Trying Something New!

It’s been a while, nothing much has changed, but at least I am in better spirits. In the last month, I have had a lot of ups and downs, a lot of anger, depression, sadness, and confusion. It has taken a while to sort that out and come up with a  reasonable plan of action. First on the list was a trip to my doctors. I had my appointment on Wednesday for a consultation. She met me with kindness and understanding and some empathy. It made me feel nice and comforted. She asked me what I would like to do from here. I told her that I didn’t think IVF was something I could pull off right now. D has a new and better paying job, so maybe somewhere in the near future it could be an option, but not right now. I told her that if she thought it was worth a try, we could try another cycle or two with injectables and IUI. We both agreed that would be our course of action, but with a few modifications. She said that she thinks if I lost some weight, it might have a better overall chance of taking. We had a nice discussion about weight and its effects on fertility. It put things into perspective and gave me the drive and motivation I needed. So, my goal is to lose 50 pounds within 6 months. That, paired with some supplements and healthy eating are the new things we are going to try. So I will be taking time off from this journey to start a new health and fitness journey. I am kind of looking forward to it. Not only will I be healthier, but I can get new clothes, feel better about myself, and take a break from the craziness of trying to conceive. Both physically and mentally, this is what I needed. And I couldn’t be happier. I look forward to this journey, and I look forward to trying again soon. I think I will be in a better overall place and I already feel more hopeful. Things are starting to look up and not feel so chaotic. The smile is slowly returning to my face! :)

....

I just don’t know. I don’t know what to think, how to feel, what to do, or what will happen. I am confused, angry, frustrated, depressed, hopeless, lost, empty……

For the fourth time in my life, I am left with another failed IUI. And the pain and disappointment does not get easier. I went into this month feeling incredibly hopeful. I had not only one great follicle on my left side, but two this month! I felt great. The two week wait went good, other than the void of symptoms. The last two days I had been filled with nothing but doubt. Nothing up until this point has worked, so why should this. I guess I set myself up for failure, because surprise surprise, all three test confirmed my suspicion with the big fat negative!  I stood there, collected all of my wasted tests and garbage, crammed them into the trash, all while tears streamed down my face. I jumped into the shower and let the water wash away my shame, my failure, my pain.  I told the ones I love, not with words, but with a face that screamed disappointment. I was met with nothing but loving embraces and messages of hope.

Now, what do I do? I spent almost an hour at work reading post after post of women as desperate as I am for a little shred of hope that maybe, just maybe, the test didn’t pick up the pregnancy, and a few days later would change our fate. But what I read was post after post of desperation that ended in even more disappointment. They clung to that hope so hard, just wishing for a little break, but were left with broken hearts. I felt myself searching, just for the one story that was like mine that made me feel like there was still hope for this cycle. But I know the cold hard truth, there is not. It failed. I am not pregnant. But what do I do now? Do I try to collect myself and try for IUI #5? Do I take a break and hope for the best? I know that IVF is a pipe dream, unless I hit the lottery. My head is spinning and I feel like I have no direction or clue what to do or where to go. I have an appointment at the end of March that will be strictly consultation from my doctor, whom I know will have some advice for me. Will it be what I want to hear? Will I ever end up pregnant? It seems so ridiculous that getting pregnant is this damn hard! What seemed so easy as a teenager feels like the most impossible feat as an adult. The misconceptions of youth. I digress. So with no direction, no hope, and no seeming light at the end of this tunnel, I continue on with life as normal as possible until I get some clarity. Who knows what the future holds, I sure don’t. But I can hope like hell and pray with everything that I have that this will all work out in the end.

4 Days To Go....

Well, I am well over the half-way point for my two week wait, and I am not quite sure how I feel. Last month, I was taking Crinone gel after ovulation and it gave me a lot of symptoms of pregnancy, but it was really just side effects from the progesterone. That was probably a huge component to the devastation I felt when it didn’t happen. This month, I have been taking Endometrin, which is progesterone in a suppository form rather than the gel. The really great thing about that, is that it is a ton cheaper, and only has one side effect that I have experienced, sore breasts. I have a better idea of what to expect from progesterone meds than I did last month. But honestly, that is the ONLY thing I am feeling.

I am currently 10dpiui, and I feel absolutely nothing. It occurred to me last night that I am now halfway through my tww, which was great that I haven’t really been that focused on it, but it also left me feeling a bit depressed. I couldn’t shake this empty feeling, this feeling of impending failure. Surely, I should feel something by now. A twinge, heartburn, nausea, fatigue, cramping……but I feel nothing. I know that every woman is different, and for that matter, so is every cycle. It is still really soon to be getting bummed out about feeling nothing, but I just couldn’t get myself out of it. I went upstairs to take my contacts out and just cried. Friday, which is rapidly approaching, feels more like dooms day than it does a day of rejoicing. What would I do if all of these test showed a resounding NO? How do I keep myself from falling into a deep depression? Where do I go from there? I have spent so much money already, on two really great (best I have had) chances. Would I shoot for a third? Could I even afford another go around? I have a consultation scheduled with my doctor at the end of March, just in case this doesn’t work out, but I am not even sure if that will help. I know IVF has better odds and seems like the next logical solution, but that is more money than I can even fathom at this point, let alone get my hands on. And one thing is for sure, time is definitely not on my side. I am not nearing the end of my child bearing years, but the more time goes on, the smaller that window gets. These were all of the thoughts that rolled around in my head as I cried. I eventually calmed myself down, and went back down to cuddle up and watch some tv, but those thoughts haunted me throughout the night. I could hardly sleep.

Today has been a bit better; I have work to thank for the small sabbatical in my brain, but I do admit that a few thoughts have snuck in and tried to create some chaos inside. I just feel blah….not great, not bad, just blah. I am only 4 days away from uncovering my fate and it feels less likely that I will be celebrating and more likely that I will be wearing my sunglasses into work that day. I hope and pray with everything that I have and everything that I am, that this is it, that Friday will reveal that I am in fact, pregnant. 4 days to go…….

The Time Has Come!

The last week or so has been crazy busy to say the least. Between Girl Scout Cookie sales (A is in Girl Scouts), her counseling appointments, my doctor appointments, threats of layoff’s at D’s work, and my ever frustrating job, I am exhausted. But here we are, all prepped and ready for IUI#4! Even though this is technically IUI#4, I like to think of it as IUI#2. The first two realistically, were more like long shots and lots of prayers. I never had a good and mature follicle on the left side, I only had them on my right. These last few months, God has blessed me with great follicles on my left side, and I feel like these have been the best shots I could have asked for! My last appointment was yesterday morning, and it went great. The 2 follicles on my left side measured around 17.5mm and 14mm, so with the extra day of Follisitm injections, they should be around 19-20mm and 16mm, with a few small ones on my right. I will do the Ovidrel trigger shot tonight, and we go in on Friday morning for our IUI! I am feeling pretty great about it. I am going to try as hard as possible to not get my hopes up too high and to just remain positive and see what happens. But anyone who is TTC knows this is nearly an impossible feat. It is all I have dreamed about and worked so hard for, and for it to finally happen would be nothing short of a miracle! So to anyone who is reading this, please send lots of prayers or happy thoughts my way, I can use every single one of them! I will check back in with the progress of this lovely process!

We Got This!

Life has returned to its normalcy, or our version of normalcy at least. What I felt a few weeks ago was something I had not experienced before. Sure, I have had my share of disappointments, and have begun to get used to seeing the pregnancy tests negative result, but this was far more than that. I started out incredibly hopeful, but as the days progressed and I felt all of these different emotions and symptoms (thank you progesterone cream for providing the phantom pregnancy symptoms), I really thought that this was it. I was already making a check list in my head of all the things I needed to get done before “the baby” gets here. I now feel like a ridiculous person who, despite her best efforts, let her hopes get up way too high. When those pregnancy tests flashed my fate, I almost couldn’t breathe. I stood there in shock before the endless river of tears fell. I honestly felt like someone had ripped my heart out. The following days were somber and depressing. I couldn’t get it together, which is not like me. I tried so hard not to personalize it or to scrutinize every move I made to see if it was something that I could have done differently. I was slipping into a depression, but the love of my family and friends pulled me out of it.

I called the doctor last Friday when lovey AF started and marked my new cycle. I asked if I could get a consultation for guidance on what to do now. They informed me that since it was only my first cycle on injectables, that I could start another cycle with them, as long as everything looked good. So I made my appointment for Sunday. D was able to come with me to this one, which made me happy and put me at ease. I had my scan, and she said that everything looked good, no cysts, and lots of potential follicles on both sides. I was to start Follistim again that night. I asked her if it was common for it to fail when everything looked so good, and her answer was everything I was looking for. She said that even with everything as good as we could have hoped for, it is still a statistics game. Only 1 out of 5 tries works. So just because this one didn’t take, it doesn’t mean I did anything wrong, and it absolutely doesn’t mean that this one doesn’t have a shot, it just is what it is. She said it was absolutely reasonable to try this method again and hope for the best. Hearing it from my friends and family is great, but hearing it from a doctor just makes it feel much more credible and gave me the relief I needed. So as they say, try, and try again….and that is what we are going to do. I am now 2 days into my injections, and I am feeling good. I go in tomorrow for my scan to make sure things are moving in the right direction. I may have been down, but I am certainly not out!

Four Letter Word

In true fashion, nothing ever goes how I hoped it would. Fuck! That is all I can come up with to sum up my day! FUCK! I had a fabulous trip to Arizona to celebrate my grandmothers 80^th birthday. My mom, D and A accompanied me to the little getaway. We got down there, spent some well needed time with my family, had a wonderful dinner and just hung out the rest of the time. We arrived on Friday evening and left to come back home yesterday. I took today off of work so I could recover and get some cleaning and laundry done. I took A to school and dropped D off at work. I needed to make a grocery store run, so I stopped this morning to pick a few things up. I had been driving myself crazy thinking about if I was pregnant or not. I was feeling normal other than my breasts were sore, but for the most part I was feeling normal, except for yesterday. I started having a few cramps that felt like period cramps. I also had a full feeling in my lower abdomen. I started to worry that I was getting my period and became really doubtful. As I woke up this morning, I felt pretty normal. So, when I was at the store today, I picked up 3 different types of tests to take tomorrow. But then, I thought that it would be such a cute idea to take the test and if it was for sure positive, I would go get a cute onesie to surprise D with, so, I came home to take the tests. That was my first mistake, actually believing they would be positive. Just like every other time in my life, nothing but negative results crushing my dreams. I had never felt so betrayed and so hurt. I thought for sure that this would be it. I just knew I was going to be pregnant. FUCK! This feeling of failure, agony, sadness, longing, disappointment, frustration, depression, emptiness, and hatred has taken over today. I can’t keep it together. I have my friends telling me to hang in there, and they are sad for me, and showing me nothing but love and support. I have my wonderful love telling me not to give up, that even though we didn’t make it happen this month, we will make it happen. Then, my mom chimes in with the popular, I hope you are okay if it never happens, you may not be one of those who can have babies….thanks mom. I am trying my best to stay positive, hope for the best, and keep trying, but this is wearing me down. I don’t know how many more failures I can take. I feel like I am breaking. I am bummed I couldn’t come back here with some amazing and happy news, but this is not the end, I will keep fighting, and I will be a mom! FUCK!

Halfway Through The TWW....

I am almost halfway done with the two week wait. I haven't been nearly as stressed or preoccupied with it as I had been before. I have only been allowing myself to Google every so often, but have pretty much stayed off of it. Things around here haven't been as stressful, however, we leave to go to Arizona Friday and that place is like the mecca of stress! I will be trying to do a ton of praying and meditation to calm myself. As far as feelings goes, I have been feeling a little off. I started Crinone a day after my IUI, so it is tough to know if anything are early pregnancy symptoms or side effects from the progesterone cream. My boobs have been insanely sore the last 4 day, and getting worse every day. They feel full and super tender. The only other symptom I have felt has been extreme fatigue. I am normally a night owl. We typically go to bed between 11-12 pm every night and wake up about 6-630 am in the mornings. Friday, I went to bed at about 8 and then on Saturday, I went to bed at about 630 pm and woke up at 10 pm for an hour or so, and then back to bed and woke up at 11am. Again, not sure of how much is related to the meds, or just my body telling me to slow down, but I like to think that it could be symptoms! A friend of mine at work bought me a pineapple after I told her one day that they aid in conception/implantation, so I thought it was super sweet for her to think of me and to bring me one. I cut it into fourths, including the core, and ate one fourth of it each night starting two days after my IUI. I also like to think that it had a hand in helping this little one to stick. That is pretty much it for now, just more waiting and praying! I hope to be able to post some amazing news soon.....in the mean time, lots of prayers and well wishes are always welcome!