Reality bites

Yesterday had to be one of the strangest days I have had in a while! Day started of extremely well with some early morning fun, and then it was off to work on a pretty normal Monday. The morning was busy and flew by and before I knew it, I was eating lunch! I got back from running errands and within 10 minutes, I got a call from the receptionist saying a process server was at the front for me. I froze…my heart started pounding and I was shaking. I knew it the day was coming, but I was still blindsided. This was the hard hit of reality slapping me in the face. I walked up to the other building and was served with divorce papers. I took them from the server and made my way down the hill back to my building as tears were pouring down my face. I thought I was ready enough to receive them and I didn’t think it would affect me the way it did. It was so much harder than I had anticipated. Here I am, holding these papers that are ending our marriage. I walked in the building and lost it. I crumpled up and cried in an empty office while a wonderful friend comforted me. When I was able to gather myself together, I walked back to my desk and attempted to work. I couldn’t really focus, I kept thinking about those papers and how defeated I felt. It felt like that moment he walked out all over again. I then thought about all that I was losing…my best friend, my husband, my former life, the fact that I was so close to having children…it was all gone! I approached my boss and asked if I could leave early since I was apparently not in the right frame of mind to work. She graciously awarded me my freedom. I got into my car, and broke down again. I just wanted to get away, go for a drive, and retail therapy sounded pretty damn good! I decided that I was going to go to Castle Rock, but immediately thought of D. I thought about how much fun I have with him, how good he makes me feel, and how I love being around him, and I thought he would be the perfect addition to this adventure. I was right! We had a blast! He made the trip so much fun and took my mind off of everything! We went shopping at the Outlets, which if you know about those places, they are generated towards females, and he was so patient and sweet to let me drag him from shop to shop. All he wanted was just to spend time with me! It was amazing! I awarded him with a random trip to Game Stop afterwards. We then headed home and stopped for dinner along the way. It was such a complete turnaround from the day I was having! He made it so wonderful that I realized just how lucky I am to have him in my life, and that made me realize that I am going to be just fine. My soon to be ex threw me away like I was nothing, but here D is to show me just how wonderful I am. I am really falling for this guy! He is really incredible! So what started out as a good day, turned bad, but was made good again by this wonderful man who I am crazy about and made me excited about my future! Later that night, we celebrated the arrival of those papers with some mind blowing sex…I would say that was the perfect way to do so! This whole thing was the absolute worst thing to happen to me, but may actually turn out to be the best thing to happen to me. I can’t wait for what the future brings!

Take me out of this funk

I have been in a funk the last few days and I am desperately trying to get out of it. There are two main causes of said funk, and they are both kind of ridiculous. So let’s start with the first one: Trust/Relationships. Ever since everything happened with my marriage, I have a very hard time trusting anyone and I have an even harder time believing that I am worth something. I often feel like a placeholder, a pawn in someone’s life that is just there to fill the time until something better comes along. I am decent company and am a nice enough person they can work with for the time being, but as soon as something else comes up, I am easy to drop and forget about. Being cheated on is an awful feeling and really does a number on your confidence. I loved my husband more than anything, and the thought of doing something that terrible not only disgusted me but was just unfathomable. I could not imagine hurting him that badly. The fact that it was so easy for him to cheat, deceive, and hurt me so badly, makes me feel like I was not worth much. So not only do I have self-esteem issues, but I also have severe trust issues. These are coming out in full force with D. I am now always suspicious of his motives, I get crazy jealous when he is texting and assume it is other women, and I always wonder in the back of my mind, how long will it take for him to find someone new and drop his placeholder. I can’t help but feel that way, and act like a crazy jealous lunatic. I feel terrible that I am projecting all of my insecurities on to him, but as hard as I try to keep them in, they come pouring out. I am trying to protect myself from that ever happening to me again, but in the process, I am also pushing myself further from someone I care about. I really don’t know how long things with D will last or if there is a future for us, but I am really having a hard time finding a balance of protecting myself and putting a strain on us. How do I just forget about what my ex did to me and how I felt and how I was deceived and move on? How do I not let me emotions get out of control and let me jealousy subside? How do I let go of my insecurities? I keep going back to trust. I just have to put my trust in him and hope that he will not hurt me. It is a risk letting someone in and trusting them, I just have to make sure that he is worth the risk.

 

So now on to my second cause of this funk: my life plans. For so long I had plans for my life, goals that I tried reaching. For the most part, I achieved the majority of them. I have a great job, wonderful friends, house, car, pets, and have been working on my health. The only thing that I have not achieved is having children. 2 years ago when we started trying for kids, I told myself that as long as I have my first one before I turn 30, I will be okay. This year I turn 29. Realizing that my goal may never happen is extremely disheartening. All I have ever wanted was a family with lots of little children! I feel that if I have my first after I am 30, that I may never have that big family I wanted. Not saying that 30 is old, but as a women, your fertility decreases with age, and I hate feeling that I am losing out on all of this time. It angers me that he ripped everything away from me! I hate that I don’t get to move on to that phase in my life with all of my friends. I am left behind in the dust collecting my life as I go. It is just a terrible feeling.  And if for some reason or another, I get pregnant by D or someone else in my life, I know that moment will not be nearly as happy/exciting as it would have been had it come from me and my husband. As happy as I would be to be pregnant, I would then have to face reality to the fact that I would not be married to this person, it would be conceived out of wedlock, and it would be an uncertain future for this child as to whether or not they have a permanent family. The moment I have imagined of telling my mom and friends that I am pregnant would change to one of embarrassment and guilt rather than excitement and elation. It is in these moments that I wish that life could go back to normal, that I could have my husband and future back. Nothing in life prepares you for moments or feelings like this. Every day I am learning how to move on and how to deal with new feelings that appear. I just want more than anything to know that it will get better, that I will have that family one day instead of having this hallow emptiness of uncertainty. So now that I have thoroughly depressed readers….I am going to suck it up and put on a smile and hope for the best. Tonight I am going to go on a date with D and invest in a big bottle of wine! Cheers!

A dose of reality

I had a dose of reality yesterday as I entered the office of a family law lawyer to discuss my divorce. This is all so strange and sickening! I never thought that we would end up at this point. I figured that all that was needed was a cool down period and then we would be back to ourselves and working on our marriage. To look back on the last 5 months, it has been absolutely insane! For the most part, I am dealing with things relatively well considering. I am incredibly strong and every day it gets easier. There are still those moments that I just completely fall apart, but I hear those are normal. Like yesterday for instance…I had to call my soon to be ex-husband to inform him of what I learned from the lawyer and to discuss certain issues. Most of the conversation went pretty well, but it did get heated at some points. The hardest part of the whole conversation was when I broke down crying and told him that I never thought we would end up like this. He agreed and said he thought we could get through anything, but he also informed me that 3 months prior, he talked to his friend about the fact that he wanted to leave me. Not only did it hurt, but it pissed me off! He could tell his friend such an intimate detail about our life, but he couldn’t inform me, nor could he be honest…instead, he had to cheat on me and hurt me so badly to end it! I apparently wasn’t worth the truth or respect. And the fact that he just gave up so easily, he just walked away from it all…but said we could get through anything. Kind of hard to get through something when the other person gives up and wipes his hands of your relationship! The conversation left me feeling relieved about the direction we are going in now, but also put me back into that sadness of the person/relationship that I am losing! The absolute hardest thing was hearing that he still loves me! That killed me! I still love him, very much, but I know that it just wasn’t meant to be. I am okay, and will be okay. Every day it gets easier, it hurts less, and I miss him less. The thing I am very thankful for is the fact that I have D in my life. He is such an amazing person and has been such a help through this. I know it can’t be easy hearing the person you are currently dating crying over her ex, but he has been so supportive and encouraging through all of this… I am so lucky and so thankful! I really like this guy, a lot in fact, and I hope he sticks around for a while! I am very excited about Valentine’s Day, which is a complete turnaround from a few months ago. We are going to cook dinner and dessert together and then watch our favorite cheesy romantic movies together. He is so wonderful! I just have to focus on the things that I have instead of the things that I do not have, and work toward a wonderful future! Not sure what it holds, but I will enjoy the journey there!

It's the freakin weekend....almost

I seem to not have enough time these days…it is a rare commodity. It is really funny because I noticed it was one of those things that is either feast or famine. Just a month ago I was sitting at home wallowing in a pool of self pity about how boring my life is and how I have nothing to do. Fast forward to today, and I barely have time to breathe. I have to somehow juggle spending time with D, planning/hanging with friends, spending time with my mom, work, household chores, pets, bills, and somewhere in that have time for myself! It is quite exhausting by very fun at the same time! Since the separation I really have become extremely social. In the past if I got invited somewhere, I would rationalize in my head my need for that activity and if it would interrupt my tv schedule. I can tell you that it is no longer the case. Now it is just a matter of funds that determines if I go out or not. I feel free and alive! This has probably been the most fun I have had in my life! During these past few months, I have really had a chance to discover myself and learn more about myself and the things I want out of life…total self-discovery. I look back just a few short years ago and can see a huge difference from the person I was back then. I am able to pick apart the things I didn’t like about myself and reinvent myself in a way. I think about things I did in my previous relationship and am dumbfounded at my behavior and actions. I now think of things in a completely different way, more rationally and with clarity. I try not to jump to conclusions or lose my temper so easily. I am in the process of a body transformation, so why not a transformation of the mind or the person I am. I want to give the next person the best of me, the person I know I can be, because I want my next long term relationship to work. I want to have that family. I want a husband and children, and I have no doubt that I will get there. It may not be traditional or the way I had envisioned it, but I know that I will be blessed with those things. I cannot wait to see what the future brings or what will happen with D, but I am very excited! Can’t wait to start my weekend off…gonna go see D after work and spend the night just he and I. I have a very happy heart right now!

Out of the blue

Last night was such a wonderful night, I was actually quite sad that it had to end. I picked D up after work, and my mom treated all of us to dinner at Chipotle which was really delicious, and then went home for the night as he was staying over. Thankfully, he lives close to where I work, so this worked out pretty well. D and I cuddled downstairs and watched How I Met Your Mother and then ‘worked’ off our dinner! After that we hooked up his PS3 and watched The Hobbit, which is absolutely incredible! It was just so nice, beyond words nice! I fit so perfectly in his arms and I love resting my head on his chest. He smells so good and it makes me feel so safe! Wonderful way to watch a movie! The movie ended somewhere around 11 so we headed upstairs. So I am going to preface this by saying that I have now entered this stage in my life where my mind and body are acting like a hormone-raging teenager. I never really craved sex when I was with my husband. Sex was just okay, it was a way to express love to each other but was very short and really not that satisfying, and therefore, caused us to have a less than exciting sex life. I was okay with this because that was all I knew and all I was used to, I had no idea of the world I was missing out on. I now crave sex all day long! We could have it 3 times a day and I’m pretty sure that I would want it more. I have never had this before, and it is just amazing! I have never felt more like a woman or more attractive in my life. The fact that this gorgeous and amazing man likes having sex with me and gets off looking at my body confuses and thrills me, but I love it! It was really quite funny because when we headed upstairs, I made a comment that we wouldn’t do much sleeping and he commented that he was actually really tired. I then made it my mission to entice him to have sex with me. It actually did not take that long and before I knew it, I was having mind blowing sex. I should take a moment to apologize to anyone reading this that I may know…this may be TMI, but I don’t care! I am ecstatic! I now realize just how much of a wild side that I have! So off of this topic because my face is getting flush… I also keep realizing how much I really like this guy! We talked last night and both admitted to one another how we are falling for each other. It blows my mind how fast this is all happening, yet it just feels so right! I have never quite felt like this before. It is insanely scary but also extremely exciting! I am having so much fun getting to know D and spending time with him! He brightens my days and makes me very happy. I didn’t know that I would feel this way again, and then here he is, he just came out of nowhere! I feel so lucky! He is going to come over again tonight to stay the night and I am counting down that time to when I get to see him!

Toleration

I think that I am a pretty reasonable person with decent expectations for people. So I get a little irritated and upset when out of the three simple things that I asked D to do, he is failing at them all. When we talked about exclusively dating, I told him that in order for me to do that, I needed three things. I needed honesty, communication, and understanding. I don’t think they were unreasonable, in fact, they are what should be required in any relationship. So we had a discussion a week ago about both of us backing off of the dating site. A couple days after we agreed, I logged on to turn off the notifications I was receiving and I saw he was on there. He told me he was deleting it and actually did. So I let it go. He mentioned a few nights ago how he had another one on a different site and said he would delete it too. I was curious to see this other one so I googled it. As I was looking at it, I noticed he was showing up online on that site. I was furious! I tried not saying anything, but couldn’t. I called him on it and he told me he tried deleting it but didn’t have time so he didn’t yet. Then he became irritated with me and made a snarky comment about the fact that I have trust issues! So not only did he fail at communicating with me, he was also dishonest and was not understanding of how I felt in that situation or my trust issues. I was pretty upset! I began to question how much I really want this in my life. I really like him….a lot in fact, but he makes it so damn hard! I did think about how I would feel if he was no longer in my life, and that changed how I felt. There is something that this guy has that makes me go crazy for him. I don’t understand it! A friend and I talked about deal breakers before I started online dating and the things that were turnoffs or things that I would not tolerate. This guy has tested quite a few of these and even broke a few of them yet he is still here! I went to my friends house last night and got her impression of D, and much to my surprise, she really liked him. She told me she hopes that things work out between us because she was really impressed by him and thinks we are good together. That also made me see things differently and drew me closer to him. He is so different from everything I was used to, and that can be good and bad. It is just this strange adjustment period that has made things so difficult. I very much like D and also kind of hope he sticks for a while…I want to see where this goes. He is an amazing person and we have so much chemistry and incredible sex! I definitely think he is worth keeping! Just have to get through these speed bumps and work some things out…time is all we need!

Losing it

Intense…a feeling I am becoming all too familiar with. It has been only 17 days since I met D, but it feels like much longer. We talk for hours every day and see each other pretty much every other day. Things are very intense, this whole thing is intense. When we are around each other, there is this strong connection and an overwhelming attraction. You would think that we would have been dating for months. Last night, during our date, we both got lost in each other’s eyes and sat there in awe and completely silent for a few minutes. There was an unspoken agreement about our mutual feelings for one another. That both terrified me and excited me! So being the crazy person I am, I had to get a verbal explanation or confirmation on this. He told me that the reason we fit so well to begin with is that we were both broken and lonely people who were looking for an escape and someone to take our minds off of our situations. But within that, we found something more, something we were not looking for but that happened. He didn’t want anything serious and neither did I, but the connection we shared opened our eyes to something more. This is one of the things I like best about him, he is extremely insightful and is not afraid to be completely honest, even if it is not something I want to hear. It is refreshing and reassuring…I don’t want someone to give me lip service or blatantly lie to me. All of this information was quite overwhelming. To be honest, this whole thing is overwhelming and ridiculously scary making it very intense. I don’t want to make the wrong move or rush things, but it just feels right. I cannot explain it in a way that does not make me sound crazy. I recognize that I sound crazy, I really do. I mean who develops strong feelings for someone they met almost 3 weeks ago?! And again, to be honest, if this were one of my friends, I would probably take them aside and tell them they were crazy! None of it makes any sense, but at the same time makes total sense. I am pretty much talking in circles here… but it gives you an inside as to what my brain does all day. I am constantly going back and forth in my head as to whether or not this is a good idea or not. I do know for a fact that he is a great guy with an incredible heart who I am attracted to and he makes me happy, and really, that is all I can ask for. Just going to let life happen and see what happens, and I will drive everyone crazy with my rampant blogs!