Worried: At my last measurement scan a few weeks ago through
Maternal Fetal Medicine (I have to attend because I am having an IVF baby) the
doctor told me that she thinks that my baby is on the small side and not
retaining enough fat. This is called IUGR (Intrauterine Growth Restriction) and
could be cause for concern. I have to go weekly now for blood flow scans of the
baby and the placenta to make sure he is still doing okay, and growth scans
every 3 weeks. I don’t mind getting to see him more often, but I worry about
him and his growth. After speaking to my doctor, I felt a little bit better
knowing that he could still continue to grow, just at a slower rate, but my 6
or 8 months, he should catch up to the rest of the babies his age. The
monitoring helps and my doctor thinks that at we may have to deliver early,
about 37 to 39 weeks which I was already expecting because of my unicornuate
uterus. And he may have to go to the NICU if he has issues with staying warm or
eating/breathing. The few things I was worried about besides his health would
be labor and delivery, and breastfeeding. I thought that since I would have to
delivery early, I would have to have a C-Section. But I would just be induced
and see what my body does, so there is a good chance I could still do a natural
labor and delivery, also depending on his position, because if he is breach, I
will have to do a C-Section. And breastfeeding, I was concerned that I wouldn’t
get to do that if he went to the NICU but my doctor told me that they highly encourage
breastfeeding and that I could still do it. All of the info my doctor provided
me with made me feel a million times better!
Terrified: I am terrified that in less than 3 months, I am going to be responsible for another human being for the rest of my life! My life as I know it will be completely different. I have thought and dreamt about these things for as long as I can remember, but knowing they are going to be my reality soon is really intensely scary! I am going to be up all hours of the night sacrificing myself for the good of this little man. Knowing that any choice I make could potentially screw him up is frightening. I hope I am not the only one who feels this! I feel confident in myself and have always been great with kids, but my child, all day every day?! TERRIFIED!
Excited: On the flip side, I am getting so incredibly excited to meet this little man! I dream about what he looks like, what he smells like, what he will sounds like, what little expressions he will make, and holding him and staring at him with love and wonder! I want to wrap my arms around him and never let him go. I want to sing to him, read to him, teach him, and just love him. I cannot wait to be this little man’s mom.
Petrified: I have dreamed for so long of being pregnant and imagining how it would be, I pretty much glazed over the whole labor and delivery. Now, in a little over 2 months, I have to give birth. I am beyond petrified to do so. I try to imagine what it would be like but cannot wrap my head around it. The fact that the thing a size of a watermelon is supposed to shoot out of me is baffling. I feel like I do well with pain, but the fact that I don’t know what to expect adds a whole new element to this. I just hope and pray that everything goes smoothly and at the end, the baby and I are healthy.
Relieved: I’m not gonna lie, pregnancy is rough! Like I said
earlier, I spent so long dreaming of what it would be like to be pregnant. I
would romanticize the whole thing. I used to pray to God with tears in my eyes
begging him to bless me with the miracle of a child. I would say that I want
EVERYTHING, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And I meant it. Every day of this
pregnancy I thank God and know how truly blessed I am. That does not escape me
for a minute. But…..pregnancy is ROUGH! That cannot be said enough! Everyone is
different, and I know that compared to others, it has not been nearly that
tough, and for that I am grateful. Saying that, I will be so relieved for the
little things. I will be relieved that I can take Ibuprofen again, because
Tylenol is shit! I have had several really bad migraines throughout this
pregnancy, and that has sucked. Instead of popping 4 ibuprofen, I have to do
the monotonous routine of Tylenol, caffeine, cold compress on neck and head, in
a dead silent blacked out room. After repeating 10 times throughout 2 to 3
days, they go away! EXHAUSTING! I am also going to be relieved that I don’t
have to wake up 900 times a night to pee. I am going to be relived to be able
to sleep on my belly again, or anywhere except the sides I rotate on. All of
which leave me with horrible Charlie horses in my legs and thighs, and every so
often, little man will roll over on a nerve causing my side to go completely
numb for a few moments. It is like a 3 ring circus in the middle of the night.
All in all, I have had a pretty good pregnancy, but I still can’t wait to have
my body back to being just mine, after breastfeeding of course!
Sitting here and getting to write out all of these things,
good and bad, make my heart feel so full. There are no words to express how
blessed I feel and how surreal all of this has been. Registering for birthing
class and breastfeeding class after having a weekend of putting together his
furniture has made all of this seem a bit more real, but I still feel like I am
living a dream! That is all of the updates I have for now, until next week when
I go back for another growth scan and hopefully see that my little Rylan has
grown. Thank you all for your love and support and taking the time to read this
and be a part of this journey with me!