New Year's Eve

Today is the last day of 2012, and I couldn’t be happier. This year has been absolutely horrible! 2013 has got to be better! This weekend was a weekend of realizations. Two weeks ago, I saw my husband for the first time in over a month. It started out pretty decent and ended terribly. We were both arguing and emotions were running high. At one point he told me he wanted to talk about us and our future but said he no longer felt like it since I was “showing my true colors”. Not only did that make me incredibly angry, but it really confused me. I had been slowly preparing myself for the fact that he may never come back, and then suddenly, a glimmer of hope reappeared. When he said that, I broke down and he left, never speaking about what needed to be said. A friend of mine told me about what her and her ex-husband did that was inspired by Sex and the City. Each person reflects upon their relationship, and thinks about their future and decides if they want to give it another go. A date and time are set in the near future at a specific place, and if they decide to try again, they show up. I thought this would be a grand romantic gesture that would also allow us to say what we wanted to do or what was in our hearts without speaking. I sent him a letter describing how I felt and told him that if he wanted to give us a second chance then meet me on Sunday December 30^th at 2pm in front of the movie theater where we had our first date. I got no response. Time went on and the day was approaching. On Saturday, he came to the house to visit our dog and I was out. I returned home to a note saying that he would not be meeting me so it is best not to waste my time. I was crushed. I really wasn’t sure how it would turn out, part of me thought he would show up while the other part thought he would disappoint me. It was decided right then and there with a simple fucking note. I sent him a text and thanked him for deciding and asked him to file paperwork this week. I am so hurt and devastated. I thought he loved me, and I thought he would be the one man in my life that would never hurt me or cheat on me. I was wrong, dead wrong! So I sit here on New Year’s Eve with my life in shambles so unsure of my future and knowing that soon I will be divorced. I will have an ex-husband and a ruined image of men. He took so much from me and it sucks! I really love him but at the same time, I hate him! I hate how he could do this to me. How time after time, he could rip my heart out like it was nothing. I hate how he ruined my life! I hate how he could so easily leave and be with someone else like he has no conscience. That was probably the worst moment of my life. So I guess in 2013 I will look forward to receiving my papers. I don’t know what my future holds, but it HAS to be better than this. I had someone tell me that I see the good in the world, and that is how I remain optimistic, however, I really feel like that is something else he took from me because it is really hard to stay positive and hopeful that I will one day be happy when all of this has happened to me. I hope that this year restores my positivity, brings me good luck, introduces me to a man who sees just how wonderful I am, and puts me back on the path to happiness.

Happy New Years to all! May this year be all you ever dreamed of!

Word of the day

The word TRUTH has been thrown around a lot today in various conversations. I have a ton of things that come to my mind every time I hear that word so I thought I would get them out. When I think of truth, I immediately think about myself and wonder if I am being truthful. I think about the things I have said and done recently and reflect on things I have said and done in the past. I like to think of myself as a fairly honest person. I may throw around a lie or two about having a headache or how many cookies I have eaten, but for the most part, I am honest. I think because as a child growing up, I had a lot of fake people in my life that were incredibly dishonest and it hurt me. I never understood why someone would choose to lie. I also felt slighted like for some reason, I did not deserve the truth. It wasn’t until I got into my teen years that I discovered that there were in fact many reasons why people lied. I realized that if I lied to my mom about the things I have done wrong, that I wouldn’t have to face the consequences and admit my wrong doings. I mean, who likes to admit when they have done something wrong? My first few lies flew out and landed as if they were meant to. I never gave it a second thought. Then one day, I told a lie that turned into a bigger lie and when I got caught in both, I had to confess and bear witness to the look of disappointment in my mom’s eyes. Then the realization that I had become one of those people, one of the people who had hurt me with their lies. That changed how I viewed situations and the choices I made. I am not saying I have never lied since then, because that in itself would be a lie, but I definitely make a solid effort in trying not to lie and be as open and honest as I can.

Today, I received a message from a frenemie. I call her this, because I tried on more than one occasion to befriend her, but the type of person she is prevented us from ever becoming friends. This message was a very vague message simply asking me why I do not like her and she thought I was targeting her for something. As I confronted her and the many reasons why we are not friends, she began spewing out information and admitting to the countless lies she told me. The one that shocked me the most actually hurts the most. We worked at a place together for a year or so, and while we were working together, we were also hanging out frequently. A few co-workers approached me one day and told me that I should know that she has been saying horrible things about me. She told them how I was a horrible and lazy person, I didn’t deserve to be with my (at the time) fiancé, and he would be so much happier with her. Keep in mind, at that time, she was engaged as well. I was hurt and devastated. A few nights later, it was driving me crazy and I confronted her. She cried and said she didn’t say anything like that and these co-workers hated her and were making her life hell telling a bunch of lies. So, I put it all aside, and continued on my way, never fully believing her. She admitted today that she said those things. I just don’t understand people and their motives. Did I really deserve to be lied to and talked about in that way? Lies hurt and destroy people. I am so sick of being lied to! I would rather have no interaction with people at all then to be lied to once.

I just found it ironic that the same day I keep hearing truth, this comes out. I pride myself on my honesty and will continue to live that way!

Some things never change

Today is a bit of a rough day for me. I am just going through so many different emotions and thoughts that I had to get off my chest. I am having a hard time comprehending everything that has happened. I still don’t know how my life got so out of control and changed so drastically. Four months ago I was happy, truly happy. I had a great job that I love going to, My mom finally left to start her life and she was happy, I had a wonderful and loving husband that I loved spending time with, we were going through fertility treatments to start our family, we have a wonderful house that we purchased, and we had wonderful friends that we were always doing things with. Fast forward to today, and I still have that same wonderful job and friends, but lost everything else. I went from being truly happy to utterly miserable! In an instant, all of my dreams vanished! I had said for a long time that I wanted to be pregnant before I turned 28. As it approached, I realized that it wasn’t going to happen, but I had it in my heart that we would have our Christmas miracle and get pregnant then. He was on fertility treatments that I truly believed would work and I just knew we would get pregnant. I was robbed of that dream! I didn’t even get a chance, and now I sit back watching everyone I know getting knocked up and it hurts! That is all I have ever wanted was to have a family! A husband who loved and cherished me, and children that filled our house and hearts with love and joy! Instead, I get an empty house, empty bed, and an empty heart! I hate sitting back and watching everyone’s dreams come true. It is extremely selfish, and I know that, but those are my honest feelings! I am also extremely irritated with my marriage right now as I feel like I am back in high school. When I was 12, I met this wonderful person who was the first boy to show any interest in me. We became best friends and I fell in love with him. When I say love, I mean the first love kind of love. I have come to know true love and with that came the realization that what I probably felt for him was lust. In any case, I fell for him. He was the type of person who liked to show off for large groups of people, but when we were alone, he was incredible. We had such a wonderful friendship and though I expressed my feelings to him, it always remained a friendship. It was extremely confusing because when we were alone, we acted as though we were more. We went to the movies and cuddled together in the chairs and held hands. We would lay in bed together just talking, talk for hours on the phone, and were nearly inseparable. I prayed every night that we would end up together. I plotted little scenarios in my head of how I could get him to see me in that way, or get him to change his mind. I put so much effort into trying to win him over that I pretty much forgot who I was or that others existed. It became an obsession. I didn’t have a lot going for me, but he gave me so much attention and made me feel good that I decided that there was no one else. So for about 6 years, I followed him around like a puppy and exhausted every option I had in this crusade. Then I met my husband and everything else changed. It wasn’t until just recently that I found out my first love was actually gay. I share that story because I feel like I have ended back in that same place and it makes me ill! Here I am, planning little scenarios in my head on how I can win my husband back. Praying every day and night that he comes back to me. Trying to figure out what drastic changes I can make, what profound words I can say, and what plans I can make to make him love me again and give our marriage a second chance. In reality, I am as helpless now as I was then. No matter what I do, or what I say, it is not changing anything and I feel just as foolish and pathetic as I did then! I don’t want to go through life chasing someone who won’t change. It’s not healthy and all it will do is hurt me in the long run. I want to live life, I want someone who doesn’t want to play games and who will love me and treat me the way I deserve. I want my happily ever after. I know it won’t be like a true fairy tale as everything in life takes work, but I know for damn sure that I do not want to fall back to my old ways and waste time chasing someone who doesn’t want me. I haven’t given up on my marriage, but I do believe that if it is truly over, I will be okay. I will be happy one day, and I will have my dreams come true!

Waiting game can suck it!

Just as I was starting to accept things as they are and prepare myself to move on, I get a phone call from him. There is a power that cannot be explained that he has when he opens his mouth to speak. I become weak and immediately let me guard down. Every day that passes, I get a little stronger and miss him a little bit less, or so I thought, because as soon as he spoke, all of that went out of the window and I miss him more than ever before! The conversation went pretty good, and he is actually going to come over on Saturday, which will be roughly a month and a half since I have seen him. I am excited to see him and for him to see me. I am about 8 pounds away from losing a total of 50! I just hope and pray that it goes smoothly and that God is with me and gives me the same strength and wisdom as he did the last time. He is coming over to see our dog, so I assume that the time I spend with him will be short which would actually be preferred so that emotions don’t run too high and a fight doesn’t break out. But with all of that being said, I am even more confused than before. He said something that really stuck with me, he said “It’s been almost a month since I have heard your voice”. He could have said it’s almost been a month since I talked to you, but heard your voice gave it an honest quality to it that he may actually miss me. That made me miss him more and gave me a glimmer of hope that he may be thinking of coming back. He also asked me if we had kids, would I prevent him from seeing them the same way he thinks I am preventing him from seeing our dog, and that pissed me off! I would like to think that if we had kids, he would have never cheated to begin with, and that he would have given some effort into making our marriage work instead of giving up like he did! Really, all I want at this point is a decision! If he wants to come back, that would make me so incredibly happy and would give me something to work towards and on. I could put all of my efforts into making the marriage work and focus my mind on that. If he really is done, than I want him to file paperwork so I can finally move on and get into that mind frame. I am so tired of being in limbo, and I am done putting my life on hold! I want to be married and have children. I am not young anymore, and I hate sitting here wasting time. My best friend just found out she is having twins, and while I am ecstatic for her, that was my dream, to be married with twins on the way, and I am so tired of watching my dreams fall further and further away! I deserve to be happy and have my dreams come true as well! So I am praying that this weekend gives me clarity or a direction.

Not what it used to be

Feeling so confused and frustrated lately. I sat down last night before bed and wrote an entry on my phones notepad. It made me feel better to get my feelings out, but then it opened the door to more thinking and processing more of my feelings. I will share my thoughts last night before I get into my thoughts that followed.

Today was “her” birthday and I can't help but to think about all the ways he probably was there for her today and all he did for her today, but on my birthday, I got nothing! How can my husband treat me like complete an utter shit and give his love and attention to someone else?! I wonder if he did all of the things with her that he did with me. Did he wish her happy birthday at midnight? Did he get her a card and flowers? Did they do dinner together? Did he spend the day with her? Did he shower her with gifts and praise? All of these things are driving me crazy!! How could he hurt me this badly? He has to know that this is killing me, but it doesn't seem to be enough! I am tired of this! I used to dream about his return, his kiss, his touch, his smile, but now, I dream of meeting a man who will treat me right! I dream of dating, flirting, sharing firsts with someone who thinks I am worth something! I dream of a new life filled with love, happiness, a future, and children. As time passes, the image of him slowly fades from those dreams. How long does he expect me to hold on?! If he is truly done, then let me go, don't keep me here praying and waiting everyday for a return that will never happen! After all the pain and heartache he caused, that is the least he could do! Either that or be a man, admit your mistakes and come back, but decide!!

After I wrote that, I had the overwhelming rush of sadness. Not the sadness that I have grown used to, but sadness that I am not missing him nearly as much as I used to. Going to bed at night used to be painful as I no longer had a husband to sleep next to, but now, I enjoy getting into bed and reading or listening to music alone. I feel my life getting into a routine that no longer includes him. It seems like those days spent with him are becoming such a distant memory, and now seem a little foreign. I feel like I may be transitioning into the closure phase. I am not necessarily giving up on us, but I don’t feel the need to keep pursuing it either. I guess I have fully given it to God, I feel at peace.

Music makes the world go 'round

It always amazes me how music can have such an effect on me. If there is a really good song, it can completely overtake my heart and change my mood. I became fascinated with music at an early age and have had an obsession with it ever since. I would have no problem choosing music over television or internet. I just love how music makes me feel and how some songs hold so much meaning or symbolize a moment in my life. I always thought Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” was such a powerful love song. You can hear her feelings of passion and love pour out with each word she sings. I always envisioned having a love that strong and meaningful, one where all that mattered is that we were together and living in that moment. Then I fell in love with “Time of My Life” from Dirty Dancing. It was such a fun and flirty song that pictured me dancing with my love until I could barely move never breaking eye contact as love filled us both. Those two songs are a lethal combination to model a relationship after, though it still continues to be a dream of mine! Then there are classics like my namesake Crystal Gayle, Cher, Patsy Cline, and Conway Twitty who all have pure and raw talent that also captured my attention. They probably hold more meaning to me because of the memories of my childhood where my mother and I would sing an entire album start to finish and I felt so mature and filled with inspiration, like anything was possible. Music helped me through the rough waters of the teenage years. I felt like no one else understood me except for the people playing through my speakers. I loved spending days upon days in my room or outside just listening to music, daydreaming, imagining what each person felt or experienced in every song I heard. As an adult, my thoughts have still not changed, and I value music more than I have before. Every sad song that I heard as a child, teenager, or in my early twenties I hear in a completely different way. A year ago, I could hear the pain in Adele’s voice, but I never fully understood until now. I don’t feel alone, and I actually feel inspired. These people, without even knowing it, are helping me through the toughest time in my life and I am forever grateful to them. There is absolutely nothing like putting on a song that touches your soul when you feel like you are at your lowest. Even something happy and upbeat. I heard a song just yesterday that had such a romantic feel to it, and I could picture myself dancing with a gorgeous man and taking on the feelings of love and overwhelming joy. I need that hope and inspiration. I don’t know where I would be if there was no music left in the world.

Refreshed mind and heart

I had such a fun and amazing weekend getaway with my bestie that left me feeling refreshed and refocused! It was so nice to leave the state, leave all of my stress and worries behind, and just enjoy the weekend! I am so thankful for the wonderful friends I have in my life! While I was visiting my friend, she told me this incredible story of Jeremy Camp, a Christian singer/songwriter. To sum it up, he had this girlfriend who he was madly in love with and they dated for quite a long time, and suddenly, without cause, started to push away from him and eventually ended their relationship. He was devastated, didn’t understand why it happened, but eventually moved on. A little while after, a friend contacted him saying his ex-girlfriend was in the hospital severely sick with cancer. He then realized that the cancer was the reason she ended it, she did not want to put him through it all, so she called it quits. He rushed to be with her, declared his love for her, and spent every moment at her bedside caring for her. Things started looking up and eventually entered remission. In October 2000, they got married. As they were celebrating with their honeymoon, she received a call from her doctor saying that the cancer had come back, and this time, it was too late and there was nothing that could be done. She turned to God and accepted that she would soon be with him and asked that Jeremy write and sing worship music while she laid in bed. In February 2001, she passed away. Through all of the sadness and devastation, he continued to glorify God and sing his praise which he was told by God to do. Today, he is married with 2 little girls. That story really opened my eyes and gave me a whole new perspective. Jeremy had some intense and rough seasons in his life, but he continued to reach out towards God and glorify him. God knew his sadness and knew that he had great things in store for his life. My obstacle is nothing like Jeremy’s, but it gave me inspiration and hope. He knew God would take care of him and had great things for him, so he gave it all to God and grew stronger spiritually when he could have easily taken a different path and given up. I always say that I am giving it to God, though I still tend to act as though I have some divine power to change my circumstances and telling God that I am not sure I trust in him enough to handle this, so I will take care of it. I truly believe in my heart that God will provide, He will get me through this season, and He has amazing plans for me. I may not understand this plan right now, and I do not know when this season will end, but I am giving it to him completely! I love knowing that I have someone who loves me faithfully and who will always be there! I used this verse once before, but I really feel like it applies and really speaks to where my heart is at this moment!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Short and not so sweet

I feel so left behind, so alone, and so far beyond repair. I am angry, hurt, lost, confused, defeated, depressed, and devastated! I am beginning to resent him and hate him. I hate that he could hurt me like this, I hate that he took everything from me! I hate that all I can do is sit back and take it! I hate being in limbo, I hate this feeling of love and hate! I don’t know what I can do. I feel like I keep getting knocked down and I am not sure how many more times I can get back up. It is starting to wear on me. I feel like every frustrating and devastating thing that could possibly happen to me has happened! When will it stop?! When will my life continue? When will it be my time for all of my dreams to come true? This can’t really be my life, can it?! There has to be some good in it!

Thanksgiving

First of all, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! Today has actually been very nice! I did my annual sweet breakfast treat while watching the Macys Thanksgiving Day Parade, looked at the ads and planned out my shopping adventure for tonight, and had wonderful dinner with some great people and finished it out with Wii bowling and some wine. As I type this, I have on Parenthood and am sipping away on a Mikes Hard Lemonade. Life is pretty good right now, not great, but manageable! So now on to the reason I am writing this entry, I do have to warn you that this pretty much TMI, and I am not sure who reads this, but if it is anyone I know, let it be known that I did warn you, so here goes nothing! Sex….. I have never thought this much about sex in my entire life! I literally feel like a teenage boy. My husband is the only one I have had sex with, so for nearly 10 years, I have been able to have sex at any time I wanted, and now, it is gone! I think that has had an adverse effect on my brain and is driving me crazy! The reason for this entry was the disturbing thought I had today. Lately, pretty much every man I come into contact with I have dirty little thoughts about. Let me say that I would never do anything with anyone as long as I am married, but I can’t help these little thoughts from invading my mind. So today, we went over to a family friend’s house, and this boy who I have practically known my whole life was there. As soon as he entered the room I took notice; he smelled amazing, his toned arms and legs looked incredible and that little thought crept up, but as soon as it did, I became immediately disturbed and left the room. I have no feelings towards this person what so ever, but it was the lethal combination of manliness that put me over the edge. Strangers, actors, and singers, those are okay to think about, but as soon as it turns to someone I have known since we were kids, that is when I had to admit that I have a problem. How do I quit thinking about sex? I am actually very disturbed and concerned, mainly concerned with how long this drought is going to last! I am going crazy!! If for some strange reason I have been able to keep you interest piqued and you are still reading this, I will end this by saying that I hope the rest of your Thanksgiving is wonderful and for all those as crazy as I am…. Happy shopping!!

Someone Anyone

Loneliness is taking over. I feel empty and alone. I miss him. I miss everything I took for granted. I miss his touch, his smell, his eyes, his voice, his kiss, every little tiny detail I miss. I miss cuddling in his arms, that feeling, so safe, so loved, so small, so cherished. I miss that look that he would give me, filled with so much love, passion, wonderment, and sincerity. I miss the cute little things he would say, the little nicknames, the way he said my name, his little songs, all of our random conversations. I miss the way he would hold my hand and gently stroke the back of my hand with his thumb. I miss listening to him sleep and that feeling of waking up next to him. I miss spending time with him, our trips to the store, our movie dates, and our random spur of the moment outings. I miss walking hand in hand with him proudly and confidently displaying our love, a love that was stronger than anything, that meant more than anything.  I miss our intimate moments, and not just for the obvious reasons, but for what they meant. He loved me so much that it didn’t matter what I looked like on the outside, because he saw my inner beauty. Our love was evident in the way we made love, so passionate, connecting in ways never imagined. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him! Every day that passes gets harder. Harder to handle, harder to imagine what it felt like, and harder to believe he will return. I love him, and he loves me. I don’t understand how he can say such awful things when they are complete lies. I know love, true love, and that just doesn’t go away. It may not have been as hot and heavy as it once was, but we had real, true, and honest love! I want a second chance, we deserve a second chance at love, at our happily ever after. I don’t know what else to do or say, I feel lost and hopeless. I fall to my knees nearly every night praying for God to fill his heart, open his eyes, and reveal the truth. He is fighting such demons, and although he is strong, I feel like he is losing the battle. All I can do is sit back and take the pain, the suffering, and the lies. I am doing this for us; I am taking it all so he doesn’t have to fight alone. Love has to be enough, it just does, because you don’t throw this kind of love away.

As time goes on

I have come to the realization that my life is weird right now. Not the average weird, but the beyond weird. I have gone through every emotion possible, lost weight, developed a relationship with God, picked up the pieces of my broken life, received strange prank calls, had more rumors spread about me than ever before, and have dealt with some pretty immature and toxic people. All of this was within the span of a week. Strange! Through all of this I have somehow found a balance to maintain my sanity and keep composed which I contribute to God, he who has given me strength and love. I hear from others how impressed they are with my strength and how I have risen above all that has happened, and I am so humbled by their words but also extremely proud of myself. None of this has been easy, and although I would like to say that all of the choices I have made thus far I am proud of, that just isn’t so. I have acted crazy and made rash decisions, but all in all, I really feel good with how things are going. I have somehow made it through some pretty big milestones with out completely falling apart. Our Anniversary was approaching and it started taking a toll. I could feel myself falling into a depression and making plans to simply sleep the day away. As the day arrived, I felt the exact opposite. I felt refreshed and on a mission. I got up, went to church, spent the afternoon with an amazing friend, went shopping, then to dinner and a movie. There were moments where I would drift off and wonder how he was spending the day then snapped out of it in time before the sadness took over. As the night ended, I reflected and journaled, double checking the other side of the bed a few times hoping that it was all a dream, and eventually fell asleep. As I awoke the next morning, I felt strong and proud that I did not allow myself to fall apart. As time goes on, it does get easier and I get stronger, but I still wish that this was just a big misunderstanding. Now that I got through that, I had to make it through my birthday. I made plans throughout the day with various people so that I stayed fairly busy and allowed my mind not to wander. I even planned a trip to Denver a few days beforehand to see one of my favorite bands, and I did it alone. I felt strong, independent, and pleased with myself. From the moment I woke up, I wondered if I would hear from him. I so badly wanted him to acknowledge our anniversary, and that didn’t happen, so I figured I would get the same treatment when it came to my birthday. A while ago, he told me that ever since we started dating, nearly every time he looks at the clock it is 11:14 and he thinks of me, so of course, every time I now see it on the clock, I think about him. I took a quick break from work and just before I left my desk, I looked at my clock and it said 11:14, I smiled, snapped a picture, and as I set my phone down, it lit up, and he was calling. My heart was racing and my smile reached from ear to ear. Not only did he call to wish me a happy birthday, but he was sweet, didn’t bring anything else up, acted like himself, but he planned the call at exactly 11:14. That was the best call of the day, and probably of the month. He went out of the way to call at that special time! The rest of the day was great, though it was the end of the night that was rough! As I headed to bed in our dark and empty room, I began to miss all of things that I took for granted that became tradition on birthdays. I had no intimate moments, no hugs or kisses, and I had no final birthday wish just before midnight. For the first time in a long time, I cried myself to sleep. I miss him, so much! I still don’t know how this happened, and I don’t know how long this will continue or if this is permanent. I still very much believe in my heart that he will come back. I have faith in us, in our love, and in God that we will be together. All of the negativity, immaturity, and bad decisions will not keep us apart. As time goes on, it hurts less, but the emptiness grows. Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching, and though this will probably be one of the hardest since this was his favorite holiday, I will get through it just I have the other events in my life. And if anything, I have my upcoming trip to Houston to visit my bestie to look forward too!

Humanity at it's finest!

I don’t get people, and to be more broad, I don't get life. Why on earth would people go to all lengths to hurt others. Had a phone call from the married woman who is messing around with my husband to inform me that I have no right to say anything about the example she is setting for her kids since I am barren and will never have children. Not only does that hurt, but it infuriates me, and also makes me realize how ignorant she really is. First of all, I am not barren, I have low progesterone which was fixed by taking a pill, however it is my husband who cannot produce the sperm needed for a child. I will have children! Secondly, whether or not I have children has no bearing on the fact that I have eyes, ears, and compassion for people especially children. I merely pointed out that by allowing this to happen you are setting an example for your children not to respect marriage, the opposite sex, themselves or others. You are showing them that it is okay to lie and cheat as long as it benefits you. The fact that she had nothing to defend herself other than throwing jabs at me means that she probably realized that. And it infuriates me that she believes she has all of this knowledge about me and my life to even comment on something like that. Granted, I probably should not have commented in the first place, but I was respectful, honest, and did not aim to hurt. I have class. I have more class and respect for others in my pinky than she does in her whole body. How could he ever go for a person like that?! He is sure fighting some serious demons! I just feel defeated today and crushed! For someone to be that malicious is completely disheartening! I have a clear conscious, and I feel good about the decisions I am making, though I die inside every day from the choices he is making. How long can this go on? How long will this suffering last? How long will he continue to hurt me? I think what hurts the most is the fact that he took our relationship and is manipulating it into this horrible mess that never had any good in it. He is literally destroying this amazing and wonderful thing we had together and defaming it with these lies all so he can feel justified and good in the choices he made. I know the truth, he knows the truth, and more importantly, God knows the truth. Today, my wonderful boss brought in a quote for me she got from church last Sunday. It says, "Let God handle this battle for you- trust him"... and that is what I intend to do.

Weekend madness

This weekend was nothing short of mind boggling. After over a month, I finally got to see my husband. The visit didn’t go exactly how I hoped, but it was still better than it could have been. I was greeted with an angry hello as he slid right passed me and dropped off the bag of dog food he said he would bring. He threw it down and started to grab his clothes. I asked if he could spare a few moments as I wanted to read him a  letter I wrote for him. He begrudgingly obliged. After letting the dog in and making his way downstairs, there we were, staring at each other. I felt like I did when I first met him. My knees were weak, my stomach doing flip flops, my palms became sweaty, and my heart was racing. I buried my face in the letter and read. I read each word passionately with a shakey voice. I handed it to him and said I didn’t need a response, just for him to listen to it and take it with him. He took it, folded it up, and put it in his pocket. All I could do was stare at him. I was taken with his looks and scent, and all I could think about was holding him. So I did it, I asked for a hug. He wrapped his arms around me and held me, and it felt amazing! This was the man I knew, this is the love I knew, this was him, simply him, and at that moment, nothing else mattered. We let go, and then he was back on his mission. He fled to the man cave and started grabbing stuff to take. In the moments that followed, I look back amazed at the strength and courage I had during this time as I still have no idea how I held it together, only to simply say, God was with me. He heard my prayer and stood by me, guided me, and filled my heart with his love. My husband almost instantaneously switched to his alter ego and made it a point to try and get me into a bad mood. He spent a few minutes firing away with things he knew would push my buttons and hurt. I retaliated a few times and felt sick that I had succumbed to his tricks. I changed my mood, took a deep breath, and began to hit him back with kindness. Anytime the topics got heated or heavy, I changed them to lighthearted ones, or random questions or updates about life. It seemed to help as time went on, his mood lightened. Towards the end, we found ourselves alone in the mancave, and I took full opportunity of that moment to uncover the truth. I told him how much I loved him and how I knew that he was coming back. He retaliated with a pretty hurtful question, “How do you know I am not going to file papers”? he said in a cocky tone. I looked at him deep in his eyes, and I just knew. I spoke honestly and from the heart and was somehow inclined to grab the bible which I still don’t understand and stand by that it was Gods will that I did that, but I simply told him that I take one look in his eyes and I know, I know that he will not go through with papers, and he will come back to me because I see the love and truth in this eyes. The love we have is strong and real, and no matter what he tells himself, his friends, or her, he loves me, is in love with me, and will regret this decision and will come back. I put my hand on the bible and said I was that sure. He kept repeating that he is done and he will get papers and he is not in love with me, but almost every time he said it, a smile slowly spread across his face. It was like his body was rejecting each lie. All I could do was smile back, and to which he said I have a gorgeous smile and I was cute. We embraced once more and I took in every moment of that. I felt courage and asked for a kiss. He said no because it would complicate things and I need to be patient. Not sure what the meaning of that was and I told him that he said no because he knows that a kiss would reveal how in love with me he was and he smiled and came back with a smart ass comment, “I’m not a piece of meat”! We let go and I let him continue on with the last of the stuff he was going to take, which ended up not being that much since he said I was distracting him, and I used that opportunity to throw in my weight loss and commented that it was my hot body that distracted him. He smiled! He took the dog for a walk and returned in an okay mood. He said goodbye but wandered around the house like he didn’t want to leave. We talked randomly for a few more minutes where we embraced again, told each other we loved one another, than he left. I felt okay about his visit, though it was hard to hear some of the stuff he was saying, and it made me miss him even more. Now let’s skip ahead to Sunday. Day started out great, went to church, got to spend time with a great friend, and then  I went back home and started surfing the web. I went on Facebook and looked at the profile of the girl whos father owns the house my husband is staying at. I could just say my husband’s friends, but he despises her. I was friends with her on Facebook merely for entertainment as her updates were so pathetic they were funny, and I loved using the pictures she put up to scare my husband, he would call her the troll on the Labyrinth and we would rudely make fun of her hideous looks. Not morally good, but it made me feel better as she is genuinely a horrible person. She is rude, two-faced, selfish, lazy, spoiled, constantly lies,  and way over confident in her looks and personality when she should not be at all. I have never liked her and neither has my husband. Her name even became synonymous with shit. We would literally say, I’m gonna go drop an _____, after her name! In any case, I look at her page and see that she is now friends with her, the woman who took my husband. I get ill, physically ill, but then laugh to myself thinking, yes, they are exactly the same, so it makes sense that they would be friends! I know how much my husband hates this chic, so it’s only a matter of time before he feels the same about this whore! I feel silly sometimes explaining to everyone that I know he is going to comeback. The evidence doesn’t look good, but I just know. Something in my heart and soul is telling me that he is going to come back. So all I can do is wait for the feelings to run out on this crazy, pathetic, lunatic, and wait for my husband to return to me. WE have a love that can stand up to anything!

Where has time gone?

Time, that is what the theme of the past few days has been. Yesterday marked one month that my world was turned upside down and destroyed. Today has been one month since I have seen the love of my life of nearly 10 years and the first holiday I have celebrated without him. Tomorrow will be one week since I have spoken to him. In 11 days it will be our 6^th year anniversary, and in 14 days it will be my birthday! All of these dates and realizations have hit my hard. I thought for sure he would be back in a week or so apologizing and begging me to work things out, and yet, there has been nothing. Every day that passes is just as hard as the day before and the loneliness and sadness increases. I can’t believe that this is happening, it is still a total shock to me. Through my life I have been a witness to many failed relationships. I have seen people who have become distant, lost interest, given up, and have inevitably ended. You could always pinpoint that exact moment when they started acting strange and their whole demeanor changes, you feel it in your relationship, in your mood and you know it’s nearing the end. That was not us. That is why I am having such a hard time believing that this is what he really wants. We did date nights 3 times a week, we would wander stores picking out things to decorate our house with or that inspired us to rearrange furniture. We would talk for hours about random things, about religion, hopes and dreams, future trips, retirement, world events, friends, pretty much anything. We cuddled all the time, feel asleep in each other’s arms, constantly told each other how in love we were and how much we meant to each other. We had that look in our eyes of love, lust, wonderment and longing. We did cutesy things and had little nicknames for each other. We would text or call each other several times a day, and we were planning a family together. All of this continued up until the day everything changed. There was no distance, no constant arguing, no unhappy moments, no cold shoulders, no clue that he ever wanted this. I will say it now and until the day I die, he does not want this as much as I don’t want this. He is lost, confused, and fighting some pretty big demons right now. I have faith that he will come back, I know he will! It just really sucks that I have to wait in agony for him to realize his true feelings. They say the greatest things in life are worth waiting for. And he is pretty great, in fact, he is an amazing person with so many wonderful qualities and I will not let these choices define who he is. This is not him, I know that. He just needs to remember who he is and how much we mean to each other. I love him with every beat of my heart and every breath that I take and will continue to do so for the rest of our life!

Moments

Do you ever have the moments that you realize you are exactly where you were meant to be at that exact moment? I had that this weekend. I was at church on Sunday waiting for the service to begin and this song comes on. I like the beat so I Shazam it, and keep it in my tag folder for later. The whole church service was completely fitting for the point in my life that I am in, and even the ending message touched me in such a deep way. That was the moment I am talking about. So let’s skip ahead to today. I am working and I feel like listening to music so I bring up my tags and go to Youtube to listen. I am jamming out and to the right side of the screen, something catches my eye. It is a video from the same artist I am listening to, and the song is called “You Kill Me”, and something was telling me to listen. The first 30 seconds of the song intrigued me and I was dying to look up the lyrics. As I read them, a chill went down my spine and my heart filled with sorrow and immense sadness. Here they are:

Hold your head up dear
I'm the one who's wounded here
But I love you still the same

There's patterns on the floor
But I can't look at you any more
Thats when you look at me

You pull me down underneath
And my air, I can't breath
I can't sleep , I can't dream
And I can't stop loving you, kill me

30 years down in flames
I gave my heart , I took a name
Took a chance , took a ring
I can't stop loving you, kill me

I close my eyes and say
This can not be happening
Am I the one to blame?

When we rang the wedding bells
Should we have left with someone else?
Is that what you really need?
Is that what you really need?

You pull me down underneath
And my air, I can't breath
I can't sleep , I can't dream
And I can't stop loving you, kill me

30 years down in flames
I gave my heart , I took a name
Took a chance, took a ring
I can't stop loving you, kill me

Everything I've been
Everything I am
My hearts the same as yours
I love you the same

Everything I've been
Everything I am
My hearts the same as yours
I love you the...

(I love you the same)
(I love you the same)
(I love you the same)

Everything I been
Everything I am
My hearts the same yours
I love you the same

~You Kill Me by Paper Route~

I could not believe it, they were everything I was thinking and feeling summed up in a powerful song. It doesn’t necessarily make me feel better, but it gives me a sense of peace that I am not the only one thinking the same thing. You would think every day would get easier, but it doesn’t. I just miss him a million times more and have this incredible urge to talk to him. So far, I haven’t spoken to him since Thursday, and I took my counselors advice and started journaling like I was talking to him. It helps but it still kills me that I am not actually talking to him, that I know nothing about what he is thinking or feeling. It probably didn’t help that the journal I am using is one that I started when Greg and I started dating. Inside are endless amounts of love notes, professions of love, flowers, letters about how I am his world and he can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me. I want so badly for him to read it, all of it like I had so he can remember how much I meant to him and how much he means to me. I still feel so lost and so alone. I feel like I am in limbo with no end in sight. It has to get better, it just has to!

Ouch

Last night I went through about a bottle and a half of wine, needless to say, it was not a good day! The day started off okay, I was happy that I lost another pound and a pair of jeans I couldn’t fit into suddenly fit. Work was going good, moderately busy and was able to talk to a friend and distract myself further. And then, everything fell to shit! He calls me and politely asks if he can come grab some warm clothes because of the snowy cold weather, he apologizes for the rude things he said and did yesterday which was nice, and then we start talking bills. I am personally struggling with this because he seems to feel like he is no longer responsible for these bills that we created together. I don’t get the luxury of walking away and saying screw it. I have to be the responsible one here! We worked so hard to get out of debt and create this life together, I am not going to have my credit ruined again. So now I am forced to look for a second job until I can let the contracts on some of our extras expire. As I am explaining this to him, he begins to get snotty, so I let him go. Not even 10 minutes later, he is calling me back asking to talk to me about us. I give in and lock myself in the conference room. He starts to tell me that my mom is the big issue, and now that she is living there, any chance that I had for him to come back is gone. Not only does this upset me, but it kills me. Why does he think it is okay to give me these glimmers of hope and then yank them away like it is nothing?! I understand that he has problems with my mom, but be a man and admit that she is not the reason we are here! I continue to tell him the things I am working on and the things I have discovered about myself that I don’t like. As I am listing them off, I tell him that since I am being honest, he should too. He should own up to what happened and admit that he was wrong. Does he?.... NOPE! It is now my fault because I asked him not to talk to her outside of work and because of that request, I pushed him into calling her. His reasoning baffles me, but I let him continue. Just as I ask him to explain what is going on in his head, he decides right in that moment to tell me that the friends he is staying with are expecting their first child. Now this woman I don’t particularly care for, she has always been rude and not a nice person. I told him when all of the fertility stuff was going on, that I don’t care who gets pregnant, I just want to get pregnant before she does. I know that is rude and cold hearted, but that is how I felt. Going back to that moment, I felt like he was standing before me with a giant knife that he stabbed in my heart. I couldn’t breathe. Why in that moment, and this time in my life, did he have to tell me that. It was probably the most painful moment thus far. Here is this woman who for the most part is just downright mean, she has everything handed to her, and she has a husband who loves her, but now, she is pregnant. She has my dream, and it is not fair! I have worked so hard for everything in my life, and where does it get me?! I have debt, no husband, and no child! I do not understand life or gods plan. Did he forget about me, am I lost under a stack of others? I just don’t get it. I feel completely heartbroken and devastated! I am not sure I can take much else. Needless to say, today is kind of a miserable day. I am hungover, still feeling shitty, and more lost than ever! I just want to know that this will get better, that there will be a light at the end of this very dark and long tunnel. Will I ever have the fairy tale ending?

Choices

Had lunch with a friend today that I hadn’t seen in a while, and as we are catching up, she tells me that her niece has had a similar experience to mine. She has been married for only a few years and they have 2 children. He recently told her he is not happy and he is starting to see someone at work, so he moves out. She goes, files for divorce, and has been getting her life together, and now that the husband sees how she is dealing with this realizes he wants her back yet she is still going through with the divorce. As I listen, I can’t help but feel uneasy as I am choosing to do the exact opposite. I am letting him walk all over me, hurt me, abandon me, and trash me all while he is out having fun and making these choices without regard to us, our marriage, or his promise. It made me yet again question my decisions. In my heart, I am making the choices I am making not only because I love him, but because I don’t feel that marriage should be taken so lightly. I never entered into marriage for the piece of paper, I didn’t do it for financial security, and I didn’t do it because it felt like the next logical step. I did it because I love him, because he is my life, and because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with the man I love in a bond that was unbreakable. To me, marriage isn’t something you can try on and throw it away when you outgrow it, it takes work, hard work. In a marriage, divorce is not an option. That is why you stand before God himself and vow to him and each other that this is forever. If you have ever in your life thought, well if this doesn’t work out, we could always get divorced….then marriage is not for you! Things right now are at their worst, but I have never felt like I needed to give up, and I won’t. I will fight for my marriage because I believe in it and us. Every day, my heart grows heavy and breaks, but my love remains. Some might call my decision foolish but I believe in my heart that he will return. Our love is so strong, that even in the midst of all of this, we will find our way back to each other.

Reflection

First things first… my little blogging secret is out. I was so excited that I had over 100 views that I forgot I had not shared with anyone that I had a blog, so when I posted it on Facebook, I had all of my friends curious about it, so I shared it. With that being said, I want to take a minute and express my overwhelming gratitude for the wonderful and amazing people I have in my life. This has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced, but has been somewhat bearable because of my friends. Growing up, I was never part of the popular groups. I was always picked last and dumped first. I would get so depressed in high school because of that fact. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized how lucky I was. I didn’t have 30 so-so friends that faded through the years, no, I had a small group of incredible friends that mean more to me than they realize! Through all of this, they have been my support, my words of encouragement, my shoulder to cry on, my ears to listen, and they do it all without compliant. I love them all so very much, and my life would not be the same without them.

 

Now that my eyes are filled with tears, I am going to get back on topic. This weekend I have really transformed, and I’m not really sure what happened. I have dropped close to 30 pounds, discovered my longing for a stronger spiritual relationship with God, uncovered some good and bad things about my character, and now feel a little more at peace with what is going on. Nothing has really changed as far as my situation. He of course passed on counseling with me this weekend, which wasn’t a surprise, but I still had hopes. I learned that even though he says he is “happy”, I know him better than he would like to admit and discovered that he is actually unhappy. I don’t know why he feels like he has to lie and put up this wall that he is hiding behind. His cold words and self-degrading remarks only show just how lost he is. I made a decision this weekend and sent a subsequent email to him detailing said decision about this situation. I am just going to “kill him with kindness” so to speak. I will not speak with harsh tones, I will not say things out of anger that I may regret, I will not fight or get pulled into a fight. It would be easy to become vengeful, let me anger show, destroy his belongings, mope around and tell him off, but I have never been one to take the easy road, so why start now? And really, as good as it would feel to get angry and get revenge, it would only feel good for that moment and would leave me with regret. So I will continue to show my love to him and remind him that I am not going anywhere, because we took vows, through good times and bad, we would always be there for each other. I will be the best person I can be and hope that he realizes what he is throwing away. Really, I have nothing left to lose. And even if all of this fails, and he really is done, I will be the real winner because I will have become stronger, smarter, fearless, healthier, and will feel good knowing I have done all that I could do and I have no regrets.  

Lost

I feel completely and utterly lost! I am now entering week 3 of this hellish punishment. We communicate mainly through text messages and have spoke to him a few times, though it mainly revolves around money or bills. This is killing me, day by day, I feel like my soul is dying. I miss him, I miss him like crazy! Not only have I lost my husband, but I have lost my best friend. I want to know how his day is, and his thoughts on the shows that we like. I want to tell him about the lump on my breast I found, and I want him to come to my breast ultrasound because I am terrified. I knew everything about this man, and I feel like I now know nothing. Everything reminds me of him, everything brings back memories both good and bad, and everything makes me miss him so much more. We have only had 2 decent conversations in the past 3 weeks and that blows. What happened, I still don’t understand. I feel blindsided and cheated. I know I am not the first person to go through this, but I honestly thought that this would never happen to us. I thought we knew each other and had a strong, great marriage. I believed in my heart that we were going to be together forever. Just last month I had a dream that I swore was a glimpse into our future. We went to our appointment in November and they gave us the go ahead with IUI where on our first attempt, we conceived. We went on to have b/g twins who looked like the perfect mix of us. They were running around outside early on a Saturday, playing with their dad in the tree house while I made waffles for breakfast. It seemed so real and not outside the realm of possibility. But now, I am left with an empty bed, empty feelings, and broken promises. I am devastated. The worse part for me is the uncertainty. He tells me he is done, but then tells me there is still a small chance. He tells me he wants to get his own place and that he is not “in love” with me anymore, but then asks me if I know that he is meant for me and if he will make me happy. I invited him to counseling this Saturday, and to my surprise, he said he would consider it. I honestly don’t think he will go, but it would be amazing if he did. I want a different perspective of someone who has dealt with this before and who can objectively tell it like it is. I get so confused, and when we talk, emotions run high. It would be nice to have a moderator help us to either work on it or to help me get through this. Sometimes I feel silly holding on this hard and trying this hard after everything he has done to me, but I love him. I never realized how much I loved him or how strong that love is. I know it is going to be hard, hard work to make our marriage work, but I want to work. I am ready to put aside everything that has happened, everything that we have said and done to each other, and have the most amazing marriage. He is my soul mate, my one true love. We can overcome anything, I know we can. I just want my husband back, and I will do everything in my power to make this happen. He has to see the love, he has to see how much he means to me, and he has to remember how much I meant to him. It wasn’t too long ago that he told me I was his life and his best friend, and as strong as a person is, and how stubborn they can be, they cannot forget those feelings, and they cannot lose them overnight. I love him more than words can say, more than the ugly choices he has made, and more than the hurt that I feel. I love him, he is my life.

Life

I am so completely devastated and defeated. I don’t know how to make this stop and how to make him want to come back home to me, to our life. We went from trying to create a family together to him walking out on our 6 year marriage! I never thought in a million years that this would have happened! What a horrible turn of events. I am physically ill. He told me he was falling in love with this woman, this disgusting, pathetic excuse for a human being. 8 days after he walked out on my she changes her Facebook to “In a Relationship”. How absolutely disgusting! I try not to focus on it, but it is so hard! I went from knowing where my husband was all the time, how is day is, his stories, and coming home to him to talking to him once a day. I cringe when I hear his cold tone and die inside as he merely says goodbye and not I love you. I have a million questions that run through my head constantly.

 
What do they do when they are together? What do they talk about? Does he ever think about me or miss me? Are they holding hands, creating intimate moments, inside jokes, or looking into each other’s eyes? What does she tell him? What does he tell her? Do they plan their future or just live in the moment? Does he regret anything? Does he lay down and night and wonder what he is doing? Does he ever think of our life together? Does he ever think about coming back? Is he happy to get rid of me? Do they watch TV? Does she like sports? What do they wear around each other? Do they eat together? What do they eat? Do they have profound conversations? Does he tell her things like she looks beautiful or he is lucky to be with her? Does he think long term with her? Does he think about the kids? Is he running away from me or running into her arms? Does he compare me to her? Do I smell better? Do I look better? Has he kissed her? Does he think about kissing her? Does he think about doing more than kissing? Will this last? Does he want it to last? Will he cheat on her? Will he leave her for me? Will he miss her? Will I ever feel normal? Will this ever end with her? Will he come back to me? Do I want him back?

 

I don’t know what is going to happen, I just want this situation over. I want my husband to realize what he is giving up and that it is not worth it and come home to me, to his wife, his family, his life. He belongs with me, we are soul mates!

Waiting...

I have a whole new prospective on waiting. I thought the two week wait was bad, try waiting for the one you love to decide if he is going to make the marriage work or if he is done completely. My life changed dramatically Sunday evening. My husband and I have not had an easy relationship from the beginning. There were some wrong doings by both of us, but after years of struggle, I felt like we had a pretty good and strong marriage. About a month ago, he started acting very strange, like asking me if he could take some female co-workers to a party, or over explaining every decision he is making. It just didn’t seem like him. I got an eerie feeling that something was wrong. Years ago when we were just engaged, he was sneaking phone calls to a female co-worker. I caught him doing it the first time and explained how suspicious that was and how I didn’t like it. He promised to stop. 6 months down the road, I found out he was calling her again and I got so angry, it was emotional cheating. We fought for months, and I wanted to call it quits, but I knew the love I had for him was strong, so I took him at his word that it would never happen again. Years later, things had gotten back to normal. I fully trusted him, never doubted him, and felt like we were happy. That brings us back to this month. I had that feeling, and then felt like I had to check the phone records. There were numerous calls to this strange number. I immediately called him and he told me it was just a female friend from work. I was furious! I couldn’t believe he was doing this to me again! He apologized profusely and said he didn’t realize he was doing it. We had been arguing about it for over a week. He looked at me last weekend and apologized again, and said he would never do it again and he wants me to trust him. I told him I would and we would put it past us. I went to a women of faith conference with his mother this last weekend, and Sunday was going to be our day together. We had a wonderful day shopping, planning dinner, and making plans with our friends for the next day. We had fallen asleep while watching football, and my mom called to wake me up. He went upstairs for a few, and when I finished talking to my mom, I went to join him and cook dinner. As I got upstairs he had a weird look on his face, and I got that feeling again. I noticed that our home phone was sitting in the bedroom. I asked him why and he told me he was checking the voicemail. I picked it up, hit redial, and she answered. I didn’t know what to do, I started shaking and fury was taking over my body. He lied, and what was worse is that she was worth all of the extra effort and deceit that he put into calling her. I didn’t know what to do, so I got in my car, drove up the road and cried. When I got back, he was gone. I called him and he told me that he was done. He had fallen out of love with me and he didn’t want our marriage anymore. I begged him to come home and talk to me. A few hours later, after he left her house, he came home. He was as cold as could be, no emotion. I begged for him to not leave me, not break the promise he made to me and God. He didn’t care. He left! We have talked sporadically, but nothing has changed. This sounds like it is over, but there are a few uncertainties that are pulling at me. One- the girl, who he told me he had feelings for is Married, with 2 kids, and she is leaving this week to go to Florida with her husband. Two- I asked him how long he has felt like this, he said a few weeks now. This coincides with the time frame that he has been taking the testosterone shots. I looked up his meds and called the dr. and they both said that if it is too high of a dose, it can affect the chemicals in his brain and cause anger, depression, and extreme mood change. My only prayer of hoping he gets over this is that when she leaves and the meds are out of his system, he will realize he made a huge mistake. The only thing I can do is sit here and wait…………………………………………….

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

When it rains it pours! I feel so completely defeated this week and I cannot figure out how to get out of this funk! I have been feeling under the weather the past few days which probably started my mood. I haven’t been feeling great about my body and my lack of activities like walking or the gym, so that doesn’t help. My mother, who was staying with us, left for Arizona this weekend and I already miss her like crazy. I stayed home yesterday to get some rest and hope that I felt better and I ended up watching 2 hours of baby shows that left me feeling anxious, longing, and hopeless. The hubby and I hit a few rough patches, though things are getting better, it still makes me feel icky inside. Then to top it all off, I made a huge mistake at work that cost the company a large amount of money, and I got a nice lecture as I walked in this morning. Not a great day to say the least! However, I still felt the need to vent my frustrations, it was a far better choice than sitting at my desk and bawling like I wanted to. Thank you for lending your ears and eyes.

All things relative

Paranoia is setting in every time I see a female Facebook friends status that contains the words “overjoyed”, “unexpected and excited”, or “wonderful news”. It almost always means they are pregnant, or at least it has been that way for me! I do not want to see any more updates of people getting pregnant unless it is my own! That has to be the biggest unintentional slap in the face. It simply blows! So when I saw a frenemies update about how unexpected her news was and then directly after that I see about ten emoticon smiley faces, I have to assume, she is knocked up! I don’t know how I am going to deal with another pregnant chick, let alone her! I am sure she feels that way about me, and I know I must sound completely selfish, but come on! It is this crazy baby brain I’ve got going on… anything and everything baby affects me in some way. I stare intently at pregnant women, especially the ones that look like they are going to pop at any minute, I bawl like a baby at those labor and delivery shows, I gawk at little babies while cooing without even realizing I am doing it, and I basically just assume that every woman at every minute is thinking about babies like I am. I am freakin crazy, but at least I can admit it. I mean, I even started a blog for god sake! I think this is how teenage boys feel about sex and women. I literally cannot stop thinking about pregnancy and babies, it’s like a sickness. I fear the only cure for this is pregnancy, so to that I say….BRING IT ON!

Judgement Day

I have a really bad habit of judging others who have children. For example, the hubby and I took my mother out to dinner at Olive Garden Friday. There was a table across from us that had about 8 adults and 5 children. During the course of an hour and a half, these children were screaming, running around tables and under tables, throwing breadsticks, and dumping salad all over the place. The adult were literally ignoring them. One was on a cell phone and the others were talking as if no children were present. Not only did it completely ruin our dining experience, but it also made me upset and really sad for those children. There was absolutely no acknowledgement of those children, no interaction, NOTHING! It felt like those kids were just accessories. I don’t blame the kids, I blame the parents. Why do they even have children if they are going to ignore them? And what is it going to be like for them later in life if they don’t even know basic manners or behaviors? That night also made me think about my cousin. She is 21 years old and has an adorable 4 year old and 9 month old. The 4 year old is having trouble speaking, saying the alphabet, and counting. These are all things a typical 4 year old should know. The reason…pure laziness! I know for a fact that she never gets one on one time, she is never challenged, and they never work with her on basic fundamentals. It is just so depressing. Why in the world does she want these children? They are not pets, you don’t just feed them and then put them in front of a television. They need attention, love, respect, a teacher, and a mother. It is so frustrating! Just takes me back to the question I ask myself nearly every day…why do some people, like my cousin, get to have children who don’t really want them or want to care for them, and then others who will do anything for them, they are empty handed? Just one of the many mysteries of God I guess.

The Scarlet Letter

As expected, that pesky little Aunt Flow decided to show up. I took it a lot better than I thought I would despite the many hours I spent Googling and researching. I had hoped that this would have been it, that we would have our prayers answered, but I guess it just wasn’t our time this month. I knew the chances of us conceiving naturally were slim to none, but I am still holding out hope! The bright side to this is that all of the injections that my dear hubby has given himself have a purpose. I would have felt horrible if he was taking them for no reason. So this month, I will get back on the saddle so to speak and start all over again. We will continue to try and pray for it to happen naturally, but realistically, we are looking probably sometime next year, and hopefully, it will be with IUI. For now, we will just continue to have fun, enjoy our new king size bed and my hubby’s increased libido from his injections. I feel like I have a better attitude and outlook than I did last month because I really feel in my heart that this treatment plan is going to work and by this time next year, we will be holding our little bundle of joy, or bundles if I had my way! Tonight, it is date night! Happy Friday to all!!

Testing Testing 1..2..3..

Well, I caved in and tested this morning, and ya know, I will never get used to seeing a negative result. It is an absolutely horrible feeling. In your head, or at least in mine, I imagine what it would be like to look down at that little stick and see all of your hopes, and dreams come to life. I imagine looking into my husband’s eyes and telling him that his dreams have come true, and telling my mom that she will be a grandmother. I think about all of this in the 3 minute wait, and as soon as I look down, they all shatter around me. All I am left with is a broken heart, a sick feeling, and a stick that I had peed on. I honestly feel numb at this point. I know that there is still a possibility that I could be pregnant and I was just testing early, and there is still a possibility that I could get my period. I just want something to happen, ANYTHING! I don’t want to be in limbo, that terrifies me more than anything. I just keep thinking about the “what if’s”. What if I didn’t get my period and all of the cramping is something more serious? What if there is something wrong that prevents us from continuing forward on this journey? What if this is the start of more health problems? All of this is making me sick! I am finding it so hard to stay positive! I just want that stick to show a positive for once in my life! Why does this all have to be so frustrating and hard! I just feel so defeated today, and this rainy weather is not helping! I hope that there will be light at the end of the tunnel, just pray we get there soon! Don’t know how much more of this I can take!

One day at a time

I am now officially one day late. That may not sound like a milestone, but for over a year now, I have been ridiculously regular. I am either a day early or on time. I am not sure what to do or how to feel. My theory has always been this; my goal is pregnancy, if I miss my period due to the fact that I am pregnant, it would be the best news ever, but if I do have my period, at least I know that I am having them regularly and I can continue my cycle and try again next month. So not having it could mean one of two things… either my miracle has happened and I am preggo, or my cycle is screwed up and that is another thing I can add to the list of things going against us. I am so confused and my emotions are everywhere. I want to remain hopeful and let myself believe that this could be it, but I also feel like at any moment the bottom could drop from under me and crush my hopes. So do I risk disappointment and test early, or do I wait and drive myself even more insane? Really, the only thing I can do is take it one day at a time and either hope and pray that I am pregnant, or if I am not, hope that my period comes so I can get back on track. I will probably break down and test anyway, risking disappointment since I am going to drive myself insane either way. As I said, I am extremely impatient!

Side note, the hubby started his HCG injections yesterday, and holy crap was it intense. I told him I would give it to him, but he insisted on doing it himself. After a 15 minute stand-off with the needle, he did it! I cried for the both of us! He did wonderful, but I hate that I am putting him through this. He is absolutely amazing and I am so lucky to have him. I am so grateful that I have him through all of this. I don’t know what I would do if I had to do it alone! I love him so much!

P-day, D-day

I truly feel like I am going insane! Today is the day that I am supposed to start my period, and so far nothing. If you think I dealing with this well, I hate to inform you, but you are very wrong! I am struggling to keep my sanity. For nearly a year, I have been either on time, or a day early as far as my cycle goes. Granted, the day is far from over, but this is making it extremely hard to focus and even more difficult not to get my hopes up. This weekend, I have had heartburn, sore boobs, extremely tired, and a dull ache in my lower back. I started having cramps yesterday, so I thought for sure I would get the lovely arrival this morning, but nothing. Today, I still have the dull ache and more cramping, and again, nothing. I will tell you though, that nearly every time I go to the bathroom, I close my eyes and hold my breath that the tp comes out clean. I want to believe that this could be it, but I feel that if I give into any of that hope, that I will be devastated beyond belief, and I just don’t want to go through that. So here I sit, giving into my Google temptations and pouring my heart out to the blogging world, praying that by a miracle of God, I am pregnant. I can’t think of anything else I would rather have then to be blessed with a little bundle of joy! So I am crossing my fingers, wishing on stars, praying to God that we finally get the news we have been dreaming of! We shall see..........

What to expect when your at work

So probably not the best idea, but far better than going to see The Odd Life of Timothy Green (bawl fest), is reading What To Expect When You’re Expecting. I went to a yard sale a month ago, and a lady was selling all the books she owns for a quarter a piece. I bought What to Expect and What to Expect: The First Year as more of a good omen than a good deal. The hubby and I called it a night pretty early but I couldn’t fall asleep, so I grabbed the book and started reading. Not only did it make my desire to be pregnant grow, it also put a ton of worries and concerns on the forefront of my mind. So by the time midnight rolled around, I was wide wake thinking about all of the symptoms I am going through, how badly I want to be pregnant and not have to go broke doing it, and now all of the things that could go wrong if I in fact was pregnant. That was the cause of the lack of sleep last night.

 

I also want to take a minute and say that my work should really put a restriction on internet usage! Because of the fact that I can look at anything I want whenever I want, I got very little work done! I think I spent more time Googling things related to pregnancy than I have doing actual work. I may actually be on information overload. So confused, tired, crampy, and all around grumpy. I can’t wait to get home, get in my jammies, and read some magazines while the hubby watches his Cowboys!

High hopes result in broken promises

The human mind, or less vague, my mind can be a tricky thing. It can sway your mood, convince you of things that may or may not be there, and can make you feel absolutely crazy. I pretty much experience this every month. While I am told that it may be nearly impossible to conceive naturally, I still hold out hope for that miracle. So as a new cycle approaches, I then jump back into my habitual self torture. I start out with a positive attitude, mix in charting and perfectly timed bedroom sessions, and then follow it up with the dreaded two week wait. These two weeks can be the most excruciating weeks a woman can go through, at least for me. I am not patient in the least, never have been.  I guess that is why I never did too well in the dating game. I need to know how you feel and where this is going soon. That is why I thank god every day for sending me someone as impatient as I am! So to reiterate, I AM IMPATIENT AS HELL! So during this two week wait, my mind goes absolutely crazy! I begin to imagine the possibility of conceiving this month. How exciting it would be to tell our story of how God surprised us with a little miracle, how exciting it would be to tell my husband and mother the wonderful news, and how wonderful it would be to have worked so hard and it pay off. I somehow convince myself that this is a real possibility, and then it goes downhill from here. Every day I over analyze my emotions, movements, feelings, and basically obsess over any symptom that I have that could be remotely related to pregnancy. Even though I promised myself I would not do it, I break my promise and Google everything I can think of. I build my hopes up so high, that when my period comes, I pretty much have an emotional breakdown, every time! As I am writing this, I am literally thinking about how much I want to Google, and the keywords I would use. If you can't tell, I am in my two week wait, going through my self-torture and praying, wishing, and hoping for a miracle! Don't be surprised if I am back next week with another depressing and anger filled rant! Now, off to Google.....

Ray of Hope

Perfect timing… Just as I write this long sappy post, I get some great news. My hubby’s doctor called us back, and said the blood panel they ran showed extremely low testosterone. That doesn’t necessarily sound like good news, but trust me, it is! This could be the very reason for his low count. So starting tomorrow, he is going to be on HCG shots 3 times a week as well as Arimidex pills 1/day. The doctors feel pretty good that this will greatly improve his count. He is at 500,000 and we need him to get to 3-5 million. I know it is a huge jump, but anything is possible, right?! Here’s hoping! I really feel like this is our saving grace! The hubby and I talked about skipping any further treatment and just going straight for IVF because we felt that the time/money wasted for treatment that may not work, would not be worth it. However, this option is fairly inexpensive, somewhere around $400, and we were going to have to wait anyway to do further testing and save for IVF. So I figure, if I can take $100 to the casino in hopes of winning more money, why can’t I apply that same theory with this. Spending $400 on a treatment plan that could save us $15,000…. Who could pass that up? I am really trying to stay positive and hopeful while also trying not to get my hopes up. It is definitely rough, both mentally and on our relationship. But I really feel in my heart that this will be it, this will be our miracle. I guess time will tell.

Long Overdue

Haven’t really felt like talking lately, but I thought it was about time for an update. Since the last time I blogged, a lot has happened! The hubby and I made an appointment with an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) who specializes in fertility. It took about 7 phone calls to find the right place for us. We “stumbled” upon Conceptions Fertility Center in Denver. I use the quotes because it was no accident that we ended up there, they are a god send! Nervous and excited about our appointment, we headed up to Denver to find out what was going on. The people there were extremely nice, and I got such a great vibe from everyone, especially my doctor, she is incredible. We did the usual weight/height check and then went in for our consultation. She went through my entire history/tests/issues, then moved on to my husband. We started on his history then moved to his testing (Semen Analysis)  and that’s when our world was turned upside down. It turns out that my previous doctor severely misread his test and completely gave us false hope. I should have never been on Clomid as his count was so low, it really did nothing. On average, a male should produce something like 20 million sperm per time, and he was at 500,000. Our appointment for IUI had quickly changed to an appointment about male fertility. We were referred to a male specialist, put on vitamins and meds, and told to come back 3 months later for a retest as this should improve. The emotions were unlike anything experienced. We went from myself being the issue, to both of us. He felt like he was letting me down, which was not true at all! After a few weeks of adjustment, we returned to that positivity and faith that had felt lost. Faithfully, he took every vitamin and med, lost 40 pounds, and thanks to an article his mother passed along, ate a ton of walnuts. Three long months later, we returned for a retest. Those 15 minutes in the room waiting for the results were the longest moments of my life. The doctor returned with not so great news. The count did not change. We were presented with a  multitude of options ranging from genetic testing, MRI’s, more vitamins and pills, bloodwork, and more waiting. Turns out that anytime there is a change in treatment, a 3 month waiting period is needed. While the doctor was talking, I was calculating the time and money investment and it just was not desirable. Upon leaving, I immediately called my doctor, the RE, and asked her opinion. Her recommendation was that we try for IVF rather than investing so much into a procedure she did not feel confident in. She has always had our best interest at heart, so her opinion was extremely valued. After days of frustration, tears, anger, and remorse, we are now going to try for IVF. The only battle we face is the money. IVF runs upwards of $18,000. My husband and I are paycheck to paycheck people as I am sure many are these days, so to us, that amount of money is not something that is easily achievable. We have roughly a grand in savings, no rich relatives, no investments, and no valuables to sell. It feels so hopeless, but I HAVE to believe! I cannot lose hope! So the next thing for us to do is go through some more intricate testing that will tell us if anything else is wrong, and will give us an idea of our odds. Then it is on to financing and lots of extra jobs. A relative suggested fundraising, but I don’t know that I could ever as people for money. So here is hoping I either win the lottery or I stumble upon $18,000! I feel like talking about it rather than keeping it in is helping me tremendously. This is our life now, so why not get support from those we love! That is pretty much it for now, but I will leave you with a bible verse that is keeping me going.

“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Don’t worry how long it’s taking, your life is about to get exciting. Just wait for it! Don’t lose hope now, you’re so close. The answer you’ve been waiting for is almost here. Hang in there! The Lord is about to show you awesome things!