Feeling Good!

Just finished reading the last blog I posted, and wow, my mood has completely changed. I was definitely going through a funk a while ago. I am happy to say, I am out of that! The last month or so has been crazy busy. D changed jobs, and this one sounds wonderful, and I am hoping works out for him. He really deserves to have a job that appreciates who he is and showcases his potential. D’s daughter A has been doing rehearsals for a play about 2 to 3 times per week. We are a busy family! A’s mom, who is probably my least favorite person in the world, has been messing up so much that she is pretty much ensuring that she remains an every-other weekend Mom.This summer has kept me very busy! And I am sure the school season will be nothing less than busy. I volunteered to be a Brownie leader for A’s troop. I am super excited to take this on as I have loved teaching for such a long time, but the jump in pay is pretty massive, so it is nice to be able to keep my current job and teach at the same time!

Speaking of jobs….the reason I wanted to make a post was something that I did that I am quite proud of. A few months ago, we had these employee survey’s that came out that were to measure our thoughts of being an employee at my company. At the end of the survey was a box that was to be used for suggestions on what we thought would make the company better. Something told me to put a specific suggestion in the box, so I did. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted my suggestion to be more than just that, more than just a small comment on a survey. So, I did some research, created a whole presentation, and took it to my GM. I wanted to ask my company to consider adding Comprehensive Fertility Benefits to our benefits package. Much to my surprise, he thought it was a great idea and let me send it to our corporate HR representative for consideration. About an hour or so after I sent it to her, I got a call. She thought it was great and told me she just put in a request to the insurance company to see what it would cost. I was thrilled! It doesn't mean it will for sure happen, but just to have it considered is HUGE! Not only could it change my life, but it could potentially change the life of many others! So I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed and saying tons of prayers that this is more than a consideration, that we get a real change!

All in all, there have been many positive changes going on. I am even more excited than ever to see what the future holds! Remaining positive and hopeful! Much love and here’s to more good news coming your way!

Turning The Frown Upside Down

Hello Blog! Been a while since I have created one of you! Wasn’t really sure if I should write since nothing new has happened in the baby making process. I started my weight loss journey a little over 2 months ago, and I am currently at a standstill. I did really good for the first 3 weeks. I lost 12 pounds and was going to the gym between 3-4 days a week. I even tried Zumba for the first time! And then, I had a bad week of stress with my Grandma, and then the kiddo broke her ankle, and it has just been rough making myself go back to the gym! I have been able to maintain my 12 pound loss, so I am happy about that, but I am still so far from where I need to be. I was hoping by September I could try again, but now, I am not so sure.

Over the last few months, I have been facing depression, anger, and sadness hard core. I have really tried getting myself out of that space, but there are days where I can’t help but to give into the overwhelming emotions.

One of the things getting me down was my Grandma. I am so close with my Grandma, but unfortunately, she lives in Arizona. She was in the hospital about a  month ago for Pneumonia and a heart condition. She has since been released, and was doing better, except for the news she received from her doctor just recently. She really has no body to take care of her, and she lives alone. I am so worried about her and hate thinking that something could happen to her. I would be seriously crushed if I ever lost her. The family that lives near her, that was supposed to help her and take care of her, did the exact opposite. They used her, and stole from her. It is hard to hate the family that you once loved. I see them and I see nothing but selfish and disgusting people. They are the type of people who can do something like that, and then turn around and ask you for a favor. They use and abuse and it will never change!

Next on my list, A’s mom. Raising D’s daughter for the last year on our own has been a challenge. I love her so much and I have enjoyed so much of it, but it hasn’t been easy. A’s mom is an alcoholic who has a child abuse charge. She is currently sober (because of her probation) and took D to court for custody. We were all geared up for the trial, complete with a  full envelope of evidence to blow away any excuse she had why we were not competent and she was. Ten minutes before court, she appears with an attorney she hired two days prior. Because I was testifying, they sequestered me, or kept me away until my turn on the stand. As I entered, I saw D just looking devastated. I took the stand and was totally railroaded by her lawyer. Despite everything we had, the mom ended up with Saturday visitation, and two months from the first visitation, she was allowed overnights. D and I both agreed that where she is currently living and with whom, it was not a great idea for her to have overnights. So, we sought out an attorney of our own, and hired her. Turns out, among all of the chaos in the court room, we didn’t actually show our evidence. We filed it, but didn’t do the motion of presenting it into court. Not only that, but reading the transcripts from court, and the parts I missed, she actually lied on the stand. She said we only let her see her daughter one time in a year! That was completely false. We took her to see her mom at least 20 times in the last year. Not only that, but we made every effort to accommodate visits with her mom. It made me so angry! Angry that she could lie like that. Angry that she took all of our effort and kindness and threw it away. Angry that she got away with it! Since then, I have received messages about how I am nothing to A, how I have no business being in her life, and how terrible of a person I am. It makes me angry that I even tried at all. But then, I think about A, and I think about how important it is to show her to do the right thing, even if your efforts are for not. The person you are matters more than the outcome! I regret nothing!

The last thing on my list ties into the first two. I am tired. Just plain exhausted. I am sick of doing everything I possibly can and ending up stuck in the same rut! I am so tired of spending money on things when it doesn’t seem to matter. I have bill after bill from fertility treatments that never worked, adding insult to injury! It is a terrible feeling and a reminder that I failed! I hate looking around and seeing all of the pregnancies that I cannot seem to have. All I want is to be a Mom. I want to be pregnant, give birth, and raise a happy and wonderful child. Why does it seem so damn hard?! People lied. Having kids is not nearly as expensive as trying to make them! I hope that I can look back and say that this was all worth it! Right now, it feels like that possibility is getting further and further away.

Enough with all of the depressing banter. I am picking myself up and moving on. I am done feeling depressed, feeling angry, feeling sad. I need to get myself together and start thinking positively. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. But for now, I will slap a smile on my face, turn on some music, and distract myself with work! Deep breath, and……GO!

Trying Something New!

It’s been a while, nothing much has changed, but at least I am in better spirits. In the last month, I have had a lot of ups and downs, a lot of anger, depression, sadness, and confusion. It has taken a while to sort that out and come up with a  reasonable plan of action. First on the list was a trip to my doctors. I had my appointment on Wednesday for a consultation. She met me with kindness and understanding and some empathy. It made me feel nice and comforted. She asked me what I would like to do from here. I told her that I didn’t think IVF was something I could pull off right now. D has a new and better paying job, so maybe somewhere in the near future it could be an option, but not right now. I told her that if she thought it was worth a try, we could try another cycle or two with injectables and IUI. We both agreed that would be our course of action, but with a few modifications. She said that she thinks if I lost some weight, it might have a better overall chance of taking. We had a nice discussion about weight and its effects on fertility. It put things into perspective and gave me the drive and motivation I needed. So, my goal is to lose 50 pounds within 6 months. That, paired with some supplements and healthy eating are the new things we are going to try. So I will be taking time off from this journey to start a new health and fitness journey. I am kind of looking forward to it. Not only will I be healthier, but I can get new clothes, feel better about myself, and take a break from the craziness of trying to conceive. Both physically and mentally, this is what I needed. And I couldn’t be happier. I look forward to this journey, and I look forward to trying again soon. I think I will be in a better overall place and I already feel more hopeful. Things are starting to look up and not feel so chaotic. The smile is slowly returning to my face! :)

....

I just don’t know. I don’t know what to think, how to feel, what to do, or what will happen. I am confused, angry, frustrated, depressed, hopeless, lost, empty……

For the fourth time in my life, I am left with another failed IUI. And the pain and disappointment does not get easier. I went into this month feeling incredibly hopeful. I had not only one great follicle on my left side, but two this month! I felt great. The two week wait went good, other than the void of symptoms. The last two days I had been filled with nothing but doubt. Nothing up until this point has worked, so why should this. I guess I set myself up for failure, because surprise surprise, all three test confirmed my suspicion with the big fat negative!  I stood there, collected all of my wasted tests and garbage, crammed them into the trash, all while tears streamed down my face. I jumped into the shower and let the water wash away my shame, my failure, my pain.  I told the ones I love, not with words, but with a face that screamed disappointment. I was met with nothing but loving embraces and messages of hope.

Now, what do I do? I spent almost an hour at work reading post after post of women as desperate as I am for a little shred of hope that maybe, just maybe, the test didn’t pick up the pregnancy, and a few days later would change our fate. But what I read was post after post of desperation that ended in even more disappointment. They clung to that hope so hard, just wishing for a little break, but were left with broken hearts. I felt myself searching, just for the one story that was like mine that made me feel like there was still hope for this cycle. But I know the cold hard truth, there is not. It failed. I am not pregnant. But what do I do now? Do I try to collect myself and try for IUI #5? Do I take a break and hope for the best? I know that IVF is a pipe dream, unless I hit the lottery. My head is spinning and I feel like I have no direction or clue what to do or where to go. I have an appointment at the end of March that will be strictly consultation from my doctor, whom I know will have some advice for me. Will it be what I want to hear? Will I ever end up pregnant? It seems so ridiculous that getting pregnant is this damn hard! What seemed so easy as a teenager feels like the most impossible feat as an adult. The misconceptions of youth. I digress. So with no direction, no hope, and no seeming light at the end of this tunnel, I continue on with life as normal as possible until I get some clarity. Who knows what the future holds, I sure don’t. But I can hope like hell and pray with everything that I have that this will all work out in the end.

4 Days To Go....

Well, I am well over the half-way point for my two week wait, and I am not quite sure how I feel. Last month, I was taking Crinone gel after ovulation and it gave me a lot of symptoms of pregnancy, but it was really just side effects from the progesterone. That was probably a huge component to the devastation I felt when it didn’t happen. This month, I have been taking Endometrin, which is progesterone in a suppository form rather than the gel. The really great thing about that, is that it is a ton cheaper, and only has one side effect that I have experienced, sore breasts. I have a better idea of what to expect from progesterone meds than I did last month. But honestly, that is the ONLY thing I am feeling.

I am currently 10dpiui, and I feel absolutely nothing. It occurred to me last night that I am now halfway through my tww, which was great that I haven’t really been that focused on it, but it also left me feeling a bit depressed. I couldn’t shake this empty feeling, this feeling of impending failure. Surely, I should feel something by now. A twinge, heartburn, nausea, fatigue, cramping……but I feel nothing. I know that every woman is different, and for that matter, so is every cycle. It is still really soon to be getting bummed out about feeling nothing, but I just couldn’t get myself out of it. I went upstairs to take my contacts out and just cried. Friday, which is rapidly approaching, feels more like dooms day than it does a day of rejoicing. What would I do if all of these test showed a resounding NO? How do I keep myself from falling into a deep depression? Where do I go from there? I have spent so much money already, on two really great (best I have had) chances. Would I shoot for a third? Could I even afford another go around? I have a consultation scheduled with my doctor at the end of March, just in case this doesn’t work out, but I am not even sure if that will help. I know IVF has better odds and seems like the next logical solution, but that is more money than I can even fathom at this point, let alone get my hands on. And one thing is for sure, time is definitely not on my side. I am not nearing the end of my child bearing years, but the more time goes on, the smaller that window gets. These were all of the thoughts that rolled around in my head as I cried. I eventually calmed myself down, and went back down to cuddle up and watch some tv, but those thoughts haunted me throughout the night. I could hardly sleep.

Today has been a bit better; I have work to thank for the small sabbatical in my brain, but I do admit that a few thoughts have snuck in and tried to create some chaos inside. I just feel blah….not great, not bad, just blah. I am only 4 days away from uncovering my fate and it feels less likely that I will be celebrating and more likely that I will be wearing my sunglasses into work that day. I hope and pray with everything that I have and everything that I am, that this is it, that Friday will reveal that I am in fact, pregnant. 4 days to go…….

The Time Has Come!

The last week or so has been crazy busy to say the least. Between Girl Scout Cookie sales (A is in Girl Scouts), her counseling appointments, my doctor appointments, threats of layoff’s at D’s work, and my ever frustrating job, I am exhausted. But here we are, all prepped and ready for IUI#4! Even though this is technically IUI#4, I like to think of it as IUI#2. The first two realistically, were more like long shots and lots of prayers. I never had a good and mature follicle on the left side, I only had them on my right. These last few months, God has blessed me with great follicles on my left side, and I feel like these have been the best shots I could have asked for! My last appointment was yesterday morning, and it went great. The 2 follicles on my left side measured around 17.5mm and 14mm, so with the extra day of Follisitm injections, they should be around 19-20mm and 16mm, with a few small ones on my right. I will do the Ovidrel trigger shot tonight, and we go in on Friday morning for our IUI! I am feeling pretty great about it. I am going to try as hard as possible to not get my hopes up too high and to just remain positive and see what happens. But anyone who is TTC knows this is nearly an impossible feat. It is all I have dreamed about and worked so hard for, and for it to finally happen would be nothing short of a miracle! So to anyone who is reading this, please send lots of prayers or happy thoughts my way, I can use every single one of them! I will check back in with the progress of this lovely process!

We Got This!

Life has returned to its normalcy, or our version of normalcy at least. What I felt a few weeks ago was something I had not experienced before. Sure, I have had my share of disappointments, and have begun to get used to seeing the pregnancy tests negative result, but this was far more than that. I started out incredibly hopeful, but as the days progressed and I felt all of these different emotions and symptoms (thank you progesterone cream for providing the phantom pregnancy symptoms), I really thought that this was it. I was already making a check list in my head of all the things I needed to get done before “the baby” gets here. I now feel like a ridiculous person who, despite her best efforts, let her hopes get up way too high. When those pregnancy tests flashed my fate, I almost couldn’t breathe. I stood there in shock before the endless river of tears fell. I honestly felt like someone had ripped my heart out. The following days were somber and depressing. I couldn’t get it together, which is not like me. I tried so hard not to personalize it or to scrutinize every move I made to see if it was something that I could have done differently. I was slipping into a depression, but the love of my family and friends pulled me out of it.

I called the doctor last Friday when lovey AF started and marked my new cycle. I asked if I could get a consultation for guidance on what to do now. They informed me that since it was only my first cycle on injectables, that I could start another cycle with them, as long as everything looked good. So I made my appointment for Sunday. D was able to come with me to this one, which made me happy and put me at ease. I had my scan, and she said that everything looked good, no cysts, and lots of potential follicles on both sides. I was to start Follistim again that night. I asked her if it was common for it to fail when everything looked so good, and her answer was everything I was looking for. She said that even with everything as good as we could have hoped for, it is still a statistics game. Only 1 out of 5 tries works. So just because this one didn’t take, it doesn’t mean I did anything wrong, and it absolutely doesn’t mean that this one doesn’t have a shot, it just is what it is. She said it was absolutely reasonable to try this method again and hope for the best. Hearing it from my friends and family is great, but hearing it from a doctor just makes it feel much more credible and gave me the relief I needed. So as they say, try, and try again….and that is what we are going to do. I am now 2 days into my injections, and I am feeling good. I go in tomorrow for my scan to make sure things are moving in the right direction. I may have been down, but I am certainly not out!

Four Letter Word

In true fashion, nothing ever goes how I hoped it would. Fuck! That is all I can come up with to sum up my day! FUCK! I had a fabulous trip to Arizona to celebrate my grandmothers 80^th birthday. My mom, D and A accompanied me to the little getaway. We got down there, spent some well needed time with my family, had a wonderful dinner and just hung out the rest of the time. We arrived on Friday evening and left to come back home yesterday. I took today off of work so I could recover and get some cleaning and laundry done. I took A to school and dropped D off at work. I needed to make a grocery store run, so I stopped this morning to pick a few things up. I had been driving myself crazy thinking about if I was pregnant or not. I was feeling normal other than my breasts were sore, but for the most part I was feeling normal, except for yesterday. I started having a few cramps that felt like period cramps. I also had a full feeling in my lower abdomen. I started to worry that I was getting my period and became really doubtful. As I woke up this morning, I felt pretty normal. So, when I was at the store today, I picked up 3 different types of tests to take tomorrow. But then, I thought that it would be such a cute idea to take the test and if it was for sure positive, I would go get a cute onesie to surprise D with, so, I came home to take the tests. That was my first mistake, actually believing they would be positive. Just like every other time in my life, nothing but negative results crushing my dreams. I had never felt so betrayed and so hurt. I thought for sure that this would be it. I just knew I was going to be pregnant. FUCK! This feeling of failure, agony, sadness, longing, disappointment, frustration, depression, emptiness, and hatred has taken over today. I can’t keep it together. I have my friends telling me to hang in there, and they are sad for me, and showing me nothing but love and support. I have my wonderful love telling me not to give up, that even though we didn’t make it happen this month, we will make it happen. Then, my mom chimes in with the popular, I hope you are okay if it never happens, you may not be one of those who can have babies….thanks mom. I am trying my best to stay positive, hope for the best, and keep trying, but this is wearing me down. I don’t know how many more failures I can take. I feel like I am breaking. I am bummed I couldn’t come back here with some amazing and happy news, but this is not the end, I will keep fighting, and I will be a mom! FUCK!

Halfway Through The TWW....

I am almost halfway done with the two week wait. I haven't been nearly as stressed or preoccupied with it as I had been before. I have only been allowing myself to Google every so often, but have pretty much stayed off of it. Things around here haven't been as stressful, however, we leave to go to Arizona Friday and that place is like the mecca of stress! I will be trying to do a ton of praying and meditation to calm myself. As far as feelings goes, I have been feeling a little off. I started Crinone a day after my IUI, so it is tough to know if anything are early pregnancy symptoms or side effects from the progesterone cream. My boobs have been insanely sore the last 4 day, and getting worse every day. They feel full and super tender. The only other symptom I have felt has been extreme fatigue. I am normally a night owl. We typically go to bed between 11-12 pm every night and wake up about 6-630 am in the mornings. Friday, I went to bed at about 8 and then on Saturday, I went to bed at about 630 pm and woke up at 10 pm for an hour or so, and then back to bed and woke up at 11am. Again, not sure of how much is related to the meds, or just my body telling me to slow down, but I like to think that it could be symptoms! A friend of mine at work bought me a pineapple after I told her one day that they aid in conception/implantation, so I thought it was super sweet for her to think of me and to bring me one. I cut it into fourths, including the core, and ate one fourth of it each night starting two days after my IUI. I also like to think that it had a hand in helping this little one to stick. That is pretty much it for now, just more waiting and praying! I hope to be able to post some amazing news soon.....in the mean time, lots of prayers and well wishes are always welcome!  

Ready.....Set.....Implant!

Well, IUI #3 was a go! I woke up yesterday feeling excited and nervous! As D and I were leaving the house, my mom stopped me and gave me a big hug and told me congratulations on my conception, lol! I thought it was a lovely sentiment and made me feel really good! We got to the clinic at 7:30 and got D ready for his deposit! I had to run him to work after and made my way back by 9. I sat in the parking lot listening to music and praying. A song that I absolutely loved came on, “Be Alright” by Belle Histore. Some of the lyrics are, “I know someone’s watching over me, and it will all be alright.” It was the perfect song to calm my nerves! I began to feel hopeful and excited! I walked in feeling great! As I waited in the waiting room, I got a couple texts from some of my best friends wishing me luck. It put a smile on my face! Soon after, I made my way to the room and waited for my doctor to come in. With the wash, they were able to put in about 8.8 million motile sperm. I felt pretty good about that number. And in a flash, it was in and I was left to an empty room to wait 10 minutes and let them take their mighty journey. I laid there praying, wishing, singing, and breathing. There was nothing left to do but to hope and pray with everything I have in me that this is it, this is the day I conceive my miracle! The timer dinged and I was ready to leave. I just felt amazing! This time has felt different than the times before. I don’t know how to explain it, it just does. I feel more hopeful, uplifted, and excited than times past. I have such amazing support and love from all of my friends and family, and received it throughout the day. My mom called and said she wanted to take us out to a celebratory dinner last night, so we went to Dickey’s…..how’s that for irony ;) We even told A that we were trying and hoping that we would have a baby soon, and she was ecstatic! The entire day was just absolutely wonderful! I hope and pray that I just conceived our child, because I want to be able to tell him/HER that the day she was conceived was filled with love, positive thought, and pure happiness! I just couldn’t have got any better! So today is day one of the dreaded two-week wait. I started Crinone gel just as a precautionary measure approved by my doctor to hopefully help things progress beautifully. I will continue to eat healthy, and live a healthy and better life in the mean time. I hope to post some great updates soon! And if anyone reading this can please send along happy/positive thoughts, prayers, and love this way, it would be greatly appreciated! We need all of it we can get! 

Is The Third Time A Charm?!

I was full of smiles and good feelings as I left my appointment on Sunday morning. I felt to nervous going in, wondering and hoping that my left sided miracle had grown even more. I got my blood draw and then headed in for the ultrasound. My primary doctor was able to do the scan this time. She said my lining looked great and I actually did have a few small follicles on my right side, but my left side was for sure the dominant. It measured out at about 17.5mm and was looking good. She told me to do one more day of 125 IU of Follistim and do my trigger shot Monday night at 9pm. We are set to do our 3^rd, and hopefully final, IUI Wednesday morning at 9am! I am so freaking happy, excited, nervous, and every other emotion in between! As I was setting up my IUI appointment, the nurse told me that my doctor told her that this was the one, she could feel it. That just made me cry a little and smile ear to ear! I feel so incredibly happy and insanely nervous all at the same time. It is hard not to get your hopes up. When you have been dreaming, wishing, hoping, and praying for one thing and you get so close to it, it is hard not to let your guard down and think that this may actually happen. So now, more than ever, I need every last bit of good luck, thought, and prayer anyone can give that this is successful and results in a healthy pregnancy that leads to a happy and healthy baby! More to come soon!!

A Little More Hope And A Pep In My Step!

Well, my appointment went better than expected, and I am stoked! My appointment was around lunch time, and I was so nervous, I couldn’t even eat this morning. I got to my doctors, and got a little worried as the nurse didn't want to do a blood draw right off the bat like she normally does, and it made me worry. I let all the bad thoughts enter my brain and tell me that they did it that way because they may cancel the cycle and decide to not go any further, so why waste the draw. I sat in the room with a splitting headache just waiting, feeling like it was the longest wait ever! The doctor came in and then it was go time! She said my lining looked great, and from the looks, she thought my estrogen level went up. She went to my right side, and there were 2 tiny follicles, which kinda of made me smile, because for the last nearly year, the right side has had all of the glory, yet, none of the tubage! Then she went to my left side, and this is what truly made me smile; the follicle on my left side grew! It was declared the dominant and went from 10mm to almost 15mm!! My E2 level was 173! I was so freaking happy! The Follistim has done a fabulous job! I go back Sunday morning for a final ultrasound measurement and blood draw. If all looks well, we will schedule the IUI for either Tuesday or Wednesday! I left that office feeling like I was on top of the world, despite my horrendous headache that I can only take Tylenol for, yuck! I am trying so hard not to get my hopes up too high, but I feel so damn happy! I feel really good about this, and hope and pray that this is the month I get nice and preggo! So please, whomever is reading this, please send lots of happy thoughts and prayers this way, I need every single one of them!! What a wonderful way to start off the weekend!! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and I will update you soon :)

A Fun Surprise and some more hope!

So my appointment on Tuesday wasn't too bad. I had a nice little surprise from my doctor; the ultrasound revealed that my dominant follicle appeared to be on my left side! That was a shocker! In the nearly year that I have been doing this, I have yet to have had the dominant appear on the left side. It was a happy little turn of events. She said that they were a tad on the small side. The one on my left measured at 10mm and the one on my right was around 8mm. She said that with the Follistim, I should hopefully grow about 2mm a day resulting in a follicle measuring around 18mm, just the right size for IUI. Here is the downside…my appointment on Sunday showed an E2 (Estradiol/Estrogen)  number of 56, which is on the low side, so they upped my dosage from 75 IU to 100 IU. My appointment Tuesday showed the same number. She said that it should have at least doubled by now, so they upped my dosage to 125 IU. My next appointment will be tomorrow(Friday) morning. Because I am a Googler, I of course have been spending countless hours reading and researching various topics that cover what I am going through. I have seen articles or message boards of women who have had success with Follistim who had low numbers such as myself. They have praised the low numbers saying it helped them achieve a stronger follicle/egg and had a healthy baby. Then, on the other side of the spectrum, there are women who have had cycles cancelled because of the low numbers, and have said that their body didn't react well to Follistim. All of this makes me super nervous. I will be able to get a better idea of which direction we are heading after tomorrow’s appointment. I will get to see if there has been growth of my lefty miracle, and compare my levels of E2 since my dosage has been upped. I need lots of prayers and fingers crossed for tomorrow’s appointment. If all goes well, I will be heading down that little IUI golden road! More to come soon! :)

Nearly halfway there!

I am now about half way done with my injections. It has been going pretty well, surprisingly. I was incredibly nervous as I sat through my training, there are a ton of steps and the fact that I had to jam a needle in my person took over any thought or question I had for the nurse. When it came time to start, I locked myself in the bathroom, put on some music, took a deep breath and began. I took my time trying to remember each step, and then it was time for the part I was dreading the most. I took the pen, slowly pushed it in, pushed to release the meds, and pulled it out. It was an odd sensation and after it was over, I realized that it actually wasn’t that bad. I have had 5 injections, and it seems to get easier each time. I have only bruised myself once, thank God! I started out CD3-6 at 75 units and when I had my appointment yesterday, they upped it to 100 units until I go back tomorrow to get a new dosage and check the progress. My appointment yesterday came with an ultrasound, but she said that it was still a bit too early to tell if my left side is responding to the meds. I hope that I will find out that it is tomorrow, I have been super nervous about that! Even though the injections weren’t nearly as bad as I thought, I still don’t want this all to be for nothing. I hope and pray that my left side responds and gives me at least one fantastic and dominant follicle! Two would be even better, but I will settle for the one! I will post more updates as I continue on this crazy journey!

Now, on to some awesome news! This past weekend was mine and D’s third year anniversary! We celebrated by having a nice little getaway in town at a pretty awesome hotel followed by dinner and this really kooky restaurant called The Rabbit Hole that is themed like Alice in Wonderland. It was perfect! We spent the day and a half cuddled up and enjoying each other.  I would have to say, that the highlight of it all was the amazingly sweet gift that he gave me. He gave me a promise ring. When he brought it up one day, I made a joke that it seemed so high school, but when he teared up a little, I realized he was serious. I had an idea it would be coming, but I was so surprised at how beautiful it was and what he said. He told me that this was a promise ring, a promise to always be there for me, to never hurt me, a ring that shows that I am the one he wants to spend his life with, but more importantly, a place holder for the ring that we wants to get me, but needs to save up for. I thought it was incredibly sweet and just made my night! I love this man and can’t believe how happy he makes me and how blessed my life is! Here is a pic of this lovely ring:

Welcome to 2016!

A New year is upon us and I have the renewed hope I was longing for! I started off 2016 with a positive attitude and a resolution of living better. Making better choices, eating better, being a better person, and being in a better place spiritually and mentally. On New Year’s Eve, I had the chance to face someone who caused some hurt in my life, and she looked at me and apologized, and I was able to forgive her. That set the course for the start of the new year. A renewed relationship and a weight lifted off my shoulders. I had a hard time with a family member recently, and said some things I am not proud of, and I realized, that if I am going to live this better me kind of life, I need to swallow my pride and apologize. You get the family you are born into, and no one is going to be perfect, but you still love them no matter what. I also started off the new year eating better. I figured that if I want my body to treat me good and get nice and pregnant, I need to treat it better. It is hard, but I feel pretty good about myself. I feel great about the start of 2016 and I feel hopeful and blessed. I know we are only 13 days in, but it’s been a good 13 days.

Now on to the baby stuff; today, I had my first doctor’s appointment in over a month. Last month I had a crazy messed up cycle that threw everything off, and while it bummed me out, I just took a  deep breath and hoped for the best. I started my cycle on Monday and happily put in a call to my doctor. This morning, I went in for my CD3 ultrasound and blood work. The cysts that were on my right side and on my left were completely gone! Not only that, but my lining looked great and she even saw a few follicles starting to develop on my left side! I was ecstatic! I got the go ahead to start my Follistim injections tonight. I am on them every day until I am close to ovulation where I will have another ultrasound, and if it looks good, take the Ovidrel trigger shot. And then we are on for IUI #3. All really great and exciting news that has put a smile on my face! I am trying not to get my hopes up too high, because we all know what a rollercoaster ride infertility can be, but I am still remaining hopeful and positive. This weekend, D and I will be celebrating our 3 year anniversary, and this will be another small victory we can toast (our non-alcoholic drinks) to! That is all I have for today, and with any luck, I will get to post exciting updates soon!