It has been a streak of bad luck/timing! Last month, I got
the okay to take Letrozole in hopes of doing my 3rd IUI. I took it
exactly like I was supposed to. I went back to the doctors for my CD12 scan,
and was really disappointed. I had one decent sized follicle on my right side,
but a tiny little one on my left. I felt so bummed! We both agreed to just wait
until next month. I had unexpected spotting right after that, and it lasted
about 4 days. The doctor thought it may have been my cyst that caused some
bleeding mid cycle. It went away after that, which I was relieved by! Now I was
in wait mode for my next cycle in hopes I may have better luck this time. God
must have a funny sense of humor, because I started my next cycle as I was on
my way to Arizona. I called my doctor, but by the time I would make it back, it
would already be CD5, and too late to start anything. So this month ended up
being a wash as well! I was so freaking bummed! Another damn month slips away!
Here I am, a month from today is my 31st birthday, and still no
pregnancy! I fought depression the next couple of days and slowly cheered
myself up with the help of delicious wine! I boarded the plane on Sunday that
would take me back home, and opened up my trashy celeb gossip magazines and
began reading. I came across a little box at the right hand corner of the page.
It was a mini-article of the actress Beverly Mitchell showing off her adorable
children. She is 34 and has two young children, the first of which, she had
when she was 32. That thought made me perk up a bit. Here is this vivacious
young looking woman who is 32 when she had her first, and here I sit, a mere 30
(close to 31). Though sometimes it is hard to accept that I am in my 30’s, I am
still relatively young. I put so much pressure/stress surrounding my age, that
I really lose sight of the bigger picture. It does not matter how old I am when
it happens, as long as it happens. I know that I will get pregnant. I know that
I will have a happy and healthy baby. I just have to remain patient and do what
I can and know that it will happen in God’s time. My mom asks me if I am going
to be okay if it doesn’t happen. Well, first of all, no. I cannot fathom that.
I know that there is this massive aching in my heart that will never cease if
it does not happen. But, none of that matters. I believe that God will give you
the desires of your heart, or he will change your heart. I am still as
passionate about it as I have been. I believe in God, I believe he is the God
of miracles and nothing is too big for him to do. I know that I will be a Mom.
I know this because I have faith. It is just learning to be patient is what I
have a problem with! So for now, I will enjoy my few glasses of wine and the
lack to stress from trying this month and wait for my cycle to start over and
for hope to be restored for next month! It would be the best birthday gift of
all!
