Ready for a New Year!

Reflecting back on a whole year of a fertility journey and I can’t help but be kind of glad that 2015 is ending. This year has been a bit rough. I started out in January with such high hopes. I went to my OBGYN and started this journey armed with what I thought would be the start of motherhood. I ended up with a nice pharmacy bill for meds that didn’t even pertain to me. One of the things I am grateful for is finding a wonderful RE at a place that is just fabulous! Without my doctor, I would never have known what really is wrong with me! A new doctor, a new diagnoses, a new hope and a new frustration! Very bittersweet indeed! I went into April feeling like a freak as I discovered I now only have half of a uterus, but also feeling good knowing that it wasn’t anything I could have done wrong, it just is what it is.

This year also brought on a different kind of pain. Now that I knew what was wrong, and the course of action had been changed, I was SURE that I would be pregnant in a matter of months, now that I could do an IUI. The devastation from walking away from a whole months worth of work on an IUI was rough. I had never been that crushed before. But I had such a wonderful support system that I was able to bounce back from my failures. I also got to feel a deep frustration like I had never felt before along with a complete loss of control. I would psyche myself up for a new month, walk into that room ready to tackle this all over again, but as I watched my doctors face as she moved the scan all around to discover that my left side produced nothing, I knew my fate. It plain sucked! Having on control as to which side would decide to produce a follicle sucked!

This month was one of the harder months. I was set to start a new set of treatments that I got really excited for, just to walk out of that room disappointed yet again! Nothing, except for the nice cysts that were on each of my ovaries! I was bumming hard core! I had this idea that I would be able to start my treatments, and would find out right before Christmas that I had a little Christmas miracle growing inside of me. But if we have learned anything, it is that life does not care about your plans or ideas. It does what it wants. As I started to cope with the idea that maybe it was for the best, because I can now take part in all of the adult beverages at Holiday parties, I perked up, and started to enjoy my December. But, in good fashion, my body jumped right in with a  giant middle finger and gave me the gift of mid-cycle bleeding. This lasted for about 4 days. Lucky me! Now here is where I am thrown through a loop….I was supposed to start 5 days ago. I took a test, and of course, it showed me that lovely little negative that I am so accustomed to. I am now in limbo, which I fucking hate! Was this mid-cycle gift a random bleed because of cysts? Was it the start of a period that came two-weeks early? Or is my body finally saying FU and doing its own thing making it harder in this new year to try? All of these questions that are answered with the waiting game. For now, I wait, marking a possible CD1 two weeks ago, while keeping the tally running from the previous cycle, marking today CD33. As I mentioned before….I am so ready to leave this year behind!

I am going to prepare myself for the new year! New possibilities, new hope, new outlook, and new goals! Come on 2016, make this the best year EVER! I am ready!!

Cursed?

Do you ever feel like you are cursed? When I was younger, at the moment something upsetting/terrible/tragic happened, I could literally pinpoint the exact moment just before that I was happy, like truly happy, and would utter the very words. Not too long after that, said tragedy would happen. And I’m not talking like my favorite pair of jeans ripped tragedy, I mean real-life, fuck-you-up shit would happen. I always felt that I had a curse put on me, like I am not destined to ever be happy. The minute I have a taste of it, it gets ripped away. I still feel like it’s there. But that is my pity and self-loathing phase speaking. I usually get into it when something shitty happens. Nothing absolutely terrible happened, and for that I am thankful, but it still sucks! I went to my doctors yesterday, for my CD4 ultrasound. I was so excited, this was the month I would start injections. I had this little vision of being able to share the news just in time for Christmas. But if anyone knows the world of fertility, you know that things NEVER go according to plan. My ultrasound showed that I still had the cyst on my right side that did look like it was going away, but now I had one on my left! Mother fucker! I had blood drawn and my estrogen level was higher than normal, and all that made for the final decision of postponing injections until the next cycle. I am bummed! Just when I get this little glimpse of hope, something has to rain on that parade! So tired of this! I just want to get pregnant! I want to have a healthy and happy baby, and I want to be a mother. Why is it so hard?! I just don’t get it! I know I am not the only woman to go through this. I follow many blogs of women in my shoes, and some have it harder than myself. This fucking sucks ladies! Blech! It is hard not to personalize it, hard not to fall into a slight depression, and really hard to stay optimistic! I made the mistake last night of talking about my fertility at A’s Girls Scout Meeting. There are a few really sweet mothers who just say the absolute wrong things! I had one mother tell me that she just gets pregnant by her husband looking at her. She loooovveed being pregnant, and she thought about being a surrogate because of how easy is was for her. And then another mother said that she is so fertile that the only times she has ever messed around with her husband (strange relationship, but no judgement), they immediately got pregnant. I have one thing to say…..SHUT THE FUCK UP! If a woman is telling you her frustrations about NOT getting pregnant, and her longing for a child, it may not be the best time to rub it in her face that you can get pregnant so easily. I wouldn't walk into a room full of bald people and rave about my hair. It is just plain rude! I digress. So here I am, back on the waiting wagon hoping that next month’s ultrasound shows nice clear ovaries. I would like something to go right this time! As much as I am thankful that I am still able to try, I am also getting so tired of being on this roller coaster. It is exhausting and feels less hopeful by the day.

Change of Plans, Here We Go

Well today was not what I was hoping for! Ugh! I took my lovely little Letrozole on the designated days like I was supposed to, and then had a really nice and fun weekend on a little road trip from AZ back to CO with my mother. I woke up this morning half excited and half worried for my appointment today. I got to my doctors, had a little pep talk with my left side as we took the elevator up, and thought we were on the same page. I was wrong! Et tu Brute?! Just like Julius fucking Caesar, my body betrayed me! I was on the table when my doctor told me that yet again, that lazy bastard of an ovary produced NOTHING! Not a damn thing! The fucking valedictorian right ovary did its job and made a perfect follicle! GAHHH! My doctor told me that we had to make a change as she didn't see the point going on like this since nothing was happening. My two options, a cycle with injectables or IVF. Since I am not rich, IVF is out of the picture, so that left the injectables. What that means…..Next cycle, I will go in as normal, but once I get the green light, I will continue to go into the office close to every other day to get blood drawn and an ultrasound to check levels and make sure all is good. Then, on the daily, from CD3 to CD11-14, I will inject myself with Follistim. The results from blood test will determine the dosage for the next few days. Then, if my left side decides to join the party instead of being an absolute asshole, I will take the Ovadriel trigger shot that makes me ovulate and will do my 3^rd IUI. It is much more expensive than what I have been doing, but will hopefully result in a wee one and make all of this worth it! I am so lucky to have such a great support system through all of this, because I don’t know what I would do without them! I feel weak today, but will be stronger tomorrow and I will make this happen! I will have this baby! I am not giving up!

Not A Bad Start

I had my first appointment in months with my RE on Monday. It went fairly well. I still have a small cyst on the right side, but my Dr. thinks that it should be okay and will not interfere with moving forward and taking Letrozole. I started my first dose Monday night and will continue through Friday with a follow-up appointment next Monday to see if the left side has finally got it’s shit together and produced some decent sized follicles! Lazy asshole! So we play the hopeful game all over again. I am feeling pretty good about it. I am excited to start the process again this month, although it was a nice break, it sucked losing so much time! So here we go, fingers crossed, prayers said, and a calm mind wait for Monday.

Things in life have been a bit crazy to say the least. We have had D’s daughter A full time for almost 5 months now. All in all, it has been pretty great having her there. We have her into a nice routine, between school, art club, girl scouts, and counseling, she has a full schedule. It has been rough a few times, but she is a wonderful little girl that I am so blessed to have in my life. As far as her mom, things have not been so good there. She is an alcoholic, who was doing a great job recovering, until she made the rookie mistake of thinking 3 months sober made her invincible, and she consequently fell off the wagon, hard! She has been on and off drinking for almost a month. It was hard having to tell A that her mom was acting that way because of the alcohol. We have had to be the ones to explain why her mommy bailed on events she promised she would go to, and explaining why she can’t be alone with her right now. It put us in a tough place, but I think she understands. Thank God for counseling! It is so hard to watch and be part of something like this. I love that little girl, and I only want the best for her. She needs her mommy and her daddy in her life, but I know that unless mommy WANTS the help, she won’t get the help she needs. I can only think of my relationship with my alcoholic father and how many times he chose alcohol over me, and it breaks my heart. So here I am, jumping in and playing mom, trying to keep her from drowning in these emotions, taking her to functions and loving this little girl like she was mine….but she isn't. And that is a hard reality. I hope that her mom does get better, because she deserves it, but I know that day, if it comes, is going to be hard. Handing over the reins of this world we created for her, and stepping down from that role. It will be hard, it makes me tear up just thinking about it. This time that I have been able to step in has been great. And I will always be there for her, no matter what role I play in her life. I love her, I love her father, and I love our little (hopefully growing) family!

Just Another Bump in the Road

It has been a streak of bad luck/timing! Last month, I got the okay to take Letrozole in hopes of doing my 3^rd IUI. I took it exactly like I was supposed to. I went back to the doctors for my CD12 scan, and was really disappointed. I had one decent sized follicle on my right side, but a tiny little one on my left. I felt so bummed! We both agreed to just wait until next month. I had unexpected spotting right after that, and it lasted about 4 days. The doctor thought it may have been my cyst that caused some bleeding mid cycle. It went away after that, which I was relieved by! Now I was in wait mode for my next cycle in hopes I may have better luck this time. God must have a funny sense of humor, because I started my next cycle as I was on my way to Arizona. I called my doctor, but by the time I would make it back, it would already be CD5, and too late to start anything. So this month ended up being a wash as well! I was so freaking bummed! Another damn month slips away! Here I am, a month from today is my 31^st birthday, and still no pregnancy! I fought depression the next couple of days and slowly cheered myself up with the help of delicious wine! I boarded the plane on Sunday that would take me back home, and opened up my trashy celeb gossip magazines and began reading. I came across a little box at the right hand corner of the page. It was a mini-article of the actress Beverly Mitchell showing off her adorable children. She is 34 and has two young children, the first of which, she had when she was 32. That thought made me perk up a bit. Here is this vivacious young looking woman who is 32 when she had her first, and here I sit, a mere 30 (close to 31). Though sometimes it is hard to accept that I am in my 30’s, I am still relatively young. I put so much pressure/stress surrounding my age, that I really lose sight of the bigger picture. It does not matter how old I am when it happens, as long as it happens. I know that I will get pregnant. I know that I will have a happy and healthy baby. I just have to remain patient and do what I can and know that it will happen in God’s time. My mom asks me if I am going to be okay if it doesn’t happen. Well, first of all, no. I cannot fathom that. I know that there is this massive aching in my heart that will never cease if it does not happen. But, none of that matters. I believe that God will give you the desires of your heart, or he will change your heart. I am still as passionate about it as I have been. I believe in God, I believe he is the God of miracles and nothing is too big for him to do. I know that I will be a Mom. I know this because I have faith. It is just learning to be patient is what I have a problem with! So for now, I will enjoy my few glasses of wine and the lack to stress from trying this month and wait for my cycle to start over and for hope to be restored for next month! It would be the best birthday gift of all!

On a Break

This has been a rough month for me. After the loss of my wonderful doggie Kyiah, I was heartbroken. There have been quite a few changes as well that have been hard to get used to. My mom quit her job and decided to move to Arizona to take care of my Grandma. Now, she has tried to do this several times before, but has never quit her job, and she sounds more determined this time. I am glad my Grandma won't be lonely anymore, but it still makes me sad. I wanted my mom to move out, not move states. At least she is close enough to visit. Things with D's daughter A have been going well. We have had her almost 3 months full time while her mother has been in rehab. She started a new school and we have had to adjust to different schedules, and making time to fit in homework and reading time. Been a bit tough, but really rewarding.

So on top of everything, I have had to deal with the impossibly difficult fertility journey! I have 2 failed IUI's under my belt and went in for my third this last week, only, it didn't happen. After taking Femera a fourth time, my left side refused to produce even 1 follicle. I had several big ones, just on my right side! I was so angry! I have always been down about the way my body looks, but I have never disliked my body more than after that day! It is so frustrating and emotionally draining! Not only have I had 2 failed IUI's, but it was like my body giving me the middle finger. I was speechless. I left the office feeling hopeless. I feel a little better about it now, being on the other side of this disaster, and it has given me time to let me body relax for a month and prepare for this month. Hopefully the left side will get its shit together and create some damn good size follicles! In fact, since it slacked this time, it should give the right side a break and create all the follicles this month!!! I spoke with my doctor, and since I had some left over Crinone from my previous dr, we are going to use it after ovulation/IUI #3 and hope for the best! So this month it is rest and relaxation until my cycle starts over, and then it's ON!!

Broken Heart

I wanted to take a break from my typical entries to talk about something that absolutely breaks my heart. My mother and I had to come to the tough decision of putting my beloved family dog Kyiah to sleep. My beautiful and lovely, one of a kind companion will be leaving this world tonight. Almost 16 years ago, we wandered down the aisles of our local humane society looking for the perfect match for our family. This group of dogs huddled together caught my eye. It was a momma dog with her 6 little puppies. 4 boys and 2 girls. I looked in the back, and here was this beautiful little girl looking so lonely and so scared. That beautiful little puppy became OUR beautiful little puppy! We took her home and she ran right to one of our slippers, curled up in it, and chewed her way to sleep. Through the years, she has matured and become easily my favorite pet of all time. She is always there, always giving kisses, and even her little hugs. Many housing changes and moves across states, she was easy going and adjusted well. The last few years as she entered into the life of a senior, she started changing, and not for the better. Things seemed so much harder than they should have been, and she lost that sparkle in her eye. It was hard watching her, and I convinced myself that she was okay, but when I took a step back, I realized that she wouldn’t get any better. But I also knew that she wasn’t that bad yet. I still had time, not a lot, but some. The last month was a different story and I had to face it, her quality of life no longer looked the same as it has. This beautiful puppy who turned into an incredible dog was nearing the end of her long and wonderful life. It was the absolute hardest decision I have made in my life, but we decided to end her struggle and pain and transition her into her new life in heaven. I have only 2 short little hours left before I have to say goodbye to a friend I have had for half of my life. My heart is breaking and there are no words. The only thing I can say is; thank you Kyiah, for being the best friend/perfect dog in my life. No one can fill those shoes. You have a place in my heart, now and forever!

In Need Of Some Hope

I can’t even begin to explain how broken-hearted I am at the moment. As I am trying this, my statistic has now been changed to TWO failed IUI’s. This hit me harder than last months. I didn't have too high of an expectation last time. I figured, rarely does anything happen on the first try. So I had a hint of optimism, but wasn't expecting anything to come from it. So when I started spotting the day before I was to test, it bummed me out, and I cried a bit, but it seemed easy to move on and get excited for round 2. This month was a completely different story. It just started off better overall. I had a bigger follicle on my left side, this month had very little stress attached to it, the tests all looked good, and we were even able to have some fun a few times after. I felt so good about it all. As I entered my TWW, I didn't really even focus on anything until last week. I was feeling pretty good, just a little crampy and sore boobs, which was new to this process. Inside, I was reeling with happiness, and I just felt pregnant. I became a little nervous on Sunday as that is when I started spotting last month. But a whole day came and went with nothing! I got up this morning, so eager to test. I ran to the bathroom, pulled out a FR and a CBE Digital. A whole five minutes later and my dreams were shattered! One fucking pink line and the heartbreaking ‘NOT PREGNANT’ is what I got instead! I couldn't even breathe. I was so fucking sure that it had worked this month. I just started sobbing. I cleaned up my mess, left the bathroom, and crawled back into bed with D. I was still sobbing and he asked if I was okay. He must have realized why I was crying, because he squeezed me tightly and told me I didn't need to say anything, and he was so sorry. That meant the world to me. I didn't feel so alone in this. I picked myself back up and continued with the rest of my day. I just feel so angry, confused, upset, frustrated, devastated and hopeless!  I cannot shake this crummy feeling. I just want to curl up and cry! I hate this roller coaster of emotions I am on, and I hate that I cannot seem to make this happen, no matter how hard I try! It is the single most frustrating thing I have ever done in my life! I get so close and it just gets ripped away! I know I am not the only woman in the world to go through this, but fuck, this sucks! It is so hard to not take this personally. You evaluate your life and choices and wonder if you had done things differently, would there be a different result?! Is there a reason why this is not happening for me? I just don’t get it!

So now, I am faced with IUI #3. All of eggs lay in one basket. You see, IUI’s are statistically successful within the first three, and if you are not successful after those three, it’s not very likely that IUI’s will work for you. My dr. told me that we will do this one more time, and if it doesn't work, then we will get together, and talk about other methods. Well, the only remaining method of somewhat natural conception would be IVF. Now if I made more than a typical middle class woman, this would not be a problem, sign me up! But I, along with millions, can barely afford a pedicure let alone a $15,000 procedure! So this seems to be my last shot. I am all out of money and options, and this is one of the worst feelings! 2 of 2 IUI’s failed, what are the chances of this one working?! This fucking sucks! Plain and simple! I cannot even leave this entry with a hopeful and cheesy one liner of how I can’t wait to try this again, because at this point in time, I feel like it is completely useless and utterly hopeless!

Take Two!

I am feeling great today! I just did my 2^nd IUI this morning and I have such a great feeling about it! I can’t really explain why I feel so different, I just do. A part of it has to do with the amount of stress in my life. It has decreased dramatically, and I am pretty freaking happy about that. This have settled down and seem to be going pretty well…***knock on wood! Another part of it has to do with the process itself. I have been feeling better overall lately, and going in this morning, it was just such a positive morning, it made my attitude better. The injection process went better than last time, I got to use Ovidrel again, which goes in my stomach, rather than Novarel which went in my upper butt cheek, which sucked! I also had a much bigger follicle on my left side, and that makes me happy! Today, I was able to have the dr. do the IUI rather than the nurse practioner do the procedure. No disrespect to the NP, but she had a hard time getting the catheter in and it felt like she didn’t get it in the right spot. It was way too easy and I had some run-out. Today, the dr. got right in, knew exactly where to go, it felt crampy and was a bit uncomfortable. There was also no run-out, which was awesome! It felt better overall and gave me a great feeling!

So I am now entering the two week wait, ugh! Soooo happy to be at this point, and I am absolutely not complaining, but I do not do well with waiting! I am incredibly impatient! The tww is insanely hard and borderline torturous! But I will get through it! Fingers crossed and lots of prayers! By the grace of God, I hope to be updating soon with a positive result to go with my positive attitude! 

Confessions of a Face-stalker

Technology has been my friend throughout the years, but it has also made me into a crazy person. I couldn't even tell you how many hours I have spent on Google self-diagnosing or searching out anything and everything to do with fertility. Not only that, but I have to confess, I am a Facebook stalker. I creep on and through peoples profiles. I cannot help it, I have a need to be nosy! I don’t get nuts about people or anything, but I like to see what people have been up to, check out some photos and that pretty much sums it up. This has lead to this funk that I have been in recently. To back track, let me explain that my wonderful and supportive man D has very strong swimmers that have helped him in creating 4 separate humans with 4 different women. The first one is a boy who is now 12. The Mom ran off with another man when the boy was only 7 months old and has been with that man since. That guy has adopted him and knows nothing of D. The second of course, is little miss A. The little light in my life! The third is another boy, who is 5 and resides in Las Vegas. The mom and D split amicably while she was still pregnant. And the last little one is a little girl who is 3. His last relationship before me was with this woman who moved from Alaska, they dated briefly, she became pregnant, and wanted to move back to Alaska with D. He couldn't leave because of A, so the mom decided to put the baby up for adoption. She has since been adopted by a lovely couple. So now that the mechanics are out of the way, here is why I am in a funk:

These women, all different in personality and appearance, have one thing in common. A wonderful child who shares DNA with D. All of them carry these strong genes that make them resemble D with just a hint of the other person. This is a tough one for me. Knowing that each of these women so thoughtlessly and effortlessly just became pregnant. Continuing with my previous conversation, I tend to go on to Facebook and look at pics of these children. Wondering what their personalities are like, noticing all of the genetic traits D has passed off to them, and to see the similarities in likes/dislikes. All of these children, little pieces of D spread all over, creating life without any struggle. It is hard to think about these women who just fell into pregnancy and motherhood. The struggle I face seems so unfair, and it makes me so angry sometimes, but then I remind myself of where I am today, and how I am still able to try and still believe that I will be pregnant. I daydream of what our child will look like. No doubt, it will more than likely be a reflection of D with just a hint of myself, but I wonder if they will look like each other. I see hints of A within the little girl who was adopted. And in the older boy, he looks just like a miniature D. I also think about our children, and wonder if they will ever get the chance to know their siblings or even meet them. I loved knowing I had a brother out in the world, even though I have only started talking to him a year ago. It’s nice to know where you come from and what family you have out there! Who knows what the future holds….

I may sound crazy, but unless you have been down this road of infertility, you have no idea what it can do to your mind and body. This has been one of the hardest, if not THE hardest thing I have done in my life! It is a rough road, and I know there is still work to be done, but hopefully soon, I can enjoy the spoils of motherhood and relish in the little life that we created!

Feeling Good

Well, we are all set for round 2! I went in for my scan and it went better than I hoped for! I have no cysts and that was a really good sign. She looked at might right ovary and then my left. One thing she said that got me feeling really hopeful was the discovery of a lot of little follicles on my left ovary. I go back on the 31st for my CD12 scan to see how they look. I am hoping for a left side full of follicles! I have a really good feeling about this month! It is turning out to be way less stressful than last month, thank God! It has a whole different feel than last month, something I cannot explain. So lots of prayers or thoughts would be appreciated to anyone who may stumble upon this blog! Left side, left side, left side!!!!!

Try and Try Again!

Well, we are back to square one! My first round of IUI was unsuccessful unfortunately. I was kind of doubtful anyway, just because we have been under so much stress lately, I knew it was taking a toll on my body. I made it through the torturous two week wait to be greeted with lovely AF. What a bummer. I was really disappointed and upset and felt like a failure yet again. It is so hard to not personalize your loss because all you feel is pain and frustration with absolutely no one to blame. Shit happens, plain and simple. We can do our very best, and keep trying,  but it may not happen. I will tell you that I won’t give up though. I am going into this new month with high hopes, positive outlook, and a much better feeling about this one than the other. So today is officially my CD1. I have an appointment scheduled for my CD2 scan tomorrow, and we will continue on this month to hopefully be able to do round 2 of IUI. Fingers crossed and lots of prayers for success this time around!

As I mentioned before, stress has been the ongoing theme in our life this last month. D and I ended up getting temporary full custody of A, as her mom goes through rehab. Going from a part time family to full time family has not been without it’s challenges. We have had to deal with her mom’s family which included stalking, a plethora of phone calls and texts, and numerous attempts to take A. Then, when we thought all of that was behind us, we had to deal with D’s family. They were supposed to watch A while we were at work until she starts school next month. Well, long story short, that all came crashing down over $30. We ended up getting her into a wonderful daycare, but the stress of dealing with family members, figuring out new schedules, adjusting to lack of privacy and personal time and trying to work with the little bit of money we have has left me feeling wore out and broke down. It has been exhausting to say the least. I think I can safely say that things seem to be looking up and calming down, just hope they stay that way. I intend on taking better care of my physical and mental health this time around, and hopefully that leads to a nice positive result! :)

Not a fan of the Two Week Wait!

Tales from an obsessed woman......I cannot stop using Google, nor can I focus for more than 15 minutes without thinking about the result from my IUI. Neither of which help me, it just makes me even more crazy! On Google, I use every combination of the words 'IUI' 'Success' and 'Unicornute Uterus'. I find next to nothing on my searches. What I have come across are pages of Women who have a UU completely skipping IUI and going straight to IVF. Not sure how these women find it possible to jump to a $10,000 procedure, but more power to them. I have yet to find an uplifting story about a woman who has UU, who did an IUI and was successful. This frustrates me! The simple solution would be to simply not search for anything. Really, reading tons of entries on blogs will not change my outcome. It will not help me achieve a positive pregnancy test, it only stresses me out more, which is not good. But here is my predicament, I work an office job from 8-5 every day. I sit here at my desk, working away with constant thoughts of babies, medical procedures, and possible pregnancies dominating my every thought. I have Google readily available on my desktop just staring at me. I tell myself a million times "don't do it, don't give in", but the urge just builds until I cannot stand it any longer, and I give in. Like that moment you give in to that piece of chocolate cake you don't need. It satisfies the craving, but you feel terrible after. That is where I am at today.

My head goes between thinking that; yes, this is totally possible, it can and will happen this time. You have 2 great follicles, great lining, clear tubes, great swimmers, and healthy baby making parts. People get pregnant all the time and never know they have a UU until they have a C-section, so why wouldn't this work?! BUT, the other part of my thoughts go a little something like this: It's probably not going to work. Rarely does it work on the first try, let alone with somebody who only has half a uterus! Don't get your hopes up because when it doesn't work out, you will be crushed! People with UU's don't do IUI because they know it won't work, they even struggle with getting IVF treatments to work.

I sound like a crazy person, I truly do. I want to believe with everything inside of me that this will work, that this is my saving grace! I pray every day that this IUI will be the one to get me nice and pregnant. That I will have a healthy pregnancy that will result in a happy and healthy baby who will go on to live a long happy and healthy life! I truly hope this is the case! I want this more than anything in the world! So for now, I will end this rant and try and get some work done. This two-week wait is as torturous as everyone says it is! 

Today is the day!

Today is extremely exciting……… today was my IUI!! AHHHHHH! I seriously cannot believe that I did my first, and hopefully last, IUI! I went last Thursday for my scan. I was incredibly nervous as last month, I had a perfectly mature follicle, it was just on the wrong damn side! So my scan revealed that I had a nice big follicle on my right side, which of course is the wrong side, BUT, I also had a nice big one on my left side. They had me scheduled for a scan Saturday to make sure the one on my left was growing and would look good enough to go through with the IUI. I went Saturday and got the all clear!!! I was given a new injectible trigger shot that was a bit different than the Ovidrel shot I did last month. This one was actually an intramuscular injection, which means it had to go just below my hip, which meant D had to give it to me. He did a wonderful job despite the nice bruise feeling it left for a few days. We went this morning so D could give his sample and they could prepare it and give it a boost. I went back a few hours later to do my IUI. I had never been so nervous in my entire life! It was done before I knew it, and I was left to my own thoughts while I laid on the table for 10 minutes. I prayed, tried thinking happy thoughts and even had a conversation with the puppy decals on the ceiling.  When the timer dinged, I got up and cried. I am in serious shock today. This has all been so surreal and I am so happy that I am able to even post this update! So now, we wait. The dreaded two week wait, I am officially in this territory! I am hopeful and thankful and beyond happy! Hopefully, I will be able to post some good news soon!!

As for the rest of life, it has been madness! For almost two weeks now, we have had D’s daughter A full time. Some things happened with her mother that left D with temporary full custody of A. It has not been without it’s challenges, which include stalking and excessive phone calls from that side of her family, and of course behavioral changes with A. Things are settling down which is nice, and we have been able to enroll her in school and come up with a  good routine for her. I am truly happy to have such a wonderful filled life with more love than I could have imagined. Here is to more of that with a new little one! ;)

Yet Another Ride Around the Fertility Roller Coaster!

So since the last time I have posted, life decided to throw some more curve balls my way! I thought all was good to go for my first IUI, but of course, nothing goes according to plan. I went in for CD10 scan to see how my follicles are developing. I had to see the other doctor as mine had the day off. I propped myself up on that table and she went to town on the ultrasound. She finished and told me that I had 2 follicles on my left side that were a bit small (8mm & 9mm) but I had a really great one on my right side that was measuring 13mm. One problem, I don’t have a fallopian tube on my right side! I asked her about that and her expression changed. She grabbed my file, looked it over and said for me to come back in 3 days to see if by change the ones on my left had grown. Flash forward to 3 days later, and just like clockwork, the bad news came rolling in. The one on my right grew to 18mm but the ones on my left didn’t move much at all. I was so disappointed! I asked her how likely it is and asked her if I should do it or not. She said that there was a small chance that my left tube could pick up that egg, but since I was paying for it out of pocket, she told me to save my money and try for it next month. She did however recommend doing a trigger shot/Ovidrel on CD14 and timing sex for the next few days and hope for the best!

So here is where we are at today: Today is CD19 and I am currently on the two week wait. Honestly, I don’t expect anything to happen. Just seems too far out of the realm of possibility. It would be a huge surprise if it happened, but I am not hopeful. What I am hopeful for is to try again next month. New month, new hopes, positive outlook, and praying for the left side to win the draw this time! What I am happy and proud of myself for is being able to give myself that damn injection. I have never had to inject myself before, and it was freaking intense. When all was said and done, it wasn’t too bad. Not my favorite thing, but actually a whole lot better than the Crinone cream surprisingly!

This fertility journey has been nothing short of stressful, exhausting and frustrating, but I know it will be worth it all! I do believe I will be pregnant, just gotta keep trying! So that’s my crazy update thus far, and I have a feeling there will be MUCH more to come! 

The time has come

It’s show time! My head is spinning right now and I cannot stop smiling! I am officially starting my first IUI! It is so surreal, I can’t express into words how I am feeling! Last month, I went in for my preliminary ultrasound and they found a 30mm cyst on my left ovary, so they cancelled the IUI. I was thoroughly bummed about that, but I kept my head up and hoped for the best. Mid-cycle, I had quite a bit of cramping, and it was so hard not to fear the worst, that my cyst was growing. I knew that my period was right around the corner, so I decided to wait and see what the doctor said before making another appointment. I went in this morning wearing my ‘Hope is all you need’ shirt just for good measure. I took my place on the table, and held my breath as she looked around at everything during the ultrasound. After a long silence, she told me that it shrunk to just under 12mm, and it looked small enough for us to proceed as long as my estrogen levels came back normal. Since 8 this morning, I have been hoping and praying that my levels came back good enough, and trying to push all of the negative thoughts away from my mind. I got the call a half an hour ago that my levels look good, and I am all clear to start the Letrozole! I will be taking the Letrozole for the next five days starting tonight. Next Tuesday I have another ultrasound scheduled to check on my follicles and their size. If all looks good, within the next 2 weeks, we will actually be doing the IUI! I have never been this close to potentially becoming pregnant before! I am beyond excited to have this opportunity and as equally scared! I will be sure to update as I start this crazy journey! Here is hoping there will be a wee one in the near future!

Weathering the storm!

Not gonna lie, yesterday was a hard day! All week last week, I kept checking in anticipation for my period to start so I could start the process for IUI. Finally, on Sunday, Aunt Flow arrived just on time! This was the first time I was actually excited for it to come! I darted out of the bathroom grinning! I told D why I couldn’t stop smiling and he joined right in with me. It was official, we are on our way to the land of insemination! Yesterday morning, I called my doctor to set up the CD2/3 ultrasound for precautionary reasons to check that all looks okay, make sure I am not currently pregnant, and to get a full timeline for this month. They had a 9am, so I took it. Called my boss and was able to go in afterwards rather than driving to work just to turn back around and head to the doctors. I sat in the parking lot for a half an hour just listening to music and planning the dates in my head growing more anxious by the minute. It was finally time to go in! I jumped in the elevator and made my way towards the office. I did the usual workup and went to the examination room. My doctor came in, we briefly talked about why she is doing the ultrasound, talked about when to take the Letrozole, and then she began. Much to our surprise, I have developed a cyst on the left side of my ovaries. It is roughly 3 cm and decided to fuck up my day! Here I was, everything planned out in my head, FINALLY ready to get the show on the road, and then THIS! I was crushed! Tears filled my eyes as I laid there in disbelief of what was on the monitor. Because it is on my left side, the side she wants to use, and the fact that the Letrozle aids in the growth of these, my IUI was canceled. These things are completely normal and pretty common from what I have read. They typically hang around a cycle or two and the go away. I had an ultrasound the end of January, but it had not been checked since. So this cyst, this pain in my fucking ass, could either be on its way out, or it could be hanging around uninvited for the next few months! Unfuckingbelivable! I still haven’t quite sorted my feelings out on this! The very month we are to start this, and I have this lovely little cyst, smirking at me, saying ‘NOPE’, right in my face! It is so hard not to feel like this is an attack, like an intentional slap to the face. I tried so hard staying positive and turning it around yesterday, but it was so hard. So now, we wait! AGAIN! I have another wonderful 30 days of torture before we get to see if this little bastard packed his bags and hit the road, or if he is loafing off my ovary for another month! Praying every day that this goes away and I get to try again next month!

Last week was National Infertility Awareness week, and as I watched a few videos from a channel I subscribe to, I heard something I feel in love with. ‘Saying someone can’t be sad because someone else may have it worse, is just like saying someone can’t be happy because someone else may have it better.” This is something that I constantly battle with, especially yesterday. I was so incredibly sad, and a little angry. And I kept telling myself, it could have been worse. I could have an irreversible condition that leaves me totally infertile. It could be worse. Well, yes, it could be, but it also could be better. What happened yesterday was devastating to me, and I was sad. I absolutely had the right to be sad and cry and feel a little sorry for myself. And then move on. Anyone with infertility has the right to feel how they feel. No matter what you have that causes your infertility, it just plain sucks and you have the right to feel sad! You also have the right to feel happy. Anyone who has suffered through infertility and has made it through the light at the end of the tunnel with their bundle of joy has the right to be happy without feeling any guilt! Guilt is one of the strongest emotions I have felt through all of this. Guilt for having infertility in the first place, like somehow, I could have prevented this. Guilt for getting upset at something that still allows me the chance to conceive. I did something I didn’t think I would do last night. I took to my Facebook to release some of the guilt and frustration I had been feeling. This is what I posted:


So last week was National Infertility Awareness week, and I was going to post something about it, but i found myself feeling completely embarrassed that people would know that I suffer from infertility. For me personally, it makes me feel inferior as a woman, a failure, and like I am to blame for this. But the truth is, I am not. Infertility is just like any other illness out there, it doesn't chose based on looks, life choices or circumstance; it attacks with no rhyme or reason. This has been one of the hardest things I have gone through in my entire life, it is almost all consuming. It's typically discovered because you are unsuccessfully trying to have a baby and seek medical assistance. At that point, you already have a strong desire in your heart for this child. This is something I struggle with everyday and I am fighting the good fight! I decided to write this today because it was something that was in my heart and I didn't want to feel all of that guilt for having infertility or have it be something I was hiding. For anyone who is struggling with infertility, you are not alone and it is not your fault!

So anyone out there who may be reading this, I want you to know that you are not alone! Nobody can understand what we are going through except for those of us who are weathering this storm! It too shall pass!

Should be working......

Within the last few days, I have become extremely nervous, antsy, and very emotional. My upcoming monthly friend can be reason enough for most of it, but the fact that in about a month, I could very well be pregnant, has almost everything to do with my emotions! I am due to start my period in about 4 days. From there, I go in for an ultrasound to get the okay from my doctor, and then I start my meds. It is so surreal to be at this place in my life. I thought I was this close before, but ended up being miles away from it. Now I know exactly how close I am, and while it is ridiculously exciting, it is equally as terrifying! In a month, for the first time in my life, I could be pregnant! I think the thing that makes me the most nervous are success rates and whether or not it will work on the first try. I have this terrible habit of using Google for EVERYTHING! Google is a wonderful tool, don’t get me wrong, but when it comes to things in the medical field, it can give you horribly wrong information, or frankly, scare the living shit outta you! Always a fan of modern technology, but in this instance, I need to show some restrain and not Google every freaking thing about infertility and pregnancy! I spent countless hours last week perusing pages and pages of blogs, all from women who have gone through IUI’s hoping for some insight into this process or my success rates. There were so many combinations of people and outcomes, it really didn’t clarify anything for me! I pretty much learned that this process is not in my hands. Deciding to do it is all of the say I have in this matter. The doctors are responsible for the procedure, and it is up to God and nature for the rest to happen. All I can do is sit and wait. For an impatient person such as myself, this is torturous! I am ready for this to happen, for me to give it my all and hope/pray for the best! I am hopeful but also realistic. It may not happen on the first try, or possibly even the second, but I will not give up hope! I will be pregnant, and I will have a beautiful, wonderful, healthy and happy baby! For now, I wait. Better get used to this waiting thing! More updates to come on this grand adventure I am setting out on!

All Systems GO

Getting one step closer……got the all okay to do the IUI! D and I had our appointment with the doctor to discuss all of our test results and to come together to make a plan. All of my tests had come out great, considering my newly diagnosed condition. The only other foreseeable complication was that D was borderline on his count. He had about 16 million as opposed to the typical 20 million. Our doctor said that with both of those circumstances that we face, we could try on our own, it wouldn’t be impossible, just harder than most. She recommended that we highly consider the IUI, which I was all for! Our timeline as of now, is shooting for sometime in early May! I am already in the first week of my cycle, so we are going to time it for the next cycle, which happens towards the end of April.  I was instantly excited and a bit terrified! She walked through how the whole procedure will take place, which I liked a lot. I will take a drug similar to Clomid but that is not as concentrated. Since I only have half a uterus, she is worried about me conceiving twins, so lower dose means lower risk of multiples. I will take that drug for 5 days. After that, I will do an ultrasound close to ovulation that will show if my follicle looks good and is mature enough. If all looks good, I do a trigger shot (injection) that freaks me out, and a few days after the trigger shot, it is time for the IUI itself. D will go on the day of the procedure and give his ‘sample’. They will wash it and prep it so they are ready for the mighty swim and give it a little boost, like Red Bull for sperm! A few hours later, they will perform the IUI and inseminate me, hopefully resulting in pregnancy!

Ahhhh! This seems so surreal, I can’t believe I am finally going to do this! The fact that I get to do the IUI in the first place is like a miracle to me! Never thought I would be at this place in my life, at least this soon! I couldn't be happier! One of D’s friends had a baby this last week, and when we went to visit them in the hospital, D could not take his eyes off the baby, I swear he even got teary eyed! After we left the hospital, he talked about his excitement for our appointment and how he really wanted our baby! Was so wonderful to hear that and to feel his excitement! I often wondered if I am pushing him into this or getting him pumped up for something he really isn’t too thrilled with, but I now I know!  I am incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful man who not only loves me, but supports me, and chooses to share his love and life with me! This girl is truly happy and has a smile from ear to ear that won’t leave her face!

D and I decided to start a scrapbook of pictures from our fertility journey. So here is the first one. This is in our RE's office after we decided to go with the IUI! Never felt happier!

One Step Closer On This Long Journey

Well, one of the hard parts is done and over with, thank God! I went up a few weeks ago and had my Hysteroscopy done. I will say, it took way less time than I thought, but was a lot more painful than I had imagined. The procedure itself was extremely invasive and ‘uncomfortable’, as my doctor likes to put it. But, they got everything and the doctor performing the procedure said everything else looks normal! As soon as I left the facility, I cried. I had this overwhelming emotion take over my entire body that was relief mixed with happiness. I actually felt one giant step closer to becoming pregnant! That really was the icing on the cake to a wonderful weekend. Beforehand, my mother, D and I went up to Denver for the night and had a blast. We picked this awesome hotel that was in this up and coming area with a great shopping complex a few blocks away. We went shopping, ate munchies in our room, attended the happy hour with free food and drink in the hotel lobby, went swimming, watched movies, and awoke to a full breakfast bar and an extended check out time. I was feeling anxious and relaxed at the same time! When we got back home, I got pampered while laying in bed watching TV and reading. It was great, though not that I ever want to repeat that procedure again! So now, we wait, until next Thursday that it. I have my appointment scheduled for April 2^nd to go over all of mine and D’s tests and make a game plan for what to do next. I am equally nervous and excited! Hope all goes well and we can start something soon! Ahhh!! This is all so surreal! Makes me smile!

Things outside of the baby realm have been pretty good as well, just a bit crazy and busy, but I like it! At work, we moved into a new building that has been an adjustment, but allowed for some pretty awesome redecorating! I also had some surprise visitors last weekend, my family! My Aunt, Cousin, her 2 kids, and my Grandma came down from Arizona and spent 4 days with us. It got a little crazy at times, but all in all, it was a pretty great visit! Life has been pretty great, can’t complain too much, just hoping it stays this way, I could get used to feeling this happy and hopeful! :)

Test, Result, Repeat

Been a pretty crazy week, it's only Monday but wishing it were Friday already! Work has kept me on my toes the past few weeks, but hoping for a bit of  a slowdown. Had a pretty good week last week as far as baby making goes. Went in for some tests and discovered that I actually ovulate on my own! I was shocked to say the least! My prior OB had me convinced that I do not ovulate on my own and that I also have a Luteal Phase Defect, which I do not! Terrible doctor I never plan to go back to! I got the call a few days after my Day 21 test, and when she told me, I just cried! This was incredible news! We also received word that D's test came back great as well, though I already knew that since he has children, but was nice to know that he still has some good swimmers! And, I had my ultrasound that confirmed that I do in fact have both Kidneys! Feeling more complete than before! Now we move on to the next phase, my Hysteroscopy. I am going in a week from today to have the mass in my uterus removed. I am extremely nervous about how much pain this will cause. My doctor lovingly tells me it will be 'slightly more uncomfortable than the HSG'. If she thinks the HSG was only uncomfortable, I am terrified at what she considers to be painful! But I know that pain is only temporary and if this is what it takes to get me nice and preggo, I can deal with it! So that is where we currently stand with all of this. Once I have the Hysteroscopy, we make an appointment to go over all of the results from the multitude of tests taken and make a plan! Very excited to see where this goes! I am beyond blessed to have such a wonderful doctor who truly cares and will help us turn this dream into reality!

As far as normal life is concerned, things are going well! Work is hard but I am loving it! D and I have spent the weekend together shopping and watching movies, I felt so lucky to be snuggled up to this man and just enjoying life! Next weekend, we will take A to go see the Harlem Globetrotters and hopefully to see the new Sponge Bob movie, and then up to Denver we go! Hoping for a good week and a nice relaxing weekend!

Different Destination

I took this class in college that went towards my Early Childhood Education degree that was called, ‘The Exceptional Child’. This class was about children with special needs and taught inclusion in the classroom. We had this wonderful woman in one day to speak to us about the challenges her son with Down Syndrome goes through and how to incorporate his challenges within the classroom for him to be successful. She started the discussion with a letter she had written, it was called, ‘My Trip to Holland’. The synopsis of the letter was how she planned her trip to Paris (TTC), prepared for fabulous Paris by packing and boarding the plane (Pregnancy), but upon arrival, realized that she was in fact in Holland. Not quite her destination or what she had planned on, but still was an amazing journey that changed her life. A truly inspirational story that really helped me this week and was weighing heavily on my heart.

 I went last Thursday for my very invasive test, which is also known as an HSG. It is a test to see if my fallopian tubes were blocked, and if they were, it would unblock it and hopefully allow me to be successful in TTC or an IUI. I went in at 7:30am for the test. I will say, this test was far more painful than expected. Thankfully, it only lasted about 6 minutes. I finished up and headed back to work. I got a call about an hour later from my doctor who wanted me to go to her office so she could personally re-run the test as she saw an abnormality and wanted to check it herself. She sacrificed her lunch hour to get me in, so I nervously agreed. As I laid on the table going through another round of intense pain, my mind was racing with all of the possibilities this abnormality could be, and wondered if I could in fact get pregnant. After the exam, we headed to her office and she told me her findings. I was diagnosed with a Unicornuate Uterus. It is a rare uterine abnormality that happens in about 3% of the population. Essentially, as I was forming in the womb, my uterus never grew together like normal babies, it instead stayed as one and the other never formed. I have half a uterus and one fallopian tube. I do however, have two functioning ovaries, and a normal looking cervix. I also found out that it is typical for people with UU to have only one kidney, which I will get a scan of to confirm if this is the case. Along with all of this, I also found out I have a mass in my cervix and will need a Hysteroscopy to get it removed, as it is probably blocking anything from implanting. So what does this mean for conceiving? Actually, nothing. I can still conceive, it will just be a bit harder as I only have one tube and will have to time it with precise monitoring. I am also still able to go for an IUI which should help a ton! The concern now is what happens after I conceive. My chances of miscarriage are about the same as any other woman in early pregnancy, however, it increases as I get further into my pregnancy as I only have half the space for the fetus to grow. I would have to see a high-risk OBGYN to monitor me through the 2^nd and 3^rd trimester. I was at a loss for words and completely shocked at this news. Never in my life did I think that I could have such an abnormality. This news gave me perspective into the reasoning why I was having a hard time getting pregnant, and helped me reach the conclusion that I need to find another OBGYN. My RE is absolutely incredible and treats me not like a patient, but a friend. She tells me like it is, is truly concerned for me, and takes the time to thoroughly test and to listen/talk to me about my concerns. I am so angry at the time and energy wasted on my current OBGYN. I now know what a good doctor looks like! 

My life has now completely changed. I had just arrived in Holland. While I am still able to get pregnant, we have now been re-routed to a different path with a whole new set of obstacles. Would I change anything if I could? No. While it is a lot to take in, and now I feel more like a Frankenstein creature than ever before, I count myself lucky that it wasn’t anything more sever. I am still able to get pregnant, and there are a multitude of women out there who have my condition and go on to have multiple successful pregnancies and deliveries. I am feeling confident and hopeful. This may not be as easy as I thought it would be, I am ready for the challenge! I still thank God every day for the many blessing bestowed upon my life, and I know, in my heart, he will give me the desires of my heart! I just have to be patient and enjoy the ride!

On the road again....

This is all happening so fast, I LOVE it! To fill you in, I went to see the reproductive endocrinologist and the University of Colorado Advanced Reproductive Medicine on Thursday the 29^th. It was an extremely good visit, but my head is still spinning with everything that is going on! So we did our initial consultation where we laid everything out there. I left nothing out and she even counseled us on a few things I hadn’t thought of. I am in love with this wonderful doctor. She is so knowledgeable, so caring, and is extremely blunt, which is what we needed. She told me she wanted to do some testing before going straight to the IUI in case there were some underlying concerns or things that may prevent the IUI from taking. She got me immediately into a room to do a pelvic ultrasound to check that my uterus, cervix, and ovaries looked good and that there were no cysts. She had a slight concern as to if I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). After about 10 minutes, she said that all looked good. She scheduled a blood test for the next day and one for CD21 to check progesterone levels. She feels that I am likely ovulating on my own since I have normal cycles every month, but I kind of doubt that I am, so we shall see. I am also scheduled to do a HSG test tomorrow at 7am, this one has me worried not only for the outcome, but for the exam itself. The HSG is a lovely test where I am probed and prodded to check for fallopian tube blockage. I heard that it is quite painful, and even more so if they are blocked. But I also heard that sometimes, if they are blocked and the blockage is removed, that you can become ‘super fertile’. Again, we shall see. Got my blood test back today and everything looked good except for low Vitamin D levels, which I need a supplement for, and elevated Prolactin levels, which may mean that I am not ovulating on my own. A retest for this will be done on the same day as my CD21 test. Good news is that I was negative on PCOS, my insulin resistance level was normal! So this will be quite a month for testing! Uncomfortable and slightly painful, but all absolutely worth it! Once these are done and D has to give his ‘sample’ for an analysis, we will reconvene for a visit to go over everything and come up with a plan. So we could potentially be doing an IUI in the next few months!! Whoever reads this, please keep us in your prayers! I am so excited but equally nervous! I am so thankful that I get to be on this path yet again, and even more blessed for the wonderful man who is standing beside me through it! He has been incredibly encouraging and supportive, it amazes me! Even today, I told him over text that my invasive test is tomorrow, and he reminded me to take my ibuprofen like the doctor said before hand. The fact that he remember that, my lovely little absent minded love, was proof that this matters to him and the he was listening to every word. I am honestly so incredibly happy, I have this perma-grin on my face! So for now, I will be continuing down this road of infertility with hope and love in my heart and will be sure to give many updates as anyone who has gone through this stuff knows, it is a long journey, but will all be worth it in the end! 

Under Pressure

Where there is a will, there is a way, or so I hear. This process has been nothing short of complicated! We had a wonderful few weeks, and then the fertility crap kicked in again! I started up a new round of Clomid, which went well as it usually does, but this time, something unexpected happened that threw everything off. I usually test starting CD9, which I did, but at CD11, which is when I got my 'high' reading last month. But this month, I immediately went from 'low' to a 'peak' reading. I was shocked, so not missing a beat, we tried that day. But something was telling me to check again. My monitor automatically kicks into computer mode when it detects a 'peak' and displays another peak the next day followed by a high and then back to low. Everything has to be perfectly timed. I rely on that monitor as to when I ovulate as I need to take the Crinone, If I take the Crinone before I actually ovulate, it cancels out ovulation and ruins everything! So I went to the store and picked up one of the ovulation predictor kits, which I had never used before, and much to my surprise, I actually did NOT ovulate. I actually ended up ovulating 4 days later. The stress among other factors contributed to lack of trying during that time. Frustrated and exhausted from the planning, we decided to explore other options. I Googled Reproductive Endocrinologists and it turns out that a new one opened up in my city a year ago. I called, and found out that to do an IUI is only $300. That is basically what I am paying each month to just try on our own, so I figured, lets see if this makes a difference and made an appointment for next week! D is totally on board and we seem to be just as excited as the other person that this may be the answer. So our consultation appointment will help us to understand the process and to hopefully set a date! I can't help but to feel positive and so hopeful! I feel this may be the answer. Many updates are to follow!

We not only had this news to celebrate about, but we also celebrated our 2 year anniversary! We decided to have a mini celebration weekend. We started off the day exchanging cards and kisses. When I got home from work, D had his adorable little girl A pretend to be a flower delivery girl and delivered to me these beautiful bouquet of pink roses and purple daisies! We went out to dinner at Red Lobster and had dessert at our city overlook! The next night, we took A bowling and played some arcade games, and we finished it off on Sunday with a movie date! Wonderful weekend with the love of my life! Feeling so incredibly blessed and overwhelmed with gratitude for this life I have been given! Cannot wait for the little adventures life takes us on!

New year, renewed hope

We have entered into 2015, a year filled with new beginnings and lots of exciting adventures in store! I am feeling incredibly hopeful this year, which is a feeling I haven’t felt in a very long time! Over the last few years, I have gone through a transformation that changed my perception of life. Three years ago, I felt hopeful, content, and filled with ignorant bliss. I had no idea that things in life could happen to me. I had this false sense of security in my life, and felt untouchable to all the devastation and upsets that can happen to someone through the course of life. Why? I’m not exactly sure. I think we get caught up the day to day and we always look for the good in life to make the mundane seem worth it. But life happens. I was so shocked that I was the one that was cheated on. I was baffled that this happened to me, because I was so damn sure that it wouldn't, that he was such a wonderful man and treated me so well, that why would he ever hurt me like that. Well, like I said, life happens. I was cheated on, just like millions of other women and became a divorcee before the age of 30. Our 6 year marriage down the tubes! That changed my outlook on life, and put me into this realm of negativity. I walk around with this shroud of pessimism hanging over me, just waiting for these things to happen to me. It is much easier to prepare for them and expect them rather than to return to the optimistic person I used to be and get blindsided again. I now expect that every man, no matter how amazing they are to me, will cheat and destroy me. I think that to every good thing that happens in my life, bad things are sure to follow. But realistically, I cannot prepare for every scenario in life, and I have no clue what will happen in my future. I am sure there will be countless amazing and wonderful things that I will experience as well as a ton of horrible and devastating things as well. That is life. So this year, I am really trying to work towards changing that about myself. I want to take that shroud that has been holding me down and destroy it. I want to be that optimistic person that was full of hope and great expectations. Truth is, I have a pretty good life. By the grace of God, I am living this life, and I am enjoying every minute, even the terrible ones, because tomorrow is  a new day, another day I get to live on this earth and be surrounded by the love I have from my family and friends near and far. Here is to a new year, a new me, a new perspective, and new beginnings! 2015 will be the year to beat!