Holy updates Batman! It has been quite a while since the
last time I sat down to write an entry. I took a look back at the last post I
made, and got hit hard with this pang of sadness. I felt so optimistic and
hopeful, and to look back on that and compare with where I am today….that was
rough!
In these last few months, I learned a very valuable yet devastating
lesson….if you are gifted with something, don’t take it for granted. D had a
fantastic job with INCREDIBLE benefits, but I kept putting off my treatments
until the “perfect time”. We got his benefits in October, and I figured that I
would lose weight and start treatments in the New Year. I had an appointment in
January and decided to do one more IUI before jumping straight to IVF. I was
set to do it in March but my Grandma needed a heart valve replacement and I
felt like attending her surgery was far more important than starting an IUI,
and I still feel that way today! I went in early April to do my 5th IUI,
and the day I left the doctor’s office with my meds in hand, we found out D
lost his job! We had his insurance through the month, but after that, we were
SOL. To say that I was devastated was an understatement. I get so angry at
myself for just sitting and waiting, taking that glorious gift for granted. If
you are ever in that situation, don’t wait, just do it!
Finding out that my 5th IUI failed brought on
massive depression. I felt hopeless and totally lost. When I started this
journey, there were several options available, and as time went on, the options
were fewer and fewer. The only thing left is an IVF that is so far away from
obtainable as one can get. Staring your worst fear in the face is awful. Having
to hear your inner-self say the words “I may never have my own biological child”
was something in my nightmares, and now, it was real. I sat down one day, went
through a ton of options and felt down. Saving is something that is possible,
and probably the best way to go, if I wasn’t already 32 nearing 33. To save
that kind of money would take me time that I don’t really have. I heard about a
fertility financing company though my doctor and gave them a call. The interest
rates alone were terrifying, let alone all of the other terms. But, I paid the
$75 on refundable fee to apply, and was quickly denied. I was crushed! Back to
the drawing board!
A few days later, I called my bank to see I could get a
personal loan. I filled out the app, and was called a few hours later with a
counter offer that was 1/3 of what I needed. I broke down, and that is when the
lovely gentleman on the other line offered me a different solution. A HELOC or
Home Equity Line of Credit. It was a loan of a percentage of the equity in your
home that had reasonable terms and conditions and a very nice low interest
rate. It seemed wonderful. I applied and was approved! A nice little lump sum
now sits in my bank account awaiting my IVF. I have an appointment August 2nd
to plan for my very first, and hopefully ONLY IVF. To anyone who may be reading
this, please send out lots of happy thoughts and wishes, I desperately need
them. I literally have all of my eggs in one basket!
Now that I have that part of my life back on a plan, I
decided to fix what I could to make myself happy again. I sought out a
therapist and started seeing her regularly. I have started to attend church
again, and making my way back to the gym. I will do anything and everything I
can to be in the best possible place mentally and physically as I can for this
IVF.
I am starting to feel hopeful again and not so lost. It
takes time and lots of effort, but I am getting there! Life has been super
stressful over the last 7 months, and I have had some very down moments, but
looking at how things are compared to what they could have been, makes me very
grateful! I am leaving this post today with a heart that is mending starting to
let the light back in. Love to you all!
