Broken Heart

I wanted to take a break from my typical entries to talk about something that absolutely breaks my heart. My mother and I had to come to the tough decision of putting my beloved family dog Kyiah to sleep. My beautiful and lovely, one of a kind companion will be leaving this world tonight. Almost 16 years ago, we wandered down the aisles of our local humane society looking for the perfect match for our family. This group of dogs huddled together caught my eye. It was a momma dog with her 6 little puppies. 4 boys and 2 girls. I looked in the back, and here was this beautiful little girl looking so lonely and so scared. That beautiful little puppy became OUR beautiful little puppy! We took her home and she ran right to one of our slippers, curled up in it, and chewed her way to sleep. Through the years, she has matured and become easily my favorite pet of all time. She is always there, always giving kisses, and even her little hugs. Many housing changes and moves across states, she was easy going and adjusted well. The last few years as she entered into the life of a senior, she started changing, and not for the better. Things seemed so much harder than they should have been, and she lost that sparkle in her eye. It was hard watching her, and I convinced myself that she was okay, but when I took a step back, I realized that she wouldn’t get any better. But I also knew that she wasn’t that bad yet. I still had time, not a lot, but some. The last month was a different story and I had to face it, her quality of life no longer looked the same as it has. This beautiful puppy who turned into an incredible dog was nearing the end of her long and wonderful life. It was the absolute hardest decision I have made in my life, but we decided to end her struggle and pain and transition her into her new life in heaven. I have only 2 short little hours left before I have to say goodbye to a friend I have had for half of my life. My heart is breaking and there are no words. The only thing I can say is; thank you Kyiah, for being the best friend/perfect dog in my life. No one can fill those shoes. You have a place in my heart, now and forever!

In Need Of Some Hope

I can’t even begin to explain how broken-hearted I am at the moment. As I am trying this, my statistic has now been changed to TWO failed IUI’s. This hit me harder than last months. I didn't have too high of an expectation last time. I figured, rarely does anything happen on the first try. So I had a hint of optimism, but wasn't expecting anything to come from it. So when I started spotting the day before I was to test, it bummed me out, and I cried a bit, but it seemed easy to move on and get excited for round 2. This month was a completely different story. It just started off better overall. I had a bigger follicle on my left side, this month had very little stress attached to it, the tests all looked good, and we were even able to have some fun a few times after. I felt so good about it all. As I entered my TWW, I didn't really even focus on anything until last week. I was feeling pretty good, just a little crampy and sore boobs, which was new to this process. Inside, I was reeling with happiness, and I just felt pregnant. I became a little nervous on Sunday as that is when I started spotting last month. But a whole day came and went with nothing! I got up this morning, so eager to test. I ran to the bathroom, pulled out a FR and a CBE Digital. A whole five minutes later and my dreams were shattered! One fucking pink line and the heartbreaking ‘NOT PREGNANT’ is what I got instead! I couldn't even breathe. I was so fucking sure that it had worked this month. I just started sobbing. I cleaned up my mess, left the bathroom, and crawled back into bed with D. I was still sobbing and he asked if I was okay. He must have realized why I was crying, because he squeezed me tightly and told me I didn't need to say anything, and he was so sorry. That meant the world to me. I didn't feel so alone in this. I picked myself back up and continued with the rest of my day. I just feel so angry, confused, upset, frustrated, devastated and hopeless!  I cannot shake this crummy feeling. I just want to curl up and cry! I hate this roller coaster of emotions I am on, and I hate that I cannot seem to make this happen, no matter how hard I try! It is the single most frustrating thing I have ever done in my life! I get so close and it just gets ripped away! I know I am not the only woman in the world to go through this, but fuck, this sucks! It is so hard to not take this personally. You evaluate your life and choices and wonder if you had done things differently, would there be a different result?! Is there a reason why this is not happening for me? I just don’t get it!

So now, I am faced with IUI #3. All of eggs lay in one basket. You see, IUI’s are statistically successful within the first three, and if you are not successful after those three, it’s not very likely that IUI’s will work for you. My dr. told me that we will do this one more time, and if it doesn't work, then we will get together, and talk about other methods. Well, the only remaining method of somewhat natural conception would be IVF. Now if I made more than a typical middle class woman, this would not be a problem, sign me up! But I, along with millions, can barely afford a pedicure let alone a $15,000 procedure! So this seems to be my last shot. I am all out of money and options, and this is one of the worst feelings! 2 of 2 IUI’s failed, what are the chances of this one working?! This fucking sucks! Plain and simple! I cannot even leave this entry with a hopeful and cheesy one liner of how I can’t wait to try this again, because at this point in time, I feel like it is completely useless and utterly hopeless!

Take Two!

I am feeling great today! I just did my 2^nd IUI this morning and I have such a great feeling about it! I can’t really explain why I feel so different, I just do. A part of it has to do with the amount of stress in my life. It has decreased dramatically, and I am pretty freaking happy about that. This have settled down and seem to be going pretty well…***knock on wood! Another part of it has to do with the process itself. I have been feeling better overall lately, and going in this morning, it was just such a positive morning, it made my attitude better. The injection process went better than last time, I got to use Ovidrel again, which goes in my stomach, rather than Novarel which went in my upper butt cheek, which sucked! I also had a much bigger follicle on my left side, and that makes me happy! Today, I was able to have the dr. do the IUI rather than the nurse practioner do the procedure. No disrespect to the NP, but she had a hard time getting the catheter in and it felt like she didn’t get it in the right spot. It was way too easy and I had some run-out. Today, the dr. got right in, knew exactly where to go, it felt crampy and was a bit uncomfortable. There was also no run-out, which was awesome! It felt better overall and gave me a great feeling!

So I am now entering the two week wait, ugh! Soooo happy to be at this point, and I am absolutely not complaining, but I do not do well with waiting! I am incredibly impatient! The tww is insanely hard and borderline torturous! But I will get through it! Fingers crossed and lots of prayers! By the grace of God, I hope to be updating soon with a positive result to go with my positive attitude!