Change of Plans, Here We Go

Well today was not what I was hoping for! Ugh! I took my lovely little Letrozole on the designated days like I was supposed to, and then had a really nice and fun weekend on a little road trip from AZ back to CO with my mother. I woke up this morning half excited and half worried for my appointment today. I got to my doctors, had a little pep talk with my left side as we took the elevator up, and thought we were on the same page. I was wrong! Et tu Brute?! Just like Julius fucking Caesar, my body betrayed me! I was on the table when my doctor told me that yet again, that lazy bastard of an ovary produced NOTHING! Not a damn thing! The fucking valedictorian right ovary did its job and made a perfect follicle! GAHHH! My doctor told me that we had to make a change as she didn't see the point going on like this since nothing was happening. My two options, a cycle with injectables or IVF. Since I am not rich, IVF is out of the picture, so that left the injectables. What that means…..Next cycle, I will go in as normal, but once I get the green light, I will continue to go into the office close to every other day to get blood drawn and an ultrasound to check levels and make sure all is good. Then, on the daily, from CD3 to CD11-14, I will inject myself with Follistim. The results from blood test will determine the dosage for the next few days. Then, if my left side decides to join the party instead of being an absolute asshole, I will take the Ovadriel trigger shot that makes me ovulate and will do my 3^rd IUI. It is much more expensive than what I have been doing, but will hopefully result in a wee one and make all of this worth it! I am so lucky to have such a great support system through all of this, because I don’t know what I would do without them! I feel weak today, but will be stronger tomorrow and I will make this happen! I will have this baby! I am not giving up!

Not A Bad Start

I had my first appointment in months with my RE on Monday. It went fairly well. I still have a small cyst on the right side, but my Dr. thinks that it should be okay and will not interfere with moving forward and taking Letrozole. I started my first dose Monday night and will continue through Friday with a follow-up appointment next Monday to see if the left side has finally got it’s shit together and produced some decent sized follicles! Lazy asshole! So we play the hopeful game all over again. I am feeling pretty good about it. I am excited to start the process again this month, although it was a nice break, it sucked losing so much time! So here we go, fingers crossed, prayers said, and a calm mind wait for Monday.

Things in life have been a bit crazy to say the least. We have had D’s daughter A full time for almost 5 months now. All in all, it has been pretty great having her there. We have her into a nice routine, between school, art club, girl scouts, and counseling, she has a full schedule. It has been rough a few times, but she is a wonderful little girl that I am so blessed to have in my life. As far as her mom, things have not been so good there. She is an alcoholic, who was doing a great job recovering, until she made the rookie mistake of thinking 3 months sober made her invincible, and she consequently fell off the wagon, hard! She has been on and off drinking for almost a month. It was hard having to tell A that her mom was acting that way because of the alcohol. We have had to be the ones to explain why her mommy bailed on events she promised she would go to, and explaining why she can’t be alone with her right now. It put us in a tough place, but I think she understands. Thank God for counseling! It is so hard to watch and be part of something like this. I love that little girl, and I only want the best for her. She needs her mommy and her daddy in her life, but I know that unless mommy WANTS the help, she won’t get the help she needs. I can only think of my relationship with my alcoholic father and how many times he chose alcohol over me, and it breaks my heart. So here I am, jumping in and playing mom, trying to keep her from drowning in these emotions, taking her to functions and loving this little girl like she was mine….but she isn't. And that is a hard reality. I hope that her mom does get better, because she deserves it, but I know that day, if it comes, is going to be hard. Handing over the reins of this world we created for her, and stepping down from that role. It will be hard, it makes me tear up just thinking about it. This time that I have been able to step in has been great. And I will always be there for her, no matter what role I play in her life. I love her, I love her father, and I love our little (hopefully growing) family!