Redemption

This weekend was probably one of the best weekends I have ever had! D and I were able to talk and get through our rough time on Thursday and we decided to get away for the weekend. We headed up to Denver for a weekend to celebrate us, get away from everything and everyone and just unwind! We left Saturday morning and made a pit stop at the outlet mall in Castle Rock. Found some amazing deals and really had fun just shopping and strolling arm in arm with him. By the time we left, we made it to our hotel in the early evening. We picked a pretty great hotel....it was cheaper than most but was actually quite perfect. We had a room that had a little living room in it and made it look like a little studio apartment. The best part was this beautiful lake right next to the hotel! We have this affinity for lakes which I love, and it really helped in the decision making process on where to stay. Once we got into the room, we were trying to decide on what to do, and he left something in the car that would help us decide, so he went down to get it. During that time, I decided to pull out my surprise now...I bought myself lingerie, which I have NEVER done before. I really feel comfortable around him and wanted to do something out of the ordinary and wanted to feel sexy, which I have also never done before. The look on his face was absolutely worth every bit of money spent on it. I have never felt more desired in my life. It was extraordinary! I just melted! We decided that the theme for the night should be just that, doing things outside of our norm and really just enjoying each other's company. We headed toward downtown Denver and our first stop was the Cheesecake Factory for a really nice and romantic dinner. We had this cute little secluded booth that was so perfect. With full bellies, we left the restaurant and headed out on 16th Street Mall. We heard something like a concert going on and as we approached, we discovered it was a huge movie screen set up in this park in the middle of downtown and it was showing E.T. We were over the moon excited that we actually get to participate in this cute little event! It was amazing to cuddle together in the grass as a nice breeze blew across us, watching E.T. and getting to enjoy the beautiful cityscape as a backdrop! The movie ended and we continued on our way down the mall, this time ending up at Starbucks for some late night coffee. As we were leaving, the guy behind the counter smiled at us admiring how in love we looked and offered us some dessert on him! We spent the rest of our time taking in the scenery and stopping to listen to a jazz band on the balcony of a shop. We stopped at a liquor store on the strip and got a bottle of wine and spent the rest of our night next to the lake talking, cuddling and making love. It was the most romantic and wonderful night! I couldn't have asked for anything better! That weekend was exactly what we needed, and brought us closer. I can honestly say that I am totally in love with this man! It has taken me by complete surprise, but I couldn't be happier!

Here we go again...

I needed to vent today….not sure where to start! Things with D were going well…we have had such an amazing time getting to know each other and build on our relationship, and really getting to connect. It was incredible, and I feel more for him every day. And then I went on vacation. I went to visit my family and he stayed at the house to pet/house it. I was gone for 5 days, and I really missed him each and every day. On our way back, as we were getting closer and closer, I was getting anxious and excited to throw my arms around him and cover him in kisses. And as soon as I got to the house, that is what happened, and it was short lived. Within an hour, he started talking about a video game he wanted to finish, and I was crushed. Here I am, gone for 5 days and back for an hour, and he wants to play a game! I gave attitude and showed that I was devastated. We ended up working through it fairly quickly. Throughout the night and into the next few days, there was a myriad of problems that kept us at each other’s throats. Last night’s fight was the one that hit rock bottom. We argued and said some pretty mean things and left both of us questioning this relationship. We cooled down enough to say goodnight. This morning, D’s alarm went off and woke me up from an awful dream in which he basically ditched me and an event to reconnect with an ex-girlfriend. He ended up telling me he didn’t love me and that he wanted to be with her. It jumped ahead to a year later and I was doing a play. At the end of the performance, I looked in the audience and saw the ex-girlfriend but no D, so I shot her a dirty look. She motioned to the other side of the room where he was as he made his way back to his seat. As he sat down, he linked arms with her and his 2 kids and one they had together joined them. It was devastating and heartbreaking. I woke up feeling incredibly sad. I ran downstairs to tell him, hoping he would cheer me up. When I told him about the dream, he just said it was interesting. When I asked him if he still wanted this relationship, he said he wasn’t sure. It really crushed me. I have really fallen for this guy, and I was starting to see us having a future together, and he is now unsure. I have just been in a funk all day over it. Thinking about it ending tears me up, but I know that if I can get through a divorce, I can get through anything! I hope that we can work out our issues and make this work, I really do. Just frustrates me that he can so casually talk about it like that. Really makes me wonder what it is about me that makes it so easy for men to hurt me or leave me! I just want to be happy! I want to know that someday, I will have a great life and will be as close to happy as I can get. Give me a man who is loyal, honest, kind, compassionate, and loving and a child and I am a happy camper. It just seems like a nearly impossible task to have any of it. I thought I was on the track to being happy, to having everything that mattered, and it was ripped away. I hate starting over. I just want to know that I am making the right choices in my life. I get so confused sometimes, that I really wonder if I even know what I truly want. The other thing making this frustrating is my mother living with me. I appreciate all she does, but I am so tired of the lack of privacy and feeling like I am a teenager playing pretend. I can’t please everyone, and at this point, I just want to please myself! I really need to start giving it to God again…he did far better with these things than I am, and I need help! I need to feel like myself again, get my life figured out, and hope and pray it works out for the best! I can’t wait to go see my bestie in a week….it will take my mind off everything and give us a bit more time and space to figure things out!