Weathering the storm!

Not gonna lie, yesterday was a hard day! All week last week, I kept checking in anticipation for my period to start so I could start the process for IUI. Finally, on Sunday, Aunt Flow arrived just on time! This was the first time I was actually excited for it to come! I darted out of the bathroom grinning! I told D why I couldn’t stop smiling and he joined right in with me. It was official, we are on our way to the land of insemination! Yesterday morning, I called my doctor to set up the CD2/3 ultrasound for precautionary reasons to check that all looks okay, make sure I am not currently pregnant, and to get a full timeline for this month. They had a 9am, so I took it. Called my boss and was able to go in afterwards rather than driving to work just to turn back around and head to the doctors. I sat in the parking lot for a half an hour just listening to music and planning the dates in my head growing more anxious by the minute. It was finally time to go in! I jumped in the elevator and made my way towards the office. I did the usual workup and went to the examination room. My doctor came in, we briefly talked about why she is doing the ultrasound, talked about when to take the Letrozole, and then she began. Much to our surprise, I have developed a cyst on the left side of my ovaries. It is roughly 3 cm and decided to fuck up my day! Here I was, everything planned out in my head, FINALLY ready to get the show on the road, and then THIS! I was crushed! Tears filled my eyes as I laid there in disbelief of what was on the monitor. Because it is on my left side, the side she wants to use, and the fact that the Letrozle aids in the growth of these, my IUI was canceled. These things are completely normal and pretty common from what I have read. They typically hang around a cycle or two and the go away. I had an ultrasound the end of January, but it had not been checked since. So this cyst, this pain in my fucking ass, could either be on its way out, or it could be hanging around uninvited for the next few months! Unfuckingbelivable! I still haven’t quite sorted my feelings out on this! The very month we are to start this, and I have this lovely little cyst, smirking at me, saying ‘NOPE’, right in my face! It is so hard not to feel like this is an attack, like an intentional slap to the face. I tried so hard staying positive and turning it around yesterday, but it was so hard. So now, we wait! AGAIN! I have another wonderful 30 days of torture before we get to see if this little bastard packed his bags and hit the road, or if he is loafing off my ovary for another month! Praying every day that this goes away and I get to try again next month!

Last week was National Infertility Awareness week, and as I watched a few videos from a channel I subscribe to, I heard something I feel in love with. ‘Saying someone can’t be sad because someone else may have it worse, is just like saying someone can’t be happy because someone else may have it better.” This is something that I constantly battle with, especially yesterday. I was so incredibly sad, and a little angry. And I kept telling myself, it could have been worse. I could have an irreversible condition that leaves me totally infertile. It could be worse. Well, yes, it could be, but it also could be better. What happened yesterday was devastating to me, and I was sad. I absolutely had the right to be sad and cry and feel a little sorry for myself. And then move on. Anyone with infertility has the right to feel how they feel. No matter what you have that causes your infertility, it just plain sucks and you have the right to feel sad! You also have the right to feel happy. Anyone who has suffered through infertility and has made it through the light at the end of the tunnel with their bundle of joy has the right to be happy without feeling any guilt! Guilt is one of the strongest emotions I have felt through all of this. Guilt for having infertility in the first place, like somehow, I could have prevented this. Guilt for getting upset at something that still allows me the chance to conceive. I did something I didn’t think I would do last night. I took to my Facebook to release some of the guilt and frustration I had been feeling. This is what I posted:


So last week was National Infertility Awareness week, and I was going to post something about it, but i found myself feeling completely embarrassed that people would know that I suffer from infertility. For me personally, it makes me feel inferior as a woman, a failure, and like I am to blame for this. But the truth is, I am not. Infertility is just like any other illness out there, it doesn't chose based on looks, life choices or circumstance; it attacks with no rhyme or reason. This has been one of the hardest things I have gone through in my entire life, it is almost all consuming. It's typically discovered because you are unsuccessfully trying to have a baby and seek medical assistance. At that point, you already have a strong desire in your heart for this child. This is something I struggle with everyday and I am fighting the good fight! I decided to write this today because it was something that was in my heart and I didn't want to feel all of that guilt for having infertility or have it be something I was hiding. For anyone who is struggling with infertility, you are not alone and it is not your fault!

So anyone out there who may be reading this, I want you to know that you are not alone! Nobody can understand what we are going through except for those of us who are weathering this storm! It too shall pass!

Should be working......

Within the last few days, I have become extremely nervous, antsy, and very emotional. My upcoming monthly friend can be reason enough for most of it, but the fact that in about a month, I could very well be pregnant, has almost everything to do with my emotions! I am due to start my period in about 4 days. From there, I go in for an ultrasound to get the okay from my doctor, and then I start my meds. It is so surreal to be at this place in my life. I thought I was this close before, but ended up being miles away from it. Now I know exactly how close I am, and while it is ridiculously exciting, it is equally as terrifying! In a month, for the first time in my life, I could be pregnant! I think the thing that makes me the most nervous are success rates and whether or not it will work on the first try. I have this terrible habit of using Google for EVERYTHING! Google is a wonderful tool, don’t get me wrong, but when it comes to things in the medical field, it can give you horribly wrong information, or frankly, scare the living shit outta you! Always a fan of modern technology, but in this instance, I need to show some restrain and not Google every freaking thing about infertility and pregnancy! I spent countless hours last week perusing pages and pages of blogs, all from women who have gone through IUI’s hoping for some insight into this process or my success rates. There were so many combinations of people and outcomes, it really didn’t clarify anything for me! I pretty much learned that this process is not in my hands. Deciding to do it is all of the say I have in this matter. The doctors are responsible for the procedure, and it is up to God and nature for the rest to happen. All I can do is sit and wait. For an impatient person such as myself, this is torturous! I am ready for this to happen, for me to give it my all and hope/pray for the best! I am hopeful but also realistic. It may not happen on the first try, or possibly even the second, but I will not give up hope! I will be pregnant, and I will have a beautiful, wonderful, healthy and happy baby! For now, I wait. Better get used to this waiting thing! More updates to come on this grand adventure I am setting out on!

All Systems GO

Getting one step closer……got the all okay to do the IUI! D and I had our appointment with the doctor to discuss all of our test results and to come together to make a plan. All of my tests had come out great, considering my newly diagnosed condition. The only other foreseeable complication was that D was borderline on his count. He had about 16 million as opposed to the typical 20 million. Our doctor said that with both of those circumstances that we face, we could try on our own, it wouldn’t be impossible, just harder than most. She recommended that we highly consider the IUI, which I was all for! Our timeline as of now, is shooting for sometime in early May! I am already in the first week of my cycle, so we are going to time it for the next cycle, which happens towards the end of April.  I was instantly excited and a bit terrified! She walked through how the whole procedure will take place, which I liked a lot. I will take a drug similar to Clomid but that is not as concentrated. Since I only have half a uterus, she is worried about me conceiving twins, so lower dose means lower risk of multiples. I will take that drug for 5 days. After that, I will do an ultrasound close to ovulation that will show if my follicle looks good and is mature enough. If all looks good, I do a trigger shot (injection) that freaks me out, and a few days after the trigger shot, it is time for the IUI itself. D will go on the day of the procedure and give his ‘sample’. They will wash it and prep it so they are ready for the mighty swim and give it a little boost, like Red Bull for sperm! A few hours later, they will perform the IUI and inseminate me, hopefully resulting in pregnancy!

Ahhhh! This seems so surreal, I can’t believe I am finally going to do this! The fact that I get to do the IUI in the first place is like a miracle to me! Never thought I would be at this place in my life, at least this soon! I couldn't be happier! One of D’s friends had a baby this last week, and when we went to visit them in the hospital, D could not take his eyes off the baby, I swear he even got teary eyed! After we left the hospital, he talked about his excitement for our appointment and how he really wanted our baby! Was so wonderful to hear that and to feel his excitement! I often wondered if I am pushing him into this or getting him pumped up for something he really isn’t too thrilled with, but I now I know!  I am incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful man who not only loves me, but supports me, and chooses to share his love and life with me! This girl is truly happy and has a smile from ear to ear that won’t leave her face!

D and I decided to start a scrapbook of pictures from our fertility journey. So here is the first one. This is in our RE's office after we decided to go with the IUI! Never felt happier!