Negative but feeling Positive

Well, this cycle was a no-go. Honestly, I didn't really expect it to happen this month. It was the first month for everything, starting Clomid for the second time in my life, and starting Crinone for the very first time. Not only that, but it was a really odd time for D and I to get into a groove and this month was really about working out all the kinks. I knew that this would probably be a challenge for D as he is not used to this world of infertility. He has had children with other women who haven't had any problems, so he had no idea what he was in for. The biggest challenge for him was the whole structure of this, or more frankly, the scheduled baby making. He is not used to putting himself in the mood on command. And as much as I would love for him to be that kind of person and to understand the necessity of doing it on the days that I ovulate, it has been one of the biggest struggles of this month. I think that this month will be a whole lot better since he now understands this situation a bit better and has an understanding of how expensive this is and he is taking it more serious. I really feel good about this next month.....this could be the month!

This month didn't leave me empty-handed however. I know that the Clomid is the correct dosage and I did in fact ovulate, which was a huge concern. I learned how to successfully take Corinne, which was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be, and I also learned a valuable lesion on the extreme side effect that came from Crinone, which  mimic pregnancy symptoms. I had slight cramping with a full feeling in my lower abdomen, extremely sore breasts and nipples and a slight enlargement in my breasts. I felt fatigue as well as frequent urination. So I pretty much learned that the only real sign of pregnancy that I am going to experience is a BFP! So while I didn't achieve that BFP this month, I actually feel like this month was how it was supposed to be. A month of trial, error, knowledge and a test of my emotions. I am a better place with all of this, and I was actually incredibly surprised at how well I was able to get through this compared to years past. Maybe my maturity played a part in this, or perhaps it was having D's daughter around to help ease the pain. Either way, I feel really good about this. I very much feel like this is the perfect time to try and I don't think I have ever felt this happy or hopeful! For now, I will wait to get that lovely AF and start over again, and will be back with updates soon!

Ovulated, and it feels so good!

It worked! The clomid has officially worked! And how do I know this? My Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor displayed that lovely little egg emblem that I have longed to see again! I OVULATED! This may be an easy feat for most, but ovulating does not come easy to me. I have low progesterone as well as a luteal phase defect which required me to be on Clomid to help with the ovulation and Crinone to help with the LPD. It has been about 3 years since the last time I took Clomid and have been really nervous about how effective it would be on my body this time around. This is my 1^st cycle using it, and much to my surprise and enjoyment, I got that lovely ‘Peak Fertility’ that I have been dreaming about! It felt so unbelievably good just to see that little egg staring at me, I could almost see it grinning!

I leaped out of the bathroom with my ear to ear smile and showed D! He smiled nearly as big as me and said ‘Congrats!’ and we both started to tear up a little. We are emotional freaks! Now we are on to a few more days of fun before I start Crinone and keep our fingers crossed and prayers flying while we do the dreaded two week wait! Not looking forward to those, but if it gets me closer, if not all the way to that little pink plus sign, it is all worth it! Still shocked that I am writing about this again, feels unreal! Life is amazing! We had a conversation at lunch today about things in our past we would do-over or erase. If you asked me a few years ago, I would have given you a list a mile long, nearly all of them having to do with my ex-husband, but now, I am living this life that is filled with love and happiness far above what I imagined, and it is all because of the things that have happened in my life thus far. So no, I wouldn't change or erase a thing. Every bit of pain was worth it! So now I will get back to work with my ear to ear smile and enjoy the blissful feeling of knowing that I am on the right path, and I have ovulated!

Phase one, complete!

We are officially at the baby making stage, which I must say, is the best stage of all! I ended the first round of Clomid on Friday. For the most part, it went pretty well. Only had minimal side effects from the Clomid which included light cramping, dizziness, irritability, and a small headache. Pretty much symptoms of a period, an easy trade-off if you ask me! I also started testing on my Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor on Friday and got my first official ‘High Fertility’ bar yesterday. I am pretty sure I would have had it Sunday, but I overslept and missed my testing window. I am super excited to see that it at least registered with High, now I am patiently waiting to see that lovely little egg symbol on my monitor to tell me that I am in ‘Peak Fertility’ territory, and that will let me know that the Clomid took and I can start the Crinone Gel, which I am so not looking forward to taking! I hear very mixed reviews, but it just doesn’t seem like it is going to be the highlight of this journey. So my window of opportunity for D and I to try would be now through the weekend. I don’t want there to be any stress for D, as I know he has a lot of responsibility and I can sense that the pressure may get to him. He has been  so wonderful about all of this, and we have been able to talk openly about everything and make some jokes about schedules and such. I am so in love with this man and this whole process with D has been great! The positivity and encouragement that he provides lets me know that this was absolutely the right time! I am looking forward to this next week! I am going to keep my fingers crossed, pray, and stay positive as I impatiently wait for the results!

And off we go!

Day one…….day one of this miraculous mission. Today is the day I took my first pill! The feeling this morning was blissful with a hint of disbelief. I honestly never thought I would be back at this place in my life, on the road to creating life. Not only did I meet someone who turned out to be nothing short of amazing, but he wants to have children with me. Two years ago, I felt hopeless, defeated, broken and lost all sense of hope. The man who was supposed to share his life with mine until death do us part devastated me and I had to watch as all of those hopes and dreams came crashing down. I had no confidence or self esteem and assumed that my life could and would never be as good as it was. I lost everything. Fast forward to today……I am with the love of my life, I have this wonderful little girl in my life that makes everything brighter, and now we are trying for kids of our own. It’s laughable that all of those thoughts even crossed my mind! I have someone who loves and respects me, not the man who took vows that meant nothing. My life is much, much better off without him! 

So here I am, starting this journey all over again, with even much more hope than ever before, but with the same amount of fear; fear that all of this won’t work. I feel ready, really ready for this journey into motherhood. I know it will be emotional, as I am not really expecting my first month to work, but I feel in my heart that I will hold my child, our child, in my arms very soon! I am taking this one day and one pill at a time! Here’s to Clomid, cheers to the baby making!