Short and not so sweet

I feel so left behind, so alone, and so far beyond repair. I am angry, hurt, lost, confused, defeated, depressed, and devastated! I am beginning to resent him and hate him. I hate that he could hurt me like this, I hate that he took everything from me! I hate that all I can do is sit back and take it! I hate being in limbo, I hate this feeling of love and hate! I don’t know what I can do. I feel like I keep getting knocked down and I am not sure how many more times I can get back up. It is starting to wear on me. I feel like every frustrating and devastating thing that could possibly happen to me has happened! When will it stop?! When will my life continue? When will it be my time for all of my dreams to come true? This can’t really be my life, can it?! There has to be some good in it!

Thanksgiving

First of all, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! Today has actually been very nice! I did my annual sweet breakfast treat while watching the Macys Thanksgiving Day Parade, looked at the ads and planned out my shopping adventure for tonight, and had wonderful dinner with some great people and finished it out with Wii bowling and some wine. As I type this, I have on Parenthood and am sipping away on a Mikes Hard Lemonade. Life is pretty good right now, not great, but manageable! So now on to the reason I am writing this entry, I do have to warn you that this pretty much TMI, and I am not sure who reads this, but if it is anyone I know, let it be known that I did warn you, so here goes nothing! Sex….. I have never thought this much about sex in my entire life! I literally feel like a teenage boy. My husband is the only one I have had sex with, so for nearly 10 years, I have been able to have sex at any time I wanted, and now, it is gone! I think that has had an adverse effect on my brain and is driving me crazy! The reason for this entry was the disturbing thought I had today. Lately, pretty much every man I come into contact with I have dirty little thoughts about. Let me say that I would never do anything with anyone as long as I am married, but I can’t help these little thoughts from invading my mind. So today, we went over to a family friend’s house, and this boy who I have practically known my whole life was there. As soon as he entered the room I took notice; he smelled amazing, his toned arms and legs looked incredible and that little thought crept up, but as soon as it did, I became immediately disturbed and left the room. I have no feelings towards this person what so ever, but it was the lethal combination of manliness that put me over the edge. Strangers, actors, and singers, those are okay to think about, but as soon as it turns to someone I have known since we were kids, that is when I had to admit that I have a problem. How do I quit thinking about sex? I am actually very disturbed and concerned, mainly concerned with how long this drought is going to last! I am going crazy!! If for some strange reason I have been able to keep you interest piqued and you are still reading this, I will end this by saying that I hope the rest of your Thanksgiving is wonderful and for all those as crazy as I am…. Happy shopping!!

Someone Anyone

Loneliness is taking over. I feel empty and alone. I miss him. I miss everything I took for granted. I miss his touch, his smell, his eyes, his voice, his kiss, every little tiny detail I miss. I miss cuddling in his arms, that feeling, so safe, so loved, so small, so cherished. I miss that look that he would give me, filled with so much love, passion, wonderment, and sincerity. I miss the cute little things he would say, the little nicknames, the way he said my name, his little songs, all of our random conversations. I miss the way he would hold my hand and gently stroke the back of my hand with his thumb. I miss listening to him sleep and that feeling of waking up next to him. I miss spending time with him, our trips to the store, our movie dates, and our random spur of the moment outings. I miss walking hand in hand with him proudly and confidently displaying our love, a love that was stronger than anything, that meant more than anything.  I miss our intimate moments, and not just for the obvious reasons, but for what they meant. He loved me so much that it didn’t matter what I looked like on the outside, because he saw my inner beauty. Our love was evident in the way we made love, so passionate, connecting in ways never imagined. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him! Every day that passes gets harder. Harder to handle, harder to imagine what it felt like, and harder to believe he will return. I love him, and he loves me. I don’t understand how he can say such awful things when they are complete lies. I know love, true love, and that just doesn’t go away. It may not have been as hot and heavy as it once was, but we had real, true, and honest love! I want a second chance, we deserve a second chance at love, at our happily ever after. I don’t know what else to do or say, I feel lost and hopeless. I fall to my knees nearly every night praying for God to fill his heart, open his eyes, and reveal the truth. He is fighting such demons, and although he is strong, I feel like he is losing the battle. All I can do is sit back and take the pain, the suffering, and the lies. I am doing this for us; I am taking it all so he doesn’t have to fight alone. Love has to be enough, it just does, because you don’t throw this kind of love away.

As time goes on

I have come to the realization that my life is weird right now. Not the average weird, but the beyond weird. I have gone through every emotion possible, lost weight, developed a relationship with God, picked up the pieces of my broken life, received strange prank calls, had more rumors spread about me than ever before, and have dealt with some pretty immature and toxic people. All of this was within the span of a week. Strange! Through all of this I have somehow found a balance to maintain my sanity and keep composed which I contribute to God, he who has given me strength and love. I hear from others how impressed they are with my strength and how I have risen above all that has happened, and I am so humbled by their words but also extremely proud of myself. None of this has been easy, and although I would like to say that all of the choices I have made thus far I am proud of, that just isn’t so. I have acted crazy and made rash decisions, but all in all, I really feel good with how things are going. I have somehow made it through some pretty big milestones with out completely falling apart. Our Anniversary was approaching and it started taking a toll. I could feel myself falling into a depression and making plans to simply sleep the day away. As the day arrived, I felt the exact opposite. I felt refreshed and on a mission. I got up, went to church, spent the afternoon with an amazing friend, went shopping, then to dinner and a movie. There were moments where I would drift off and wonder how he was spending the day then snapped out of it in time before the sadness took over. As the night ended, I reflected and journaled, double checking the other side of the bed a few times hoping that it was all a dream, and eventually fell asleep. As I awoke the next morning, I felt strong and proud that I did not allow myself to fall apart. As time goes on, it does get easier and I get stronger, but I still wish that this was just a big misunderstanding. Now that I got through that, I had to make it through my birthday. I made plans throughout the day with various people so that I stayed fairly busy and allowed my mind not to wander. I even planned a trip to Denver a few days beforehand to see one of my favorite bands, and I did it alone. I felt strong, independent, and pleased with myself. From the moment I woke up, I wondered if I would hear from him. I so badly wanted him to acknowledge our anniversary, and that didn’t happen, so I figured I would get the same treatment when it came to my birthday. A while ago, he told me that ever since we started dating, nearly every time he looks at the clock it is 11:14 and he thinks of me, so of course, every time I now see it on the clock, I think about him. I took a quick break from work and just before I left my desk, I looked at my clock and it said 11:14, I smiled, snapped a picture, and as I set my phone down, it lit up, and he was calling. My heart was racing and my smile reached from ear to ear. Not only did he call to wish me a happy birthday, but he was sweet, didn’t bring anything else up, acted like himself, but he planned the call at exactly 11:14. That was the best call of the day, and probably of the month. He went out of the way to call at that special time! The rest of the day was great, though it was the end of the night that was rough! As I headed to bed in our dark and empty room, I began to miss all of things that I took for granted that became tradition on birthdays. I had no intimate moments, no hugs or kisses, and I had no final birthday wish just before midnight. For the first time in a long time, I cried myself to sleep. I miss him, so much! I still don’t know how this happened, and I don’t know how long this will continue or if this is permanent. I still very much believe in my heart that he will come back. I have faith in us, in our love, and in God that we will be together. All of the negativity, immaturity, and bad decisions will not keep us apart. As time goes on, it hurts less, but the emptiness grows. Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching, and though this will probably be one of the hardest since this was his favorite holiday, I will get through it just I have the other events in my life. And if anything, I have my upcoming trip to Houston to visit my bestie to look forward too!

Humanity at it's finest!

I don’t get people, and to be more broad, I don't get life. Why on earth would people go to all lengths to hurt others. Had a phone call from the married woman who is messing around with my husband to inform me that I have no right to say anything about the example she is setting for her kids since I am barren and will never have children. Not only does that hurt, but it infuriates me, and also makes me realize how ignorant she really is. First of all, I am not barren, I have low progesterone which was fixed by taking a pill, however it is my husband who cannot produce the sperm needed for a child. I will have children! Secondly, whether or not I have children has no bearing on the fact that I have eyes, ears, and compassion for people especially children. I merely pointed out that by allowing this to happen you are setting an example for your children not to respect marriage, the opposite sex, themselves or others. You are showing them that it is okay to lie and cheat as long as it benefits you. The fact that she had nothing to defend herself other than throwing jabs at me means that she probably realized that. And it infuriates me that she believes she has all of this knowledge about me and my life to even comment on something like that. Granted, I probably should not have commented in the first place, but I was respectful, honest, and did not aim to hurt. I have class. I have more class and respect for others in my pinky than she does in her whole body. How could he ever go for a person like that?! He is sure fighting some serious demons! I just feel defeated today and crushed! For someone to be that malicious is completely disheartening! I have a clear conscious, and I feel good about the decisions I am making, though I die inside every day from the choices he is making. How long can this go on? How long will this suffering last? How long will he continue to hurt me? I think what hurts the most is the fact that he took our relationship and is manipulating it into this horrible mess that never had any good in it. He is literally destroying this amazing and wonderful thing we had together and defaming it with these lies all so he can feel justified and good in the choices he made. I know the truth, he knows the truth, and more importantly, God knows the truth. Today, my wonderful boss brought in a quote for me she got from church last Sunday. It says, "Let God handle this battle for you- trust him"... and that is what I intend to do.

Weekend madness

This weekend was nothing short of mind boggling. After over a month, I finally got to see my husband. The visit didn’t go exactly how I hoped, but it was still better than it could have been. I was greeted with an angry hello as he slid right passed me and dropped off the bag of dog food he said he would bring. He threw it down and started to grab his clothes. I asked if he could spare a few moments as I wanted to read him a  letter I wrote for him. He begrudgingly obliged. After letting the dog in and making his way downstairs, there we were, staring at each other. I felt like I did when I first met him. My knees were weak, my stomach doing flip flops, my palms became sweaty, and my heart was racing. I buried my face in the letter and read. I read each word passionately with a shakey voice. I handed it to him and said I didn’t need a response, just for him to listen to it and take it with him. He took it, folded it up, and put it in his pocket. All I could do was stare at him. I was taken with his looks and scent, and all I could think about was holding him. So I did it, I asked for a hug. He wrapped his arms around me and held me, and it felt amazing! This was the man I knew, this is the love I knew, this was him, simply him, and at that moment, nothing else mattered. We let go, and then he was back on his mission. He fled to the man cave and started grabbing stuff to take. In the moments that followed, I look back amazed at the strength and courage I had during this time as I still have no idea how I held it together, only to simply say, God was with me. He heard my prayer and stood by me, guided me, and filled my heart with his love. My husband almost instantaneously switched to his alter ego and made it a point to try and get me into a bad mood. He spent a few minutes firing away with things he knew would push my buttons and hurt. I retaliated a few times and felt sick that I had succumbed to his tricks. I changed my mood, took a deep breath, and began to hit him back with kindness. Anytime the topics got heated or heavy, I changed them to lighthearted ones, or random questions or updates about life. It seemed to help as time went on, his mood lightened. Towards the end, we found ourselves alone in the mancave, and I took full opportunity of that moment to uncover the truth. I told him how much I loved him and how I knew that he was coming back. He retaliated with a pretty hurtful question, “How do you know I am not going to file papers”? he said in a cocky tone. I looked at him deep in his eyes, and I just knew. I spoke honestly and from the heart and was somehow inclined to grab the bible which I still don’t understand and stand by that it was Gods will that I did that, but I simply told him that I take one look in his eyes and I know, I know that he will not go through with papers, and he will come back to me because I see the love and truth in this eyes. The love we have is strong and real, and no matter what he tells himself, his friends, or her, he loves me, is in love with me, and will regret this decision and will come back. I put my hand on the bible and said I was that sure. He kept repeating that he is done and he will get papers and he is not in love with me, but almost every time he said it, a smile slowly spread across his face. It was like his body was rejecting each lie. All I could do was smile back, and to which he said I have a gorgeous smile and I was cute. We embraced once more and I took in every moment of that. I felt courage and asked for a kiss. He said no because it would complicate things and I need to be patient. Not sure what the meaning of that was and I told him that he said no because he knows that a kiss would reveal how in love with me he was and he smiled and came back with a smart ass comment, “I’m not a piece of meat”! We let go and I let him continue on with the last of the stuff he was going to take, which ended up not being that much since he said I was distracting him, and I used that opportunity to throw in my weight loss and commented that it was my hot body that distracted him. He smiled! He took the dog for a walk and returned in an okay mood. He said goodbye but wandered around the house like he didn’t want to leave. We talked randomly for a few more minutes where we embraced again, told each other we loved one another, than he left. I felt okay about his visit, though it was hard to hear some of the stuff he was saying, and it made me miss him even more. Now let’s skip ahead to Sunday. Day started out great, went to church, got to spend time with a great friend, and then  I went back home and started surfing the web. I went on Facebook and looked at the profile of the girl whos father owns the house my husband is staying at. I could just say my husband’s friends, but he despises her. I was friends with her on Facebook merely for entertainment as her updates were so pathetic they were funny, and I loved using the pictures she put up to scare my husband, he would call her the troll on the Labyrinth and we would rudely make fun of her hideous looks. Not morally good, but it made me feel better as she is genuinely a horrible person. She is rude, two-faced, selfish, lazy, spoiled, constantly lies,  and way over confident in her looks and personality when she should not be at all. I have never liked her and neither has my husband. Her name even became synonymous with shit. We would literally say, I’m gonna go drop an _____, after her name! In any case, I look at her page and see that she is now friends with her, the woman who took my husband. I get ill, physically ill, but then laugh to myself thinking, yes, they are exactly the same, so it makes sense that they would be friends! I know how much my husband hates this chic, so it’s only a matter of time before he feels the same about this whore! I feel silly sometimes explaining to everyone that I know he is going to comeback. The evidence doesn’t look good, but I just know. Something in my heart and soul is telling me that he is going to come back. So all I can do is wait for the feelings to run out on this crazy, pathetic, lunatic, and wait for my husband to return to me. WE have a love that can stand up to anything!