Ready for a New Year!

Reflecting back on a whole year of a fertility journey and I can’t help but be kind of glad that 2015 is ending. This year has been a bit rough. I started out in January with such high hopes. I went to my OBGYN and started this journey armed with what I thought would be the start of motherhood. I ended up with a nice pharmacy bill for meds that didn’t even pertain to me. One of the things I am grateful for is finding a wonderful RE at a place that is just fabulous! Without my doctor, I would never have known what really is wrong with me! A new doctor, a new diagnoses, a new hope and a new frustration! Very bittersweet indeed! I went into April feeling like a freak as I discovered I now only have half of a uterus, but also feeling good knowing that it wasn’t anything I could have done wrong, it just is what it is.

This year also brought on a different kind of pain. Now that I knew what was wrong, and the course of action had been changed, I was SURE that I would be pregnant in a matter of months, now that I could do an IUI. The devastation from walking away from a whole months worth of work on an IUI was rough. I had never been that crushed before. But I had such a wonderful support system that I was able to bounce back from my failures. I also got to feel a deep frustration like I had never felt before along with a complete loss of control. I would psyche myself up for a new month, walk into that room ready to tackle this all over again, but as I watched my doctors face as she moved the scan all around to discover that my left side produced nothing, I knew my fate. It plain sucked! Having on control as to which side would decide to produce a follicle sucked!

This month was one of the harder months. I was set to start a new set of treatments that I got really excited for, just to walk out of that room disappointed yet again! Nothing, except for the nice cysts that were on each of my ovaries! I was bumming hard core! I had this idea that I would be able to start my treatments, and would find out right before Christmas that I had a little Christmas miracle growing inside of me. But if we have learned anything, it is that life does not care about your plans or ideas. It does what it wants. As I started to cope with the idea that maybe it was for the best, because I can now take part in all of the adult beverages at Holiday parties, I perked up, and started to enjoy my December. But, in good fashion, my body jumped right in with a  giant middle finger and gave me the gift of mid-cycle bleeding. This lasted for about 4 days. Lucky me! Now here is where I am thrown through a loop….I was supposed to start 5 days ago. I took a test, and of course, it showed me that lovely little negative that I am so accustomed to. I am now in limbo, which I fucking hate! Was this mid-cycle gift a random bleed because of cysts? Was it the start of a period that came two-weeks early? Or is my body finally saying FU and doing its own thing making it harder in this new year to try? All of these questions that are answered with the waiting game. For now, I wait, marking a possible CD1 two weeks ago, while keeping the tally running from the previous cycle, marking today CD33. As I mentioned before….I am so ready to leave this year behind!

I am going to prepare myself for the new year! New possibilities, new hope, new outlook, and new goals! Come on 2016, make this the best year EVER! I am ready!!

Cursed?

Do you ever feel like you are cursed? When I was younger, at the moment something upsetting/terrible/tragic happened, I could literally pinpoint the exact moment just before that I was happy, like truly happy, and would utter the very words. Not too long after that, said tragedy would happen. And I’m not talking like my favorite pair of jeans ripped tragedy, I mean real-life, fuck-you-up shit would happen. I always felt that I had a curse put on me, like I am not destined to ever be happy. The minute I have a taste of it, it gets ripped away. I still feel like it’s there. But that is my pity and self-loathing phase speaking. I usually get into it when something shitty happens. Nothing absolutely terrible happened, and for that I am thankful, but it still sucks! I went to my doctors yesterday, for my CD4 ultrasound. I was so excited, this was the month I would start injections. I had this little vision of being able to share the news just in time for Christmas. But if anyone knows the world of fertility, you know that things NEVER go according to plan. My ultrasound showed that I still had the cyst on my right side that did look like it was going away, but now I had one on my left! Mother fucker! I had blood drawn and my estrogen level was higher than normal, and all that made for the final decision of postponing injections until the next cycle. I am bummed! Just when I get this little glimpse of hope, something has to rain on that parade! So tired of this! I just want to get pregnant! I want to have a healthy and happy baby, and I want to be a mother. Why is it so hard?! I just don’t get it! I know I am not the only woman to go through this. I follow many blogs of women in my shoes, and some have it harder than myself. This fucking sucks ladies! Blech! It is hard not to personalize it, hard not to fall into a slight depression, and really hard to stay optimistic! I made the mistake last night of talking about my fertility at A’s Girls Scout Meeting. There are a few really sweet mothers who just say the absolute wrong things! I had one mother tell me that she just gets pregnant by her husband looking at her. She loooovveed being pregnant, and she thought about being a surrogate because of how easy is was for her. And then another mother said that she is so fertile that the only times she has ever messed around with her husband (strange relationship, but no judgement), they immediately got pregnant. I have one thing to say…..SHUT THE FUCK UP! If a woman is telling you her frustrations about NOT getting pregnant, and her longing for a child, it may not be the best time to rub it in her face that you can get pregnant so easily. I wouldn't walk into a room full of bald people and rave about my hair. It is just plain rude! I digress. So here I am, back on the waiting wagon hoping that next month’s ultrasound shows nice clear ovaries. I would like something to go right this time! As much as I am thankful that I am still able to try, I am also getting so tired of being on this roller coaster. It is exhausting and feels less hopeful by the day.