Where has time gone?

Time, that is what the theme of the past few days has been. Yesterday marked one month that my world was turned upside down and destroyed. Today has been one month since I have seen the love of my life of nearly 10 years and the first holiday I have celebrated without him. Tomorrow will be one week since I have spoken to him. In 11 days it will be our 6^th year anniversary, and in 14 days it will be my birthday! All of these dates and realizations have hit my hard. I thought for sure he would be back in a week or so apologizing and begging me to work things out, and yet, there has been nothing. Every day that passes is just as hard as the day before and the loneliness and sadness increases. I can’t believe that this is happening, it is still a total shock to me. Through my life I have been a witness to many failed relationships. I have seen people who have become distant, lost interest, given up, and have inevitably ended. You could always pinpoint that exact moment when they started acting strange and their whole demeanor changes, you feel it in your relationship, in your mood and you know it’s nearing the end. That was not us. That is why I am having such a hard time believing that this is what he really wants. We did date nights 3 times a week, we would wander stores picking out things to decorate our house with or that inspired us to rearrange furniture. We would talk for hours about random things, about religion, hopes and dreams, future trips, retirement, world events, friends, pretty much anything. We cuddled all the time, feel asleep in each other’s arms, constantly told each other how in love we were and how much we meant to each other. We had that look in our eyes of love, lust, wonderment and longing. We did cutesy things and had little nicknames for each other. We would text or call each other several times a day, and we were planning a family together. All of this continued up until the day everything changed. There was no distance, no constant arguing, no unhappy moments, no cold shoulders, no clue that he ever wanted this. I will say it now and until the day I die, he does not want this as much as I don’t want this. He is lost, confused, and fighting some pretty big demons right now. I have faith that he will come back, I know he will! It just really sucks that I have to wait in agony for him to realize his true feelings. They say the greatest things in life are worth waiting for. And he is pretty great, in fact, he is an amazing person with so many wonderful qualities and I will not let these choices define who he is. This is not him, I know that. He just needs to remember who he is and how much we mean to each other. I love him with every beat of my heart and every breath that I take and will continue to do so for the rest of our life!

Moments

Do you ever have the moments that you realize you are exactly where you were meant to be at that exact moment? I had that this weekend. I was at church on Sunday waiting for the service to begin and this song comes on. I like the beat so I Shazam it, and keep it in my tag folder for later. The whole church service was completely fitting for the point in my life that I am in, and even the ending message touched me in such a deep way. That was the moment I am talking about. So let’s skip ahead to today. I am working and I feel like listening to music so I bring up my tags and go to Youtube to listen. I am jamming out and to the right side of the screen, something catches my eye. It is a video from the same artist I am listening to, and the song is called “You Kill Me”, and something was telling me to listen. The first 30 seconds of the song intrigued me and I was dying to look up the lyrics. As I read them, a chill went down my spine and my heart filled with sorrow and immense sadness. Here they are:

Hold your head up dear
I'm the one who's wounded here
But I love you still the same

There's patterns on the floor
But I can't look at you any more
Thats when you look at me

You pull me down underneath
And my air, I can't breath
I can't sleep , I can't dream
And I can't stop loving you, kill me

30 years down in flames
I gave my heart , I took a name
Took a chance , took a ring
I can't stop loving you, kill me

I close my eyes and say
This can not be happening
Am I the one to blame?

When we rang the wedding bells
Should we have left with someone else?
Is that what you really need?
Is that what you really need?

You pull me down underneath
And my air, I can't breath
I can't sleep , I can't dream
And I can't stop loving you, kill me

30 years down in flames
I gave my heart , I took a name
Took a chance, took a ring
I can't stop loving you, kill me

Everything I've been
Everything I am
My hearts the same as yours
I love you the same

Everything I've been
Everything I am
My hearts the same as yours
I love you the...

(I love you the same)
(I love you the same)
(I love you the same)

Everything I been
Everything I am
My hearts the same yours
I love you the same

~You Kill Me by Paper Route~

I could not believe it, they were everything I was thinking and feeling summed up in a powerful song. It doesn’t necessarily make me feel better, but it gives me a sense of peace that I am not the only one thinking the same thing. You would think every day would get easier, but it doesn’t. I just miss him a million times more and have this incredible urge to talk to him. So far, I haven’t spoken to him since Thursday, and I took my counselors advice and started journaling like I was talking to him. It helps but it still kills me that I am not actually talking to him, that I know nothing about what he is thinking or feeling. It probably didn’t help that the journal I am using is one that I started when Greg and I started dating. Inside are endless amounts of love notes, professions of love, flowers, letters about how I am his world and he can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me. I want so badly for him to read it, all of it like I had so he can remember how much I meant to him and how much he means to me. I still feel so lost and so alone. I feel like I am in limbo with no end in sight. It has to get better, it just has to!

Ouch

Last night I went through about a bottle and a half of wine, needless to say, it was not a good day! The day started off okay, I was happy that I lost another pound and a pair of jeans I couldn’t fit into suddenly fit. Work was going good, moderately busy and was able to talk to a friend and distract myself further. And then, everything fell to shit! He calls me and politely asks if he can come grab some warm clothes because of the snowy cold weather, he apologizes for the rude things he said and did yesterday which was nice, and then we start talking bills. I am personally struggling with this because he seems to feel like he is no longer responsible for these bills that we created together. I don’t get the luxury of walking away and saying screw it. I have to be the responsible one here! We worked so hard to get out of debt and create this life together, I am not going to have my credit ruined again. So now I am forced to look for a second job until I can let the contracts on some of our extras expire. As I am explaining this to him, he begins to get snotty, so I let him go. Not even 10 minutes later, he is calling me back asking to talk to me about us. I give in and lock myself in the conference room. He starts to tell me that my mom is the big issue, and now that she is living there, any chance that I had for him to come back is gone. Not only does this upset me, but it kills me. Why does he think it is okay to give me these glimmers of hope and then yank them away like it is nothing?! I understand that he has problems with my mom, but be a man and admit that she is not the reason we are here! I continue to tell him the things I am working on and the things I have discovered about myself that I don’t like. As I am listing them off, I tell him that since I am being honest, he should too. He should own up to what happened and admit that he was wrong. Does he?.... NOPE! It is now my fault because I asked him not to talk to her outside of work and because of that request, I pushed him into calling her. His reasoning baffles me, but I let him continue. Just as I ask him to explain what is going on in his head, he decides right in that moment to tell me that the friends he is staying with are expecting their first child. Now this woman I don’t particularly care for, she has always been rude and not a nice person. I told him when all of the fertility stuff was going on, that I don’t care who gets pregnant, I just want to get pregnant before she does. I know that is rude and cold hearted, but that is how I felt. Going back to that moment, I felt like he was standing before me with a giant knife that he stabbed in my heart. I couldn’t breathe. Why in that moment, and this time in my life, did he have to tell me that. It was probably the most painful moment thus far. Here is this woman who for the most part is just downright mean, she has everything handed to her, and she has a husband who loves her, but now, she is pregnant. She has my dream, and it is not fair! I have worked so hard for everything in my life, and where does it get me?! I have debt, no husband, and no child! I do not understand life or gods plan. Did he forget about me, am I lost under a stack of others? I just don’t get it. I feel completely heartbroken and devastated! I am not sure I can take much else. Needless to say, today is kind of a miserable day. I am hungover, still feeling shitty, and more lost than ever! I just want to know that this will get better, that there will be a light at the end of this very dark and long tunnel. Will I ever have the fairy tale ending?

Choices

Had lunch with a friend today that I hadn’t seen in a while, and as we are catching up, she tells me that her niece has had a similar experience to mine. She has been married for only a few years and they have 2 children. He recently told her he is not happy and he is starting to see someone at work, so he moves out. She goes, files for divorce, and has been getting her life together, and now that the husband sees how she is dealing with this realizes he wants her back yet she is still going through with the divorce. As I listen, I can’t help but feel uneasy as I am choosing to do the exact opposite. I am letting him walk all over me, hurt me, abandon me, and trash me all while he is out having fun and making these choices without regard to us, our marriage, or his promise. It made me yet again question my decisions. In my heart, I am making the choices I am making not only because I love him, but because I don’t feel that marriage should be taken so lightly. I never entered into marriage for the piece of paper, I didn’t do it for financial security, and I didn’t do it because it felt like the next logical step. I did it because I love him, because he is my life, and because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with the man I love in a bond that was unbreakable. To me, marriage isn’t something you can try on and throw it away when you outgrow it, it takes work, hard work. In a marriage, divorce is not an option. That is why you stand before God himself and vow to him and each other that this is forever. If you have ever in your life thought, well if this doesn’t work out, we could always get divorced….then marriage is not for you! Things right now are at their worst, but I have never felt like I needed to give up, and I won’t. I will fight for my marriage because I believe in it and us. Every day, my heart grows heavy and breaks, but my love remains. Some might call my decision foolish but I believe in my heart that he will return. Our love is so strong, that even in the midst of all of this, we will find our way back to each other.

Reflection

First things first… my little blogging secret is out. I was so excited that I had over 100 views that I forgot I had not shared with anyone that I had a blog, so when I posted it on Facebook, I had all of my friends curious about it, so I shared it. With that being said, I want to take a minute and express my overwhelming gratitude for the wonderful and amazing people I have in my life. This has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced, but has been somewhat bearable because of my friends. Growing up, I was never part of the popular groups. I was always picked last and dumped first. I would get so depressed in high school because of that fact. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized how lucky I was. I didn’t have 30 so-so friends that faded through the years, no, I had a small group of incredible friends that mean more to me than they realize! Through all of this, they have been my support, my words of encouragement, my shoulder to cry on, my ears to listen, and they do it all without compliant. I love them all so very much, and my life would not be the same without them.

 

Now that my eyes are filled with tears, I am going to get back on topic. This weekend I have really transformed, and I’m not really sure what happened. I have dropped close to 30 pounds, discovered my longing for a stronger spiritual relationship with God, uncovered some good and bad things about my character, and now feel a little more at peace with what is going on. Nothing has really changed as far as my situation. He of course passed on counseling with me this weekend, which wasn’t a surprise, but I still had hopes. I learned that even though he says he is “happy”, I know him better than he would like to admit and discovered that he is actually unhappy. I don’t know why he feels like he has to lie and put up this wall that he is hiding behind. His cold words and self-degrading remarks only show just how lost he is. I made a decision this weekend and sent a subsequent email to him detailing said decision about this situation. I am just going to “kill him with kindness” so to speak. I will not speak with harsh tones, I will not say things out of anger that I may regret, I will not fight or get pulled into a fight. It would be easy to become vengeful, let me anger show, destroy his belongings, mope around and tell him off, but I have never been one to take the easy road, so why start now? And really, as good as it would feel to get angry and get revenge, it would only feel good for that moment and would leave me with regret. So I will continue to show my love to him and remind him that I am not going anywhere, because we took vows, through good times and bad, we would always be there for each other. I will be the best person I can be and hope that he realizes what he is throwing away. Really, I have nothing left to lose. And even if all of this fails, and he really is done, I will be the real winner because I will have become stronger, smarter, fearless, healthier, and will feel good knowing I have done all that I could do and I have no regrets.  

Lost

I feel completely and utterly lost! I am now entering week 3 of this hellish punishment. We communicate mainly through text messages and have spoke to him a few times, though it mainly revolves around money or bills. This is killing me, day by day, I feel like my soul is dying. I miss him, I miss him like crazy! Not only have I lost my husband, but I have lost my best friend. I want to know how his day is, and his thoughts on the shows that we like. I want to tell him about the lump on my breast I found, and I want him to come to my breast ultrasound because I am terrified. I knew everything about this man, and I feel like I now know nothing. Everything reminds me of him, everything brings back memories both good and bad, and everything makes me miss him so much more. We have only had 2 decent conversations in the past 3 weeks and that blows. What happened, I still don’t understand. I feel blindsided and cheated. I know I am not the first person to go through this, but I honestly thought that this would never happen to us. I thought we knew each other and had a strong, great marriage. I believed in my heart that we were going to be together forever. Just last month I had a dream that I swore was a glimpse into our future. We went to our appointment in November and they gave us the go ahead with IUI where on our first attempt, we conceived. We went on to have b/g twins who looked like the perfect mix of us. They were running around outside early on a Saturday, playing with their dad in the tree house while I made waffles for breakfast. It seemed so real and not outside the realm of possibility. But now, I am left with an empty bed, empty feelings, and broken promises. I am devastated. The worse part for me is the uncertainty. He tells me he is done, but then tells me there is still a small chance. He tells me he wants to get his own place and that he is not “in love” with me anymore, but then asks me if I know that he is meant for me and if he will make me happy. I invited him to counseling this Saturday, and to my surprise, he said he would consider it. I honestly don’t think he will go, but it would be amazing if he did. I want a different perspective of someone who has dealt with this before and who can objectively tell it like it is. I get so confused, and when we talk, emotions run high. It would be nice to have a moderator help us to either work on it or to help me get through this. Sometimes I feel silly holding on this hard and trying this hard after everything he has done to me, but I love him. I never realized how much I loved him or how strong that love is. I know it is going to be hard, hard work to make our marriage work, but I want to work. I am ready to put aside everything that has happened, everything that we have said and done to each other, and have the most amazing marriage. He is my soul mate, my one true love. We can overcome anything, I know we can. I just want my husband back, and I will do everything in my power to make this happen. He has to see the love, he has to see how much he means to me, and he has to remember how much I meant to him. It wasn’t too long ago that he told me I was his life and his best friend, and as strong as a person is, and how stubborn they can be, they cannot forget those feelings, and they cannot lose them overnight. I love him more than words can say, more than the ugly choices he has made, and more than the hurt that I feel. I love him, he is my life.

Life

I am so completely devastated and defeated. I don’t know how to make this stop and how to make him want to come back home to me, to our life. We went from trying to create a family together to him walking out on our 6 year marriage! I never thought in a million years that this would have happened! What a horrible turn of events. I am physically ill. He told me he was falling in love with this woman, this disgusting, pathetic excuse for a human being. 8 days after he walked out on my she changes her Facebook to “In a Relationship”. How absolutely disgusting! I try not to focus on it, but it is so hard! I went from knowing where my husband was all the time, how is day is, his stories, and coming home to him to talking to him once a day. I cringe when I hear his cold tone and die inside as he merely says goodbye and not I love you. I have a million questions that run through my head constantly.

 
What do they do when they are together? What do they talk about? Does he ever think about me or miss me? Are they holding hands, creating intimate moments, inside jokes, or looking into each other’s eyes? What does she tell him? What does he tell her? Do they plan their future or just live in the moment? Does he regret anything? Does he lay down and night and wonder what he is doing? Does he ever think of our life together? Does he ever think about coming back? Is he happy to get rid of me? Do they watch TV? Does she like sports? What do they wear around each other? Do they eat together? What do they eat? Do they have profound conversations? Does he tell her things like she looks beautiful or he is lucky to be with her? Does he think long term with her? Does he think about the kids? Is he running away from me or running into her arms? Does he compare me to her? Do I smell better? Do I look better? Has he kissed her? Does he think about kissing her? Does he think about doing more than kissing? Will this last? Does he want it to last? Will he cheat on her? Will he leave her for me? Will he miss her? Will I ever feel normal? Will this ever end with her? Will he come back to me? Do I want him back?

 

I don’t know what is going to happen, I just want this situation over. I want my husband to realize what he is giving up and that it is not worth it and come home to me, to his wife, his family, his life. He belongs with me, we are soul mates!

Waiting...

I have a whole new prospective on waiting. I thought the two week wait was bad, try waiting for the one you love to decide if he is going to make the marriage work or if he is done completely. My life changed dramatically Sunday evening. My husband and I have not had an easy relationship from the beginning. There were some wrong doings by both of us, but after years of struggle, I felt like we had a pretty good and strong marriage. About a month ago, he started acting very strange, like asking me if he could take some female co-workers to a party, or over explaining every decision he is making. It just didn’t seem like him. I got an eerie feeling that something was wrong. Years ago when we were just engaged, he was sneaking phone calls to a female co-worker. I caught him doing it the first time and explained how suspicious that was and how I didn’t like it. He promised to stop. 6 months down the road, I found out he was calling her again and I got so angry, it was emotional cheating. We fought for months, and I wanted to call it quits, but I knew the love I had for him was strong, so I took him at his word that it would never happen again. Years later, things had gotten back to normal. I fully trusted him, never doubted him, and felt like we were happy. That brings us back to this month. I had that feeling, and then felt like I had to check the phone records. There were numerous calls to this strange number. I immediately called him and he told me it was just a female friend from work. I was furious! I couldn’t believe he was doing this to me again! He apologized profusely and said he didn’t realize he was doing it. We had been arguing about it for over a week. He looked at me last weekend and apologized again, and said he would never do it again and he wants me to trust him. I told him I would and we would put it past us. I went to a women of faith conference with his mother this last weekend, and Sunday was going to be our day together. We had a wonderful day shopping, planning dinner, and making plans with our friends for the next day. We had fallen asleep while watching football, and my mom called to wake me up. He went upstairs for a few, and when I finished talking to my mom, I went to join him and cook dinner. As I got upstairs he had a weird look on his face, and I got that feeling again. I noticed that our home phone was sitting in the bedroom. I asked him why and he told me he was checking the voicemail. I picked it up, hit redial, and she answered. I didn’t know what to do, I started shaking and fury was taking over my body. He lied, and what was worse is that she was worth all of the extra effort and deceit that he put into calling her. I didn’t know what to do, so I got in my car, drove up the road and cried. When I got back, he was gone. I called him and he told me that he was done. He had fallen out of love with me and he didn’t want our marriage anymore. I begged him to come home and talk to me. A few hours later, after he left her house, he came home. He was as cold as could be, no emotion. I begged for him to not leave me, not break the promise he made to me and God. He didn’t care. He left! We have talked sporadically, but nothing has changed. This sounds like it is over, but there are a few uncertainties that are pulling at me. One- the girl, who he told me he had feelings for is Married, with 2 kids, and she is leaving this week to go to Florida with her husband. Two- I asked him how long he has felt like this, he said a few weeks now. This coincides with the time frame that he has been taking the testosterone shots. I looked up his meds and called the dr. and they both said that if it is too high of a dose, it can affect the chemicals in his brain and cause anger, depression, and extreme mood change. My only prayer of hoping he gets over this is that when she leaves and the meds are out of his system, he will realize he made a huge mistake. The only thing I can do is sit here and wait…………………………………………….