On the road to recovery

I started reading a book that was suggested to me and lent to me by D’s roommate. It’s called Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk. I am only a quarter of the way through it, but after I read a passage from it, it completely changed my perspective on things. A short synopsis on the book so far….a woman who was a model was in a car accident where someone shot through her window and the bullet mangled her face which included removing her jaw. She spent a lot of time in the hospital recovering, but in one fell swoop, she lost her identity, her career, her fiancé, her voice, her beauty, her friends, and ultimately, the life she knew. She gets out of the hospital and upon her first outing, a child calls her a monster…this spurs her breakdown where she ends up back at the hospital and into the room of a woman recovering. She scribbles everything she lost and is mourning over on a pad of paper. The woman reads it and tells her to write it down all night, tell her the story repetitively until she realizes that it is no longer happening to her, it’s done and over with, and when she realizes that and throws the paper away, she can put it in her past and begin to rebuild her life. That really hit home with me! In one fell swoop, I lost my husband, my security, my confidence and self-esteem, my love, my best friend, my future, my marriage, and ultimately, the life I knew. I keep reliving it over and over. I dwell on what has happened and what I have lost. I still mourn and cry over it. I have to stop. I have to realize that it’s over. No amount of ‘what if’s’ or replaying it over and over is going to change anything. It happened, but it’s done. It was awful and unimaginable, but it’s over. It’s time to crumple that paper up and throw it away. I am rebuilding my life and I don’t need this thing holding me back! I feel liberated for the first time!

Oh the possibilities

Sitting at work feeling antsy… could be because I have had a 3-day weekend back to back the last 2 weeks and now I am feeling like this work week is going soooo slow and it’s only Tuesday! Memorial day weekend was amazing! D and I took advantage of my friends empty house in Manitou and it was beyond wonderful! It was nice to just be with each other in complete privacy, have no schedule and just be able to enjoy our company. We arrived at the house in the early afternoon and celebrated with a glass of wine and some fun! We ended up napping for a few hours and awaking to more fun and then a tour of Manitou. We walked around, shopped, played in the arcade, talked next to the little stream and enjoyed the weather. We had a nice romantic dinner, wandered back to the house for more wine and conversation. It had to have been one of the best days I have ever had. At this point, it was safe to say that I have fallen in love with this boy. It was wonderful to have a day filled with such passion, a day where we could just talk and get to know each other better, a day about just us. The best part was that there was no arguing. I had never had a romantic getaway where there was no arguing. With my ex, we argued constantly. We even argued on our honeymoon. I loved how carefree we were and how into each other we were. It was simply amazing! We finished out the weekend by spending time with D’s family and getting to know them which was pretty cool. There are a bunch of crazy connections with his family, it’s so strange. I went to middle school with one of his sisters and the other sister has a child with a guy I went to middle school and high school with. His family is definitely interesting but sweet none the less. I had fun getting to know them and seeing D around the kids.

This last weekend was pretty great as well, but not without its challenges. I had Friday off, so we planned to spend the day together just like last weekend and take advantage of the empty house and enjoy the last weekend before D started his new job. A conversation that we had earlier in the week got brought up. Last week, D and I were laying in bed and were talking about things we want. He looked at me and said that he didn’t realize how badly I wanted children until he saw me starring at some pregnant women at an event we went to last weekend. He asked me what my timeline would be. I told him that I would like to have my first child before I turned 30, so ideally, it would be pretty soon. He then asked me what my reaction would be if I found out I was pregnant right now. I told him that I would be scared but for the most part I would be ecstatic. He said he would feel the exact same. So he posed the hypothetical ‘what if we were to stop the protection and just see what happens’ question. I was stunned and speechless. I told him I would have to give it thought. Fast forward to Friday….I told him that I thought about what he said and that before I could comfortably do something like that, I would want to know that he could have a relationship with his children. I have been trying to get him to reconnect with his 5 year old daughter since we started dating, and it really bothers me that he doesn’t have that relationship. I can’t begin to understand what happened between him and the mom to want to separate himself especially since it obviously kills him to do it, but I told him that he should fight with all he has to be in her life. We had a long talk about it that resulted in a huge argument but ultimately got us to really understand each other and him to take charge and take the appropriate steps to get back into her life. I was really proud of him and it really made me see him in a different light. It also made me really consider his offer. I was going to go the route of a donor in about 6-8 months, so why not entertain the possibility of D. I am still considering it, but will need to see improvement before I actually decide. Ultimately, I know that if I am blessed with a child by whatever means that it happens, that child will have more love in its life than it could ever know. I would do anything to have a child and I will do anything for that child. At this point in my life, I am ready for my life to continue and I want these things to happen. I am nearly a solo homeowner, I have a great job, and I am going to work like hell to have a family. Screw the traditional family, tried it and it didn’t work! I just want to be happy! I really feel in my heart that I could be happy, truly happy soon. I really love D and could see us being a quirky family some day. But really, who knows, I thought things were all figured out in my life and that didn’t turn out like I thought. All I can do is live in the moment and plan as best I can for the future and pray it all works out the way it is supposed to!