Confessions of a Face-stalker

Technology has been my friend throughout the years, but it has also made me into a crazy person. I couldn't even tell you how many hours I have spent on Google self-diagnosing or searching out anything and everything to do with fertility. Not only that, but I have to confess, I am a Facebook stalker. I creep on and through peoples profiles. I cannot help it, I have a need to be nosy! I don’t get nuts about people or anything, but I like to see what people have been up to, check out some photos and that pretty much sums it up. This has lead to this funk that I have been in recently. To back track, let me explain that my wonderful and supportive man D has very strong swimmers that have helped him in creating 4 separate humans with 4 different women. The first one is a boy who is now 12. The Mom ran off with another man when the boy was only 7 months old and has been with that man since. That guy has adopted him and knows nothing of D. The second of course, is little miss A. The little light in my life! The third is another boy, who is 5 and resides in Las Vegas. The mom and D split amicably while she was still pregnant. And the last little one is a little girl who is 3. His last relationship before me was with this woman who moved from Alaska, they dated briefly, she became pregnant, and wanted to move back to Alaska with D. He couldn't leave because of A, so the mom decided to put the baby up for adoption. She has since been adopted by a lovely couple. So now that the mechanics are out of the way, here is why I am in a funk:

These women, all different in personality and appearance, have one thing in common. A wonderful child who shares DNA with D. All of them carry these strong genes that make them resemble D with just a hint of the other person. This is a tough one for me. Knowing that each of these women so thoughtlessly and effortlessly just became pregnant. Continuing with my previous conversation, I tend to go on to Facebook and look at pics of these children. Wondering what their personalities are like, noticing all of the genetic traits D has passed off to them, and to see the similarities in likes/dislikes. All of these children, little pieces of D spread all over, creating life without any struggle. It is hard to think about these women who just fell into pregnancy and motherhood. The struggle I face seems so unfair, and it makes me so angry sometimes, but then I remind myself of where I am today, and how I am still able to try and still believe that I will be pregnant. I daydream of what our child will look like. No doubt, it will more than likely be a reflection of D with just a hint of myself, but I wonder if they will look like each other. I see hints of A within the little girl who was adopted. And in the older boy, he looks just like a miniature D. I also think about our children, and wonder if they will ever get the chance to know their siblings or even meet them. I loved knowing I had a brother out in the world, even though I have only started talking to him a year ago. It’s nice to know where you come from and what family you have out there! Who knows what the future holds….

I may sound crazy, but unless you have been down this road of infertility, you have no idea what it can do to your mind and body. This has been one of the hardest, if not THE hardest thing I have done in my life! It is a rough road, and I know there is still work to be done, but hopefully soon, I can enjoy the spoils of motherhood and relish in the little life that we created!

Feeling Good

Well, we are all set for round 2! I went in for my scan and it went better than I hoped for! I have no cysts and that was a really good sign. She looked at might right ovary and then my left. One thing she said that got me feeling really hopeful was the discovery of a lot of little follicles on my left ovary. I go back on the 31st for my CD12 scan to see how they look. I am hoping for a left side full of follicles! I have a really good feeling about this month! It is turning out to be way less stressful than last month, thank God! It has a whole different feel than last month, something I cannot explain. So lots of prayers or thoughts would be appreciated to anyone who may stumble upon this blog! Left side, left side, left side!!!!!

Try and Try Again!

Well, we are back to square one! My first round of IUI was unsuccessful unfortunately. I was kind of doubtful anyway, just because we have been under so much stress lately, I knew it was taking a toll on my body. I made it through the torturous two week wait to be greeted with lovely AF. What a bummer. I was really disappointed and upset and felt like a failure yet again. It is so hard to not personalize your loss because all you feel is pain and frustration with absolutely no one to blame. Shit happens, plain and simple. We can do our very best, and keep trying,  but it may not happen. I will tell you that I won’t give up though. I am going into this new month with high hopes, positive outlook, and a much better feeling about this one than the other. So today is officially my CD1. I have an appointment scheduled for my CD2 scan tomorrow, and we will continue on this month to hopefully be able to do round 2 of IUI. Fingers crossed and lots of prayers for success this time around!

As I mentioned before, stress has been the ongoing theme in our life this last month. D and I ended up getting temporary full custody of A, as her mom goes through rehab. Going from a part time family to full time family has not been without it’s challenges. We have had to deal with her mom’s family which included stalking, a plethora of phone calls and texts, and numerous attempts to take A. Then, when we thought all of that was behind us, we had to deal with D’s family. They were supposed to watch A while we were at work until she starts school next month. Well, long story short, that all came crashing down over $30. We ended up getting her into a wonderful daycare, but the stress of dealing with family members, figuring out new schedules, adjusting to lack of privacy and personal time and trying to work with the little bit of money we have has left me feeling wore out and broke down. It has been exhausting to say the least. I think I can safely say that things seem to be looking up and calming down, just hope they stay that way. I intend on taking better care of my physical and mental health this time around, and hopefully that leads to a nice positive result! :)

Not a fan of the Two Week Wait!

Tales from an obsessed woman......I cannot stop using Google, nor can I focus for more than 15 minutes without thinking about the result from my IUI. Neither of which help me, it just makes me even more crazy! On Google, I use every combination of the words 'IUI' 'Success' and 'Unicornute Uterus'. I find next to nothing on my searches. What I have come across are pages of Women who have a UU completely skipping IUI and going straight to IVF. Not sure how these women find it possible to jump to a $10,000 procedure, but more power to them. I have yet to find an uplifting story about a woman who has UU, who did an IUI and was successful. This frustrates me! The simple solution would be to simply not search for anything. Really, reading tons of entries on blogs will not change my outcome. It will not help me achieve a positive pregnancy test, it only stresses me out more, which is not good. But here is my predicament, I work an office job from 8-5 every day. I sit here at my desk, working away with constant thoughts of babies, medical procedures, and possible pregnancies dominating my every thought. I have Google readily available on my desktop just staring at me. I tell myself a million times "don't do it, don't give in", but the urge just builds until I cannot stand it any longer, and I give in. Like that moment you give in to that piece of chocolate cake you don't need. It satisfies the craving, but you feel terrible after. That is where I am at today.

My head goes between thinking that; yes, this is totally possible, it can and will happen this time. You have 2 great follicles, great lining, clear tubes, great swimmers, and healthy baby making parts. People get pregnant all the time and never know they have a UU until they have a C-section, so why wouldn't this work?! BUT, the other part of my thoughts go a little something like this: It's probably not going to work. Rarely does it work on the first try, let alone with somebody who only has half a uterus! Don't get your hopes up because when it doesn't work out, you will be crushed! People with UU's don't do IUI because they know it won't work, they even struggle with getting IVF treatments to work.

I sound like a crazy person, I truly do. I want to believe with everything inside of me that this will work, that this is my saving grace! I pray every day that this IUI will be the one to get me nice and pregnant. That I will have a healthy pregnancy that will result in a happy and healthy baby who will go on to live a long happy and healthy life! I truly hope this is the case! I want this more than anything in the world! So for now, I will end this rant and try and get some work done. This two-week wait is as torturous as everyone says it is! 

Today is the day!

Today is extremely exciting……… today was my IUI!! AHHHHHH! I seriously cannot believe that I did my first, and hopefully last, IUI! I went last Thursday for my scan. I was incredibly nervous as last month, I had a perfectly mature follicle, it was just on the wrong damn side! So my scan revealed that I had a nice big follicle on my right side, which of course is the wrong side, BUT, I also had a nice big one on my left side. They had me scheduled for a scan Saturday to make sure the one on my left was growing and would look good enough to go through with the IUI. I went Saturday and got the all clear!!! I was given a new injectible trigger shot that was a bit different than the Ovidrel shot I did last month. This one was actually an intramuscular injection, which means it had to go just below my hip, which meant D had to give it to me. He did a wonderful job despite the nice bruise feeling it left for a few days. We went this morning so D could give his sample and they could prepare it and give it a boost. I went back a few hours later to do my IUI. I had never been so nervous in my entire life! It was done before I knew it, and I was left to my own thoughts while I laid on the table for 10 minutes. I prayed, tried thinking happy thoughts and even had a conversation with the puppy decals on the ceiling.  When the timer dinged, I got up and cried. I am in serious shock today. This has all been so surreal and I am so happy that I am able to even post this update! So now, we wait. The dreaded two week wait, I am officially in this territory! I am hopeful and thankful and beyond happy! Hopefully, I will be able to post some good news soon!!

As for the rest of life, it has been madness! For almost two weeks now, we have had D’s daughter A full time. Some things happened with her mother that left D with temporary full custody of A. It has not been without it’s challenges, which include stalking and excessive phone calls from that side of her family, and of course behavioral changes with A. Things are settling down which is nice, and we have been able to enroll her in school and come up with a  good routine for her. I am truly happy to have such a wonderful filled life with more love than I could have imagined. Here is to more of that with a new little one! ;)