Standing my guard

I have always had this finite sense of justice, it’s pretty much been with me since I could remember. If I felt like something was not right or fair, you were going to hear about it and I was going to make it right. As a child, you don’t have a lot of say in things, and what you thought was fair may not be so in the eyes of a parent, or to everyone else for that matter! That is why as a child, I could not wait to grow up. I just knew that everything was going to be fair and as it should be. I was convinced that I could live off of a $600 a month budget surviving off of Cheetos and apple juice, and the occasional splurge of cookie dough! I envisioned this wonderful life complete with the perfect man and an adult career all balanced out with 6 children! In my world, everyone was treated with respect and no one cheated to get ahead. Love was love and there was nothing that could break that. As I got older, I realized that I have just as much power to make things fair as I did when I was a child. I am merely a piece in this game of life and I have to go along with things no matter how unfair or unjust as they may seem. I am still bound and determined to have certain things my way, but it’s not really working out so far!

One of the most unfair things which also happens to be the one where I have the least amount of control is in a relationship. I know this phrase is a little off putting to some. Why would someone want to have control? Come on! If you don’t think you are controlling in a relationship, you are a lying fool! Everyone wants to have a little bit of control! It’s the person you are that determines how much! I have come to find out that I can be quite a bit controlling! I am trying desperately to rein this in. It’s just like cleaning, I know that no one will clean it as good as I do, so why not take over the project. I think this is where most of it comes from. I feel like I have infinite knowledge on relationships and life in general, so why shouldn’t I just take over? Hahaha, yeah, now I’m the fool! But I like to pretend this is true! I think that having control in a relationship over certain things is a good thing. Where you have weaknesses, it’s better for someone with those strengths to jump in and take over, therefore, controlling that part of the relationship. This control really took over when my ex-husband cheated and left me. Everything that I thought I knew went up in smoke. I was hurt beyond measure and the worst part was that I was so vulnerable and completely blindsided! I swore to myself that it would never happen again. I would always be guarded and aware of what was going on. This statement itself is absurdly crazy! It is unfair to let something that happened in a previous relationship affect a new relationship. But, this is how it’s been so far. I am trying to let what happened go and open myself up and not be so guarded, but it is just too hard. I fear everything and my insecurities consume me. I find it nearly impossible to trust.

I know the values in a relationship that I hold high, and I know the expectations that I put on a relationship, and they are very simple but are very necessary. I want someone who is loyal, honest, trustworthy, kind, and someone who can communicate, show patience and understanding, and who accepts me and loves me for me. I don’t feel it’s too demanding, nor is it too much to ask. Then there are the things that are just common sense and don’t need to be talked about. It seems that those things come up and bite me in the ass constantly! Boundaries is one of them! If you are in a committed relationship, it should be common sense not to give your number out to a woman without communication to the partner. If she is truly a friend, then it needs to be presented in that way. Communicating that you have this friend that you want to give your number to so you can shit talk about work, or what have you, is better than saying nothing at all and giving it away without regard to that partner. A friendship shouldn’t be hidden. Messages should be able to be read in front of others as well as phone conversations. The minute you lie or hide anything about that person, it turns nothing into something. You have now crossed a boundary that you should have never been near! I don’t know why this is a hard concept to grasp or why I keep coming into contact with this scenario! Am I being completely unreasonable? I just don’t get it. But I will not be the fool that excuses this behavior. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me! I will not go through what I just went through again! I won’t be as guarded in this relationship, but I am a hell of a lot smarter this time around and not nearly as gullible or naive. I don’t need that kind of disrespect or dishonesty in my life, and that is my sense of justice! You want to act like that, take a hike, you are not for me!

Let the good times roll!

Yesterday, D and I celebrated being together for 6 months with dinner at The Elephant Bar and going to see Pacific Rim in IMAX 3D….not exactly the romantic night in Denver that we planned, but that was put off for a couple of weeks. We ended up having a wonderful night! It’s crazy to think about the fact that we have been dating for 6 months! It feels so short yet feels like I have known him for years! We get along so well it’s ridiculous! This is the happiest I have been in a very long time! It was such a wonderful feeling yesterday to sit a reflect on the past 6 months and how drastically my life has changed. I was a broken woman who felt nearly worthless and really had no hope that anyone would take interest. Here I am, 6 months later, feeling more love, passion, romance, and confidence then I could have imagined. Things aren’t perfect, and we are far from perfect, but who is perfect?! I am having so much fun with him and the big things that really bothered me are working themselves out, and that makes me care less and less about the little things. I really wondered if I was in this relationship for the right reasons, or did I just go with the first person that showed me attention. And the absolute honest answer is both. I went on a few dates with him because he was the only one out of the group of guys on the site that was worth anything and showed me attention. But he turned out to be one of the biggest and best surprises of my life! I never imagined that I could have felt this way about him! I am really excited to see where this goes….I really have hopes for us! Things seem to be working out, so I am going to roll with it and hope that the good keeps on coming!

I can see clearly now....

It has certainly been a while since I had an update. Things have been going wonderfully well! Last Friday, I had the closing on my house, so I am officially the sole owner of my home! It is such a great feeling....very liberated, very peaceful, very grateful! When everything happened, I felt like my world was turned upside down and I was losing everything...I could feel it slipping away from me. To be in this moment, nearly 10 months since it happened, I still can't believe that this is my life, but more importantly, I can't believe that I actually got to keep something I worked my ass off for! It was very gratifying! For the most part, I am getting over what happened, getting over him, and breaking through my emotions. I definitely still have moments where it's difficult, but I am allowing those to happen, it's a process and it will take time, but I am proud of where I am and what I have overcome. Yesterday, my friend who started work where I work took me out to lunch and we discussed a dinner that she had just had with my ex-husband. Curious, I asked how he and the mistress acted toward each other. She said that they shared inside jokes but didn't hold hand, there was no touching, and she said that he didn't compliment her the way he would me! That right there helped me out tremendously. I got that...I got the hand holding, the touching, the compliments, the look of love...I got it all! They act more like friends then lovers! It was gratifying to know that I got the best years of him and she gets this! He is such a different person than he was when we were married, and she gets this broken down mess of a person, who for the most part, settled for fear of being alone! Meanwhile, I get to spend my time with a man who truly loves me. What I have with D has been by far more passionate, more intense, and immensely more happy then it has with my ex-husband! It is so strange! I have only been dating D for 6 months but it feels like I have known him my whole life. It's been insane how fast things have progressed, but I wouldn't have changed it for the world! Every day, I fall more in love with him. The things that worried me before have been working themselves out and I have been taking time discover our relationship and have been making a solid effort to not make the same mistakes that my ex and I made. I will not take him for granted, I will pick my battles, I will respect his wishes, I will always be there for love and support...but I will not be walked over, I will make my wishes and wants known, I won't be taken advantage of, I will not have him move in with me until he proves he can handle financial responsibilities, and I will not be disrespected! I really love the place I am in right now, and although it may be difficult, I am having a blast getting to know myself and building this fantastic relationship! I finally feel like things are looking up and this season of pain and despair is nearly over!