The Time Has Come!

The last week or so has been crazy busy to say the least. Between Girl Scout Cookie sales (A is in Girl Scouts), her counseling appointments, my doctor appointments, threats of layoff’s at D’s work, and my ever frustrating job, I am exhausted. But here we are, all prepped and ready for IUI#4! Even though this is technically IUI#4, I like to think of it as IUI#2. The first two realistically, were more like long shots and lots of prayers. I never had a good and mature follicle on the left side, I only had them on my right. These last few months, God has blessed me with great follicles on my left side, and I feel like these have been the best shots I could have asked for! My last appointment was yesterday morning, and it went great. The 2 follicles on my left side measured around 17.5mm and 14mm, so with the extra day of Follisitm injections, they should be around 19-20mm and 16mm, with a few small ones on my right. I will do the Ovidrel trigger shot tonight, and we go in on Friday morning for our IUI! I am feeling pretty great about it. I am going to try as hard as possible to not get my hopes up too high and to just remain positive and see what happens. But anyone who is TTC knows this is nearly an impossible feat. It is all I have dreamed about and worked so hard for, and for it to finally happen would be nothing short of a miracle! So to anyone who is reading this, please send lots of prayers or happy thoughts my way, I can use every single one of them! I will check back in with the progress of this lovely process!

We Got This!

Life has returned to its normalcy, or our version of normalcy at least. What I felt a few weeks ago was something I had not experienced before. Sure, I have had my share of disappointments, and have begun to get used to seeing the pregnancy tests negative result, but this was far more than that. I started out incredibly hopeful, but as the days progressed and I felt all of these different emotions and symptoms (thank you progesterone cream for providing the phantom pregnancy symptoms), I really thought that this was it. I was already making a check list in my head of all the things I needed to get done before “the baby” gets here. I now feel like a ridiculous person who, despite her best efforts, let her hopes get up way too high. When those pregnancy tests flashed my fate, I almost couldn’t breathe. I stood there in shock before the endless river of tears fell. I honestly felt like someone had ripped my heart out. The following days were somber and depressing. I couldn’t get it together, which is not like me. I tried so hard not to personalize it or to scrutinize every move I made to see if it was something that I could have done differently. I was slipping into a depression, but the love of my family and friends pulled me out of it.

I called the doctor last Friday when lovey AF started and marked my new cycle. I asked if I could get a consultation for guidance on what to do now. They informed me that since it was only my first cycle on injectables, that I could start another cycle with them, as long as everything looked good. So I made my appointment for Sunday. D was able to come with me to this one, which made me happy and put me at ease. I had my scan, and she said that everything looked good, no cysts, and lots of potential follicles on both sides. I was to start Follistim again that night. I asked her if it was common for it to fail when everything looked so good, and her answer was everything I was looking for. She said that even with everything as good as we could have hoped for, it is still a statistics game. Only 1 out of 5 tries works. So just because this one didn’t take, it doesn’t mean I did anything wrong, and it absolutely doesn’t mean that this one doesn’t have a shot, it just is what it is. She said it was absolutely reasonable to try this method again and hope for the best. Hearing it from my friends and family is great, but hearing it from a doctor just makes it feel much more credible and gave me the relief I needed. So as they say, try, and try again….and that is what we are going to do. I am now 2 days into my injections, and I am feeling good. I go in tomorrow for my scan to make sure things are moving in the right direction. I may have been down, but I am certainly not out!

Four Letter Word

In true fashion, nothing ever goes how I hoped it would. Fuck! That is all I can come up with to sum up my day! FUCK! I had a fabulous trip to Arizona to celebrate my grandmothers 80^th birthday. My mom, D and A accompanied me to the little getaway. We got down there, spent some well needed time with my family, had a wonderful dinner and just hung out the rest of the time. We arrived on Friday evening and left to come back home yesterday. I took today off of work so I could recover and get some cleaning and laundry done. I took A to school and dropped D off at work. I needed to make a grocery store run, so I stopped this morning to pick a few things up. I had been driving myself crazy thinking about if I was pregnant or not. I was feeling normal other than my breasts were sore, but for the most part I was feeling normal, except for yesterday. I started having a few cramps that felt like period cramps. I also had a full feeling in my lower abdomen. I started to worry that I was getting my period and became really doubtful. As I woke up this morning, I felt pretty normal. So, when I was at the store today, I picked up 3 different types of tests to take tomorrow. But then, I thought that it would be such a cute idea to take the test and if it was for sure positive, I would go get a cute onesie to surprise D with, so, I came home to take the tests. That was my first mistake, actually believing they would be positive. Just like every other time in my life, nothing but negative results crushing my dreams. I had never felt so betrayed and so hurt. I thought for sure that this would be it. I just knew I was going to be pregnant. FUCK! This feeling of failure, agony, sadness, longing, disappointment, frustration, depression, emptiness, and hatred has taken over today. I can’t keep it together. I have my friends telling me to hang in there, and they are sad for me, and showing me nothing but love and support. I have my wonderful love telling me not to give up, that even though we didn’t make it happen this month, we will make it happen. Then, my mom chimes in with the popular, I hope you are okay if it never happens, you may not be one of those who can have babies….thanks mom. I am trying my best to stay positive, hope for the best, and keep trying, but this is wearing me down. I don’t know how many more failures I can take. I feel like I am breaking. I am bummed I couldn’t come back here with some amazing and happy news, but this is not the end, I will keep fighting, and I will be a mom! FUCK!

Halfway Through The TWW....

I am almost halfway done with the two week wait. I haven't been nearly as stressed or preoccupied with it as I had been before. I have only been allowing myself to Google every so often, but have pretty much stayed off of it. Things around here haven't been as stressful, however, we leave to go to Arizona Friday and that place is like the mecca of stress! I will be trying to do a ton of praying and meditation to calm myself. As far as feelings goes, I have been feeling a little off. I started Crinone a day after my IUI, so it is tough to know if anything are early pregnancy symptoms or side effects from the progesterone cream. My boobs have been insanely sore the last 4 day, and getting worse every day. They feel full and super tender. The only other symptom I have felt has been extreme fatigue. I am normally a night owl. We typically go to bed between 11-12 pm every night and wake up about 6-630 am in the mornings. Friday, I went to bed at about 8 and then on Saturday, I went to bed at about 630 pm and woke up at 10 pm for an hour or so, and then back to bed and woke up at 11am. Again, not sure of how much is related to the meds, or just my body telling me to slow down, but I like to think that it could be symptoms! A friend of mine at work bought me a pineapple after I told her one day that they aid in conception/implantation, so I thought it was super sweet for her to think of me and to bring me one. I cut it into fourths, including the core, and ate one fourth of it each night starting two days after my IUI. I also like to think that it had a hand in helping this little one to stick. That is pretty much it for now, just more waiting and praying! I hope to be able to post some amazing news soon.....in the mean time, lots of prayers and well wishes are always welcome!