Negative but feeling Positive

Well, this cycle was a no-go. Honestly, I didn't really expect it to happen this month. It was the first month for everything, starting Clomid for the second time in my life, and starting Crinone for the very first time. Not only that, but it was a really odd time for D and I to get into a groove and this month was really about working out all the kinks. I knew that this would probably be a challenge for D as he is not used to this world of infertility. He has had children with other women who haven't had any problems, so he had no idea what he was in for. The biggest challenge for him was the whole structure of this, or more frankly, the scheduled baby making. He is not used to putting himself in the mood on command. And as much as I would love for him to be that kind of person and to understand the necessity of doing it on the days that I ovulate, it has been one of the biggest struggles of this month. I think that this month will be a whole lot better since he now understands this situation a bit better and has an understanding of how expensive this is and he is taking it more serious. I really feel good about this next month.....this could be the month!

This month didn't leave me empty-handed however. I know that the Clomid is the correct dosage and I did in fact ovulate, which was a huge concern. I learned how to successfully take Corinne, which was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be, and I also learned a valuable lesion on the extreme side effect that came from Crinone, which  mimic pregnancy symptoms. I had slight cramping with a full feeling in my lower abdomen, extremely sore breasts and nipples and a slight enlargement in my breasts. I felt fatigue as well as frequent urination. So I pretty much learned that the only real sign of pregnancy that I am going to experience is a BFP! So while I didn't achieve that BFP this month, I actually feel like this month was how it was supposed to be. A month of trial, error, knowledge and a test of my emotions. I am a better place with all of this, and I was actually incredibly surprised at how well I was able to get through this compared to years past. Maybe my maturity played a part in this, or perhaps it was having D's daughter around to help ease the pain. Either way, I feel really good about this. I very much feel like this is the perfect time to try and I don't think I have ever felt this happy or hopeful! For now, I will wait to get that lovely AF and start over again, and will be back with updates soon!

Ovulated, and it feels so good!

It worked! The clomid has officially worked! And how do I know this? My Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor displayed that lovely little egg emblem that I have longed to see again! I OVULATED! This may be an easy feat for most, but ovulating does not come easy to me. I have low progesterone as well as a luteal phase defect which required me to be on Clomid to help with the ovulation and Crinone to help with the LPD. It has been about 3 years since the last time I took Clomid and have been really nervous about how effective it would be on my body this time around. This is my 1^st cycle using it, and much to my surprise and enjoyment, I got that lovely ‘Peak Fertility’ that I have been dreaming about! It felt so unbelievably good just to see that little egg staring at me, I could almost see it grinning!

I leaped out of the bathroom with my ear to ear smile and showed D! He smiled nearly as big as me and said ‘Congrats!’ and we both started to tear up a little. We are emotional freaks! Now we are on to a few more days of fun before I start Crinone and keep our fingers crossed and prayers flying while we do the dreaded two week wait! Not looking forward to those, but if it gets me closer, if not all the way to that little pink plus sign, it is all worth it! Still shocked that I am writing about this again, feels unreal! Life is amazing! We had a conversation at lunch today about things in our past we would do-over or erase. If you asked me a few years ago, I would have given you a list a mile long, nearly all of them having to do with my ex-husband, but now, I am living this life that is filled with love and happiness far above what I imagined, and it is all because of the things that have happened in my life thus far. So no, I wouldn't change or erase a thing. Every bit of pain was worth it! So now I will get back to work with my ear to ear smile and enjoy the blissful feeling of knowing that I am on the right path, and I have ovulated!

Phase one, complete!

We are officially at the baby making stage, which I must say, is the best stage of all! I ended the first round of Clomid on Friday. For the most part, it went pretty well. Only had minimal side effects from the Clomid which included light cramping, dizziness, irritability, and a small headache. Pretty much symptoms of a period, an easy trade-off if you ask me! I also started testing on my Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor on Friday and got my first official ‘High Fertility’ bar yesterday. I am pretty sure I would have had it Sunday, but I overslept and missed my testing window. I am super excited to see that it at least registered with High, now I am patiently waiting to see that lovely little egg symbol on my monitor to tell me that I am in ‘Peak Fertility’ territory, and that will let me know that the Clomid took and I can start the Crinone Gel, which I am so not looking forward to taking! I hear very mixed reviews, but it just doesn’t seem like it is going to be the highlight of this journey. So my window of opportunity for D and I to try would be now through the weekend. I don’t want there to be any stress for D, as I know he has a lot of responsibility and I can sense that the pressure may get to him. He has been  so wonderful about all of this, and we have been able to talk openly about everything and make some jokes about schedules and such. I am so in love with this man and this whole process with D has been great! The positivity and encouragement that he provides lets me know that this was absolutely the right time! I am looking forward to this next week! I am going to keep my fingers crossed, pray, and stay positive as I impatiently wait for the results!

And off we go!

Day one…….day one of this miraculous mission. Today is the day I took my first pill! The feeling this morning was blissful with a hint of disbelief. I honestly never thought I would be back at this place in my life, on the road to creating life. Not only did I meet someone who turned out to be nothing short of amazing, but he wants to have children with me. Two years ago, I felt hopeless, defeated, broken and lost all sense of hope. The man who was supposed to share his life with mine until death do us part devastated me and I had to watch as all of those hopes and dreams came crashing down. I had no confidence or self esteem and assumed that my life could and would never be as good as it was. I lost everything. Fast forward to today……I am with the love of my life, I have this wonderful little girl in my life that makes everything brighter, and now we are trying for kids of our own. It’s laughable that all of those thoughts even crossed my mind! I have someone who loves and respects me, not the man who took vows that meant nothing. My life is much, much better off without him! 

So here I am, starting this journey all over again, with even much more hope than ever before, but with the same amount of fear; fear that all of this won’t work. I feel ready, really ready for this journey into motherhood. I know it will be emotional, as I am not really expecting my first month to work, but I feel in my heart that I will hold my child, our child, in my arms very soon! I am taking this one day and one pill at a time! Here’s to Clomid, cheers to the baby making! 

One Day in Bearadise

This weekend was just absolutely magical. I celebrated my 30^th birthday, and what I thought was going to be a tough one turned out to be the best one of my life! I took the day off work and had a fun filled day. It started off with some yummy donuts and presents in a fully decorated house courtesy of my mother and D. We enjoyed the morning together before my mother and I got ready and spent the afternoon shopping. Lunch at Ted’s Montana Grill was incredible and I indulged in a lot of my freebies! I got back home around 4 where I got packed for a weekend at a cabin with D and his sister and friends. It was this breathtaking cabin just outside of Woodland Park aptly named ‘Bearadise’ as it was purely paradise. It has 4 private bedrooms, a hot tub, air hockey table, tons of games and entertainment areas and the blissful atmosphere that put us all at ease. We arrived at this beauty a few minutes ahead of D’s sister and when we entered, it was decked out in decoration and some bottles of wine to help ease the pain of turning 30 :) We toasted with some wine to celebrate the start of what was sure to be a lovely weekend! About 3 hours into our mini stay-cation, D took me downstairs to our room and we basked in our newly found privacy. We shared this wonderful moment that really made me feel like I was in the presence of true love. He told me to sit tight and he would be right back. He was gone for a few minutes and returned telling me to close my eyes. I did so, and opened them a minute later to him kneeling before me with a mini hat box. He told me that he had one last gift for me. He wanted me to know that this isn’t just some fleeting thing for him, he was in it for the long haul. He loves me and wants a future with me. He told me to open the box. Inside this beautiful box contained 2 baby pacifiers to which he said, ‘I hope he or she enjoys them! I want a baby with you!’ And the tears poured out! I scooped him up in my arms and cried tears of pure joy! Never have I felt so loved and so happy in my life! It was truly the most amazing gift! 

So that was our sign, that was the start of our baby journey! The rest of the weekend was spent enjoying each other and taking advantage of these baby free moments for as long as we have them! I simply cannot wait! And if that’s not enough of a sign, a friend of mine gave me a Kokopelli (God of Fertility) bookmark on Sunday at my birthday dinner. She didn’t even know about my gift from D. She just told me she saw it and something told her to get it for me! :) I am ready for this journey, it absolutely feels right!

The bright side of things

So things didn't go according to plan, rarely do they ever, but that is okay. The unanimous vote for this month was a resounding no. A little more time was needed for both and I am truly okay with it. Truth be told, I am a little nervous and anxious, and I felt ill prepared. The past few weeks have been insane with work and schedules and figuring out a new routine, everything felt rushed which caused that feeling of anxiety. So rather than stress and have those feelings attached to it, we decided to push it to next month. This just means I get to drink and celebrate my 1^st anniversary of turning 29, or as others may call it, my 30^th birthday. I would have loved to be surprised on my birthday with a positive test, but a Christmas surprise works just as well J I went to a Women of Faith conference this weekend that completely changed my attitude. I learned to not stress about the specifics as I know that God will take control of it and he will provide. I no longer get too hung up on deadlines or timelines. I now focus on the fact that I am back at this place where I am actually able to try again. I honestly wasn't sure I would be here, at least with man. I was almost tempted to get a donor and see what happened there. I am truly blessed with my life and how things are going, and I need to focus on that and give God my praise and all my worries. I am at a good part in my life, great in fact, and I am going to relish in that. Things will happen when they are supposed to and I am going to do my best to help them along, but I am going to continue to enjoy life and be happy for the things I do have. I still can’t believe that this is my life, that I get to share my life with an amazing man who I am so in love with. I get to spend my days not only with him, but his beautiful and wonderful daughter who I love and cherish. Couldn't ask for a better life!

To beautiful beginings

So….D and I have decided to start trying at the end of this month! I am incredibly excited and also immensely terrified! It is so strange to be back at this place but in a whole different context and a whole other part of my life. The last 2 years have been absolutely insane, and it just amazes me that I have come full circle, but in a better way. Life right now is great. Simply put. It is chaotic at times, but it is truly great! Things with D and I are moving along and we get stronger every day. He is such an important part of my life and really feels like I may have met my soul mate. We get each other and we love each other, he is my best friend, and I just couldn't imagine my life without him! Over the past 6 month, we, along with A, have become like a little family. I think that is what sparked everything. We co-parent so well together, and we have been growing so much that it opened up the gates for all of the baby talk. We have been making little references just to see the others reaction and eventually started to talk, really talk to one another about our fears and our desires. Each was a bit different than the others, but we talked things out and decided that as long as we have patience, understanding, and communication with each other, than everything else will just fall into place. We have the love, we have the desire, we just need the baby. We decided that the start of my next cycle, which is a week and a half, I will take my meds and we will give it a go. I am super nervous that they may not work, and I do not want to fall into that cycle where I break down every time I get my period. But I have faith. I feel so strongly that this will happen, maybe not the first month, but soon after. I feel like things are far better than they ever were, and I would be ecstatic to have a little one to add to our family. The fact that I am able to say those words again after all that has happened is in itself, a miracle. Looking forward to posting my journey again into this crazy world of fertility! 

Desires of the heart

My mother asked me what I want to do for my 30^th birthday in November; my response……not to turn 30! Not that I do not love every day that I get to spend on this earth, but seriously, where the fuck has time gone?! I couldn't wait to turn 21, that was the age to be. After that milestone, I feel like time is flying by! I still feel like I am in my early 20’s. For the most part, I have things together that I hoped I would have before turning 30. I have a great job, a fantastic social life, I own my own home, I have my finances under control, and I am in a great relationship. So why am I bumming so hard about turning 30? Kids. I am nearly 30 and I am not even pregnant with my first. Most of my friends are either pregnant, have a child, working on their second, or have decided against them. Here I am, floating out in this void, trying to keep my grasp on this dream. 30 feels like the start of the clock. Up until now, I felt okay about not having a child because I had time, but everyone knows, 30 marks the start of declining fertility. That is a huge roadblock with someone whom already has fertility issues. I feel so left behind and it sucks! D and I talk often about starting my meds to see what happens, but we are undecided on the time frame. Seeing as how November is rapidly approaching…it will be very unlikely that this will happen. Being pregnant on my 30^th would be a hell of a lot better than nothing! Conversations about starting meds are always positive and we are heading in that direction, but not fast enough! I want us to take our time and come to a mutual decision, but the clock is a tickin! I do have faith that it will happen, and it will happen when it is supposed to, I just have to be patient and keep my head up, however hard it may be! I do feel strongly that it will happen within this next year though. I have even had my crazy moments and tried to play it off as ‘just trying to be prepared’ as I purchase a few odds and ends for babies! I have a little stock going in my basement of diapers, clothes, and bedding; but only because it was on clearance! :) For now, I will just enjoy my life as it is and pray that it goes in that direction soon! I read a part in a devotional that said 'God gives you the desires of your heart, or he changes your heart.' Well, my heart speaks stronger and stronger everyday for children!

Other than that dark cloud hanging over my head, things have been great! I completed my weekend job this last weekend which felt great! Working 7 days a week, non-stop, for the last 3 and a half months was exhausting but extremely rewarding! I am going to start my landscaping on the front yard soon and I have already begun updating and redecorating in the house. It has been so much fun to pick things out and decorate the house with my mom and D. Really makes the improvements we make that much more meaningful! I absolutely love being a home owner! When my mother moves out, our next plan of action is to make a room for A…she deserves to have her own space when she comes over rather than sleeping on the floor in our room. It will be great to see her reaction, for that, I cannot wait! We also have a family vacation coming up to visit my family in Arizona. My mother, D, A, and I are going out at the end of September. It is going to be very interesting and hopefully a lot of fun!

 I am truly looking forward to the future. I have been the happiest I have ever been in these last few years, even though they were some of the most trying times and times where I felt the most defeated! I love how things turned out and I couldn't imagine it any other way! I believe that things will work out the way they are supposed to and I will be a mother. Just have to be patient, which we all know by now, I am clearly not! When I actually take the meds, I will pop on for updates and I am sure there will be many, and I will get to share the joy and the emotions I feel when I finally look down at that test and see that little plus sign! 

Taking time to breathe

Life has been nothing short of a whirlwind lately….it has nearly been chaos, but the good kind of chaos! D and I have had A almost every weekend for the last 4 months. It has been one of the most challenging situations of my life, but also the most rewarding! That little girl brings such joy and excitement into our life, and I wouldn’t have it any other way! It hasn’t been without struggle though. One of the most challenging things has been agreement on Parenting. For the most part, we agree on Parenting style, and we see eye to eye on the big things, but the little things add up and we bicker about those. It never gets out of control, and has actually been beneficial as we are learning this whole new experience together. The only other challenge has been her mother. A’s mom has an alcohol problem and seems to get in trouble with the law frequently. She is almost always without a job and comes with a fair share of drama. We all get along, and that has been great and makes things a lot easier. But it is increasingly difficult to send A back into that mess week after week. I just want to scoop her up and keep her away from all of that. I would never want to keep her from her mom, but I wish her mom would get it together and not put her daughter in the middle of that! I am just happy that she treats her wonderfully. She loves that little girl so much! Even with all of those challenges, it is still pretty damn amazing! We get to do so much with her, and that partially calms my baby craze, and partially enhances it! We have done movies, parks, water parks, kid festivals and events, and gatherings with other friends and their kids. I think the best moments are the ones that are so simple. Sitting downstairs as we all cuddle on the couch to watch a movie together and having her fall asleep on our laps, or just hearing her cute little voice tell you she loves you….it melts your heart! I still can’t believe that this is my life!

Amidst all of the family life changes with the kiddo, I have picked up a  part time job for the summer. I wanted to get some landscaping done as well as pay off my credit card, so I took a job on the weekends. Working 7 days a week has been exhausting, but watching my credit card debit slowly subside has been worth it! Things have just been working out so well lately, I am afraid I am dreaming and it will vanish! After taking this job, I entered a contest for Home Depot, and ended up winning the contest and getting gift cards to Home Depot….perfect timing as I wanted to landscape this year. That saved me a ton of money! This is on the heels of winning a previous contest that left me with some great Target Gift cards! The Target gift cards allowed me to get some great stuff for the house, but helped me purchase my meds and I still have some left over for future baby stuff! And speaking of the infamous B word….looks like we are getting closer to actually putting those meds to good use! We have talked about it, and I think we are going to work out and get healthy while working on our relationship in the next few months, and see where we are at in September. We are both nervous, but equally excited! So we shall see!

Everything else has been pretty great! D and I are doing amazing, minus a few hiccups here and there, but that is what makes us stronger! Every day, I fall more in love with him and still can’t believe how much I love this man and how lucky I am things happened the way they did! Life is so different from where it was a few years ago, but I wouldn’t change anything! As always, can’t wait to see what the future holds and how things play out! I have learned to just let go and enjoy the ride……well, almost have letting go down, it seems to be a constant struggle!

Crazy but nearly perfect!

Things have been a bit hectic lately, to say the least! I started a second job a few weeks ago to get some extra money to pay off some debt and to make some home improvements! So far so good, I am enjoying the job a lot…it’s outside and I have an incredible view as it is at Garden of the Gods, so I can’t really complain! I don’t know how quickly I am going to get burnt out on working 7 days a week, but my focus is on that money! D lost his job a few weeks ago, which was good and bad timing as I started my second job, so I was bummed thinking that extra money would go to supplement his loss, but he got approved for unemployment, and that helped out tremendously!  I am back to original plan with this money! I am getting anxious to finally finish my front yard! When I bought the house, the front yard was ransacked and all of the landscaping destroyed! I think that helped with the fact that I was able to get the house because of the fact it was much cheaper….but I am finally going to be able to get the front lawn done and landscaped this summer, so stoked! I am so happy with the random improvements I am making around the house with the help of my awesome mother. My bedroom is nearly complete as I have a new bathroom vanity, new bed set, nice TV, and blinds. I just need to paint and finish up my dressers and it will be perfect! Not only that, but we have the office painted and redecorated, and the upstairs living room looks amazing with the new rug and lamp. I had the unbelievable luck to have won a contest that gave me some great Target gift cards that helped me get a really terrific patio set that I am in love with! I have some great plans for the media room and the laundry room that I hope to tackle this summer as well. Should be fun!

Nothing new on the baby front….got my dr appt scheduled for June 10^th and will get a prescription for the meds and hopefully try in July. But we will see. Hard not to get excited, but also don’t want to put the cart before the horse. Taking it one day at a time, but being well prepared can’t hurt! Feeling excited and hopeful for the future. Things with D and his amazing daughter A are going so well! I love that little girl, she warms my heart and brings a smile to my face! I am smitten! It is seriously remarkable how much can change in a year! I remember this time last year struggling with the fact that I was actually divorced. And now, I cannot imagine my life any other way….I am beyond happy and so thankful that I am out of all of that and see now that life is much better this way! 

Life promotion

I have gone from woman to proxy mom in a little over a month! D and I have had his daughter, A, every weekend now, and while I absolutely love it and wouldn't change it, it has not been easy. She is a wonderful little girl, and a joy to be around, but the things she is going through in her life right now are having an effect on her. There is a lot of drama involving her mother and quite a bit of changes that she has coming at her. The biggest one is that her mom is heading off to jail for 30 days for some charges she had a while back. She is calling it a ‘vacation’ and tells A that she will have to stay at her grandma’s house while she is away. With her staying there, D and I will not be able to see her as there are some conflicts between them all. So not only will her mom be away for a month, but essentially, her dad will be to. That mixed with some of the things I have seen from her mom and the way there are living, they make me really sad for her. I am so thankful that we get to be part of that little girls life and bring in some joy and structure to her chaotic life. I have spent some time with S, her mom, and while I do like her and respect her as A’s mom, I feel like she is being irresponsible in the choices she is making and she can be a bit reckless in the way she chooses to deal with A. I really hope that this time in jail will help turn her life around. I want us to be there for A whenever she needs it and hopefully be a good example for S to follow.

On the other end of this, I think this has been such a refreshing change for D and I and has really helped us to learn and grow together. We have been getting along exceptionally well, taking time to really listen and understand each other, and really have something we connect and unite over. I love watching him in the dad role, my heart melts every time! He is so good with her and you can tell he loves the heck outta her! She has been a little blessing that not only brought us closer, brought more joy and love into our life, and helped us grow as a couple, but it showed us that we are truly ready to have one of our own. We have matured a lot in the last month and we now know that we can parent together, that we have the same morals and beliefs when it comes to raising children, and we know how to balance the life we had with the one we now have all while maintaining a healthy relationship. This has been a whirlwind but it has been absolutely amazing! Who knew that I could be this happy???!! If someone would have told me 2 years ago that this would be my life, I would have thought they were crazy! I thought for sure my life was over and I would never be happy or have a future that I would be ecstatic about, but boy was I wrong! We still have a lot of work to do to get where we want to be, but we are at a damn good start!

Weekend Bliss

This weekend was just absolutely wonderful, I would even say almost magical! D and I picked his daughter up around 630, picked up some pizza and went back to the house. We ate dinner, played some games, and then had a slumber party where we made chocolate chip cookies and watched The Little Mermaid in bed. We all passed out around 1030. The morning was one of my favorite parts….listening to D and his daughter A talking and then getting up and making breakfast, blissful! I had always envisioned this when I bought this house…little ones scattered around the house, hearing their little conversations, waking up to breakfast with the family, so cute! After breakfast, we all played a bit downstairs and made our way up to get ready for the day. Watching D get her ready and picking out an outfit was just adorable! While D was getting ready, I was fixing her hair and playing dentist on a game she was in love with. It just felt so surreal and so perfect. We all got ready and headed out to the St. Patrick’s Day Parade downtown. We had so much fun! Watching the parade with a kid adds such a different element to it, it was great! We watched the floats pass by, snacked on popcorn and caught a lot of goodies being tossed out. We ended our downtown afternoon with some lunch and a quick tour of my office where she met one of my best friends. It was fun getting to show off her cuteness. After that, we pretty much stayed in for the rest of the weekend playing games, watching movies, and doing chores. It really felt like I was playing mom. I was so busy and so exhausted, but it was a blast! I felt more than ever like I was truly ready for motherhood! And the most amazing part of it all was that D and I really clicked and worked well together when parenting. We had great communication and our styles were nearly the same. He really impressed me this weekend and got me super excited about our future together and ttc! He is such an amazing man, and I am madly in love with him! I never knew that I could be this happy with someone! I cannot wait to start trying with him….I think it would be absolutely amazing to have a child with him and have this cute little family with our little on and his adorable daughter. I don’t think I could picture it any better!

Ch Ch Ch Changes

Crazy how so many things can change in such a short amount of time. So last week, the baby mom reached out to D and they settled on this last weekend for them to get together. They were meeting at McDonalds, a neutral location, to eat breakfast, see his daughter, and then go back to her place to see where she lives and then home. D called me about 4 hours after their meet-up time and said that the baby mom, S, had to run errands and asked if D wanted her for the afternoon. He jumped at the chance and he ended up bringing her back to the house. It was the first time meeting his daughter and it was absolutely wonderful! I got to see him in such a different way, all fatherly and amazing! His daughter is so adorable, well mannered, very polite, and listens really well. She was such a joy to have around. My heart melted and everything just felt so magical. It really made me fall even more in love with D, he was just such a great dad and I loved seeing him take that role on! Really gave me insight and hope as to the kind of father he would be to our child….I am smitten! That weekend, I even met and hung out with S, and actually found her pretty cool! Their dynamic was interesting, but I also feel much more at ease after meeting them. There is always this thought in the back of your head that wonders if you just pushed him back into the arms of his ex. I mean they share a different bond that he and I do not share….it may be something stronger that pulls him from me, but after meeting her and understanding their relationship, I felt so much better! It was a really great weekend.

So this weekend we are getting his daughter Friday and Saturday night….a whole weekend with her. I am very excited but also equally as terrified. I am hoping everything goes well. We had her for 4 hours just us and it went great! This is a whole different ball game, and could go horribly wrong! I am trying to keep the faith that it will go great! His daughter and I get along well, but really, it’s not that hard to get along with a 5 year old! This will be a good test for us since we are thinking about ttc soon! I am sure I will have a ton of stories to report back! I still can’t get over how fast everything went and how far D has come! He is doing fantastic at work, working on his relationship with his daughter, and going to start working towards the license. I am very excited and optimistic!

On a side note, we are now approaching  the two week mark until two of my best friend’s get married and where I will have to see my ex-husband at the wedding. We had a pretty decent talk a few days ago that calmed my nerves a bit, but I am still not looking forward to seeing him, or more importantly, HER! Really would have loved to go the rest of my life never laying eyes on her, but since that is not an option, I am going to hold my head up high and know that I won! I have the great guy, the house, the amazing looking future, and she has him, my sloppy seconds! No greater revenge than that! It is sure to be an interesting few weeks!! Wish me luck!!!

Life is Wonderful

I bought these shirts at Old Navy a few months ago that say 'Life is Wonderful' and 'Hope Is All We Need' just so I can have some positive affirmation in my life to tear down all the negativity. I think they put some serious good juju in the air because things have been going fantastic! Today I am filled with so many emotions it’s unreal. This has been a really wonderful day. So about a month ago, D had this idea to leave a letter at his daughters great grandmothers house in another attempt to get back into her life. He told me about his plan and asked for my help. Together, we sat down, wrote a letter, and he decided last Saturday he was going to drop it off. I took him over there Saturday night, and while there looked like a bit of confusion as to which house it was, he finally found it. He checked his phone all day Sunday and all day Monday, and nothing. He was feeling doubtful, so he left his phone alone all day yesterday. Late last night, we headed up to bed and he glanced at his phone and discovered a missed call. He immediately called it back, and it was the great grandparents. They said the mom had tried to call earlier but was gone for the night. He hung up a bit disappointed that he missed the call. He jumped on the computer wondering if she reached out via Facebook, and much to his surprise, she did. They both apologized to each other, and agreed to leave the past in the past and move on. She expressed how she was doing this for their daughter, and that she should have who she wants in her life. Nothing major like dates or times where he gets to see her yet, but this is a HUGE step forward in the process! I was so unbelievably happy for both him and his daughter. He is such a wonderful man, and that adorable little girl deserves to have him in her life! Not only that, but this really helps solidify my feelings for this man and our future together. I always had such a big problem with this having no contact with his children. I am so passionate about children and hated that he just walked out of her life, it really bothered me. The more we talked about it, the more I understood, but still had issues with it. I really feel like we jumped over a major hurdle and it brings us closer together and makes me feel a million times better about us trying to start a family of our own. I just feel so hopeful and happy about our future together! I love this man so much! I never could have thought I would be this happy! I am so excited for us, and I thank God everyday that by some miracle, everything worked out the way it was supposed to!

Feeling ridiculous!

In a funk today, could blame it on the weather or how my day has gone, in any case, the need for this day to be over incessantly grows! Nothing too big, just a bunch of little things went off to create that snowball effect, and once is starts, good luck getting out of it! For me, I feel slighted when something goes wrong, like the universe hates me, no matter how small this something may be. Very emo and self-absorbed I know, but hey, gotta be honest here. So when that something happens, I then start to reflect on everything that has gone south in the last year and reflect on it as if I have been the target of all things bad. Typing this out, I am literally laughing at how pathetic I am….I mean half of this stuff is really first world problems and are pretty small on a scale of disasters! Yet I still insist on going down this path! I think I may be crazy! But that’s what happened today, one small thing that turned into 2 small things that snowballed its way down my path of broken dreams and despair! Haha! I actually think that writing about how ridiculous I get has pulled me slightly out of this funk! It’s funny what our psyche can do to us!

Well, now that all of that is out of the way, I should mention that VEGAS is in ONE WEEK! So looking forward to having a vacation where I can kick back, relax, get smashed, and create some fun memories with my love! Going to be a lot of fun! I’m actually surprised things came together and we are really going. Seemed kind of touch and go with everyone’s finances and schedules, but we are going! I think that is exactly what I need, to get out of this city and just have fun! When I get back, it is nothing but strict diet and exercise for me! My friend’s wedding is in 8 weeks! Need to lose at least 20 for it, gonna be hard, but I think I can do it! Will be the first time that my ex-husband and I will be in the same room together, hell, the first time that myself, my ex-husband, his whore, and my boyfriend will be in the same room together! Definitely not looking forward to that! This whole subject may be the cause of some serious anxiety and stress in my life! Excited to see two of my best friends get married, but can’t wait until it’s over!

After that…..BABY time! Getting excited for that too! Can’t wait to actually start trying again! Makes me nervous but also incredibly excited! D has now moved on to that exciting phase with me….we pass a cute little kid at the store and he looks at me with these sweet and loving eyes and tells me that he can’t wait to have a little one with me! Those moments are absolutely wonderful and fill me with such joy! People may think I am crazy, but everything just feels so right, it’s hard to explain! I am so ready for this! D also gets really cute when I start talking about random fertility facts or tips I read, which are a ton of them, but he seems to intrigued by all of this and incredibly supportive! I learned that eating a whole pineapple (Core and all) helps thicken the lining of the uterus for conception, and will help with part of my luteal phase defect….he said he would buy me all the pineapple I needed! He is super sweet and I am extremely lucky to have him in my life! So excited for the next few months, just got to make it through a few things first!

2014....My lucky year (I hope)

It’s officially 2014 and the start of a new year! It’s been so busy in the last few months I have barely had time to sit down and think let alone blog! The holiday season came and went but was actually pretty amazing! Just a short recap of the events:

Thanksgiving was held at my house with invitations sent out to those who didn’t have anywhere to go. Some friends of mine started it a few years back and I thought it was pretty cool so I decided to host this year not knowing that others did the same! It ended up being myself, D and my mom and D’s family. My mom and I did most of the food which was fun….I liked cooking a big dinner with my mom, felt like old times! People came, ate, played games, and created memories. Turned out to be great and a bit chaotic which lead to the decision that Christmas dinner would be low key and simple. We had a lot of holiday parties that we partook in that included a hockey game, a secret Santa party, a massive dinner, and fun gift drop-offs! I was super into the holiday spirit this year! We had a fun Ugly sweater party at work along with a ton of Christmas cookies and random gifts. It really made me fall in love with Christmas all over again! Christmas eve my mom and I played Santa and delivered gifts and then returned home to pick up D and do dinner out. We returned home and cuddled up watching A Christmas Story on repeat until about 10p when we decided to go look at lights. That is my family tradition….I think my mom was genius for coming up with something that exhausted the kids and allowed her to sleep in! We returned back home around midnight and did our gift exchange! We went to bed around 1 and woke up on Christmas at 10…HEAVEN! Made yummy muffins and sipped coffee while watching yet another round of A Christmas Story! It was wonderful and probably one of my favorite Christmas’s yet! New Years Eve was just as great! D and I decided to go out with some of his friends for NYE and do it up in style! We got all dressed up and went out on the town! We arranged a ride so no one had to drink and drive. It was great getting to sip some Jack and Ginger while dancing with my love on the dance floor not caring who was watching! It struck midnight and D scooped me up and we kissed our way into the new year with confetti and streamers flying all around! It was magical! I had so much fun!

Now that all the hoopla is over with and the excitement has died down, it’s now time to return to normal. New year brings new beginnings and I have so many great plans! Now with this being said, I am fully aware that as much as I plan, God always has his own set of plans, and nothing is ever for certain! So I am going into this with an open mind! D and I are going to Vegas with some friends in February, and I am super excited and very much looking forward to it! Can’t wait! After that, I think we are going to start TTC….again, this is if things go according to plan! Nothing in my life has gone according to plan, and I tried like hell to make it go, but it’s gone pretty well thus far, so I have faith. I know TTC with someone I have only known a year (9 days will be a year!!) sounds crazy, but it feels right. I rarely act on impulse, and this has been something in the works for a bit, but the timing just feels right! I really can’t wait to see what this year has in store…I’m sure it will be nothing short of chaotic, just hoping something good comes from it!