Praise and Glory

God is good! Plain and simple, He is good. I had to start it this way because my heart is filled with such joy and I owe it all to Him!

The past few weeks have been a struggle but have also been wonderful all at the same time! I was able to start my injections when I thought I would. It was a bit of a bummer that with my E2 (Estradiol) numbers, I had to start taking 2 injections, Gonal F and Menopur. Gonal F wasn’t too bad, but that Menopur, it stung pretty good. I did that for a week or so, and then had to add in Cetrotide to the mix. It was a bit overwhelming at first, but got easier as time went on. The only thing I found really challenging was getting the injections in on time. I planned to do them around 7p every night, but with a kiddo, Halloween, Girls Scouts, and camping, it was thrown of a bit a few times. But, my 3 times a week appointments with blood draws helped calm my nerves and let me know that everything was working the way it was supposed to.

As the dates were closer, my appointments became daily, even on a Sunday! But my numbers and counts were still looking good. I was all set to trigger on Monday 11/6. That was a comedy of errors! It had to be done at 8:15p, and not only did I have to take the HCG Trigger Novarel, but I also had to take it’s buddy, Lupron. Lupron is no biggie as it is an abdomen injection, however, my friend Novarel was a intramuscular injection and it had to go in my upper buttocks. I passed on D helping me as he is not the gentlest of creatures, and opted for my Mom to help me. 10 minutes before the injection, I realized I didn’t have the right size needles! I had a small thin one, and a thick long one. Unfortunately, I had to go with the thicker one so it reached the spot it needed to. That sucked, I must say! But, it worked, and I was all set to do the retrieval on Wednesday 11/8! I was ecstatic and nervous, but mainly excited to get all those follicles out, they were heavy! They turn your almond size ovaries into Oranges, and you feel it all!

The retrieval was intense, not gonna lie! I had to be in Denver at 6:30a as the retrieval was at 8:15a. My Mom drove and D tagged along to give his deposit if you will! We all went back into pre-op and that is where it got real, real quick! I changed into my gown and footies, had to tape down all my piercings, put a hair net on, take out my contacts, and get the evil IV jammed into my hand. I may or may not have dropped the F bomb while he was digging around in my hand! After that fiasco, it was time to say goodbye, and I went into the back. A table with knee stir-ups, no blankets, heart monitors, oxygen, and doctors surrounding you, all within a matter of minutes. And then, as if it were nothing, they give you a nice little dose of the goods, and you are out! I woke up half an hour later, sitting in a chair with massive cramps. They gave me a nice little concoction of drugs that helped. I also got the great news that what they thought were 12 follicles they would be retrieving, turned into 19!! A few hours later, I was eating breakfast and feeling pretty good. I had mild bleeding and cramps, but really just felt tired. I slept quite a bit that day, but the next day I felt back to normal.

I got a call the next day to let me know that of the 19 follicles, only 15 were viable, and 12 had made it through fertilization. They will let them continue to grow and call me on Monday with the number of embryos that had made it and how many they will be freezing. Because I produced so many, they were worried about OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) and told me that we would do a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) instead. If my scans and blood draws come out good, then I am looking at a FET sometime in January. That one was a little rough as I thought I would be doing it now, but after some time to adjust to the idea, I do think it is best.

I am extremely pleased with how everything went! It feels so surreal to be this close to having my dreams come true. Although I am trying to keep myself grounded and not get my hopes up too high, it is so hard not to visualize and dream out being pregnant! I am just so happy and blessed that God has allowed me to be where I am today and has been graceful and allowed this to work so far. All of the glory is His; I just get to be the one to share it! If you are reading this, please continue to send me your prayers and happy thoughts if at all possible! I will post more updates when I have them :)

It Starts.....

I keep thinking of the old school Super Nintendo Lion King video game. The intro music is so epic, and when you select “new game”, Timon appears on the screen and announces, “It Starts”. You just know you are going to be in for a real experience, and you are filled with curiosity and delight, well, at least I was anyway! That is exactly how I am feeling at this moment, very nostalgic but experiencing that same feeling of excitement, waiting for anything and everything that will happen during this journey!

As you can tell from my over dramatic intro, I am officially on the path for IVF. I had my scan a few weeks ago, and everything looked great, even the cyst that I had on my right ovary, that was thought to have been an issue, is gone. I am officially 30 pounds down, which was my goal a few months ago! I am feeling pretty good! I started birth control (sounds crazy, but it is part of the cycle) a few weeks ago, but life had been a bit crazy and I completely spaced that I was supposed to stop taking it last Monday, and I took it all through that week. I felt like a moron, but thankfully, it didn’t get too messed up. I only had to take it for 4 more days, and start my injections a week later than was planned. So far, I am on track to start those this Friday. After a few weeks on injections, I move to the egg retrieval, then hopefully the transfer, and God willing, a pregnancy! AHHH! It feels so insane to be this close to being pregnant. I am so nervous, but feeling hopeful! Please, whoever is reading this, send lots of prayers and happy thoughts my way, I could use them all!!

That is pretty much it for now, but I will be back with more updates soon!

Horizon

Exactly 24 hours from now, I will be at my doctor’s office getting my cycle day 3 scan. This is not like any scan I have had before, because, if all goes well, I will be jumping on the journey of IVF. I reflect on everything that has happened that has led me to this point. It was not easy, and to say that I wouldn’t change anything is a complete lie. I would change a lot quite honestly! But, I am where I am today, and I am happy with that!

For the last few months I have been on a whole other journey in itself; A journey for self-betterment. I started attending counseling, which has been fabulous. But I still felt like something was missing, so, I started going back to church. Not only that, but the whole family has been going, and that has truly been a wonderful and fulfilling experience. Seeing how much A has truly enjoyed it and been so excited to learn is heartwarming. That was definite food for the soul and has given me such peace about all of this. And one of the last things I have done for myself was getting me healthy. With the help of my family and bestie, I have done a few diet challenges and started going back to the gym. I have successfully lost 25 pounds as of today. I am 5 pounds away from my goal weight loss of 30, and will hopefully achieve that before my actual IVF.

I am filled with lots of emotions and lots of thoughts as anyone would be in my situation. I am feeling incredibly hopeful but equally nervous. I truly believe that God has this and I have to trust in his plan for me, even if it isn’t what I want. That is the hardest part right there. I will keep doing everything I can on my end to help things along, but I know He has this. I will gladly accept any prayers or happy thoughts for anyone reading this, because it can only help things out, right?! :)

I look forward to updating this blog on my IVF journey, and with God’s blessing, the journey of Motherhood.

Lost But Not Forgotten

Holy updates Batman! It has been quite a while since the last time I sat down to write an entry. I took a look back at the last post I made, and got hit hard with this pang of sadness. I felt so optimistic and hopeful, and to look back on that and compare with where I am today….that was rough!

In these last few months, I learned a very valuable yet devastating lesson….if you are gifted with something, don’t take it for granted. D had a fantastic job with INCREDIBLE benefits, but I kept putting off my treatments until the “perfect time”. We got his benefits in October, and I figured that I would lose weight and start treatments in the New Year. I had an appointment in January and decided to do one more IUI before jumping straight to IVF. I was set to do it in March but my Grandma needed a heart valve replacement and I felt like attending her surgery was far more important than starting an IUI, and I still feel that way today! I went in early April to do my 5^th IUI, and the day I left the doctor’s office with my meds in hand, we found out D lost his job! We had his insurance through the month, but after that, we were SOL. To say that I was devastated was an understatement. I get so angry at myself for just sitting and waiting, taking that glorious gift for granted. If you are ever in that situation, don’t wait, just do it!

Finding out that my 5^th IUI failed brought on massive depression. I felt hopeless and totally lost. When I started this journey, there were several options available, and as time went on, the options were fewer and fewer. The only thing left is an IVF that is so far away from obtainable as one can get. Staring your worst fear in the face is awful. Having to hear your inner-self say the words “I may never have my own biological child” was something in my nightmares, and now, it was real. I sat down one day, went through a ton of options and felt down. Saving is something that is possible, and probably the best way to go, if I wasn’t already 32 nearing 33. To save that kind of money would take me time that I don’t really have. I heard about a fertility financing company though my doctor and gave them a call. The interest rates alone were terrifying, let alone all of the other terms. But, I paid the $75 on refundable fee to apply, and was quickly denied. I was crushed! Back to the drawing board!

A few days later, I called my bank to see I could get a personal loan. I filled out the app, and was called a few hours later with a counter offer that was 1/3 of what I needed. I broke down, and that is when the lovely gentleman on the other line offered me a different solution. A HELOC or Home Equity Line of Credit. It was a loan of a percentage of the equity in your home that had reasonable terms and conditions and a very nice low interest rate. It seemed wonderful. I applied and was approved! A nice little lump sum now sits in my bank account awaiting my IVF. I have an appointment August 2^nd to plan for my very first, and hopefully ONLY IVF. To anyone who may be reading this, please send out lots of happy thoughts and wishes, I desperately need them. I literally have all of my eggs in one basket!

Now that I have that part of my life back on a plan, I decided to fix what I could to make myself happy again. I sought out a therapist and started seeing her regularly. I have started to attend church again, and making my way back to the gym. I will do anything and everything I can to be in the best possible place mentally and physically as I can for this IVF.

I am starting to feel hopeful again and not so lost. It takes time and lots of effort, but I am getting there! Life has been super stressful over the last 7 months, and I have had some very down moments, but looking at how things are compared to what they could have been, makes me very grateful! I am leaving this post today with a heart that is mending starting to let the light back in. Love to you all!

Happy 2017 Friends!!

Hello good ol’ blog! Been a while good friend! So….Happy 2017 to start! It is so crazy thinking about how fast the year flew by! Taking a moment to reflect on 2016….it was a decent year. There we some huge changes and quite a few disappointments, but all in all, it was good. The worst moments of the year were by far my failed IUI’s and the slew of medical bills that followed. Feeling that kind of failure and depression was like anything I had experienced. I was so thankful to have tons of love and support to help me through all of it. The best moments of 2016 had to be all of the time spent with my family and friends. Really getting to spend good quality time with everyone, and making so many great memories with my love and step daughter. I had plenty of wonderful moments to drown out the bad. But, as we say every year….Here is to a better year! Let’s hope 2017 is the best year yet!

Going back and re-reading my last post was so interesting. I could feel the positivity flowing from it, and it is carrying over to this one for sure! Last time I updated, I had given a presentation about hopefully changing our fertility policy to include comprehensive fertility benefits. Well, like most things this last year, I was let down. It would have cost an increase of 1% and I guess that was too much. I mean, I kind of get it. Our company is composed mainly men, and women who have grown children or are out of their child bearing years. To ask something like this didn't make much sense to the majority, but I am still proud of myself for asking. You never know unless you ask.

On the other side of this, we got some amazing news! D’s company sent him a letter saying he was eligible to sign up for their benefits. He brought home the information and I flipped right to the good stuff. His company pays for IUI’s and IVF up to $25,000! We could not stop crying! This just opened up the door for us to have a fighting chance at having our baby. I filled out the forms, got ourselves enrolled, and I am not on comprehensive fertility benefits! I cannot believe that this happened! It was truly a gift from God! Our plan for the new year is to start again with an IUI and if that doesn't work, we will start on IVF. I feel so good about this and hope and pray with everything I have that I finally get to experience being pregnant, having a baby, and being a Mom.

On top of all of this good news, I decided to try a little something adventurous in my life. Well, nothing too crazy, I ain't that adventurous! I started a YouTube channel. I had been obsessed with YouTube the past few years, and it always looked like so much fun! I bought a camera, some editing software, and launched my channel in October. I have had sooooo much fun with it! I do everything from beauty reviews, un-boxings, crafts and baking tutorials, chat about life and have fun! Hoping to possibly do a side channel that is just for fertility, but we will see.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLUUdBBczEakx523Qz74vJA

There are so many great things on the horizon and I am beyond excited to see what this year holds! I promise to update more regularly! I hope whomever reads this has an amazing new year! We all deserve it! Lots of love and hope to all!