New Year's Eve

Today is the last day of 2012, and I couldn’t be happier. This year has been absolutely horrible! 2013 has got to be better! This weekend was a weekend of realizations. Two weeks ago, I saw my husband for the first time in over a month. It started out pretty decent and ended terribly. We were both arguing and emotions were running high. At one point he told me he wanted to talk about us and our future but said he no longer felt like it since I was “showing my true colors”. Not only did that make me incredibly angry, but it really confused me. I had been slowly preparing myself for the fact that he may never come back, and then suddenly, a glimmer of hope reappeared. When he said that, I broke down and he left, never speaking about what needed to be said. A friend of mine told me about what her and her ex-husband did that was inspired by Sex and the City. Each person reflects upon their relationship, and thinks about their future and decides if they want to give it another go. A date and time are set in the near future at a specific place, and if they decide to try again, they show up. I thought this would be a grand romantic gesture that would also allow us to say what we wanted to do or what was in our hearts without speaking. I sent him a letter describing how I felt and told him that if he wanted to give us a second chance then meet me on Sunday December 30^th at 2pm in front of the movie theater where we had our first date. I got no response. Time went on and the day was approaching. On Saturday, he came to the house to visit our dog and I was out. I returned home to a note saying that he would not be meeting me so it is best not to waste my time. I was crushed. I really wasn’t sure how it would turn out, part of me thought he would show up while the other part thought he would disappoint me. It was decided right then and there with a simple fucking note. I sent him a text and thanked him for deciding and asked him to file paperwork this week. I am so hurt and devastated. I thought he loved me, and I thought he would be the one man in my life that would never hurt me or cheat on me. I was wrong, dead wrong! So I sit here on New Year’s Eve with my life in shambles so unsure of my future and knowing that soon I will be divorced. I will have an ex-husband and a ruined image of men. He took so much from me and it sucks! I really love him but at the same time, I hate him! I hate how he could do this to me. How time after time, he could rip my heart out like it was nothing. I hate how he ruined my life! I hate how he could so easily leave and be with someone else like he has no conscience. That was probably the worst moment of my life. So I guess in 2013 I will look forward to receiving my papers. I don’t know what my future holds, but it HAS to be better than this. I had someone tell me that I see the good in the world, and that is how I remain optimistic, however, I really feel like that is something else he took from me because it is really hard to stay positive and hopeful that I will one day be happy when all of this has happened to me. I hope that this year restores my positivity, brings me good luck, introduces me to a man who sees just how wonderful I am, and puts me back on the path to happiness.

Happy New Years to all! May this year be all you ever dreamed of!

Word of the day

The word TRUTH has been thrown around a lot today in various conversations. I have a ton of things that come to my mind every time I hear that word so I thought I would get them out. When I think of truth, I immediately think about myself and wonder if I am being truthful. I think about the things I have said and done recently and reflect on things I have said and done in the past. I like to think of myself as a fairly honest person. I may throw around a lie or two about having a headache or how many cookies I have eaten, but for the most part, I am honest. I think because as a child growing up, I had a lot of fake people in my life that were incredibly dishonest and it hurt me. I never understood why someone would choose to lie. I also felt slighted like for some reason, I did not deserve the truth. It wasn’t until I got into my teen years that I discovered that there were in fact many reasons why people lied. I realized that if I lied to my mom about the things I have done wrong, that I wouldn’t have to face the consequences and admit my wrong doings. I mean, who likes to admit when they have done something wrong? My first few lies flew out and landed as if they were meant to. I never gave it a second thought. Then one day, I told a lie that turned into a bigger lie and when I got caught in both, I had to confess and bear witness to the look of disappointment in my mom’s eyes. Then the realization that I had become one of those people, one of the people who had hurt me with their lies. That changed how I viewed situations and the choices I made. I am not saying I have never lied since then, because that in itself would be a lie, but I definitely make a solid effort in trying not to lie and be as open and honest as I can.

Today, I received a message from a frenemie. I call her this, because I tried on more than one occasion to befriend her, but the type of person she is prevented us from ever becoming friends. This message was a very vague message simply asking me why I do not like her and she thought I was targeting her for something. As I confronted her and the many reasons why we are not friends, she began spewing out information and admitting to the countless lies she told me. The one that shocked me the most actually hurts the most. We worked at a place together for a year or so, and while we were working together, we were also hanging out frequently. A few co-workers approached me one day and told me that I should know that she has been saying horrible things about me. She told them how I was a horrible and lazy person, I didn’t deserve to be with my (at the time) fiancé, and he would be so much happier with her. Keep in mind, at that time, she was engaged as well. I was hurt and devastated. A few nights later, it was driving me crazy and I confronted her. She cried and said she didn’t say anything like that and these co-workers hated her and were making her life hell telling a bunch of lies. So, I put it all aside, and continued on my way, never fully believing her. She admitted today that she said those things. I just don’t understand people and their motives. Did I really deserve to be lied to and talked about in that way? Lies hurt and destroy people. I am so sick of being lied to! I would rather have no interaction with people at all then to be lied to once.

I just found it ironic that the same day I keep hearing truth, this comes out. I pride myself on my honesty and will continue to live that way!

Some things never change

Today is a bit of a rough day for me. I am just going through so many different emotions and thoughts that I had to get off my chest. I am having a hard time comprehending everything that has happened. I still don’t know how my life got so out of control and changed so drastically. Four months ago I was happy, truly happy. I had a great job that I love going to, My mom finally left to start her life and she was happy, I had a wonderful and loving husband that I loved spending time with, we were going through fertility treatments to start our family, we have a wonderful house that we purchased, and we had wonderful friends that we were always doing things with. Fast forward to today, and I still have that same wonderful job and friends, but lost everything else. I went from being truly happy to utterly miserable! In an instant, all of my dreams vanished! I had said for a long time that I wanted to be pregnant before I turned 28. As it approached, I realized that it wasn’t going to happen, but I had it in my heart that we would have our Christmas miracle and get pregnant then. He was on fertility treatments that I truly believed would work and I just knew we would get pregnant. I was robbed of that dream! I didn’t even get a chance, and now I sit back watching everyone I know getting knocked up and it hurts! That is all I have ever wanted was to have a family! A husband who loved and cherished me, and children that filled our house and hearts with love and joy! Instead, I get an empty house, empty bed, and an empty heart! I hate sitting back and watching everyone’s dreams come true. It is extremely selfish, and I know that, but those are my honest feelings! I am also extremely irritated with my marriage right now as I feel like I am back in high school. When I was 12, I met this wonderful person who was the first boy to show any interest in me. We became best friends and I fell in love with him. When I say love, I mean the first love kind of love. I have come to know true love and with that came the realization that what I probably felt for him was lust. In any case, I fell for him. He was the type of person who liked to show off for large groups of people, but when we were alone, he was incredible. We had such a wonderful friendship and though I expressed my feelings to him, it always remained a friendship. It was extremely confusing because when we were alone, we acted as though we were more. We went to the movies and cuddled together in the chairs and held hands. We would lay in bed together just talking, talk for hours on the phone, and were nearly inseparable. I prayed every night that we would end up together. I plotted little scenarios in my head of how I could get him to see me in that way, or get him to change his mind. I put so much effort into trying to win him over that I pretty much forgot who I was or that others existed. It became an obsession. I didn’t have a lot going for me, but he gave me so much attention and made me feel good that I decided that there was no one else. So for about 6 years, I followed him around like a puppy and exhausted every option I had in this crusade. Then I met my husband and everything else changed. It wasn’t until just recently that I found out my first love was actually gay. I share that story because I feel like I have ended back in that same place and it makes me ill! Here I am, planning little scenarios in my head on how I can win my husband back. Praying every day and night that he comes back to me. Trying to figure out what drastic changes I can make, what profound words I can say, and what plans I can make to make him love me again and give our marriage a second chance. In reality, I am as helpless now as I was then. No matter what I do, or what I say, it is not changing anything and I feel just as foolish and pathetic as I did then! I don’t want to go through life chasing someone who won’t change. It’s not healthy and all it will do is hurt me in the long run. I want to live life, I want someone who doesn’t want to play games and who will love me and treat me the way I deserve. I want my happily ever after. I know it won’t be like a true fairy tale as everything in life takes work, but I know for damn sure that I do not want to fall back to my old ways and waste time chasing someone who doesn’t want me. I haven’t given up on my marriage, but I do believe that if it is truly over, I will be okay. I will be happy one day, and I will have my dreams come true!

Waiting game can suck it!

Just as I was starting to accept things as they are and prepare myself to move on, I get a phone call from him. There is a power that cannot be explained that he has when he opens his mouth to speak. I become weak and immediately let me guard down. Every day that passes, I get a little stronger and miss him a little bit less, or so I thought, because as soon as he spoke, all of that went out of the window and I miss him more than ever before! The conversation went pretty good, and he is actually going to come over on Saturday, which will be roughly a month and a half since I have seen him. I am excited to see him and for him to see me. I am about 8 pounds away from losing a total of 50! I just hope and pray that it goes smoothly and that God is with me and gives me the same strength and wisdom as he did the last time. He is coming over to see our dog, so I assume that the time I spend with him will be short which would actually be preferred so that emotions don’t run too high and a fight doesn’t break out. But with all of that being said, I am even more confused than before. He said something that really stuck with me, he said “It’s been almost a month since I have heard your voice”. He could have said it’s almost been a month since I talked to you, but heard your voice gave it an honest quality to it that he may actually miss me. That made me miss him more and gave me a glimmer of hope that he may be thinking of coming back. He also asked me if we had kids, would I prevent him from seeing them the same way he thinks I am preventing him from seeing our dog, and that pissed me off! I would like to think that if we had kids, he would have never cheated to begin with, and that he would have given some effort into making our marriage work instead of giving up like he did! Really, all I want at this point is a decision! If he wants to come back, that would make me so incredibly happy and would give me something to work towards and on. I could put all of my efforts into making the marriage work and focus my mind on that. If he really is done, than I want him to file paperwork so I can finally move on and get into that mind frame. I am so tired of being in limbo, and I am done putting my life on hold! I want to be married and have children. I am not young anymore, and I hate sitting here wasting time. My best friend just found out she is having twins, and while I am ecstatic for her, that was my dream, to be married with twins on the way, and I am so tired of watching my dreams fall further and further away! I deserve to be happy and have my dreams come true as well! So I am praying that this weekend gives me clarity or a direction.

Not what it used to be

Feeling so confused and frustrated lately. I sat down last night before bed and wrote an entry on my phones notepad. It made me feel better to get my feelings out, but then it opened the door to more thinking and processing more of my feelings. I will share my thoughts last night before I get into my thoughts that followed.

Today was “her” birthday and I can't help but to think about all the ways he probably was there for her today and all he did for her today, but on my birthday, I got nothing! How can my husband treat me like complete an utter shit and give his love and attention to someone else?! I wonder if he did all of the things with her that he did with me. Did he wish her happy birthday at midnight? Did he get her a card and flowers? Did they do dinner together? Did he spend the day with her? Did he shower her with gifts and praise? All of these things are driving me crazy!! How could he hurt me this badly? He has to know that this is killing me, but it doesn't seem to be enough! I am tired of this! I used to dream about his return, his kiss, his touch, his smile, but now, I dream of meeting a man who will treat me right! I dream of dating, flirting, sharing firsts with someone who thinks I am worth something! I dream of a new life filled with love, happiness, a future, and children. As time passes, the image of him slowly fades from those dreams. How long does he expect me to hold on?! If he is truly done, then let me go, don't keep me here praying and waiting everyday for a return that will never happen! After all the pain and heartache he caused, that is the least he could do! Either that or be a man, admit your mistakes and come back, but decide!!

After I wrote that, I had the overwhelming rush of sadness. Not the sadness that I have grown used to, but sadness that I am not missing him nearly as much as I used to. Going to bed at night used to be painful as I no longer had a husband to sleep next to, but now, I enjoy getting into bed and reading or listening to music alone. I feel my life getting into a routine that no longer includes him. It seems like those days spent with him are becoming such a distant memory, and now seem a little foreign. I feel like I may be transitioning into the closure phase. I am not necessarily giving up on us, but I don’t feel the need to keep pursuing it either. I guess I have fully given it to God, I feel at peace.

Music makes the world go 'round

It always amazes me how music can have such an effect on me. If there is a really good song, it can completely overtake my heart and change my mood. I became fascinated with music at an early age and have had an obsession with it ever since. I would have no problem choosing music over television or internet. I just love how music makes me feel and how some songs hold so much meaning or symbolize a moment in my life. I always thought Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” was such a powerful love song. You can hear her feelings of passion and love pour out with each word she sings. I always envisioned having a love that strong and meaningful, one where all that mattered is that we were together and living in that moment. Then I fell in love with “Time of My Life” from Dirty Dancing. It was such a fun and flirty song that pictured me dancing with my love until I could barely move never breaking eye contact as love filled us both. Those two songs are a lethal combination to model a relationship after, though it still continues to be a dream of mine! Then there are classics like my namesake Crystal Gayle, Cher, Patsy Cline, and Conway Twitty who all have pure and raw talent that also captured my attention. They probably hold more meaning to me because of the memories of my childhood where my mother and I would sing an entire album start to finish and I felt so mature and filled with inspiration, like anything was possible. Music helped me through the rough waters of the teenage years. I felt like no one else understood me except for the people playing through my speakers. I loved spending days upon days in my room or outside just listening to music, daydreaming, imagining what each person felt or experienced in every song I heard. As an adult, my thoughts have still not changed, and I value music more than I have before. Every sad song that I heard as a child, teenager, or in my early twenties I hear in a completely different way. A year ago, I could hear the pain in Adele’s voice, but I never fully understood until now. I don’t feel alone, and I actually feel inspired. These people, without even knowing it, are helping me through the toughest time in my life and I am forever grateful to them. There is absolutely nothing like putting on a song that touches your soul when you feel like you are at your lowest. Even something happy and upbeat. I heard a song just yesterday that had such a romantic feel to it, and I could picture myself dancing with a gorgeous man and taking on the feelings of love and overwhelming joy. I need that hope and inspiration. I don’t know where I would be if there was no music left in the world.

Refreshed mind and heart

I had such a fun and amazing weekend getaway with my bestie that left me feeling refreshed and refocused! It was so nice to leave the state, leave all of my stress and worries behind, and just enjoy the weekend! I am so thankful for the wonderful friends I have in my life! While I was visiting my friend, she told me this incredible story of Jeremy Camp, a Christian singer/songwriter. To sum it up, he had this girlfriend who he was madly in love with and they dated for quite a long time, and suddenly, without cause, started to push away from him and eventually ended their relationship. He was devastated, didn’t understand why it happened, but eventually moved on. A little while after, a friend contacted him saying his ex-girlfriend was in the hospital severely sick with cancer. He then realized that the cancer was the reason she ended it, she did not want to put him through it all, so she called it quits. He rushed to be with her, declared his love for her, and spent every moment at her bedside caring for her. Things started looking up and eventually entered remission. In October 2000, they got married. As they were celebrating with their honeymoon, she received a call from her doctor saying that the cancer had come back, and this time, it was too late and there was nothing that could be done. She turned to God and accepted that she would soon be with him and asked that Jeremy write and sing worship music while she laid in bed. In February 2001, she passed away. Through all of the sadness and devastation, he continued to glorify God and sing his praise which he was told by God to do. Today, he is married with 2 little girls. That story really opened my eyes and gave me a whole new perspective. Jeremy had some intense and rough seasons in his life, but he continued to reach out towards God and glorify him. God knew his sadness and knew that he had great things in store for his life. My obstacle is nothing like Jeremy’s, but it gave me inspiration and hope. He knew God would take care of him and had great things for him, so he gave it all to God and grew stronger spiritually when he could have easily taken a different path and given up. I always say that I am giving it to God, though I still tend to act as though I have some divine power to change my circumstances and telling God that I am not sure I trust in him enough to handle this, so I will take care of it. I truly believe in my heart that God will provide, He will get me through this season, and He has amazing plans for me. I may not understand this plan right now, and I do not know when this season will end, but I am giving it to him completely! I love knowing that I have someone who loves me faithfully and who will always be there! I used this verse once before, but I really feel like it applies and really speaks to where my heart is at this moment!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11