Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

When it rains it pours! I feel so completely defeated this week and I cannot figure out how to get out of this funk! I have been feeling under the weather the past few days which probably started my mood. I haven’t been feeling great about my body and my lack of activities like walking or the gym, so that doesn’t help. My mother, who was staying with us, left for Arizona this weekend and I already miss her like crazy. I stayed home yesterday to get some rest and hope that I felt better and I ended up watching 2 hours of baby shows that left me feeling anxious, longing, and hopeless. The hubby and I hit a few rough patches, though things are getting better, it still makes me feel icky inside. Then to top it all off, I made a huge mistake at work that cost the company a large amount of money, and I got a nice lecture as I walked in this morning. Not a great day to say the least! However, I still felt the need to vent my frustrations, it was a far better choice than sitting at my desk and bawling like I wanted to. Thank you for lending your ears and eyes.

All things relative

Paranoia is setting in every time I see a female Facebook friends status that contains the words “overjoyed”, “unexpected and excited”, or “wonderful news”. It almost always means they are pregnant, or at least it has been that way for me! I do not want to see any more updates of people getting pregnant unless it is my own! That has to be the biggest unintentional slap in the face. It simply blows! So when I saw a frenemies update about how unexpected her news was and then directly after that I see about ten emoticon smiley faces, I have to assume, she is knocked up! I don’t know how I am going to deal with another pregnant chick, let alone her! I am sure she feels that way about me, and I know I must sound completely selfish, but come on! It is this crazy baby brain I’ve got going on… anything and everything baby affects me in some way. I stare intently at pregnant women, especially the ones that look like they are going to pop at any minute, I bawl like a baby at those labor and delivery shows, I gawk at little babies while cooing without even realizing I am doing it, and I basically just assume that every woman at every minute is thinking about babies like I am. I am freakin crazy, but at least I can admit it. I mean, I even started a blog for god sake! I think this is how teenage boys feel about sex and women. I literally cannot stop thinking about pregnancy and babies, it’s like a sickness. I fear the only cure for this is pregnancy, so to that I say….BRING IT ON!

Judgement Day

I have a really bad habit of judging others who have children. For example, the hubby and I took my mother out to dinner at Olive Garden Friday. There was a table across from us that had about 8 adults and 5 children. During the course of an hour and a half, these children were screaming, running around tables and under tables, throwing breadsticks, and dumping salad all over the place. The adult were literally ignoring them. One was on a cell phone and the others were talking as if no children were present. Not only did it completely ruin our dining experience, but it also made me upset and really sad for those children. There was absolutely no acknowledgement of those children, no interaction, NOTHING! It felt like those kids were just accessories. I don’t blame the kids, I blame the parents. Why do they even have children if they are going to ignore them? And what is it going to be like for them later in life if they don’t even know basic manners or behaviors? That night also made me think about my cousin. She is 21 years old and has an adorable 4 year old and 9 month old. The 4 year old is having trouble speaking, saying the alphabet, and counting. These are all things a typical 4 year old should know. The reason…pure laziness! I know for a fact that she never gets one on one time, she is never challenged, and they never work with her on basic fundamentals. It is just so depressing. Why in the world does she want these children? They are not pets, you don’t just feed them and then put them in front of a television. They need attention, love, respect, a teacher, and a mother. It is so frustrating! Just takes me back to the question I ask myself nearly every day…why do some people, like my cousin, get to have children who don’t really want them or want to care for them, and then others who will do anything for them, they are empty handed? Just one of the many mysteries of God I guess.

The Scarlet Letter

As expected, that pesky little Aunt Flow decided to show up. I took it a lot better than I thought I would despite the many hours I spent Googling and researching. I had hoped that this would have been it, that we would have our prayers answered, but I guess it just wasn’t our time this month. I knew the chances of us conceiving naturally were slim to none, but I am still holding out hope! The bright side to this is that all of the injections that my dear hubby has given himself have a purpose. I would have felt horrible if he was taking them for no reason. So this month, I will get back on the saddle so to speak and start all over again. We will continue to try and pray for it to happen naturally, but realistically, we are looking probably sometime next year, and hopefully, it will be with IUI. For now, we will just continue to have fun, enjoy our new king size bed and my hubby’s increased libido from his injections. I feel like I have a better attitude and outlook than I did last month because I really feel in my heart that this treatment plan is going to work and by this time next year, we will be holding our little bundle of joy, or bundles if I had my way! Tonight, it is date night! Happy Friday to all!!

Testing Testing 1..2..3..

Well, I caved in and tested this morning, and ya know, I will never get used to seeing a negative result. It is an absolutely horrible feeling. In your head, or at least in mine, I imagine what it would be like to look down at that little stick and see all of your hopes, and dreams come to life. I imagine looking into my husband’s eyes and telling him that his dreams have come true, and telling my mom that she will be a grandmother. I think about all of this in the 3 minute wait, and as soon as I look down, they all shatter around me. All I am left with is a broken heart, a sick feeling, and a stick that I had peed on. I honestly feel numb at this point. I know that there is still a possibility that I could be pregnant and I was just testing early, and there is still a possibility that I could get my period. I just want something to happen, ANYTHING! I don’t want to be in limbo, that terrifies me more than anything. I just keep thinking about the “what if’s”. What if I didn’t get my period and all of the cramping is something more serious? What if there is something wrong that prevents us from continuing forward on this journey? What if this is the start of more health problems? All of this is making me sick! I am finding it so hard to stay positive! I just want that stick to show a positive for once in my life! Why does this all have to be so frustrating and hard! I just feel so defeated today, and this rainy weather is not helping! I hope that there will be light at the end of the tunnel, just pray we get there soon! Don’t know how much more of this I can take!

One day at a time

I am now officially one day late. That may not sound like a milestone, but for over a year now, I have been ridiculously regular. I am either a day early or on time. I am not sure what to do or how to feel. My theory has always been this; my goal is pregnancy, if I miss my period due to the fact that I am pregnant, it would be the best news ever, but if I do have my period, at least I know that I am having them regularly and I can continue my cycle and try again next month. So not having it could mean one of two things… either my miracle has happened and I am preggo, or my cycle is screwed up and that is another thing I can add to the list of things going against us. I am so confused and my emotions are everywhere. I want to remain hopeful and let myself believe that this could be it, but I also feel like at any moment the bottom could drop from under me and crush my hopes. So do I risk disappointment and test early, or do I wait and drive myself even more insane? Really, the only thing I can do is take it one day at a time and either hope and pray that I am pregnant, or if I am not, hope that my period comes so I can get back on track. I will probably break down and test anyway, risking disappointment since I am going to drive myself insane either way. As I said, I am extremely impatient!

Side note, the hubby started his HCG injections yesterday, and holy crap was it intense. I told him I would give it to him, but he insisted on doing it himself. After a 15 minute stand-off with the needle, he did it! I cried for the both of us! He did wonderful, but I hate that I am putting him through this. He is absolutely amazing and I am so lucky to have him. I am so grateful that I have him through all of this. I don’t know what I would do if I had to do it alone! I love him so much!

P-day, D-day

I truly feel like I am going insane! Today is the day that I am supposed to start my period, and so far nothing. If you think I dealing with this well, I hate to inform you, but you are very wrong! I am struggling to keep my sanity. For nearly a year, I have been either on time, or a day early as far as my cycle goes. Granted, the day is far from over, but this is making it extremely hard to focus and even more difficult not to get my hopes up. This weekend, I have had heartburn, sore boobs, extremely tired, and a dull ache in my lower back. I started having cramps yesterday, so I thought for sure I would get the lovely arrival this morning, but nothing. Today, I still have the dull ache and more cramping, and again, nothing. I will tell you though, that nearly every time I go to the bathroom, I close my eyes and hold my breath that the tp comes out clean. I want to believe that this could be it, but I feel that if I give into any of that hope, that I will be devastated beyond belief, and I just don’t want to go through that. So here I sit, giving into my Google temptations and pouring my heart out to the blogging world, praying that by a miracle of God, I am pregnant. I can’t think of anything else I would rather have then to be blessed with a little bundle of joy! So I am crossing my fingers, wishing on stars, praying to God that we finally get the news we have been dreaming of! We shall see..........

What to expect when your at work

So probably not the best idea, but far better than going to see The Odd Life of Timothy Green (bawl fest), is reading What To Expect When You’re Expecting. I went to a yard sale a month ago, and a lady was selling all the books she owns for a quarter a piece. I bought What to Expect and What to Expect: The First Year as more of a good omen than a good deal. The hubby and I called it a night pretty early but I couldn’t fall asleep, so I grabbed the book and started reading. Not only did it make my desire to be pregnant grow, it also put a ton of worries and concerns on the forefront of my mind. So by the time midnight rolled around, I was wide wake thinking about all of the symptoms I am going through, how badly I want to be pregnant and not have to go broke doing it, and now all of the things that could go wrong if I in fact was pregnant. That was the cause of the lack of sleep last night.

 

I also want to take a minute and say that my work should really put a restriction on internet usage! Because of the fact that I can look at anything I want whenever I want, I got very little work done! I think I spent more time Googling things related to pregnancy than I have doing actual work. I may actually be on information overload. So confused, tired, crampy, and all around grumpy. I can’t wait to get home, get in my jammies, and read some magazines while the hubby watches his Cowboys!

High hopes result in broken promises

The human mind, or less vague, my mind can be a tricky thing. It can sway your mood, convince you of things that may or may not be there, and can make you feel absolutely crazy. I pretty much experience this every month. While I am told that it may be nearly impossible to conceive naturally, I still hold out hope for that miracle. So as a new cycle approaches, I then jump back into my habitual self torture. I start out with a positive attitude, mix in charting and perfectly timed bedroom sessions, and then follow it up with the dreaded two week wait. These two weeks can be the most excruciating weeks a woman can go through, at least for me. I am not patient in the least, never have been.  I guess that is why I never did too well in the dating game. I need to know how you feel and where this is going soon. That is why I thank god every day for sending me someone as impatient as I am! So to reiterate, I AM IMPATIENT AS HELL! So during this two week wait, my mind goes absolutely crazy! I begin to imagine the possibility of conceiving this month. How exciting it would be to tell our story of how God surprised us with a little miracle, how exciting it would be to tell my husband and mother the wonderful news, and how wonderful it would be to have worked so hard and it pay off. I somehow convince myself that this is a real possibility, and then it goes downhill from here. Every day I over analyze my emotions, movements, feelings, and basically obsess over any symptom that I have that could be remotely related to pregnancy. Even though I promised myself I would not do it, I break my promise and Google everything I can think of. I build my hopes up so high, that when my period comes, I pretty much have an emotional breakdown, every time! As I am writing this, I am literally thinking about how much I want to Google, and the keywords I would use. If you can't tell, I am in my two week wait, going through my self-torture and praying, wishing, and hoping for a miracle! Don't be surprised if I am back next week with another depressing and anger filled rant! Now, off to Google.....