....

I just don’t know. I don’t know what to think, how to feel, what to do, or what will happen. I am confused, angry, frustrated, depressed, hopeless, lost, empty……

For the fourth time in my life, I am left with another failed IUI. And the pain and disappointment does not get easier. I went into this month feeling incredibly hopeful. I had not only one great follicle on my left side, but two this month! I felt great. The two week wait went good, other than the void of symptoms. The last two days I had been filled with nothing but doubt. Nothing up until this point has worked, so why should this. I guess I set myself up for failure, because surprise surprise, all three test confirmed my suspicion with the big fat negative!  I stood there, collected all of my wasted tests and garbage, crammed them into the trash, all while tears streamed down my face. I jumped into the shower and let the water wash away my shame, my failure, my pain.  I told the ones I love, not with words, but with a face that screamed disappointment. I was met with nothing but loving embraces and messages of hope.

Now, what do I do? I spent almost an hour at work reading post after post of women as desperate as I am for a little shred of hope that maybe, just maybe, the test didn’t pick up the pregnancy, and a few days later would change our fate. But what I read was post after post of desperation that ended in even more disappointment. They clung to that hope so hard, just wishing for a little break, but were left with broken hearts. I felt myself searching, just for the one story that was like mine that made me feel like there was still hope for this cycle. But I know the cold hard truth, there is not. It failed. I am not pregnant. But what do I do now? Do I try to collect myself and try for IUI #5? Do I take a break and hope for the best? I know that IVF is a pipe dream, unless I hit the lottery. My head is spinning and I feel like I have no direction or clue what to do or where to go. I have an appointment at the end of March that will be strictly consultation from my doctor, whom I know will have some advice for me. Will it be what I want to hear? Will I ever end up pregnant? It seems so ridiculous that getting pregnant is this damn hard! What seemed so easy as a teenager feels like the most impossible feat as an adult. The misconceptions of youth. I digress. So with no direction, no hope, and no seeming light at the end of this tunnel, I continue on with life as normal as possible until I get some clarity. Who knows what the future holds, I sure don’t. But I can hope like hell and pray with everything that I have that this will all work out in the end.

4 Days To Go....

Well, I am well over the half-way point for my two week wait, and I am not quite sure how I feel. Last month, I was taking Crinone gel after ovulation and it gave me a lot of symptoms of pregnancy, but it was really just side effects from the progesterone. That was probably a huge component to the devastation I felt when it didn’t happen. This month, I have been taking Endometrin, which is progesterone in a suppository form rather than the gel. The really great thing about that, is that it is a ton cheaper, and only has one side effect that I have experienced, sore breasts. I have a better idea of what to expect from progesterone meds than I did last month. But honestly, that is the ONLY thing I am feeling.

I am currently 10dpiui, and I feel absolutely nothing. It occurred to me last night that I am now halfway through my tww, which was great that I haven’t really been that focused on it, but it also left me feeling a bit depressed. I couldn’t shake this empty feeling, this feeling of impending failure. Surely, I should feel something by now. A twinge, heartburn, nausea, fatigue, cramping……but I feel nothing. I know that every woman is different, and for that matter, so is every cycle. It is still really soon to be getting bummed out about feeling nothing, but I just couldn’t get myself out of it. I went upstairs to take my contacts out and just cried. Friday, which is rapidly approaching, feels more like dooms day than it does a day of rejoicing. What would I do if all of these test showed a resounding NO? How do I keep myself from falling into a deep depression? Where do I go from there? I have spent so much money already, on two really great (best I have had) chances. Would I shoot for a third? Could I even afford another go around? I have a consultation scheduled with my doctor at the end of March, just in case this doesn’t work out, but I am not even sure if that will help. I know IVF has better odds and seems like the next logical solution, but that is more money than I can even fathom at this point, let alone get my hands on. And one thing is for sure, time is definitely not on my side. I am not nearing the end of my child bearing years, but the more time goes on, the smaller that window gets. These were all of the thoughts that rolled around in my head as I cried. I eventually calmed myself down, and went back down to cuddle up and watch some tv, but those thoughts haunted me throughout the night. I could hardly sleep.

Today has been a bit better; I have work to thank for the small sabbatical in my brain, but I do admit that a few thoughts have snuck in and tried to create some chaos inside. I just feel blah….not great, not bad, just blah. I am only 4 days away from uncovering my fate and it feels less likely that I will be celebrating and more likely that I will be wearing my sunglasses into work that day. I hope and pray with everything that I have and everything that I am, that this is it, that Friday will reveal that I am in fact, pregnant. 4 days to go…….