Living life and loving it

Feeling incredibly antsy at work so I thought I would take a break and do an update. Things have been going pretty well lately! Dealing with the ex-husband hasn’t been too awful, there are definitely moments where I am so thankful that it’s over; those moments usually being the ones where he is incredibly immature or just plain rude and hurtful. But as far as the divorce proceedings and the progress, we have been moving right along. It took a good few months of begging and pleading, but he finally agreed to sign the house over to me, so I will be focusing on that for a while. I qualify to carry the loan on my own but found out last week that I will have to come up with the appraisal fee of $500. That news shocked and devastated me. Since he left me with all of the bills, any savings I once had has since been depleted and I have nothing extra. My saving grace was the fact that since we get paid every other Friday, there are two times a year where we get three checks, and May happens to be that month. It really worked out perfectly! As far as the division of property, we seem to be pretty amicable about it all, the only thing I am having a hard time with is parting with our dog Zero. I love that pup so much, he has been such a great companion through this all and it sucks that I have to lose him, but I agreed to it in order to keep the house. At this point in time, I am okay with how everything is going on that front, and cannot wait until it is all over. This has been the worst experience of my life, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Things with D have been going remarkably well! I have used the L word, which in itself is a miracle because I never thought I could have those feelings again. We get along really well and I love the time we spend together. He is such a joy to be around and really brightens up my days. It is strange how fast this has all gone and even more strange when I think about the short amount of time it’s been that we have been together. I never would have thought in a million years that I would be with anyone so soon after, or that I would have such strong feelings for him.  I sometimes reflect and think about how silly it is and start to question myself and my intentions…am I doing this for the right reasons? Do I really have feelings for him or is he filling a void? Do I see long-term things for us? And the answers always amaze me….I really do have strong feelings for him, while it may fill a void, that is not the purpose for being with him, and I really can see things progressing and going long-term. There are a few things that drive me crazy, but there are far more things I love about him and they outweigh the bad by a ton! Very excited to see where this goes and am having an incredible amount of fun while doing so!

The only thing I still struggle with is the baby thing….my desire is there and stronger than ever to be a mom. I constantly think about it, dream about it, and spend most of my time googling things about it. My biggest fear is never know what it will be like to see that test come up positive, to never experience pregnancy or delivery, to never hold and look into the eyes of something I created, or to never know the purest form of love between a mother and her child. I have always known I was going to be a mother…but as time flies by, I really start to question whether or not that will be true. I pray every day that one way or another, I will be a mother, and I know God knows the desire in my heart….I just have to have faith that it will happen! But for now, my insatiable need is slowly taking over my life and I am allowing it! J I am taking it day by day and just living my life the way I want to, and having a blast while doing so!

 

Greater things are ahead

Through all of my depressed moments, there has been one thing that constantly pulls me out, and that is my desire and passion to be a mother. That is why my decision was so easy....by November, I am going to start the insemination process using a donor! I made the decision because I am tired of waiting! I thought about this month's ago, but threw the idea out because I thought about what a selfish decision I would be making. I would be bringing a child into the world without a father and that alone would make them miss out on so much. So I kind of buried the idea and let it go until I had an amazing conversation with one of my best friends. I told her my idea and how silly I thought it was but she didn’t think so. She asked me why I felt like they would be missing out and I explained the disappointment I had with my father basically abandoning me and not caring enough to be in the picture. She asked me if there was anything besides abandonment that I felt or if I has specifically missed out on anything. I sat there reflecting and I couldn’t think of anything. My mother had been both mom and dad to me, and I had so much love, laughter, good times, encouragement, and compassion that it felt like 2 people. She helped me realize that even though I would be doing this without a man; there wouldn’t be that feeling of abandonment because there would never be a man in the picture. The child would always know where they came from and there would be more love than they would know what to do with. There were upsides to this as well….the child would be solely mine, I wouldn’t have to deal with custody drama, and if somewhere down the line I have a stable and loving relationship, that man could always adopt that child. I became instantly excited and equally obsessed. I have had mixed reactions from this, but I think all in all everyone would love and support me and the child. I know for a fact that I have an amazing support system and that helps solidify my decision even more! So for the time being, I am going to continue weight loss, and prepare my body and bank account for the upcoming procedure! I cannot wait!

If Only...

It has been a little rough the past few days….It is so hard to think about my future without feeling overwhelmed, lost, confused, and just plain hopeless. I do have a lot going for me, but for the things that really matter to me, I am getting further and further away from that goal. I want children more than anything in the entire world, and I am really starting to get scared that it may never happen. I will be approaching 30 in a year and a half, and I have yet to even be pregnant. Not only do I have to worry about finding that man I love, marrying him, and hoping he wants a family as soon as I do…but now I am in a race with my declining egg supply and peak fertility. This thought terrifies me more than anything. I am almost tempted to just say fuck it, throw caution to the wind and see if Mr. D’s swimmers are as good as he says. I know that is a completely selfish and irresponsible thought, but at this point in my life, I am so tired of following the rules and doing things the ‘normal’ way. What has it done for me thus far?! I mean, just a few months ago I was thinking about sperm donation…why not pocket that money and take what is in front of me. He is a great guy with a good heart and makes some pretty adorable children. It’s that whole baby brain thing….once you have it, it is near impossible to think logically or clearly when the end result is a child that is wanted so desperately.

 Lately, I have been clouded with thoughts of my past. I get these clear images of moments in time that seem so real that I feel like I have slipped into a time machine and am reliving them. Last night I kept going back to the moment we stepped into our home for the first time at the open house. I had a crappy attitude about the location and was less than enthused to see the house, but as soon as I walked in, I was transformed. It was beautiful and simple, yet was everything I was looking for. The moment I knew it was going to be our home was when I walked into the kitchen and saw my husband with his eyes lit up and a huge smile spread across his face as he was fixated on the tree house in the back yard. I had an image flash across my mind which showed a glimpse into the future I longed for….him and the children playing outside and in the tree house as I made breakfast and watched blissfully from the kitchen window. I can still feel the immense happiness and hopefulness that filled my body. I couldn’t wait to snatch this up and create our little bit of heaven. I just knew this was the start of our dreams turning into reality. If I had only known…

 I think of things that could have been, that should have been and can’t help and feel deeply saddened….I almost had it all. It almost seems like such a cruel joke to dangle everything I have ever wanted within my reach and snatch it away almost instantaneously. One fell swoop and everything was gone. I know there is a chance I could still have it all, but things will never be the same. I will never feel the way that I did that day. But on the other hand, I guess I will now view things differently and not take anything for granted. I just assumed that life was that good, that I could have everything I have ever wanted just like that. I wish I could go back to that time, even for just one day. I would hold my husband tightly, cover him in kisses, tell him endlessly how much I love and cherish him, and take in every feeling, every smile, every word and be infinitely happy…even for just one day. I wish I had known how close I was to losing everything, because maybe things would have been different.

Neverending pursuit to happiness

Today was one of the hardest days I have had in a while. My first court date for the divorce was today, something I was not looking forward to. Up until Saturday, we had been getting along pretty well and have been able to be around each other without any fights, it was actually quite pleasant…but we got a little snippy with each other and that lead to both of us saying hurtful things and leaving our newly built odd relationship in shambles. That made my upcoming court date something I was dreading. I had a dream last night that we ran into each other in a hotel in Vegas and ended up hooking up and talking things out and decided to give it another shot. Waking up to the devastation that it was just a dream should have been my first clue to how the day would go. I got to the courthouse and as I entered the room, I saw him sitting at the table. I sat across from him, not saying a word and only made eye contact once. About 15 minutes into it, I began to think about things and became emotional. As tears filled my eyes, I could feel him looking at me, and when I decided to look up, he covered his eyes with his hands. I wanted so badly to say something but didn’t know what. I finally got the courage to approach him and ask him if this is still what he wants…his reply was ‘yes’ and ‘we are both happy, so why not?’. I replied that I was not happy and would give anything for another chance to which he replied ‘no thanks’…I was crushed! I tried my best to not let my hurt show but it was near impossible. We went into the room with the court official and got a briefing of upcoming dates. As I sat there trying hard to focus on this guys words and not the tears welling up in my eyes, I failed, and they were streaming down my face. 15 minutes later, we were on our way. As soon as I left the room, I lost it. I cried all the way down the hall into the restroom. I composed myself as best I could and made it out to my car. It was absolutely awful! I love this man so much more than he deserves, and really, it’s my own fault that I got hurt today, I should have known how cold he would be. This really is the beginning of the end, and I have to accept that. I only really have to deal with him a few more times until this is over, and it will be hard, but I have to stop hoping that things will change, that he will change, and that this can be fixed. It needs to be over. Truly over!

 

I just feel so lost in life. I have a great job and wonderful friends and family, but there are things that keep pulling me down. I am now the only person in the house with a job again, and it sucks! Before, I had a savings that we were living off of, and now, there is nothing. I am really scared and don’t know what to do. Not only that, but I am not getting any closer to having a child and I really do fear that it will never happen. It would totally be karma that as much as I have thrown the fact that my ex couldn’t have kids in his face, that I will be the childless one. My ten year reunion is coming up next month and what do I have to show for my life…no children, and a failed marriage. I am a failure! I just want life to be good again. I don’t mind struggles, but this is ridiculous! I don’t ask for much in life, I live simply and expect nothing…I just want more than anything to become a mother but I can’t seem to make that happen. I just want to run away for a while….run from my bills, my relationships, my problems, and focus on me. I want to be happy again! Since that is not in my immediate future, I will resort to a bottle or bottles of wine! Here’s hoping that it takes me out of this funk!