Coming to the end of an era

Well….I have now entered the last year of my 20’s, kind of sad and definitely not looking forward to next year’s birthday! I do have to say, that is was probably the best birthday of my 20’s, so if it has to come to an end, I’m glad it ended this way! The morning started by fresh baked cinnamon rolls and coffee in bed by my wonderful boyfriend. When I finally emerged out of that heaven, I made my way to the living room where him and my mom had decorated. I got to open a gift and a card early and was ecstatic to see an Itunes Gift Card in that little box! We talked for a bit and slowly migrated off on our separate ways to work. When I arrived at work, my cubicle was decorated by one of my best friends and an awesome cup of coffee was waiting for me! Mid morning, I was asked to come to the front desk and was wildly surprised by the beautiful bouquet of roses sitting on the desk all for me!  They came with a wonderful card and instantly put a smile on my face! My amazing boyfriend has outdone himself! They were perfect! Lunch was a decadent three course meal at this fantastic restaurant in the Springs and was perfectly paired with the chocolate cake that my boss had brought it! We did dinner at a delicious hibachi restaurant with friends and a really yummy adult drink and was followed by gifts and dessert at the house. I felt spoiled as I opened my wonderful gifts of kitchen accessories, fuzzy socks, lotions and perfumes, and a season of American Horror Story! It had to have been just one of the best days! Who knew that it could get better?! I took the next day off of work and slept in until 10 which was magical! I did some randomness around the house and finally ventured out to be a bit rebellious and got my nose pierced, which I am in love with! I picked up D right after work and he told me to take him to best buy. We walked in and he took me over to the electronics and told me that he is buying me a tablet. I had a look of pure shock on my face! He told me that he wants to do this because of all the sweet things I did for him and how I let him borrow my laptop while he was unemployed. I couldn’t believe how selfless this man was! I have never had a gift like this and honestly, I felt so guilty for it! He finally convinced me and we walked away with a Surface 2! I am still speechless and feel insanely spoiled! I wanted to thank him and I couldn’t think of a better way than to surprise him with a little getaway with the birthday money I received to celebrate 10 months. We went to this cute little hotel just outside of Denver on Saturday night. We did dinner at Cheesecake Factory and an awesome walk around a fantastic mall that was covered in Christmas decor! The night was perfect…filled with love, passion, romance, and fun! I couldn’t have asked for a better night! This had honestly been one of the best weekends ever! I had no idea that I could ever be this happy! D is truly a remarkable person and I fall in love with him more and more every day! I get excited to see where this goes and the future we will have together! I don’t know what I did to deserve such a wonderful man, but I thank God everyday! On a side note…I think we are talking about starting my meds in January to see if we can conceive. It makes me super nervous and excited at the same time, but I feel like it is the right decision and I feel like we are making good and rational choices. We are still in the talking phase of this and nothing has been decided, but it makes me very happy!

It's the simple things

I had to take some time out of the night to write about tonight so that I never forget this moment. Tonight, D and I came downstairs after grabbing some dinner and settled in to some relaxation which includes video games for him and television for me. No good shows were on tonight until late, so I decided to throw on "The Perks of Being a Wallflower". I asked him if he had ever seen it and he said that he saw bits and pieces. He asked me the same, and I told him that I took myself out to see this in theaters alone. This came out in October of last year, just shortly after my husband had left me. I remember sitting alone in the dark theater thinking that my life was just pure shit. I hadn't felt that kind of loneliness and emptiness in my life. The movie was incredible, but there was this one line in the movie that instantly reduced me to a weeping hot mess. "We accept the love we think we deserve"....such a power phrase. All I could think was that I must not feel like I deserve much since I am begging this man to stay in my life who could treat me so poorly. How could I want a man back that clearly didn't love me?! At that moment, I felt like I hit rock bottom. I was broken and destroyed. At that moment, I felt like I lost everything and there was absolutely no way that I could ever be happy or have anything remotely as wonderful as I had it. Fast forward to tonight....I have this wonderful man beside me that put his game away, and sat beside me holding my hand and kissing the top of my head. All of this because he wanted the second time I saw this movie to be wonderful to make up for the first time I saw it. The very end has a sweet little line to the affect of looking up and seeing a beautiful woman....suddenly, a hand gently caressed my cheek and slowly moved it to face him. He looked at me and told me I was so beautiful and kissed me. That moment, I felt more love than I have ever before. This man did something so simple but meant the absolute world to me. I never could have imagined that my life would look like this today. I didn't feel like I deserved anything, let alone an ounce of love. I told D that was how I felt a year ago. He told me that I was so sweet and wonderful, and deserved all the love in the world. I am absolutely in love with this man. I don't know how it happened, but I would do it a million times over just for him. It's amazing how much can change in just one year. Every tear, every pain, every crappy moment was absolutely worth the end result. I am so happy! Thank you to the man that threw me away so that the man who appreciates me and loves me could appear and sweep me off my feet!

Time flies when you are having fun!

Been a while since I have had the time to write a new post….guess that’s a good thing! Things have been going exceptionally well! It has officially been over a year since my now ex-husband left me. It has been an incredibly rough year, but I wouldn’t have traded it for anything! I learned so much about myself in such a short amount of time and feel like I have really grown as a person. I found strength I didn’t even know I had, realized that I do have the ability to lose weight and make life changes, and achieved things I didn’t know were possible. All of this didn’t come easy, and came with a lot of heartache and regret and made me a little more guarded and jaded but also left some wounds of insecurity and an inability to fully trust. I look back and am so proud at what I have done and all I have accomplished! I also look back and realize just how happy I really am at this point in my life! Life may not have worked out like I had planned, but I am pleasantly surprised in just how wonderful it has become! D was probably one of the biggest and best surprises in my life! I found his sexy little profile pic on my dating site search and got the courage to message him doubting that he would respond, and to my astonishment, he did respond! Our first date was rough, but the little kiss at the end had so much chemistry in it that I just had to have a second date, and I am so happy that we did! Every day that I spend with him gets better and better and I fall more in love with him every day! He isn’t perfect by any means, but he makes me happy and I really see great things in our future! We are coming up on 10 months of being together, but it honestly feels like we have known each other for years! I am constantly amazed by him and my love for him. I didn’t think it was possible to love again, and I have never felt such passion and lust for someone or felt that passion and lust for me. I decided last week to ask D to move in with me….he pretty much does anyway, but this will make it more official! I do find it kind of silly that we were talking about making a child together before we talked about living together! We are so not the norm by any means! Looking forward to having him live with me….I miss him so much when he is gone! And as far as the child thing goes…I am currently testing my ovulation and plan to lose another 20 pounds before we try. I am hoping to talk more about it and see where we are around the first of the year! I feel so blessed and so happy and optimistic about life now! I can’t wait to see what happens for us!

Making plans....

The more I have been thinking about it, the more comfortable I am feeling about the idea of trying to conceive with D. Over the past two months, things have been going really really good for us, and we have grown so much in the last month alone, and as scary as the idea was a while ago, it’s getting less scary and more exciting! I love him a lot, and the things that drove me crazy before have been working themselves out. We have been able to tackle a lot of the big problems, and the ones that are still left, we are working on and will be work on for a while. I keep thinking about what my life would look like if we were to have a child together, and as frustrating and complicated as it would be, it also looks so wonderful and amazing! I truly believe that he would be a good dad, and that he would actually stick around for us. I also believe that within a year, he should have his daughter in his life, which is something he now openly talks about and it pursuing and that makes me happy! I know it isn’t going to be all rainbows and kittens, there will be difficult times, but I still remain optimistic! I am a planner by nature, and I have been planning and making sure that if this is something I am going to pursue, than I want to make sure I am completely on board with it and I have planned for all outcomes. If it comes to it, I will be financially able to take care of a child on my own and still manage all of my bills. But again, I truly feel like he will stick with us and not run out. I have ideas for childcare and how I would raise the child. I feel like I have planned for everything as much as I can, though, if I have learned anything, it is that we can make all the plans in the world, but God has his own set of plans, and they may be completely different. I think I have come close to reaching a decision. For right now, I have ordered some testing supplies to see if I am even ovulating, which will help in determining if I need more medication than I thought. I am also going to pick up the medication that my doctor sent in to help me with my Luteal Phase Defect. I am preparing to start the process, but will not actually start it until I feel like we are both in a great place and have both agreed to this. I don’t anticipate starting it anytime soon, but it’s always nice to have everything you need just in case ;)

Going strong

Yesterday was 8 months that D and I have been dating, and I couldn’t be happier….well, that’s a lie, I COULD be happier, but at the moment, I really am happy! Things seem possible again. I feel like I could truly be happy and have a really great life! It’s crazy how it’s only been 8 months…it has flown by, but at the same time, it feels like I have known him forever! We get along really well, we have tons of fun together, and we really complement each other. Not gonna lie, it hasn’t been the easiest relationship, and we have definitely had our rough times, but we have come out stronger and better because of it. He is really easy to talk to, and when we do argue, we are able to take a step back, admit when we are wrong, and come up with solutions on how to fix it, or at least communicate better. It feels like an actual adult relationship! This relationship feels a lot different than my previous one. It is filled with passion, respect, understanding, honesty and loyalty, and a strong love. I haven’t felt this way before. I feel desired, and I desire him. We laugh, we connect, we listen, and when I am with him in a crowded room, I really feel like we are the only ones there. He stands out like a light in a dark room. He really has been the light in my life, and one of the biggest surprises! I never thought I could love again, nor did I think it was possible that I could be happy. I felt so alone, so discarded and easily replaceable. I saw everything I had dreamed about having slipping further and further away from me. It wasn’t until recently that I felt like it was finding its way back to me. This weekend, we were playing this cute video game Little Big Planet, which is a lot of fun and super cute! There are these little sock creatures that you get to dress up and change their appearance with little things you pick up along the way. We found a zombie bride and groom and changed our sock creatures into them. He made an off handed comment about me being a cute bride and for the first time, I wasn’t terrified and put off by hearing this. I actually pictured him proposing and it actually made me smile. He isn’t the ideal man, but he is perfect for me, and there are definitely things we need to work on before ever reaching that stage in our relationship, but I think I would be very happy if that ever happened! Seems strange that we talked about making a child before the marriage talk ever started. We are absolutely not the traditional couple. But I am done following the rules and sticking with tradition. I am living my life the way I feel is right, and I do deserve happiness, and I will have it. If one comes before the other, I am okay with that. I really do love D, and I could imagine a cute little life with him. Do I feel like this is a bit fast considering it’s only been 8 months? Yes and no. Yes in comparison to traditional relationships. And It is a bit fast in comparison to my last relationship, although, he moved in 6 months into dating, and we had only been dating a year when he proposed. So I guess I move fast by nature. Though I will say that I felt like I couldn’t get any better and sort of settled into that relationship because that was what I wanted. I loved him very much, but absolutely felt like I had reservations and rushed into it. With D, I feel like we are moving at a perfect pace for us and I am incredibly excited to see where this goes and what the future holds for us! For the first time in a long time, I am really optimistic about my future and it’s a great feeling!

Life is full of surprises

This last month has been nothing short of exhausting, but incredibly fun! I went on a mini vacay with my mother to Arizona to pick up some stuff and visit with my family. Anytime I get to spend even just a little bit of time with my Grandma, I take it! The trip was short but I took full advantage and had some fun with my Grandma. I then jetted off to Houston to spend time with my bestie and her new little bundle of joy! I had so much fun! We had some girl time, got to spend a little time talking, which we hadn’t done in a while, and I got to spend time with her adorable little man! There is something that holding a newborn baby does to your soul…it’s quite amazing! I absolutely cannot wait until the day I get to hold my little miracle! That trip made my summer! Upon returning, I was then swept away for a cute little romantic getaway to Pueblo. Okay, so normally Pueblo and romantic do not go together, but it actually took me by surprise and turned out that way. We got a nice room at a hotel, had a great dinner, and then went to the drive-in. I had never been to a drive-in before, and it was really cool and a ton of fun! The next morning, we had breakfast and went swimming, and made our way to the Pueblo Riverwalk and had a nice walk alongside of it. It truly was one of the best days! I am discovering that I have quite a bit of those with D. Just when I think things can’t get any better, I am pleasantly surprised that it does! I must fully admit that I have fallen head over heels for this man! He really does make me so incredibly happy! There are things that still drive me crazy about the boy, but the good far outweigh the bad! I have never experienced a relationship so filled with passion, romance, respect, adoration, and understanding. Nearly everything we do together turns out pretty amazing! We decided that we are going to do mini staycations throughout Colorado either every month or every other month. They are inexpensive, fun, and give us little mini adventures! I am really enjoying this part in our relationship. We are getting to know each other on a deeper level, experiencing things together and building memories, and really just enjoying being around one another! We talked a bit more about children, the fact that I desperately want one, and how he wants a stable family. We both decided to take some time to have a few more adventures, become more stable as a couple and really figure out who we are, and then we would revisit it in a few more months. It is so strange that someone I haven’t even known a year has come into my life and made me feel so comfortable, almost like we have known each other our whole lives. Everything just feels so right with him! I am so happy with how things turned out. I still have my down moments, and still find it hard to believe that everything happened the way it did, but if that is what I had to go through to become the person I am today and to be where I am at today, I am okay with it all! At this point, I am just looking forward to my future and cannot wait to see what it holds!

Redemption

This weekend was probably one of the best weekends I have ever had! D and I were able to talk and get through our rough time on Thursday and we decided to get away for the weekend. We headed up to Denver for a weekend to celebrate us, get away from everything and everyone and just unwind! We left Saturday morning and made a pit stop at the outlet mall in Castle Rock. Found some amazing deals and really had fun just shopping and strolling arm in arm with him. By the time we left, we made it to our hotel in the early evening. We picked a pretty great hotel....it was cheaper than most but was actually quite perfect. We had a room that had a little living room in it and made it look like a little studio apartment. The best part was this beautiful lake right next to the hotel! We have this affinity for lakes which I love, and it really helped in the decision making process on where to stay. Once we got into the room, we were trying to decide on what to do, and he left something in the car that would help us decide, so he went down to get it. During that time, I decided to pull out my surprise now...I bought myself lingerie, which I have NEVER done before. I really feel comfortable around him and wanted to do something out of the ordinary and wanted to feel sexy, which I have also never done before. The look on his face was absolutely worth every bit of money spent on it. I have never felt more desired in my life. It was extraordinary! I just melted! We decided that the theme for the night should be just that, doing things outside of our norm and really just enjoying each other's company. We headed toward downtown Denver and our first stop was the Cheesecake Factory for a really nice and romantic dinner. We had this cute little secluded booth that was so perfect. With full bellies, we left the restaurant and headed out on 16th Street Mall. We heard something like a concert going on and as we approached, we discovered it was a huge movie screen set up in this park in the middle of downtown and it was showing E.T. We were over the moon excited that we actually get to participate in this cute little event! It was amazing to cuddle together in the grass as a nice breeze blew across us, watching E.T. and getting to enjoy the beautiful cityscape as a backdrop! The movie ended and we continued on our way down the mall, this time ending up at Starbucks for some late night coffee. As we were leaving, the guy behind the counter smiled at us admiring how in love we looked and offered us some dessert on him! We spent the rest of our time taking in the scenery and stopping to listen to a jazz band on the balcony of a shop. We stopped at a liquor store on the strip and got a bottle of wine and spent the rest of our night next to the lake talking, cuddling and making love. It was the most romantic and wonderful night! I couldn't have asked for anything better! That weekend was exactly what we needed, and brought us closer. I can honestly say that I am totally in love with this man! It has taken me by complete surprise, but I couldn't be happier!

Here we go again...

I needed to vent today….not sure where to start! Things with D were going well…we have had such an amazing time getting to know each other and build on our relationship, and really getting to connect. It was incredible, and I feel more for him every day. And then I went on vacation. I went to visit my family and he stayed at the house to pet/house it. I was gone for 5 days, and I really missed him each and every day. On our way back, as we were getting closer and closer, I was getting anxious and excited to throw my arms around him and cover him in kisses. And as soon as I got to the house, that is what happened, and it was short lived. Within an hour, he started talking about a video game he wanted to finish, and I was crushed. Here I am, gone for 5 days and back for an hour, and he wants to play a game! I gave attitude and showed that I was devastated. We ended up working through it fairly quickly. Throughout the night and into the next few days, there was a myriad of problems that kept us at each other’s throats. Last night’s fight was the one that hit rock bottom. We argued and said some pretty mean things and left both of us questioning this relationship. We cooled down enough to say goodnight. This morning, D’s alarm went off and woke me up from an awful dream in which he basically ditched me and an event to reconnect with an ex-girlfriend. He ended up telling me he didn’t love me and that he wanted to be with her. It jumped ahead to a year later and I was doing a play. At the end of the performance, I looked in the audience and saw the ex-girlfriend but no D, so I shot her a dirty look. She motioned to the other side of the room where he was as he made his way back to his seat. As he sat down, he linked arms with her and his 2 kids and one they had together joined them. It was devastating and heartbreaking. I woke up feeling incredibly sad. I ran downstairs to tell him, hoping he would cheer me up. When I told him about the dream, he just said it was interesting. When I asked him if he still wanted this relationship, he said he wasn’t sure. It really crushed me. I have really fallen for this guy, and I was starting to see us having a future together, and he is now unsure. I have just been in a funk all day over it. Thinking about it ending tears me up, but I know that if I can get through a divorce, I can get through anything! I hope that we can work out our issues and make this work, I really do. Just frustrates me that he can so casually talk about it like that. Really makes me wonder what it is about me that makes it so easy for men to hurt me or leave me! I just want to be happy! I want to know that someday, I will have a great life and will be as close to happy as I can get. Give me a man who is loyal, honest, kind, compassionate, and loving and a child and I am a happy camper. It just seems like a nearly impossible task to have any of it. I thought I was on the track to being happy, to having everything that mattered, and it was ripped away. I hate starting over. I just want to know that I am making the right choices in my life. I get so confused sometimes, that I really wonder if I even know what I truly want. The other thing making this frustrating is my mother living with me. I appreciate all she does, but I am so tired of the lack of privacy and feeling like I am a teenager playing pretend. I can’t please everyone, and at this point, I just want to please myself! I really need to start giving it to God again…he did far better with these things than I am, and I need help! I need to feel like myself again, get my life figured out, and hope and pray it works out for the best! I can’t wait to go see my bestie in a week….it will take my mind off everything and give us a bit more time and space to figure things out!

Standing my guard

I have always had this finite sense of justice, it’s pretty much been with me since I could remember. If I felt like something was not right or fair, you were going to hear about it and I was going to make it right. As a child, you don’t have a lot of say in things, and what you thought was fair may not be so in the eyes of a parent, or to everyone else for that matter! That is why as a child, I could not wait to grow up. I just knew that everything was going to be fair and as it should be. I was convinced that I could live off of a $600 a month budget surviving off of Cheetos and apple juice, and the occasional splurge of cookie dough! I envisioned this wonderful life complete with the perfect man and an adult career all balanced out with 6 children! In my world, everyone was treated with respect and no one cheated to get ahead. Love was love and there was nothing that could break that. As I got older, I realized that I have just as much power to make things fair as I did when I was a child. I am merely a piece in this game of life and I have to go along with things no matter how unfair or unjust as they may seem. I am still bound and determined to have certain things my way, but it’s not really working out so far!

One of the most unfair things which also happens to be the one where I have the least amount of control is in a relationship. I know this phrase is a little off putting to some. Why would someone want to have control? Come on! If you don’t think you are controlling in a relationship, you are a lying fool! Everyone wants to have a little bit of control! It’s the person you are that determines how much! I have come to find out that I can be quite a bit controlling! I am trying desperately to rein this in. It’s just like cleaning, I know that no one will clean it as good as I do, so why not take over the project. I think this is where most of it comes from. I feel like I have infinite knowledge on relationships and life in general, so why shouldn’t I just take over? Hahaha, yeah, now I’m the fool! But I like to pretend this is true! I think that having control in a relationship over certain things is a good thing. Where you have weaknesses, it’s better for someone with those strengths to jump in and take over, therefore, controlling that part of the relationship. This control really took over when my ex-husband cheated and left me. Everything that I thought I knew went up in smoke. I was hurt beyond measure and the worst part was that I was so vulnerable and completely blindsided! I swore to myself that it would never happen again. I would always be guarded and aware of what was going on. This statement itself is absurdly crazy! It is unfair to let something that happened in a previous relationship affect a new relationship. But, this is how it’s been so far. I am trying to let what happened go and open myself up and not be so guarded, but it is just too hard. I fear everything and my insecurities consume me. I find it nearly impossible to trust.

I know the values in a relationship that I hold high, and I know the expectations that I put on a relationship, and they are very simple but are very necessary. I want someone who is loyal, honest, trustworthy, kind, and someone who can communicate, show patience and understanding, and who accepts me and loves me for me. I don’t feel it’s too demanding, nor is it too much to ask. Then there are the things that are just common sense and don’t need to be talked about. It seems that those things come up and bite me in the ass constantly! Boundaries is one of them! If you are in a committed relationship, it should be common sense not to give your number out to a woman without communication to the partner. If she is truly a friend, then it needs to be presented in that way. Communicating that you have this friend that you want to give your number to so you can shit talk about work, or what have you, is better than saying nothing at all and giving it away without regard to that partner. A friendship shouldn’t be hidden. Messages should be able to be read in front of others as well as phone conversations. The minute you lie or hide anything about that person, it turns nothing into something. You have now crossed a boundary that you should have never been near! I don’t know why this is a hard concept to grasp or why I keep coming into contact with this scenario! Am I being completely unreasonable? I just don’t get it. But I will not be the fool that excuses this behavior. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me! I will not go through what I just went through again! I won’t be as guarded in this relationship, but I am a hell of a lot smarter this time around and not nearly as gullible or naive. I don’t need that kind of disrespect or dishonesty in my life, and that is my sense of justice! You want to act like that, take a hike, you are not for me!

Let the good times roll!

Yesterday, D and I celebrated being together for 6 months with dinner at The Elephant Bar and going to see Pacific Rim in IMAX 3D….not exactly the romantic night in Denver that we planned, but that was put off for a couple of weeks. We ended up having a wonderful night! It’s crazy to think about the fact that we have been dating for 6 months! It feels so short yet feels like I have known him for years! We get along so well it’s ridiculous! This is the happiest I have been in a very long time! It was such a wonderful feeling yesterday to sit a reflect on the past 6 months and how drastically my life has changed. I was a broken woman who felt nearly worthless and really had no hope that anyone would take interest. Here I am, 6 months later, feeling more love, passion, romance, and confidence then I could have imagined. Things aren’t perfect, and we are far from perfect, but who is perfect?! I am having so much fun with him and the big things that really bothered me are working themselves out, and that makes me care less and less about the little things. I really wondered if I was in this relationship for the right reasons, or did I just go with the first person that showed me attention. And the absolute honest answer is both. I went on a few dates with him because he was the only one out of the group of guys on the site that was worth anything and showed me attention. But he turned out to be one of the biggest and best surprises of my life! I never imagined that I could have felt this way about him! I am really excited to see where this goes….I really have hopes for us! Things seem to be working out, so I am going to roll with it and hope that the good keeps on coming!

I can see clearly now....

It has certainly been a while since I had an update. Things have been going wonderfully well! Last Friday, I had the closing on my house, so I am officially the sole owner of my home! It is such a great feeling....very liberated, very peaceful, very grateful! When everything happened, I felt like my world was turned upside down and I was losing everything...I could feel it slipping away from me. To be in this moment, nearly 10 months since it happened, I still can't believe that this is my life, but more importantly, I can't believe that I actually got to keep something I worked my ass off for! It was very gratifying! For the most part, I am getting over what happened, getting over him, and breaking through my emotions. I definitely still have moments where it's difficult, but I am allowing those to happen, it's a process and it will take time, but I am proud of where I am and what I have overcome. Yesterday, my friend who started work where I work took me out to lunch and we discussed a dinner that she had just had with my ex-husband. Curious, I asked how he and the mistress acted toward each other. She said that they shared inside jokes but didn't hold hand, there was no touching, and she said that he didn't compliment her the way he would me! That right there helped me out tremendously. I got that...I got the hand holding, the touching, the compliments, the look of love...I got it all! They act more like friends then lovers! It was gratifying to know that I got the best years of him and she gets this! He is such a different person than he was when we were married, and she gets this broken down mess of a person, who for the most part, settled for fear of being alone! Meanwhile, I get to spend my time with a man who truly loves me. What I have with D has been by far more passionate, more intense, and immensely more happy then it has with my ex-husband! It is so strange! I have only been dating D for 6 months but it feels like I have known him my whole life. It's been insane how fast things have progressed, but I wouldn't have changed it for the world! Every day, I fall more in love with him. The things that worried me before have been working themselves out and I have been taking time discover our relationship and have been making a solid effort to not make the same mistakes that my ex and I made. I will not take him for granted, I will pick my battles, I will respect his wishes, I will always be there for love and support...but I will not be walked over, I will make my wishes and wants known, I won't be taken advantage of, I will not have him move in with me until he proves he can handle financial responsibilities, and I will not be disrespected! I really love the place I am in right now, and although it may be difficult, I am having a blast getting to know myself and building this fantastic relationship! I finally feel like things are looking up and this season of pain and despair is nearly over!

On the road to recovery

I started reading a book that was suggested to me and lent to me by D’s roommate. It’s called Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk. I am only a quarter of the way through it, but after I read a passage from it, it completely changed my perspective on things. A short synopsis on the book so far….a woman who was a model was in a car accident where someone shot through her window and the bullet mangled her face which included removing her jaw. She spent a lot of time in the hospital recovering, but in one fell swoop, she lost her identity, her career, her fiancé, her voice, her beauty, her friends, and ultimately, the life she knew. She gets out of the hospital and upon her first outing, a child calls her a monster…this spurs her breakdown where she ends up back at the hospital and into the room of a woman recovering. She scribbles everything she lost and is mourning over on a pad of paper. The woman reads it and tells her to write it down all night, tell her the story repetitively until she realizes that it is no longer happening to her, it’s done and over with, and when she realizes that and throws the paper away, she can put it in her past and begin to rebuild her life. That really hit home with me! In one fell swoop, I lost my husband, my security, my confidence and self-esteem, my love, my best friend, my future, my marriage, and ultimately, the life I knew. I keep reliving it over and over. I dwell on what has happened and what I have lost. I still mourn and cry over it. I have to stop. I have to realize that it’s over. No amount of ‘what if’s’ or replaying it over and over is going to change anything. It happened, but it’s done. It was awful and unimaginable, but it’s over. It’s time to crumple that paper up and throw it away. I am rebuilding my life and I don’t need this thing holding me back! I feel liberated for the first time!

Oh the possibilities

Sitting at work feeling antsy… could be because I have had a 3-day weekend back to back the last 2 weeks and now I am feeling like this work week is going soooo slow and it’s only Tuesday! Memorial day weekend was amazing! D and I took advantage of my friends empty house in Manitou and it was beyond wonderful! It was nice to just be with each other in complete privacy, have no schedule and just be able to enjoy our company. We arrived at the house in the early afternoon and celebrated with a glass of wine and some fun! We ended up napping for a few hours and awaking to more fun and then a tour of Manitou. We walked around, shopped, played in the arcade, talked next to the little stream and enjoyed the weather. We had a nice romantic dinner, wandered back to the house for more wine and conversation. It had to have been one of the best days I have ever had. At this point, it was safe to say that I have fallen in love with this boy. It was wonderful to have a day filled with such passion, a day where we could just talk and get to know each other better, a day about just us. The best part was that there was no arguing. I had never had a romantic getaway where there was no arguing. With my ex, we argued constantly. We even argued on our honeymoon. I loved how carefree we were and how into each other we were. It was simply amazing! We finished out the weekend by spending time with D’s family and getting to know them which was pretty cool. There are a bunch of crazy connections with his family, it’s so strange. I went to middle school with one of his sisters and the other sister has a child with a guy I went to middle school and high school with. His family is definitely interesting but sweet none the less. I had fun getting to know them and seeing D around the kids.

This last weekend was pretty great as well, but not without its challenges. I had Friday off, so we planned to spend the day together just like last weekend and take advantage of the empty house and enjoy the last weekend before D started his new job. A conversation that we had earlier in the week got brought up. Last week, D and I were laying in bed and were talking about things we want. He looked at me and said that he didn’t realize how badly I wanted children until he saw me starring at some pregnant women at an event we went to last weekend. He asked me what my timeline would be. I told him that I would like to have my first child before I turned 30, so ideally, it would be pretty soon. He then asked me what my reaction would be if I found out I was pregnant right now. I told him that I would be scared but for the most part I would be ecstatic. He said he would feel the exact same. So he posed the hypothetical ‘what if we were to stop the protection and just see what happens’ question. I was stunned and speechless. I told him I would have to give it thought. Fast forward to Friday….I told him that I thought about what he said and that before I could comfortably do something like that, I would want to know that he could have a relationship with his children. I have been trying to get him to reconnect with his 5 year old daughter since we started dating, and it really bothers me that he doesn’t have that relationship. I can’t begin to understand what happened between him and the mom to want to separate himself especially since it obviously kills him to do it, but I told him that he should fight with all he has to be in her life. We had a long talk about it that resulted in a huge argument but ultimately got us to really understand each other and him to take charge and take the appropriate steps to get back into her life. I was really proud of him and it really made me see him in a different light. It also made me really consider his offer. I was going to go the route of a donor in about 6-8 months, so why not entertain the possibility of D. I am still considering it, but will need to see improvement before I actually decide. Ultimately, I know that if I am blessed with a child by whatever means that it happens, that child will have more love in its life than it could ever know. I would do anything to have a child and I will do anything for that child. At this point in my life, I am ready for my life to continue and I want these things to happen. I am nearly a solo homeowner, I have a great job, and I am going to work like hell to have a family. Screw the traditional family, tried it and it didn’t work! I just want to be happy! I really feel in my heart that I could be happy, truly happy soon. I really love D and could see us being a quirky family some day. But really, who knows, I thought things were all figured out in my life and that didn’t turn out like I thought. All I can do is live in the moment and plan as best I can for the future and pray it all works out the way it is supposed to!

Sending out bad karma

I experienced a new level of pain yesterday as I learned that my soon to be ex-husband is going to be moving into a condo in the next month with the woman he cheated on me with. I know that it is over between us, but I want him to live a miserable and shitty life feeling just half of the pain that he has caused me. I don’t want him to live with her and those kids. It absolutely disgusts me! I really shouldn't feel this way since I am pretty much sending out bad karma, but I don't give a fuck! What’s worse is that he insists on taking our dog just because he can, which wouldn’t bother me, if he was going to do what he said and have a back yard for the dog. We have a lab/great dane mix and he wants to take him from a big backyard to a small condo where there is no place for him to run or somewhere he can be outside! He is so unbelievable selfish! I guess I should have expected this kind of behavior from him. He is so childish and relies on others. There is no way he could live alone. He doesn’t know how to be independent and craves attention too much! Hearing that news took me by surprise and made me feel ill, but all in all, I guess I am glad it worked out like it did! Maybe living together with this vile woman and the kids will kill his romantic/family fantasy! One can only hope! Beyond that, things are going good. I am gearing up for Memorial Day weekend and excited to spend the day in Manitou with D! Not only do I have Monday off, but I also took next Friday off! So stoked! Hopefully I can get all of my house stuff in order and catch up on some Mad Men and enjoy this wonderful weather! I hope everyone has a fantastic holiday weekend!

Looking up

Went back and reread my previous entry and realize how very emo that post was. I have to remind myself that I am allowed those day and not to get embarrassed by them. This week, things are going really well, and I have a much better attitude then I did. I am getting ready for my 10 year high school reunion. At first I was a little apprehensive about going because I feel that in the last 10 years, I really have nothing to show for it except for a house. My marriage failed, I weigh the same, and I have no children. But then I realized just how much I have changed as a person, and that is almost more impressive to me than a successful marriage. I am strong, independent, friendly, outgoing, personable, charming, witty, funny, and I know who I am in my life. I know the things I want, and I will get them one day. I will not apologize for anything that I am not nor the things that I do not have. Life dealt me some shitty cards, but I have become a better person for them. So I am going to rock it at the reunion!

The divorce process is coming to an end. I went in to sign the agreement for who gets what, and am pretty happy with the results of that. I got to keep the house along with 90% of the furnishings inside. I am so appreciative that I got to keep the house. It isn't anything extraordinary, but I am so proud to be a homeowner and do improvements on something that is all mine! I am a very lucky lady! With that comes the fact that I will now be poor, or house poor as they say, but I welcome that! My mom is still living with my for the time being to help with bills until I can get a bit more stable, but also while she gets stronger and healthier. I very much look forward to the day when I live on my own, I will officially feel like an adult!

Relationship with D got a little rocky there for a while....I was in my head again and trying to sort some things out and that inadvertently pushed some issues to the surface and pushed us apart just a little. I took some time this week to really think about things and came to the conclusion that I over think things! I need to stop over analyzing everything he and I do, stop worrying that he will cheat on me or hurt me, and just have fun! That is what I really got into dating for anyway! Now that he has a job that he will be starting in a few weeks, I think things are going to work themselves out. For now, I am just going to relish in the fact that I have a man who adores me, thinks I am sexy, treats me like a queen in the bedroom, and is an all around fun and remarkable person. I am lucky for that and just have to keep reminding myself that things will work out the way they are supposed to. I am excited for next weekend....my friend is leaving for vacation and offered up her house for the weekend. She lives in Manitou and D absolutely loves it there, so I am sure it will be a really fun weekend! At the very least, it will be nice to have complete privacy! I think things are finally looking up!   

Down and out

I swear I am on the longest rollercoaster of my life! My emotions go up and down more than an elevator, it's ridiculous! Yesterday was probably the worst I have felt in a while. My mom has been having a lot of health issues lately, and that has me really bothered and upset, but at least she is getting help she needs and been knocking out a lot of checkups that she has neglected over the years. I have been really worried about her but I know she is strong and a fighter, and she will get through anything. Yesterday was her cardio appointment and we got really good news that no pacemaker is needed but she does have to do further testing. So we are waiting for results from that, hopefully it will be good as well. All we can do is keep moving forward with the checkups and praying everything works out!

 The rest of my mood comes from relationships in my life. Sunday would have been my 6th Anniversary of our big ceremony. As it is approaching, it is getting really hard to deal with. We had 2 anniversaries because we got married twice (one small and one big ceremony) that were 6 months apart. The one in November was hard but I still had it in my head that we would get back together, so it wasn't as hard to deal with as this one. I know it's over, but it is so hard to think about everything that has happened and all of the 'what could have been' thoughts. I laid awake last night thinking about what our life would have been like today if none of this stuff happened. I imagine us doing extremely well financially, fixing our house up really cute and even possibly getting the front lawn done and adding in AC as he would have got the higher paying job as he did. I imagine that by now we would have gotten pregnant and been planning a wonderful anniversary/mother's day getaway to celebrate everything in our life. I imagine our happiness shining through every crappy situation that would have been thrown our way and I picture these perfect little moments where we talk endlessly about what our child will look like and all of the things we will be looking forward to. I think about holding hands, cuddling, kissing, and loving up on my husband and feeling that safe and secure feeling I once felt. All of these thought running through my head that will never happen. All of these dreams shattered and laying in an empty place in my heart. I still feel broken, alone, and defeated! When will these feelings go away? When will I stop thinking about everything like that? I can't take it! It is too much sometimes.

 At this point in my life, I feel like such a failure. I couldn't make a marriage work, I am in a relationship that I'm not even sure I should be in, and I am nowhere near a place in my life where it seems like children will be an option. I just want to be happy. I want to experience all of the joys in life that I am missing out on! I am so tired of seeing everyone's pregnancy announcement and feeling that pang of disappointment and longing! It is devastating knowing that I am so far from that! I hate it! I want normalcy but I don't want to wait for it! And I especially hate that this went from a blog of frustration and determination to one filled with rantings of a jaded and heart broken woman! I hope to return to the strong woman I know I am and get out of this funk!

Irrationality

As I am entering this whole new phase in my life in which I am starting a new relationship...I realize just how ridiculous I can act in a new relationship, especially with how my last one turned out. The other night, D was at home, and I was at my home. We had been communicating through messages for the past few days. Yesterday, I didn't really hear from him very much. I was working and I figured he was hanging with friends and getting things together for his new job (YAY) so I didn't put too much into it. Later that night, I sent him a message that was short and simple, but left it open ended hoping I would hear from him. An hour or so passed, I logged back on to Facebook (Our means of communication) and saw that he read it but he didn't respond. I sent another little message and waiting. It was read but I was still left with no response. I began to get irritated. I finally said screw it and I sent him a message letting him know that even though he was ignoring me, I still wanted him to have a good night and I would talk to him in the morning. I immediately got a response. He said that he didn't mean to come off like he was ignoring me and he asked how my night was. I let him know that it was going well and that I really missed him. I then asked him how his night was. After 10 minutes of no response, I asked him if he was okay or if I did anything wrong. He said that I was being silly and made a cute little remark. I asked him again how his night was....no response. I felt a sick feeling in my stomach and my head jumped to the worst possible scenario. Why else would he not share how is night was? It was like he was avoiding the question. I became panicky and irritated. I told him goodnight, and shortly after that, he responded with how his night was. It was at that moment that I realized how ridiculous I had become and how jaded I am. I immediately assume that he is cheating. How freaking lame! Will I always think this way? Will I always assume the worst even though he hasn't given me a reason to? Will I ever trust another man again? Even just asking myself these questions made me depressed! Just another fucking thing he did to me! Will his curse ever end?! Next Sunday is my 6th anniversary, and even though I am thrilled to be with D, I am still very sad and slightly angry that he did these things to me! He was the one man I trusted more than anyone in the world and I just knew with everything I had that he would never hurt me or cheat on me! Shows you how blind love is and taught me to not take anything for granted....nothing is a for sure thing. I guess this will just be another thing that will take time to heal. I just feel awful that D has to suffer my absurd behavior all because my ex did what he did to me. I am very lucky that D is as understanding and as patient as he is! I really like this man a whole lot and I pray for his continued patience.

Living life and loving it

Feeling incredibly antsy at work so I thought I would take a break and do an update. Things have been going pretty well lately! Dealing with the ex-husband hasn’t been too awful, there are definitely moments where I am so thankful that it’s over; those moments usually being the ones where he is incredibly immature or just plain rude and hurtful. But as far as the divorce proceedings and the progress, we have been moving right along. It took a good few months of begging and pleading, but he finally agreed to sign the house over to me, so I will be focusing on that for a while. I qualify to carry the loan on my own but found out last week that I will have to come up with the appraisal fee of $500. That news shocked and devastated me. Since he left me with all of the bills, any savings I once had has since been depleted and I have nothing extra. My saving grace was the fact that since we get paid every other Friday, there are two times a year where we get three checks, and May happens to be that month. It really worked out perfectly! As far as the division of property, we seem to be pretty amicable about it all, the only thing I am having a hard time with is parting with our dog Zero. I love that pup so much, he has been such a great companion through this all and it sucks that I have to lose him, but I agreed to it in order to keep the house. At this point in time, I am okay with how everything is going on that front, and cannot wait until it is all over. This has been the worst experience of my life, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Things with D have been going remarkably well! I have used the L word, which in itself is a miracle because I never thought I could have those feelings again. We get along really well and I love the time we spend together. He is such a joy to be around and really brightens up my days. It is strange how fast this has all gone and even more strange when I think about the short amount of time it’s been that we have been together. I never would have thought in a million years that I would be with anyone so soon after, or that I would have such strong feelings for him.  I sometimes reflect and think about how silly it is and start to question myself and my intentions…am I doing this for the right reasons? Do I really have feelings for him or is he filling a void? Do I see long-term things for us? And the answers always amaze me….I really do have strong feelings for him, while it may fill a void, that is not the purpose for being with him, and I really can see things progressing and going long-term. There are a few things that drive me crazy, but there are far more things I love about him and they outweigh the bad by a ton! Very excited to see where this goes and am having an incredible amount of fun while doing so!

The only thing I still struggle with is the baby thing….my desire is there and stronger than ever to be a mom. I constantly think about it, dream about it, and spend most of my time googling things about it. My biggest fear is never know what it will be like to see that test come up positive, to never experience pregnancy or delivery, to never hold and look into the eyes of something I created, or to never know the purest form of love between a mother and her child. I have always known I was going to be a mother…but as time flies by, I really start to question whether or not that will be true. I pray every day that one way or another, I will be a mother, and I know God knows the desire in my heart….I just have to have faith that it will happen! But for now, my insatiable need is slowly taking over my life and I am allowing it! J I am taking it day by day and just living my life the way I want to, and having a blast while doing so!

 

Greater things are ahead

Through all of my depressed moments, there has been one thing that constantly pulls me out, and that is my desire and passion to be a mother. That is why my decision was so easy....by November, I am going to start the insemination process using a donor! I made the decision because I am tired of waiting! I thought about this month's ago, but threw the idea out because I thought about what a selfish decision I would be making. I would be bringing a child into the world without a father and that alone would make them miss out on so much. So I kind of buried the idea and let it go until I had an amazing conversation with one of my best friends. I told her my idea and how silly I thought it was but she didn’t think so. She asked me why I felt like they would be missing out and I explained the disappointment I had with my father basically abandoning me and not caring enough to be in the picture. She asked me if there was anything besides abandonment that I felt or if I has specifically missed out on anything. I sat there reflecting and I couldn’t think of anything. My mother had been both mom and dad to me, and I had so much love, laughter, good times, encouragement, and compassion that it felt like 2 people. She helped me realize that even though I would be doing this without a man; there wouldn’t be that feeling of abandonment because there would never be a man in the picture. The child would always know where they came from and there would be more love than they would know what to do with. There were upsides to this as well….the child would be solely mine, I wouldn’t have to deal with custody drama, and if somewhere down the line I have a stable and loving relationship, that man could always adopt that child. I became instantly excited and equally obsessed. I have had mixed reactions from this, but I think all in all everyone would love and support me and the child. I know for a fact that I have an amazing support system and that helps solidify my decision even more! So for the time being, I am going to continue weight loss, and prepare my body and bank account for the upcoming procedure! I cannot wait!

If Only...

It has been a little rough the past few days….It is so hard to think about my future without feeling overwhelmed, lost, confused, and just plain hopeless. I do have a lot going for me, but for the things that really matter to me, I am getting further and further away from that goal. I want children more than anything in the entire world, and I am really starting to get scared that it may never happen. I will be approaching 30 in a year and a half, and I have yet to even be pregnant. Not only do I have to worry about finding that man I love, marrying him, and hoping he wants a family as soon as I do…but now I am in a race with my declining egg supply and peak fertility. This thought terrifies me more than anything. I am almost tempted to just say fuck it, throw caution to the wind and see if Mr. D’s swimmers are as good as he says. I know that is a completely selfish and irresponsible thought, but at this point in my life, I am so tired of following the rules and doing things the ‘normal’ way. What has it done for me thus far?! I mean, just a few months ago I was thinking about sperm donation…why not pocket that money and take what is in front of me. He is a great guy with a good heart and makes some pretty adorable children. It’s that whole baby brain thing….once you have it, it is near impossible to think logically or clearly when the end result is a child that is wanted so desperately.

 Lately, I have been clouded with thoughts of my past. I get these clear images of moments in time that seem so real that I feel like I have slipped into a time machine and am reliving them. Last night I kept going back to the moment we stepped into our home for the first time at the open house. I had a crappy attitude about the location and was less than enthused to see the house, but as soon as I walked in, I was transformed. It was beautiful and simple, yet was everything I was looking for. The moment I knew it was going to be our home was when I walked into the kitchen and saw my husband with his eyes lit up and a huge smile spread across his face as he was fixated on the tree house in the back yard. I had an image flash across my mind which showed a glimpse into the future I longed for….him and the children playing outside and in the tree house as I made breakfast and watched blissfully from the kitchen window. I can still feel the immense happiness and hopefulness that filled my body. I couldn’t wait to snatch this up and create our little bit of heaven. I just knew this was the start of our dreams turning into reality. If I had only known…

 I think of things that could have been, that should have been and can’t help and feel deeply saddened….I almost had it all. It almost seems like such a cruel joke to dangle everything I have ever wanted within my reach and snatch it away almost instantaneously. One fell swoop and everything was gone. I know there is a chance I could still have it all, but things will never be the same. I will never feel the way that I did that day. But on the other hand, I guess I will now view things differently and not take anything for granted. I just assumed that life was that good, that I could have everything I have ever wanted just like that. I wish I could go back to that time, even for just one day. I would hold my husband tightly, cover him in kisses, tell him endlessly how much I love and cherish him, and take in every feeling, every smile, every word and be infinitely happy…even for just one day. I wish I had known how close I was to losing everything, because maybe things would have been different.

Neverending pursuit to happiness

Today was one of the hardest days I have had in a while. My first court date for the divorce was today, something I was not looking forward to. Up until Saturday, we had been getting along pretty well and have been able to be around each other without any fights, it was actually quite pleasant…but we got a little snippy with each other and that lead to both of us saying hurtful things and leaving our newly built odd relationship in shambles. That made my upcoming court date something I was dreading. I had a dream last night that we ran into each other in a hotel in Vegas and ended up hooking up and talking things out and decided to give it another shot. Waking up to the devastation that it was just a dream should have been my first clue to how the day would go. I got to the courthouse and as I entered the room, I saw him sitting at the table. I sat across from him, not saying a word and only made eye contact once. About 15 minutes into it, I began to think about things and became emotional. As tears filled my eyes, I could feel him looking at me, and when I decided to look up, he covered his eyes with his hands. I wanted so badly to say something but didn’t know what. I finally got the courage to approach him and ask him if this is still what he wants…his reply was ‘yes’ and ‘we are both happy, so why not?’. I replied that I was not happy and would give anything for another chance to which he replied ‘no thanks’…I was crushed! I tried my best to not let my hurt show but it was near impossible. We went into the room with the court official and got a briefing of upcoming dates. As I sat there trying hard to focus on this guys words and not the tears welling up in my eyes, I failed, and they were streaming down my face. 15 minutes later, we were on our way. As soon as I left the room, I lost it. I cried all the way down the hall into the restroom. I composed myself as best I could and made it out to my car. It was absolutely awful! I love this man so much more than he deserves, and really, it’s my own fault that I got hurt today, I should have known how cold he would be. This really is the beginning of the end, and I have to accept that. I only really have to deal with him a few more times until this is over, and it will be hard, but I have to stop hoping that things will change, that he will change, and that this can be fixed. It needs to be over. Truly over!

 

I just feel so lost in life. I have a great job and wonderful friends and family, but there are things that keep pulling me down. I am now the only person in the house with a job again, and it sucks! Before, I had a savings that we were living off of, and now, there is nothing. I am really scared and don’t know what to do. Not only that, but I am not getting any closer to having a child and I really do fear that it will never happen. It would totally be karma that as much as I have thrown the fact that my ex couldn’t have kids in his face, that I will be the childless one. My ten year reunion is coming up next month and what do I have to show for my life…no children, and a failed marriage. I am a failure! I just want life to be good again. I don’t mind struggles, but this is ridiculous! I don’t ask for much in life, I live simply and expect nothing…I just want more than anything to become a mother but I can’t seem to make that happen. I just want to run away for a while….run from my bills, my relationships, my problems, and focus on me. I want to be happy again! Since that is not in my immediate future, I will resort to a bottle or bottles of wine! Here’s hoping that it takes me out of this funk!

Good ole' clairty

This weekend gave me a ton of clarity for which I am thankful for! Friday night I was still feeling so confused and frustrated by decided that as soon as I left work it was out of my head and I would enjoy my weekend with D. Things were going good and we were having a lot of fun! Friday night was movie night…we saw OZ and Admissions, both of which were great…and Saturday was spent indoors courtesy of the snow where we snuggled and watched It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Every now and then I had thoughts of my husband pop into my head but I quickly dismissed them. Sunday morning, we got up and were hanging out downstairs before going to our food event that I got tickets for. I was texting a friend about her upcoming vacation and really began to wonder how her and her fiancés dinner with my husband went. I asked her and she replied that it went great and that he brought the girl he left me for along. She said that she was nice and they seemed happy together. It hit me like a ton of bricks! I felt sick to my stomach and could feel the tears building up nearly ready to explode out of my eyes. I excused myself out of the room and opened the flood gates. After talking to my friend about everything that went on between us and our conversations, I realized just how much of a disgusting human being he was and how this was actually a good thing. I have my answer and am now finally ready to move on. It truly is over. He told me a lot of good things I wanted to hear, but I was the fool for believing them and put way too much thought and value on his words. I need to take them for what they are. He is and will always be selfish. Now that the feelings were out of the way, I really began to think about my relationship with D and evaluate where I was, where he was, and if there could be a future with us. There were 3 things that drove me crazy about this boy, and I wondered if those things would ever change. The first being his job situation followed by the car situation…both of which were previously discussed and he is taking the initiative to fix them. The last thing has got to be my biggest complaint which is the situation with his children. He has 3 children. A boy who is 12, a girl who is 5, and another boy who is 3. The 12 year old is an understandable situation…the mom is crazy and ran off with a man double her age and she passes the son off as that guys never telling him any different. So I understand the reason he doesn’t have a relationship with that one. The other 2 are different stories. Both of the moms he has problems with and says it was too much drama and hassle to go through. I have a huge problem with that because I know what being on the other end of that is like. I wish my father had put effort into a relationship…I wish that I could have been worth that hassle. Those children have done nothing wrong and yet they are left without a father to care for them. It broke my heart and really made me see D in a whole different unflattering light. So last night I was feeling pretty ballsy and confronted him on it. An hour of arguing and explaining both sides, I was done. It was obvious that he wasn’t going to change his mind. As I laid there, I realized that I would have to decide if this is the kind of person I want to be with, not only that, but I also had to wonder, that is for some reason I became pregnant, would I be just another child support payment to him. It really upset me and disgusted me at the same time. I drifted off with my thoughts. An hour or so later, I awoke to a bright light in the bedroom. He had grabbed the computer and was looking at pictures. I asked what he was doing, he said that he was looking at pics of his kids. He asked if I wanted to see them. The first set were of his daughter. A beautiful chubby cheeked blonde haired-blue eyed little girl with an adorable smile. I immediately recognized him in her. She was absolutely adorable. Then was his little boy. Another cutie with the same gorgeous eyes as his dad but with a thick head of dark hair and a melt your heart smile. I can say that he does make some pretty damn cute kids! I wanted to ask why he was looking at them, and before I spoke, he told me that he wrote his ex a letter asking to be part of his daughters life. It was a really heartfelt and apologetic letter that was very touching. I felt so proud of him and my heart filled with adoration for this man. He looked at me and thanked me. We shared a kiss and went to bed. This morning, I felt remorse for jumping down his throat. I was way out of line and it was not my place to put such judgment on him. I apologized for my comments and explained that my daddy issues came out in full force surprising me of just how much they had an effect on me. I told me that  he was so thankful I said what I said because he never thought about where his kids were coming from, and although he wanted to make an effort, he never had someone who cared enough push him to do it. And he told me that if anything were to happen as far as pregnancy, he would not run. I had never seen him like this, so sincere and so broke down. I felt so connected to him and I felt good inside…if we don’t work out, at least I was able to connect a beautiful little girl with her wonderful dad. That alone is worth everything! These events really had an impact on how much I care for D. I am really falling for this man and really feel like we could have a great future together. It sounds so crazy that I have these feelings after such a short amount of time, but it just feels right! I am so thankful for how things have worked out this far…even if at the time I couldn’t see it.

The truth and nothing but the truth

So I started this blog as an honest account of my life...and while I have been honest...I have also left out a few things for various reasons. I feel like I need to have a word vomit moment to get all of this out...so here goes!

I am going insane with the thoughts in my head…my head is spinning and I am not sure what do to or what the next step in my life will be. Let’s start with my biggest dilemma…my husband. I am so confused, more than I have ever been thus far. As things are progressing in our divorce, I feel like he is reaching out to me and grasping at what is left of our relationship. The past few weeks we have talked a lot, met a few times, and have almost fallen back into the way we used to be around each other. We have been able to talk to each other and joke around very light-heartedly, talk about life in general, and even flirt a little bit. Yesterdays conversation just blew my mind…he was flirty, said we should go to concerts and a food event together, and even apologized for what happened…something he has NEVER done. All I could do was cry…I am so confused. A few weeks ago I sent him a text asking him if we could be friends. This was something I was very against, and even told him that I can’t wait until everything is over so I don’t have to see him again. I thought it would be easier until our friends became engaged and the realization that I would have to see him at their wedding hit me. Then nostalgia kicked in and I really started to miss him. I miss being able to share my life events with him…to talk about music or shows…to get advice…and really, I just miss his personality and humor. I thought about what life would look like if I couldn’t see him or talk to him again and it really made me incredibly sad. He was my love and best friend, and now I’m not sure where we stand. I received no response to my text which didn’t really surprise me. About a week later, we were talking on the phone and the text got brought up, and he said he didn’t respond because he didn’t know what to say…he agreed with it and did want a friendship. So back to yesterdays convo…I’m not exactly sure what that was…was it him just being friendly, or as time progresses, is he really missing what we have? It is so hard to read him, and I feel like if I talk to him about it, I am just going to push him away. I am not sure what to do, if anything. This whole thing is getting so messy and so frustrating. Here we are, in the middle of our divorce, dating different people, but somehow there is still this strong connection and we can’t seem to let go of one another. Last Saturday we spent the morning together dividing up property and getting our taxes done and I could swear on everything that there was a very strong spark between us. We were goofy, flirty, and neither of us seemed to want to say goodbye. I am so so confused! Every time I think about us and the divorce, I just can’t picture us going through with it. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking. I know that getting any form of a relationship back will take a ton of work and will not be easy by any means…but aren’t the best things in life worth fighting for?! My boss told me yesterday that her and her husband were getting divorced, and 6 months into it, they broke down and decided to tear up the papers and give it another shot. They worked hard and it nearly took a year before they even had a good relationship. She said that one year was awful, but the 25 after that were amazing! We have an amazing structure that we can build on to have a wonderful marriage. I am all for giving this another try, I’m just not sure where he is. And I am not sure what to do. Do I tell him and risk pushing him away? Do I leave it alone and just see what happens? I have absolutely no clue what to do or where to go from here!

Now to make myself sound like an absolutely horrible person…the other thing on my mind is D. Things are going really well with him which makes me feel terrible that I am considering all of this all the while still dating him. I am basically keeping him on the back burner which is awful! I feel like a disgusting person, but I know that by sharing my feelings, I am really just going to hurt him, so I will continue to be a horrible person and keep him in the dark. I’m not even really sure how I feel about him or where this is going. He is such a wonderful person and we get along so well, but things are starting to drive me crazy! It has been about a month now that D has been out of work. He got let go from his previous job and has been looking for another one…though our definitions of “looking” are two different things. This boy has no savings and right now is pretty much dead broke, but he seems to be lacking motivation in finding a job. I let him borrow my laptop so he can job search during the day. So far, in the past month, I think he has sent out maybe 20 applications and is being picky as hell. I understand not wanting to take a crap job, but if I am broke, a crap job is better than no job at all. A $8 an hour job is a raise from $0. At this point, he really doesn’t have the option to be picky and it seems like he doesn’t get that. It really bothers me that he doesn’t have more ambition. The other thing that drives me crazy is that he doesn’t drive! He has no license or vehicle and it doesn’t fall high on his list of priorities. I don’t mind doing the chauffer thing right now, but it is getting old fast! Other than those things though, he is a really great guy! He is loving, caring, compassionate, funny, insightful, friendly, flirty, and we get along really well! Though I’m not sure if I see long term for us. I had to think about this because over the weekend, he dropped the L word. I started to tear up because it meant a lot, but I couldn’t say anything because I’m not there. I think I could get there one day, but at the moment, I am not. I love spending time with him and he makes me feel so special and wonderful, but there are so many things that need to be resolved first before I can think about going long term with D. I may be too overcritical with him, but I feel at 34, he should have his life together more or at least have a better concept of things like jobs, spending habits, time management, and things like that. I get that you can’t control life circumstances, but it’s how you recover from them that defines you. I just wish he could make better decisions. I sound so superficial right now and like a total nag, but I just want good in my life, not someone who will drag me down, not that he would do that, but I want to prevent it before I get too involved.

 

So there it is…the good, bad and ugly…but the truth none the less. I made an appointment with my counselor to try and figure out these thoughts that are bouncing around in my head so I can make sense of them and work towards my next step. I hope she can give me some clarity because I am a hot mess!

Staring down the dark tunnel

I am not wealthy…have never been wealthy and will probably never be wealthy. I am okay with that! I have grown up with very little in my life but never really felt like I was missing out on anything. Of course there were times where I had to skip out on events with friends because of funds, but for the most part, I was content with what I had and never went without important things. As I have grown up and have made purchases throughout my adult life, I have really come to value what I have and always make sure I take care of the things I have. Even the simplest of things I treasure. I am not a materialistic person. Do I wish I had more things or newer things? Yes, but who doesn’t?! But it doesn’t ruin my life or control it. That was one of the biggest problems in my marriage. He came from money and though we didn’t have much of it in our relationship, he always made a big deal about the things we had and never seemed quite satisfied. Things were always referred to as “mine” rather than “ours” and we were never able to save because there was always something that needed to be purchased. It’s not necessarily a bad thing because that kind of mentality helped us when we were purchasing our home,  but it created a lot of problems because of his selfishness. I say all of this because I am completely amazed at his level of selfishness. Just when I think he may have let that trait go….out of nowhere, it rears its ugly head! A few weeks ago we talked about division of property and made plans to sit down together and decided who gets what. I offered up a trade to him; I would give our dog to him and any furniture he wanted that we agreed on and in exchange, I wouldn’t have to buy him out of the house or give him any money from the house as I will lose any of the home’s value when I refinance it and put it in my name. He agreed to that deal. Yesterday, I had a phone conference with his lawyer and he informed me that my husband is insisting on getting money from the house. I was so angry and hurt that he lied to me like that! Not only that, but he told me over and over again to trust him, that he would not screw me over! I got off the phone with the lawyer, and called my soon to be ex! He said that if he didn’t get enough money from our tax return that he wants money from the house. He seems to think that it’s fair. So apparently it’s fair that he up and left me with all of the bills, all of the care and maintenance of the house as well as our pets, rips apart our marriage, and gets a new girlfriend, but also gets anything he wants as far as furniture AND money from the house?! He is absolutely ridiculous! I am trying to be as fair as possible and am trying not to be demanding or ask for a lot. All I wanted was the house! I could go after him for half of the house payments or spousal support, but I’m not…and this is how I get repaid! I don’t feel like being the nice and rational one anymore. I feel like turning into a complete selfish and vindictive bitch! I am so tired of being walked all over and treated so shitty! He holds things over my head and when he wants something from me, he is really nice and sucks up. I don’t want to be taken advantage of any longer! I don’t deserve it! I just want this to be done and over with. At this point, I have done all I can do to try and save my house, but it’s out of my hands and all I can do is pray. I am meeting with him Saturday, and my next court date is on April 2^nd…here’s hoping I don’t strangle him out of pure rage when I see him! Deep breaths and happy thoughts are what I keep repeating and will repeat until it’s over!

Lifes little surprises

It has been a bit since I have written and I figure it was about time for an update! Things are going pretty good for me lately...a little crazy at times...but good none the less. I have a court date set for the start of the divorce and have a phone conference scheduled this week with his attorney. Things are starting to finally sink in regarding that part of my life. It was strange watching thing actually come into fruition. Before, it was just an idea, something I thought would never actually happen. To be in the place I am today is so bizarre to me. If you had told me 8 months ago that this would be my life, I would have never believed it! Getting the papers really turned this into a reality and forced me to let go the little bit of hope I had that this wouldn't actually happen. In my head, I was ready to let go, but my heart still held out hope. At this point, I feel good about where things are going and every day I heal a little bit more.

 

Things with D have been really great! We have hit a few bumps in the road, but have been able to bounce back. I love how easy it is to talk to him. Anytime we have an argument, it is usually contained and over with remarkably fast. We are respectful to one another and we almost never lose our cool. Such a change of pace from what I am used to. Last night was so much fun and really made me like this guy even more! One of my friends had a birthday party yesterday. I told D about it and we discussed that since it was a birthday party and not just a random gathering, that I would see if she invites him, and if she didn't, we would go hang with his friends for the night. We all went to church in the morning and just before leaving, she invited him to the party. I was pretty nervous because with my ex, it was a pretty rare occasion that he got along with others in a group setting. He made really bad first impressions and became abrasive sometimes. It was really hard to not get embarrassed or apologize profusely for his actions. So for the most part, we hardly got invited to group hangouts. I really hoped that D would be different. Not only that, but I hoped that people would look past the fact that I have someone new, and they would get along really well. I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised! He was so wonderful! He was hilarious, charming, witty, friendly, and it seemed as though he had won the crowd over. I was so impressed and so proud to be holding this man's hand! It really helped solidify the feelings that I have for him! I always wonder in the back of my mind if I am pushing things or if this was too early, but everything just feels right and natural! I'm very excited to see where this goes! A random side note which I thought was really crazy cool...turns out, I went to junior high with his sister! We discovered we went to the same school, and he wondered if I knew her. I pulled out my yearbook to look, and out falls this picture of my in show choir standing next to his sister! So crazy....and very serendipitous! Very bizarre how things all work out! I'm sure to have more stories soon, but for now, I am going to enjoy this crazy and strange life I am living!