not believe it! My HCG was at a 94 and Progesterone was 18.6. She told me to up my PIO injections and go back Friday for another test. I hung up and cried my eyes out! I was so ecstatic and completely in shock! I thought it was negative. The only thing that made me slightly believe that it was positive was that the dull pain and slight cramping I still felt was solely on my left side, which is where my uterus is. But that was it. Again, complete shock! I called my Mom and D and some of my close friends to share the good news!

One of the best parts was telling A. I picked her up from school, and she asked me immediately. D wanted us to tell her together, so I just evaded the question and said I have my test Friday. She shrugged it off and we went to Girl Scouts. Afterwards, we all met up at Red Robin for a celebratory dinner. We got to the restaurant and my Mom got me a rose and a card. Alexis seemed puzzled, so we shared the news with her, and that was amazing! She was shocked and even teared up. It made it all the more special. The rest of the night was pure bliss! I even ran home and took a test and it finally showed up positive, after all of these years! Simply amazing!

I went this morning for my repeat HCG beta test, and got the call that I went from a 94 to 250. Ahhhh, incredible! My little poppy seed is sticking! I go on Monday February 5^th for my very first Ultrasound. So for the time being, I am taking it easy, continuing my Etradiol Patches and Progesterone in Oil injections, and enjoying this blissful dream world that I am in. God is good. This is all for his glory and I know that he has this. I am definitely not out of the woods yet, but it looks so good. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, they are so appreciated. I will post soon with more updates! Love to all!

Getting Real!

Being real……..not easy to do. I want to sugar coat it and put it out there that everything has been great, when it reality, I am a freaking hot mess!

I have suffered through infertility for 8 years now. I have had 11 medicated cycles, 5 failed IUI’s and now am going through IVF. I go in tomorrow to find out my beta and see if my little poppy seed stuck, but I am not feeling hopeful. I know the feeling of disappointment all too well when it comes to fertility. I have gone through countless tests that all say the same thing, NOPE! It just plain sucks, and does not get any easier. This time around, I have been on a massive rollercoaster of emotions since I had my transfer.

Since day 1 of the transfer until 6 days past the transfer, I have had cramping, that has felt just like period cramping. On Saturday, which was 5 days past, I felt miserable, I had cramping and lower back pain like crazy. Because I like to torture myself, I went on Google. First of all, if you are going through this or anything related to fertility, STAY OFF GOOGLE! Just like the phrase, “Nothing good ever happens after 2am”; Nothing good happens when you Google. All it did was convince me that I wasn’t pregnant, or that if I was, it would show up on a test, so I tested. NOPE! After more reading, I came to the conclusion that it was probably too early. So what did I do? I Googled more! What is wrong with me?! Throughout these 8 days, I have had cramping, lower back pain, dizziness, fatigue, sore breasts, milky white discharge, and a heavy feeling in my uterus. All sound like great signs for early pregnancy, but it could also be attributed to the progesterone injections I am on, as well as the estrogen patches I have. Or, I could be pregnant. Who the hell knows?!

So how do I currently feel? Depends on the time of day quite honestly. I wake up and feel hopeful as I pop my prenatal vitamin. As my shower goes on, I flip flop between it worked and it didn’t. Putting on my makeup, I study my face to see if I have a glow, and convince myself that I do and it worked. Putting on my clothes, I glance at my breasts and see if they appear larger or different in any way, and then declare that it didn’t work. On the way to work, I throw on some Christian music to calm my soul, and end up talking to my embaby telling it to hang on while praying and crying the whole way. Can we blame part of this behavior on the hormones I am on?! During my 9 hours at work, I have full conversations in my mind of did it/didn’t it, as well as imagining getting the call either way and how I will react. I try to come up with a plan for each scenario, also while sneaking in a Google search or two. On my drive home, I do more of the same as my drive to work. When I get home, I have now exhausted myself and my brain from the entire day of events and end up passing out by 8pm.

I wish I could say that all of that was an exaggeration, but sadly, it is not. I over analyze every feeling, every symptom and every thought. But the simple truth is, there is nothing I can do, it is completely out of my hands and in God’s hands. But why is that so hard to accept? Because I am a control freak, and I hate admitting that I am not in control and completely powerless in this situation. I have done all I can do, and if it is His will, it will be. No matter what, I will be okay. I am confident that He will bless me with a child, if not now, then possibly the next time, because I will not give up! I go in tomorrow morning for my beta test, good or bad; I can handle it because He is on my side. I am asking now as I always do, if you are reading this, please send a happy thought or prayer my way! Much love to you all, and I will update soon.

FET Trasfer Day!!!

Do not be afraid.  Just believe.  Mark 5:36

The last few days have been so surreal, and I bounce around between being elated and terrified. But one thing calms me and centers me, and that is know that the Lord has this. I don’t have to worry and try to figure it all out, I have done what I can do, and the rest is up to Him!

A lot has happened since my last blog post, so let’s catch up! My IVF in November resulted in a total of 7 wonderful little embryo’s. 3 were 5 day, and 4 were 6 day. I was beyond excited that I have 7 little miracles. Because of how well my body responded during the IVF, they were worried about OHSS and decided that I would do a Frozen Embryo Transfer in January. Back in November, that seemed like quite a ways away still. But as everything does now days, that date came so quickly. Before I knew it, I was on Estrogen patches and Progesterone in Oil injections. I got the call on a Thursday afternoon that my transfer date would be 1/8/18.

That Friday, I began to think about how quickly my world would change in just a few short days. This could be the last time I am at work not being pregnant. That weekend was more or less the same. This could be the last family outing just the 3 of us. It was a very surreal feeling. Alongside that came a barrage of emotions thanks to my patches and injections. I drove back from a Girl Scout meeting and just burst into tears; tears that were for excitement, and worry. I have only known the disappointment side of this journey. I have been highly optimistic only to be thrown off and found myself feeling rejected and lost and hopeless. I am tired of it, and I just want this to work, more than anything in the world. That weekend went by in a haze. I occupied my time with cleaning and organizing, something I find Zen like. It was nice, and comforting.

Monday morning came. The day of my transfer! It started out really nice. I took D to work; he wasn’t able to come because of his work schedule, so I made my mom come instead. She told me that it wasn’t every day that a Mom got to be part of the conception of their Grandchild! D and I had a really fun and nice morning, and before he got out of the car, we shared a really wonderful moment together, just perfect and what I needed. The rest of the morning I had a quiet house to myself where I cleaned, did laundry, and watched some good ole HGTV! I had an eye doctor appointment at 1, and then it was off to Denver for my transfer!

The drive up to Denver with my Mom was great! We laughed and joked and both had bursts of excitement and chatting about the future. It definitely helped calm my nerves as we headed up. I arrived a bit early, popped a valium, and off we went! I had to get changed and my Mom had to put on a bunny suit to go in. By then, the valium kicked in and I was feeling great. We got into the room around 4:15p and the doctor came out to tell me that my embryo we chose looked great! About 20 minutes later, my little embaby was transferred. I was so overwhelmed with emotion I just started crying. They gave us some pics and let me rest for a few minutes, and then we were on our way back home. Riding back knowing that for the first time in my life I am actually pregnant was amazing! I felt like I was glowing and I could not stop smiling. Once we were home, I stayed in bed to rest and was waited oh (heck yes!) and taken care of!

Today, I am filled with excitement but also worry and fear. I know I still have 6 little miracle embryos in case this doesn’t work, but I really want it to. This absolutely feels like it was meant to be our baby. I have been praying all day, and talking to my little embaby, hoping that this takes. I know God has this, and He is in control. So I am giving this to Him. If it takes, it is all for His Glory and because of His mercy and grace. On January 17^th, I will find out for sure if this embaby made it. Please send prayers as well, it really would be appreciated!