Hello Blog! Been a while since I have created one of you!
Wasn’t really sure if I should write since nothing new has happened in the baby
making process. I started my weight loss journey a little over 2 months ago,
and I am currently at a standstill. I did really good for the first 3 weeks. I
lost 12 pounds and was going to the gym between 3-4 days a week. I even tried
Zumba for the first time! And then, I had a bad week of stress with my Grandma,
and then the kiddo broke her ankle, and it has just been rough making myself go
back to the gym! I have been able to maintain my 12 pound loss, so I am happy
about that, but I am still so far from where I need to be. I was hoping by
September I could try again, but now, I am not so sure.
Over the last few months, I have been facing depression,
anger, and sadness hard core. I have really tried getting myself out of that
space, but there are days where I can’t help but to give into the overwhelming
emotions.
One of the things getting me down was my Grandma. I am so
close with my Grandma, but unfortunately, she lives in Arizona. She was in the
hospital about a month ago for Pneumonia
and a heart condition. She has since been released, and was doing better, except
for the news she received from her doctor just recently. She really has no body
to take care of her, and she lives alone. I am so worried about her and hate
thinking that something could happen to her. I would be seriously crushed if I
ever lost her. The family that lives near her, that was supposed to help her
and take care of her, did the exact opposite. They used her, and stole from
her. It is hard to hate the family that you once loved. I see them and I see
nothing but selfish and disgusting people. They are the type of people who can
do something like that, and then turn around and ask you for a favor. They use
and abuse and it will never change!
Next on my list, A’s mom. Raising D’s daughter for the last
year on our own has been a challenge. I love her so much and I have enjoyed so
much of it, but it hasn’t been easy. A’s mom is an alcoholic who has a child
abuse charge. She is currently sober (because of her probation) and took D to
court for custody. We were all geared up for the trial, complete with a full envelope of evidence to blow away any
excuse she had why we were not competent and she was. Ten minutes before court,
she appears with an attorney she hired two days prior. Because I was testifying,
they sequestered me, or kept me away until my turn on the stand. As I entered,
I saw D just looking devastated. I took the stand and was totally railroaded by
her lawyer. Despite everything we had, the mom ended up with Saturday
visitation, and two months from the first visitation, she was allowed
overnights. D and I both agreed that where she is currently living and with
whom, it was not a great idea for her to have overnights. So, we sought out an
attorney of our own, and hired her. Turns out, among all of the chaos in the
court room, we didn’t actually show our evidence. We filed it, but didn’t do
the motion of presenting it into court. Not only that, but reading the
transcripts from court, and the parts I missed, she actually lied on the stand.
She said we only let her see her daughter one time in a year! That was completely
false. We took her to see her mom at least 20 times in the last year. Not only
that, but we made every effort to accommodate visits with her mom. It made me
so angry! Angry that she could lie like that. Angry that she took all of our
effort and kindness and threw it away. Angry that she got away with it! Since
then, I have received messages about how I am nothing to A, how I have no
business being in her life, and how terrible of a person I am. It makes me
angry that I even tried at all. But then, I think about A, and I think about
how important it is to show her to do the right thing, even if your efforts are
for not. The person you are matters more than the outcome! I regret nothing!
The last thing on my list ties into the first two. I am
tired. Just plain exhausted. I am sick of doing everything I possibly can and
ending up stuck in the same rut! I am so tired of spending money on things when
it doesn’t seem to matter. I have bill after bill from fertility treatments
that never worked, adding insult to injury! It is a terrible feeling and a
reminder that I failed! I hate looking around and seeing all of the pregnancies
that I cannot seem to have. All I want is to be a Mom. I want to be pregnant,
give birth, and raise a happy and wonderful child. Why does it seem so damn
hard?! People lied. Having kids is not nearly as expensive as trying to make
them! I hope that I can look back and say that this was all worth it! Right
now, it feels like that possibility is getting further and further away.
Enough with all of the depressing banter. I am picking
myself up and moving on. I am done feeling depressed, feeling angry, feeling
sad. I need to get myself together and start thinking positively. Hopefully
tomorrow will be a better day. But for now, I will slap a smile on my face,
turn on some music, and distract myself with work! Deep breath, and……GO!
