Smitten Kitten

So a topic recently came up between some of my friends, my mother and myself regarding dating. Since I have met the boy, let’s call him D, I have decided to back off of dating, and see where things go with this guy. That then opened up the conversation to the fact that I should not be doing that, instead, I should open myself up to other possibilities and not just take what is in front of me. I understand why they said that, and for the most part believe in what they say, but I also tend to disagree with them. Things with D have progressed farther and faster than I have imagined or anticipated. I genuinely like this guy and there is a very strong attraction to him. To me, it seems like the logical thing to do would be to see where this takes me. I cannot juggle men, I cannot date more than one at a time. It almost seems unfair and pretty exhausting to try and keep up with multiple people. Plus, that is just not how I am made. I am almost a reflection of my mother, but I have knowledge of this mistakes she has made which has allowed me to become a version of her that fits my personality and goals better. I am a serial monogamous, I like being in a relationship, I loved being married, that is just who I am. I am not saying by any means that I am thinking of D in a long-term relationship kind of way, but I definitely want to put my effort and focus into this and see where it goes. I may decide in a month that he drives me crazy and is not worth it, or he may become this amazing surprise in my life. Either way, I think right now, he is definitely worth the risk. I really had an amazing weekend with him and have developed strong feelings for him. I have only known him a short period of time, but I feel so close and comfortable with him, it blows my mind! He is so funny, charming, intelligent, insightful, kind, compassionate, and just a really great guy! I could talk to him for hours or simply cuddle up on the couch and listen to music without saying a word and it is just as wonderful! And then there is the sex…OH MY GOD the sex! I have only ever been with one man, but I can say without a doubt, I did not know what sex was or how good it could be! He is AMAZING! I still feel like a teenager in a sense that I cannot seem to get enough and it is now one of the most thought about things during my day! I can’t believe I had been missing out for so long! In any case, this weekend was such a blast, we really got to know each other, spend time doing a variety of things, and he even met a few of my friends which was pretty cool! I very much miss seeing him and it has only been 3 days. I can pretty much say that I am smitten! I feel so happy and I didn’t think that would be possible for quite a while. Still uncertain of where this will go, but I know for certain that I am having a blast!

Weekend fun

I am incredibly excited and incredibly nervous for tonight. Tonight, the guy I am seeing is coming over and we are doing a date night weekend. He is coming over after work and I will cook us some dinner, and then we are going to watch some movies and play some video games together, and then he is going to stay the night. The plan is to get up early, and he has a whole day of events planned that he wants to surprise me with. I am so happy and I think it is so awesome that he wants to make this weekend fun and surprise me, however I have mixed feelings on him staying the night. He was completely respectful and said he would sleep on the couch, but I don’t want him to. I miss having a man laying next to me in bed. I miss snuggling and cuddling, or even just hearing someone next to me or feeling their warmth. I am very much looking forward to that, that is not the issue. The sex is the issue. I am not ready to jump into that part of a relationship, but as I say that, my body is screaming out a different response. It has been a while since I have had a man’s touch, and when he touches me, my body goes crazy and it doesn’t take much for me to lose all of my inhibitions. I have told him that I am not ready for that step, and he has been very understanding and accepting, but I am not sure how much longer I can keep this up. I really like him, he is incredibly amazing, but I need to take things slow. I am really just excited to spend the night/day with him, it’s like I can’t get enough of him. I am excited to just kick back, relax, enjoy the night and each other, and have fun! He makes me laugh, makes me think, and makes me feel so good about myself. This is just such a strange thing in my life that happened, and I couldn’t be happier. I am taking one day at a time and just enjoying life!

Adaptation

I think back to the days in school when we were learning about butterflies. A caterpillar is born, then later in life it wraps itself in a cocoon, then emerges as a butterfly. I think about this in terms of my life now. I spent my younger years as this awkward and plain caterpillar, and when I entered into my first real relationship, that was the equivalent of wrapping myself in a cocoon. It was safe and warm and gave me a sense of false security. Eventually, the time had come to emerge from my cocoon and discover that I am now this butterfly. I feel like a whole new person. I came out with this different personality, I have more confidence, a stronger voice, a better idea of who I am and what I want in life. On the flip side, I now have to discover and experience life as this butterfly. Things are challenging and new but appear as intimidating and downright scary. While I am having fun, I also have to be careful that I don’t do something that could hurt me. I say all of this to put into perspective how I am feeling and what I am going through at this particular moment in my life. This new guy, I am really taken by him. We have talked to each other every day and all day long for a week straight and we have been out on 4 dates. This with him are progressing more than I ever imagined they would. I am happy but extremely terrified. I have never had these kind of feelings for someone like this. They are intense and there is this overwhelming passion I feel for him. I decided that I would take things slow and not get too involved with anyone but that seems to have gone out the window. All of this is exciting, but there is also something that just gets under my skin and I can’t shake. He is a little older than me and way more experienced than I am in a lot of things. I have only ever dated one man, slept with one man, and married one man. He has had numerous relationships and sexual partners. I was intimidated at first, but more so, I am confused about it all. I have so many conflicting emotions. I am not a sexual person, I like sex, but it is not something that I like to throw around like it is nothing. In fact, I think sometimes I hold too much value to it, which can be an unrealistic expectation. To him, sex is a way to express interest in someone, and the value he holds to it equates to nothing more than lust, another unrealistic expectation. So you have two people that really care about one another with two very different views on an important topic. We had a little bit of an argument on this and it made me evaluate how much I like this guy and also how much I am still stuck in this caterpillar mind frame. I am trying to hold all of the same values as I did when I was younger, but they are not exactly applicable to me now. I am acting very naïve and ignorant. I need to find a balance of the two while still keeping the things that matter to me like my morals. I could easily give in but then I would resent him and it wouldn’t make anything last. But I also understand where he is coming from and by pushing him away and “rejecting” him, he would resent me. I am trying to adapt a new set of guidelines for myself that I feel good about but that also allow me to express the woman I feel like I am. It’s like how the butterfly who could only walk to get around now has the option to walk or to fly but can’t figure out what works best. It’s trial and error. I don’t want to get hurt but I also don’t want to let life pass me by. So to this I say, I am going to step outside of my comfort zone and let things happen naturally and see what happens. I am ready for adventure, I am ready for life to begin again!

Surprising turn of events

Wow…wow…wow…How life can change in just a few short days! So on Saturday, I ended up going out on a second date, which actually should be called our first date, with the guy from the previous post. There was something there that I just had to give a second chance to. We decided to go to the movies, so I met him outside of the theater that is in his area. Seeing him this time was so different. I didn’t have a preconceived notion of what I thought he looked like, instead, I saw him as I saw him last time. He is incredibly hot with these amazing eyes and a gorgeous smile. We picked Jack Reacher as our movie, and headed into the theater. I was so nervous and my heart was racing and I had no idea why. We arrived early which allowed us time to talk. We discovered how much we had in common in terms of movies and music. It then lead into a rapid fire round of random questions ranging from bad habits, to ambitions, to hobbies. I found him extremely interesting. He was way more insightful and intelligent then I gave him credit for. He really surprised me. The movie started, and while it was good, we kept randomly asking each other questions throughout the movie and I am pretty sure we annoyed everyone around us. Towards the end of the movie, he slid his hand over to mine and took it in one fell swoop. It felt oddly comfortable, like we were meant to hold hands. He looked deep into my eyes, and we had our first real kiss. He has these delicious full lips that covered mine so perfectly! It may have been one of the best kisses I have ever had. Before I knew it, the movie was over. We both agreed that we didn’t want the night to end, but lack of funds were an issue, so we snuck into Django Unchained. We arrived just in time as it was starting. We picked up right where we left off, hand in hand, and lips on lips. We did stop kissing as the movie started, but every now and then, we found ourselves in that same position. I could feel myself growing with adoration for him. That movie ended and we headed out of the theater feeling the sadness that the date was ending. Lack of a car made me drive him home, but I behaved well, and simply dropped him off. On my way home and all through the night, we texted. We both felt surprised that the other had the same feelings for each other. This continued all night and through Sunday. Around the evening, we decided that we had to see each other, so we met up for a walk around the lake and then to warm up with coffee. We spent so much time talking, and although I learned some really interesting and sometimes shocking things, I found out that he is such a wonderful man with such a big heart. He has had a crappy deck of cards dealt to him, but he still sees good in the world. He is funny, smart, kind, compassionate, loving, and most of all honest. I really like this man, a lot in fact, but I am so terrified that I am rushing into this, or that either of us will get hurt. I am just to smitten by this guy, so overwhelmed with joy that this incredible man, for whatever reason, crossed my path. I am definitely going to take this slow, and not get my hopes up too high, but will enjoy every minute of it! I never thought I could feel this kind of happy again so soon. The smile has not left my face in days!

What a night

It’s is incredibly late, and way past my bed time, but I had 4 cups of coffee tonight and I am wide awake, so I thought…why not blog! Subject of tonight’s blog…my first date in 10 years! So last night, I felt like a teenager again. I found this guy who had viewed my profile, and his pic was not your average profile pic, it was a little goofy but grabbed my attention. I clicked on his profile and began reading. He was an incredibly hot 29 year old who went to college, had an adorable daughter, did not smoke, and he was looking for a companion. I sent him a message and hoped for the best. A few minutes later, I got a response. I was giddy. We chatted a bit on the site then he told me to text him. We ended up texting for nearly 4 hours! He was charming, funny, sexy, and we had so much in common. I could not believe how lucky I was or how excited I was! We said our goodnights and I tried my best to calm down and sleep, with no success. This morning, he sends me an adorable text and we end up texting the whole day. We had originally made plans to meet Saturday, but I was impatient and decided we should meet tonight. Earlier in the day, I had a bomb drop on me, well several actually. He was actually not 29, he was 34. Not a huge problem, but I didn’t like that surprise. The next one was that he didn’t graduate high school; he got his GED and never actually went to college. I became a little leery about the date, but still kept it while keeping a positive attitude. We decide on coffee at Ihop hear his house at 7pm. I arrive a few minutes early looking my best and witness him hoping out of someone’s car. It comes to my attention later that he in fact does not have a car. I find it a little off-putting when a 34 year old man does not have a car. That aside, we approach each other…I then discover that the pics I have seen of him were taken like 10 years ago. He still has incredible eyes but looks very different. The rest of the night went from strange to just plain crazy! He has had an insane past and became a little too intense for me at one point. He was a gentleman though, and kept pouring out the compliments. All in all, he is a pretty decent guy with a great heart, but a past that makes me think he might have too much baggage for me. At the end of the night, he walked me to my car, gave me a hug and a kiss. I enjoyed the kiss, although I am not sure if I just enjoyed kissing or if I enjoyed his kiss. He asked for another date and I agreed. I may have to think about where this is going, he is very nice, but not sure he is right for me. If anything, he would be a pretty cool person to just hang with. On a good note, I have another date with a pretty attractive man scheduled this weekend! I am going to have fun and take it as it comes! I am young and I am going to enjoy it! A friend gave me a great analogy today, and I think I am going to apply it from here on out: Chatting is like a movie preview…they can always make a movie look good, but when you finally see the movie, it may not be what you were hoping it was, so just don’t get your hopes up and instead be pleasantly surprised. I really liked that, good words of wisdom! I just wish that people would be a little more honest in their profile… I am taking a risk to be open and honest on mine, show me the same courtesy. Also, a note for my next date…do not drink 4 cups of coffee so late!

Why Not

My weekend turned out better than anticipated! The biggest thing that brought me joy was getting to talk to my friend mentioned in my previous post. I was so nervous how all of it would turn out, and I couldn’t be happier! He told me that unfortunately he did not have those same feelings for me, which I was okay with, and that no matter what happens, we would always remain friends! He is such a wonderful person and I am so glad to have him in my life! It was actually kind of funny, the more I thought about it, even if he did feel differently, I don’t know that I would have wanted more. The idea of dating someone who does not know me and who is not connected to any of this sounds great! I don’t want a guy with preconceived notions or perceptions of my previous relationship because of something he said. I want/need a neutral party. So that leads me to this…I signed up for online dating. The idea both frightens and excites me. I have given it a lot of thought and finally made me decision. I was against it because I felt like it was really soon after everything that happened, and I now have a lot of baggage. I also didn’t know how I felt about dating while I was still technically married, but I just really miss being around men and flirting. I figured that everyone is pretty much going to have some sort of baggage. So I decided that if I have the confidence to give my number out, then why not make a profile. Sidenote- I think I am adopting “Why Not” as my new motto! So I made a profile, threw up some pictures, one of which is the dreaded body shot, and figured that I would see what happens. I did say that I am not looking for anything more than friendship/casual dating and see if it leads to more because that is what I feel like I could handle right now. So I am playing the waiting game and seeing if I get anything. I am not exactly hopeful, but you never know, or rather, WHY NOT?!

Save the drama

Who knew that life could get so messy?! For those whoever say that life is dull and try to create drama…think again! I would give anything to have a dull life. This is just a little too crazy for my taste. So for the past few days I have been giddy over oil change boy and that lifted my mood a ton and has given me something to look forward to. So I get home last night and discover a financial issue that needs to be taken care of immediately and I need my husband’s help. I call him and am greeted angrily and can sense an attitude instantly. I explain the situation and somehow it turns into a pissing match. We are both at each other’s throats over anything and everything! I can feel the hatred building up in me as he takes jabs at me left and right, so I start throwing them back. The things he said were hurtful, but not nearly as hurtful as the fact that I could hear him literally enjoying the fact that he was hurting me and even caught him laughing at one point. That is the exact moment that I was glad it was over between us! Somehow the conversation turned to me moving on with a different man and I made a snide comment of the fact that I had moved on while keeping oil change boy in my mind. He snapped back saying he knew I did and he knew who it was. Let me preface this by quickly explaining that when we were dating, I started developing feelings for his friend. I told him all about it because I wanted to be upfront and honest. We eventually figured things out and I promised to bury my feelings and let it go and move on with him. His friend knew the feelings I had,  but we just all pretended that nothing happened and went on as normal. Over the years, my feelings grew for this man and I hid it deep down. I knew that I should not have these feelings but I was powerless. This man is pretty much the epitome of a perfect man! We get along great, have so many similar interests, he is gorgeous with all of the qualities I look for, and he is just an all around incredible person. Every now and then, I wondered what would have been had he felt the same. There were often times where I felt like he could feel the same by the things he has done and the way he acts, but my history with trying to figure men out never ended well. During one of our recent fights while separated, I told my husband that I was in love with his friend…mainly to hurt him but it was also a revelation of truth. His friend and I talk, though mainly through texts, and we have a pretty great relationship considering. So back to the conversation; he said he knew I was seeing his friend. His assumption was wrong but felt amused and thrilled that he would think that. I simply told him that my personal life is none of his business and stayed true to that statement through all of the badgering. I could tell it was bothering him and honestly, it felt good to finally get under his skin. The conversation ended with him hanging up on me. My husband has this habit to lie uncontrollably, especially if it benefits him, so all I could think about was the story he would tell his friend. I was afraid that he would try to sabotage our friendship with these lies, so I sent his friend a letter. I explained the situation, apologized, told him what sparked that accusation and how I felt about him, and then gave him an out if he wanted to end our friendship. The thought of losing him terrifies me like none other. I love him and it would be devastating to not have him in my life, in any facet, but I also don’t want to ruin any of his relationships because of what is going on. I haven’t heard from him yet, and I am not sure if that is a good thing or not. I just really want to talk to him and let him know everything I am feeling…I want to explain myself. I am not sure what is going to happen with it all, but I am trying to remain hopeful, that is all I can do!

Strange new territory

This new world I was thrown in feels so strange, but super exciting. My life in itself has been strange. I was always the chubby kid so for most of my life, I was outcast in school and overlooked by all of the boys. The only one that showed my any attention was in jr. high and he ended up being gay. For that full story, look in my earlier posts. I never dated in high school, and it was mostly due to immature boys in a hormone driven setting. My first day of college, I met my husband, and in between our dating timeframe, I dated another guy I met in college. My husband ended up being my first for everything. My first real date, my first kiss, my first break up, my first sexual experience, and so on. I really know nothing of the dating scene. I don’t know how to act, what to say, or what to do. I will also add that I am extremely impatient, which all of this adds for a train wreck! I am not saying that I am ready to start dating, but the idea is pretty dang exciting and scary as hell! My biggest obstacle is with self confidence. I was at on okay weight in college, but after my husband and I got together, I packed on the weight as most couples do. Now that he has left, and dating is becoming a reality, I have started working on my body to get comfortable with myself. I have lost nearly 50 pounds and have a few more to lose before I will be happy. This is such a huge thing for me as it has been a struggle my whole life. I have always been judged on how I look rather than who I am. But I will say that with the majority of my boy experience was in school, I really don’t know how men act today. Note, I also used the words boy and men in those scenarios because I would like to believe that the maturity between each has drastically changed.

 

So confession time… this topic was spawned by recent events. In the past few weeks, I have been prepping myself  to move on and leave my old life behind. I know as far as dating, I am not ready, and not sure when I will be, which makes the next thing I am about to say make absolutely no sense. Last week, I decided to take charge and take my car in for an oil change. My mom told me about ladies day at a chain store that offers a discount on a particular day. As I was heading out to the one I immediately thought of, I realized that there is one directly across the street from my work, so I went there. I will preface this by saying that I am not a moron, but I have never taken my car in for an oil change by myself. This is something that my husband always did for me or with me. So I parked the car, and went in. I was greeted by this incredibly gorgeous man with the most amazing eyes I have ever seen. He politely let me know that I needed to go around back and in my embarrassment, I revealed that I didn’t know what I was doing. He simply flashed me an adorable smile and gave me instructions. I spent a hour in that store and caught myself looking and smiling at him, and even caught him doing the same to me. He came in to talk about my car, and all I could do was stare into his eyes and listen to his smooth deep voice. Sadly, my time had come to leave, and I tried my best not to get flustered as I normally do around men. We struck up conversation and I told him that I worked across the street. He seemed interested in that and we talked for a few more minutes but then he had to return to work. He told me that I could come back whenever I wanted to for a car wash and smiled once more, and that was the last of our interaction. A few days later, I could not get this man out of my head! He was ridiculously hot, kind, great personality, and I had butterflies. I decided that since that store was not a place that I could frequent, I would go out on a limb and try to spark up conversation with him to see if there was anything. I am a believer in signs, though maybe I should reconsider this as they rarely work for me, but there were a lot of signs that kept popping up in my head. I went to this one instead of the other one, he was the one who helped me out of the other 10 guys, and he was just my type. I went back a few days later and he was not there and the car wash, aka my excuse, was out of order. I did end up finding out his name though. I gave it a few more days and went back. The car wash was working, but sadly, he was not. In my head, I rationalized that somehow, I needed to reach out to him and give him my number. I wrote out a cheesy note and ran it into the store and handed it to a guy asking it to give it to the hottie. My heart was racing and I was so nervous but oddly excited. I am not quite sure why I did what I did, and not entirely sure what I would do if he actually calls, but it felt liberating and refreshing doing something so outside of my comfort zone and something I would never do before. I had a smile plastered on my face all day! I am almost positive that he will not call, either because he will never receive it, or that he knows what I know, that he is so far out of my league. I think that was the reason it made it easier to give him my number, because a part of me knew he wouldn't call. I just keep imagining what it would be like to be so lucky to have a chance at getting to know this man, even if we just become friends. It will probably end up being a way to fantasize about my future and get excited about moving on with someone  else than a reality, but I don’t mind having an adorable face to fantasize about!

Refreshed!

This weekend and today have been a breath of fresh air and have helped me immensely in moving on. I packed the last of his stuff up in boxes, disassembled his mancave and made it my office, and today….. I took off my rings. Every time I looked down at my ring, I was filled with intense sadness of what will never be, all of the lies, broken promises, and of the failure that is my marriage. I didn’t want to take them off because it symbolized that I have become a failure and couldn’t make my marriage work. I was submitting to defeat and would somehow disappoint God by just giving up. But that just isn’t so. I did everything I possibly could and spent every waking minute trying to save my marriage, but it was fighting a losing battle. You can’t make a relationship work with just one person. I can keep my head held high knowing I fought hard and stayed true to who I am and what marriage stands for. But I can honestly say that it is over. I feel good about who I have become through all of this and I am looking forward to my future. I just want to have fun and find someone who will treat me the way I deserved to be treated! I will find that guy and I will have the family I always dreamed of. Just a shame that he couldn’t look past his affair and see what a truly wonderful thing he was giving up! I am on to bigger and better things! This world is full of endless possibilities!

New Year, New Beginings

Yesterday, I woke up on the very first day of 2013 in kind of a funk. I am still in the healing process of all of this, but my future is so uncertain that when I spend a lot of time thinking about it, my head spins and I literally feel ill. I started off the morning watching the Rose Parade, sipping on my coffee, and eating donut holes while pushing the start of my diet off 1 day. I became extremely restless and knew there were things I needed to do but didn’t know where to start. My mom and I started by tearing down the Christmas decorations and deep cleaning the house. That is when it hit me. If I was going to give the house a fresh start, then I should do the same for me. I went around with trash bags and boxes and began to rid the upstairs of any sign of him. I piled in clothes, knick knacks, pictures, and anything that remotely reminded me of him. It was incredibly hard but gave me such satisfaction and encouragement that everything will be okay. I decided that I would box everything up and set a date where he would come get all of the stuff I set out for him at once. I am tired of the random visits where I come back and discover things are missing. He left, he abandoned everything, then told me I could have everything only for him to raid the house when I am not there! It pisses me off and is really disrespectful! I am tired of being the nice guy and bending over backwards for him while he walks all over me! I deserve better! I have only asked him for a few things since he left and it is like pulling teeth. It was like a few weeks after he left and he called begging for me to help him by putting 4 new tires on my credit card so he could be safe on the road, and like a caring idiot, I did it. He only paid me back for about half of it and I just blew off the rest he owed me. So this week, when my dryer went out, and I have nothing left in savings, I thought that he might extend me that same courtesy and help me out with this. But nope, no such luck. It just sucks that I went from having someone to rely on and help me through life’s curve balls to having no one. It is a tough pill to swallow. I feel like I am getting stronger every day, and I can’t quite see the light and the end of the tunnel, but I believe I will get there someday. This is a new year filled with new possibilities and new adventures, and I am ready to take it on!

I ran across these lyrics this weekend and they were just so perfect that I had to share:

“I guess it's going to have to hurt, I guess I'm going to have to cry, And let go of some things I've loved to get to the other side. I guess it's going to break me down, Like fallin when you try to fly, Sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye”
― Carrie Underwood