Sending out bad karma

I experienced a new level of pain yesterday as I learned that my soon to be ex-husband is going to be moving into a condo in the next month with the woman he cheated on me with. I know that it is over between us, but I want him to live a miserable and shitty life feeling just half of the pain that he has caused me. I don’t want him to live with her and those kids. It absolutely disgusts me! I really shouldn't feel this way since I am pretty much sending out bad karma, but I don't give a fuck! What’s worse is that he insists on taking our dog just because he can, which wouldn’t bother me, if he was going to do what he said and have a back yard for the dog. We have a lab/great dane mix and he wants to take him from a big backyard to a small condo where there is no place for him to run or somewhere he can be outside! He is so unbelievable selfish! I guess I should have expected this kind of behavior from him. He is so childish and relies on others. There is no way he could live alone. He doesn’t know how to be independent and craves attention too much! Hearing that news took me by surprise and made me feel ill, but all in all, I guess I am glad it worked out like it did! Maybe living together with this vile woman and the kids will kill his romantic/family fantasy! One can only hope! Beyond that, things are going good. I am gearing up for Memorial Day weekend and excited to spend the day in Manitou with D! Not only do I have Monday off, but I also took next Friday off! So stoked! Hopefully I can get all of my house stuff in order and catch up on some Mad Men and enjoy this wonderful weather! I hope everyone has a fantastic holiday weekend!

Looking up

Went back and reread my previous entry and realize how very emo that post was. I have to remind myself that I am allowed those day and not to get embarrassed by them. This week, things are going really well, and I have a much better attitude then I did. I am getting ready for my 10 year high school reunion. At first I was a little apprehensive about going because I feel that in the last 10 years, I really have nothing to show for it except for a house. My marriage failed, I weigh the same, and I have no children. But then I realized just how much I have changed as a person, and that is almost more impressive to me than a successful marriage. I am strong, independent, friendly, outgoing, personable, charming, witty, funny, and I know who I am in my life. I know the things I want, and I will get them one day. I will not apologize for anything that I am not nor the things that I do not have. Life dealt me some shitty cards, but I have become a better person for them. So I am going to rock it at the reunion!

The divorce process is coming to an end. I went in to sign the agreement for who gets what, and am pretty happy with the results of that. I got to keep the house along with 90% of the furnishings inside. I am so appreciative that I got to keep the house. It isn't anything extraordinary, but I am so proud to be a homeowner and do improvements on something that is all mine! I am a very lucky lady! With that comes the fact that I will now be poor, or house poor as they say, but I welcome that! My mom is still living with my for the time being to help with bills until I can get a bit more stable, but also while she gets stronger and healthier. I very much look forward to the day when I live on my own, I will officially feel like an adult!

Relationship with D got a little rocky there for a while....I was in my head again and trying to sort some things out and that inadvertently pushed some issues to the surface and pushed us apart just a little. I took some time this week to really think about things and came to the conclusion that I over think things! I need to stop over analyzing everything he and I do, stop worrying that he will cheat on me or hurt me, and just have fun! That is what I really got into dating for anyway! Now that he has a job that he will be starting in a few weeks, I think things are going to work themselves out. For now, I am just going to relish in the fact that I have a man who adores me, thinks I am sexy, treats me like a queen in the bedroom, and is an all around fun and remarkable person. I am lucky for that and just have to keep reminding myself that things will work out the way they are supposed to. I am excited for next weekend....my friend is leaving for vacation and offered up her house for the weekend. She lives in Manitou and D absolutely loves it there, so I am sure it will be a really fun weekend! At the very least, it will be nice to have complete privacy! I think things are finally looking up!   

Down and out

I swear I am on the longest rollercoaster of my life! My emotions go up and down more than an elevator, it's ridiculous! Yesterday was probably the worst I have felt in a while. My mom has been having a lot of health issues lately, and that has me really bothered and upset, but at least she is getting help she needs and been knocking out a lot of checkups that she has neglected over the years. I have been really worried about her but I know she is strong and a fighter, and she will get through anything. Yesterday was her cardio appointment and we got really good news that no pacemaker is needed but she does have to do further testing. So we are waiting for results from that, hopefully it will be good as well. All we can do is keep moving forward with the checkups and praying everything works out!

 The rest of my mood comes from relationships in my life. Sunday would have been my 6th Anniversary of our big ceremony. As it is approaching, it is getting really hard to deal with. We had 2 anniversaries because we got married twice (one small and one big ceremony) that were 6 months apart. The one in November was hard but I still had it in my head that we would get back together, so it wasn't as hard to deal with as this one. I know it's over, but it is so hard to think about everything that has happened and all of the 'what could have been' thoughts. I laid awake last night thinking about what our life would have been like today if none of this stuff happened. I imagine us doing extremely well financially, fixing our house up really cute and even possibly getting the front lawn done and adding in AC as he would have got the higher paying job as he did. I imagine that by now we would have gotten pregnant and been planning a wonderful anniversary/mother's day getaway to celebrate everything in our life. I imagine our happiness shining through every crappy situation that would have been thrown our way and I picture these perfect little moments where we talk endlessly about what our child will look like and all of the things we will be looking forward to. I think about holding hands, cuddling, kissing, and loving up on my husband and feeling that safe and secure feeling I once felt. All of these thought running through my head that will never happen. All of these dreams shattered and laying in an empty place in my heart. I still feel broken, alone, and defeated! When will these feelings go away? When will I stop thinking about everything like that? I can't take it! It is too much sometimes.

 At this point in my life, I feel like such a failure. I couldn't make a marriage work, I am in a relationship that I'm not even sure I should be in, and I am nowhere near a place in my life where it seems like children will be an option. I just want to be happy. I want to experience all of the joys in life that I am missing out on! I am so tired of seeing everyone's pregnancy announcement and feeling that pang of disappointment and longing! It is devastating knowing that I am so far from that! I hate it! I want normalcy but I don't want to wait for it! And I especially hate that this went from a blog of frustration and determination to one filled with rantings of a jaded and heart broken woman! I hope to return to the strong woman I know I am and get out of this funk!

Irrationality

As I am entering this whole new phase in my life in which I am starting a new relationship...I realize just how ridiculous I can act in a new relationship, especially with how my last one turned out. The other night, D was at home, and I was at my home. We had been communicating through messages for the past few days. Yesterday, I didn't really hear from him very much. I was working and I figured he was hanging with friends and getting things together for his new job (YAY) so I didn't put too much into it. Later that night, I sent him a message that was short and simple, but left it open ended hoping I would hear from him. An hour or so passed, I logged back on to Facebook (Our means of communication) and saw that he read it but he didn't respond. I sent another little message and waiting. It was read but I was still left with no response. I began to get irritated. I finally said screw it and I sent him a message letting him know that even though he was ignoring me, I still wanted him to have a good night and I would talk to him in the morning. I immediately got a response. He said that he didn't mean to come off like he was ignoring me and he asked how my night was. I let him know that it was going well and that I really missed him. I then asked him how his night was. After 10 minutes of no response, I asked him if he was okay or if I did anything wrong. He said that I was being silly and made a cute little remark. I asked him again how his night was....no response. I felt a sick feeling in my stomach and my head jumped to the worst possible scenario. Why else would he not share how is night was? It was like he was avoiding the question. I became panicky and irritated. I told him goodnight, and shortly after that, he responded with how his night was. It was at that moment that I realized how ridiculous I had become and how jaded I am. I immediately assume that he is cheating. How freaking lame! Will I always think this way? Will I always assume the worst even though he hasn't given me a reason to? Will I ever trust another man again? Even just asking myself these questions made me depressed! Just another fucking thing he did to me! Will his curse ever end?! Next Sunday is my 6th anniversary, and even though I am thrilled to be with D, I am still very sad and slightly angry that he did these things to me! He was the one man I trusted more than anyone in the world and I just knew with everything I had that he would never hurt me or cheat on me! Shows you how blind love is and taught me to not take anything for granted....nothing is a for sure thing. I guess this will just be another thing that will take time to heal. I just feel awful that D has to suffer my absurd behavior all because my ex did what he did to me. I am very lucky that D is as understanding and as patient as he is! I really like this man a whole lot and I pray for his continued patience.