Weathering the storm!

Not gonna lie, yesterday was a hard day! All week last week, I kept checking in anticipation for my period to start so I could start the process for IUI. Finally, on Sunday, Aunt Flow arrived just on time! This was the first time I was actually excited for it to come! I darted out of the bathroom grinning! I told D why I couldn’t stop smiling and he joined right in with me. It was official, we are on our way to the land of insemination! Yesterday morning, I called my doctor to set up the CD2/3 ultrasound for precautionary reasons to check that all looks okay, make sure I am not currently pregnant, and to get a full timeline for this month. They had a 9am, so I took it. Called my boss and was able to go in afterwards rather than driving to work just to turn back around and head to the doctors. I sat in the parking lot for a half an hour just listening to music and planning the dates in my head growing more anxious by the minute. It was finally time to go in! I jumped in the elevator and made my way towards the office. I did the usual workup and went to the examination room. My doctor came in, we briefly talked about why she is doing the ultrasound, talked about when to take the Letrozole, and then she began. Much to our surprise, I have developed a cyst on the left side of my ovaries. It is roughly 3 cm and decided to fuck up my day! Here I was, everything planned out in my head, FINALLY ready to get the show on the road, and then THIS! I was crushed! Tears filled my eyes as I laid there in disbelief of what was on the monitor. Because it is on my left side, the side she wants to use, and the fact that the Letrozle aids in the growth of these, my IUI was canceled. These things are completely normal and pretty common from what I have read. They typically hang around a cycle or two and the go away. I had an ultrasound the end of January, but it had not been checked since. So this cyst, this pain in my fucking ass, could either be on its way out, or it could be hanging around uninvited for the next few months! Unfuckingbelivable! I still haven’t quite sorted my feelings out on this! The very month we are to start this, and I have this lovely little cyst, smirking at me, saying ‘NOPE’, right in my face! It is so hard not to feel like this is an attack, like an intentional slap to the face. I tried so hard staying positive and turning it around yesterday, but it was so hard. So now, we wait! AGAIN! I have another wonderful 30 days of torture before we get to see if this little bastard packed his bags and hit the road, or if he is loafing off my ovary for another month! Praying every day that this goes away and I get to try again next month!

Last week was National Infertility Awareness week, and as I watched a few videos from a channel I subscribe to, I heard something I feel in love with. ‘Saying someone can’t be sad because someone else may have it worse, is just like saying someone can’t be happy because someone else may have it better.” This is something that I constantly battle with, especially yesterday. I was so incredibly sad, and a little angry. And I kept telling myself, it could have been worse. I could have an irreversible condition that leaves me totally infertile. It could be worse. Well, yes, it could be, but it also could be better. What happened yesterday was devastating to me, and I was sad. I absolutely had the right to be sad and cry and feel a little sorry for myself. And then move on. Anyone with infertility has the right to feel how they feel. No matter what you have that causes your infertility, it just plain sucks and you have the right to feel sad! You also have the right to feel happy. Anyone who has suffered through infertility and has made it through the light at the end of the tunnel with their bundle of joy has the right to be happy without feeling any guilt! Guilt is one of the strongest emotions I have felt through all of this. Guilt for having infertility in the first place, like somehow, I could have prevented this. Guilt for getting upset at something that still allows me the chance to conceive. I did something I didn’t think I would do last night. I took to my Facebook to release some of the guilt and frustration I had been feeling. This is what I posted:


So last week was National Infertility Awareness week, and I was going to post something about it, but i found myself feeling completely embarrassed that people would know that I suffer from infertility. For me personally, it makes me feel inferior as a woman, a failure, and like I am to blame for this. But the truth is, I am not. Infertility is just like any other illness out there, it doesn't chose based on looks, life choices or circumstance; it attacks with no rhyme or reason. This has been one of the hardest things I have gone through in my entire life, it is almost all consuming. It's typically discovered because you are unsuccessfully trying to have a baby and seek medical assistance. At that point, you already have a strong desire in your heart for this child. This is something I struggle with everyday and I am fighting the good fight! I decided to write this today because it was something that was in my heart and I didn't want to feel all of that guilt for having infertility or have it be something I was hiding. For anyone who is struggling with infertility, you are not alone and it is not your fault!

So anyone out there who may be reading this, I want you to know that you are not alone! Nobody can understand what we are going through except for those of us who are weathering this storm! It too shall pass!

Should be working......

Within the last few days, I have become extremely nervous, antsy, and very emotional. My upcoming monthly friend can be reason enough for most of it, but the fact that in about a month, I could very well be pregnant, has almost everything to do with my emotions! I am due to start my period in about 4 days. From there, I go in for an ultrasound to get the okay from my doctor, and then I start my meds. It is so surreal to be at this place in my life. I thought I was this close before, but ended up being miles away from it. Now I know exactly how close I am, and while it is ridiculously exciting, it is equally as terrifying! In a month, for the first time in my life, I could be pregnant! I think the thing that makes me the most nervous are success rates and whether or not it will work on the first try. I have this terrible habit of using Google for EVERYTHING! Google is a wonderful tool, don’t get me wrong, but when it comes to things in the medical field, it can give you horribly wrong information, or frankly, scare the living shit outta you! Always a fan of modern technology, but in this instance, I need to show some restrain and not Google every freaking thing about infertility and pregnancy! I spent countless hours last week perusing pages and pages of blogs, all from women who have gone through IUI’s hoping for some insight into this process or my success rates. There were so many combinations of people and outcomes, it really didn’t clarify anything for me! I pretty much learned that this process is not in my hands. Deciding to do it is all of the say I have in this matter. The doctors are responsible for the procedure, and it is up to God and nature for the rest to happen. All I can do is sit and wait. For an impatient person such as myself, this is torturous! I am ready for this to happen, for me to give it my all and hope/pray for the best! I am hopeful but also realistic. It may not happen on the first try, or possibly even the second, but I will not give up hope! I will be pregnant, and I will have a beautiful, wonderful, healthy and happy baby! For now, I wait. Better get used to this waiting thing! More updates to come on this grand adventure I am setting out on!

All Systems GO

Getting one step closer……got the all okay to do the IUI! D and I had our appointment with the doctor to discuss all of our test results and to come together to make a plan. All of my tests had come out great, considering my newly diagnosed condition. The only other foreseeable complication was that D was borderline on his count. He had about 16 million as opposed to the typical 20 million. Our doctor said that with both of those circumstances that we face, we could try on our own, it wouldn’t be impossible, just harder than most. She recommended that we highly consider the IUI, which I was all for! Our timeline as of now, is shooting for sometime in early May! I am already in the first week of my cycle, so we are going to time it for the next cycle, which happens towards the end of April.  I was instantly excited and a bit terrified! She walked through how the whole procedure will take place, which I liked a lot. I will take a drug similar to Clomid but that is not as concentrated. Since I only have half a uterus, she is worried about me conceiving twins, so lower dose means lower risk of multiples. I will take that drug for 5 days. After that, I will do an ultrasound close to ovulation that will show if my follicle looks good and is mature enough. If all looks good, I do a trigger shot (injection) that freaks me out, and a few days after the trigger shot, it is time for the IUI itself. D will go on the day of the procedure and give his ‘sample’. They will wash it and prep it so they are ready for the mighty swim and give it a little boost, like Red Bull for sperm! A few hours later, they will perform the IUI and inseminate me, hopefully resulting in pregnancy!

Ahhhh! This seems so surreal, I can’t believe I am finally going to do this! The fact that I get to do the IUI in the first place is like a miracle to me! Never thought I would be at this place in my life, at least this soon! I couldn't be happier! One of D’s friends had a baby this last week, and when we went to visit them in the hospital, D could not take his eyes off the baby, I swear he even got teary eyed! After we left the hospital, he talked about his excitement for our appointment and how he really wanted our baby! Was so wonderful to hear that and to feel his excitement! I often wondered if I am pushing him into this or getting him pumped up for something he really isn’t too thrilled with, but I now I know!  I am incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful man who not only loves me, but supports me, and chooses to share his love and life with me! This girl is truly happy and has a smile from ear to ear that won’t leave her face!

D and I decided to start a scrapbook of pictures from our fertility journey. So here is the first one. This is in our RE's office after we decided to go with the IUI! Never felt happier!

One Step Closer On This Long Journey

Well, one of the hard parts is done and over with, thank God! I went up a few weeks ago and had my Hysteroscopy done. I will say, it took way less time than I thought, but was a lot more painful than I had imagined. The procedure itself was extremely invasive and ‘uncomfortable’, as my doctor likes to put it. But, they got everything and the doctor performing the procedure said everything else looks normal! As soon as I left the facility, I cried. I had this overwhelming emotion take over my entire body that was relief mixed with happiness. I actually felt one giant step closer to becoming pregnant! That really was the icing on the cake to a wonderful weekend. Beforehand, my mother, D and I went up to Denver for the night and had a blast. We picked this awesome hotel that was in this up and coming area with a great shopping complex a few blocks away. We went shopping, ate munchies in our room, attended the happy hour with free food and drink in the hotel lobby, went swimming, watched movies, and awoke to a full breakfast bar and an extended check out time. I was feeling anxious and relaxed at the same time! When we got back home, I got pampered while laying in bed watching TV and reading. It was great, though not that I ever want to repeat that procedure again! So now, we wait, until next Thursday that it. I have my appointment scheduled for April 2^nd to go over all of mine and D’s tests and make a game plan for what to do next. I am equally nervous and excited! Hope all goes well and we can start something soon! Ahhh!! This is all so surreal! Makes me smile!

Things outside of the baby realm have been pretty good as well, just a bit crazy and busy, but I like it! At work, we moved into a new building that has been an adjustment, but allowed for some pretty awesome redecorating! I also had some surprise visitors last weekend, my family! My Aunt, Cousin, her 2 kids, and my Grandma came down from Arizona and spent 4 days with us. It got a little crazy at times, but all in all, it was a pretty great visit! Life has been pretty great, can’t complain too much, just hoping it stays this way, I could get used to feeling this happy and hopeful! :)

Test, Result, Repeat

Been a pretty crazy week, it's only Monday but wishing it were Friday already! Work has kept me on my toes the past few weeks, but hoping for a bit of  a slowdown. Had a pretty good week last week as far as baby making goes. Went in for some tests and discovered that I actually ovulate on my own! I was shocked to say the least! My prior OB had me convinced that I do not ovulate on my own and that I also have a Luteal Phase Defect, which I do not! Terrible doctor I never plan to go back to! I got the call a few days after my Day 21 test, and when she told me, I just cried! This was incredible news! We also received word that D's test came back great as well, though I already knew that since he has children, but was nice to know that he still has some good swimmers! And, I had my ultrasound that confirmed that I do in fact have both Kidneys! Feeling more complete than before! Now we move on to the next phase, my Hysteroscopy. I am going in a week from today to have the mass in my uterus removed. I am extremely nervous about how much pain this will cause. My doctor lovingly tells me it will be 'slightly more uncomfortable than the HSG'. If she thinks the HSG was only uncomfortable, I am terrified at what she considers to be painful! But I know that pain is only temporary and if this is what it takes to get me nice and preggo, I can deal with it! So that is where we currently stand with all of this. Once I have the Hysteroscopy, we make an appointment to go over all of the results from the multitude of tests taken and make a plan! Very excited to see where this goes! I am beyond blessed to have such a wonderful doctor who truly cares and will help us turn this dream into reality!

As far as normal life is concerned, things are going well! Work is hard but I am loving it! D and I have spent the weekend together shopping and watching movies, I felt so lucky to be snuggled up to this man and just enjoying life! Next weekend, we will take A to go see the Harlem Globetrotters and hopefully to see the new Sponge Bob movie, and then up to Denver we go! Hoping for a good week and a nice relaxing weekend!

Different Destination

I took this class in college that went towards my Early Childhood Education degree that was called, ‘The Exceptional Child’. This class was about children with special needs and taught inclusion in the classroom. We had this wonderful woman in one day to speak to us about the challenges her son with Down Syndrome goes through and how to incorporate his challenges within the classroom for him to be successful. She started the discussion with a letter she had written, it was called, ‘My Trip to Holland’. The synopsis of the letter was how she planned her trip to Paris (TTC), prepared for fabulous Paris by packing and boarding the plane (Pregnancy), but upon arrival, realized that she was in fact in Holland. Not quite her destination or what she had planned on, but still was an amazing journey that changed her life. A truly inspirational story that really helped me this week and was weighing heavily on my heart.

 I went last Thursday for my very invasive test, which is also known as an HSG. It is a test to see if my fallopian tubes were blocked, and if they were, it would unblock it and hopefully allow me to be successful in TTC or an IUI. I went in at 7:30am for the test. I will say, this test was far more painful than expected. Thankfully, it only lasted about 6 minutes. I finished up and headed back to work. I got a call about an hour later from my doctor who wanted me to go to her office so she could personally re-run the test as she saw an abnormality and wanted to check it herself. She sacrificed her lunch hour to get me in, so I nervously agreed. As I laid on the table going through another round of intense pain, my mind was racing with all of the possibilities this abnormality could be, and wondered if I could in fact get pregnant. After the exam, we headed to her office and she told me her findings. I was diagnosed with a Unicornuate Uterus. It is a rare uterine abnormality that happens in about 3% of the population. Essentially, as I was forming in the womb, my uterus never grew together like normal babies, it instead stayed as one and the other never formed. I have half a uterus and one fallopian tube. I do however, have two functioning ovaries, and a normal looking cervix. I also found out that it is typical for people with UU to have only one kidney, which I will get a scan of to confirm if this is the case. Along with all of this, I also found out I have a mass in my cervix and will need a Hysteroscopy to get it removed, as it is probably blocking anything from implanting. So what does this mean for conceiving? Actually, nothing. I can still conceive, it will just be a bit harder as I only have one tube and will have to time it with precise monitoring. I am also still able to go for an IUI which should help a ton! The concern now is what happens after I conceive. My chances of miscarriage are about the same as any other woman in early pregnancy, however, it increases as I get further into my pregnancy as I only have half the space for the fetus to grow. I would have to see a high-risk OBGYN to monitor me through the 2^nd and 3^rd trimester. I was at a loss for words and completely shocked at this news. Never in my life did I think that I could have such an abnormality. This news gave me perspective into the reasoning why I was having a hard time getting pregnant, and helped me reach the conclusion that I need to find another OBGYN. My RE is absolutely incredible and treats me not like a patient, but a friend. She tells me like it is, is truly concerned for me, and takes the time to thoroughly test and to listen/talk to me about my concerns. I am so angry at the time and energy wasted on my current OBGYN. I now know what a good doctor looks like! 

My life has now completely changed. I had just arrived in Holland. While I am still able to get pregnant, we have now been re-routed to a different path with a whole new set of obstacles. Would I change anything if I could? No. While it is a lot to take in, and now I feel more like a Frankenstein creature than ever before, I count myself lucky that it wasn’t anything more sever. I am still able to get pregnant, and there are a multitude of women out there who have my condition and go on to have multiple successful pregnancies and deliveries. I am feeling confident and hopeful. This may not be as easy as I thought it would be, I am ready for the challenge! I still thank God every day for the many blessing bestowed upon my life, and I know, in my heart, he will give me the desires of my heart! I just have to be patient and enjoy the ride!

On the road again....

This is all happening so fast, I LOVE it! To fill you in, I went to see the reproductive endocrinologist and the University of Colorado Advanced Reproductive Medicine on Thursday the 29^th. It was an extremely good visit, but my head is still spinning with everything that is going on! So we did our initial consultation where we laid everything out there. I left nothing out and she even counseled us on a few things I hadn’t thought of. I am in love with this wonderful doctor. She is so knowledgeable, so caring, and is extremely blunt, which is what we needed. She told me she wanted to do some testing before going straight to the IUI in case there were some underlying concerns or things that may prevent the IUI from taking. She got me immediately into a room to do a pelvic ultrasound to check that my uterus, cervix, and ovaries looked good and that there were no cysts. She had a slight concern as to if I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). After about 10 minutes, she said that all looked good. She scheduled a blood test for the next day and one for CD21 to check progesterone levels. She feels that I am likely ovulating on my own since I have normal cycles every month, but I kind of doubt that I am, so we shall see. I am also scheduled to do a HSG test tomorrow at 7am, this one has me worried not only for the outcome, but for the exam itself. The HSG is a lovely test where I am probed and prodded to check for fallopian tube blockage. I heard that it is quite painful, and even more so if they are blocked. But I also heard that sometimes, if they are blocked and the blockage is removed, that you can become ‘super fertile’. Again, we shall see. Got my blood test back today and everything looked good except for low Vitamin D levels, which I need a supplement for, and elevated Prolactin levels, which may mean that I am not ovulating on my own. A retest for this will be done on the same day as my CD21 test. Good news is that I was negative on PCOS, my insulin resistance level was normal! So this will be quite a month for testing! Uncomfortable and slightly painful, but all absolutely worth it! Once these are done and D has to give his ‘sample’ for an analysis, we will reconvene for a visit to go over everything and come up with a plan. So we could potentially be doing an IUI in the next few months!! Whoever reads this, please keep us in your prayers! I am so excited but equally nervous! I am so thankful that I get to be on this path yet again, and even more blessed for the wonderful man who is standing beside me through it! He has been incredibly encouraging and supportive, it amazes me! Even today, I told him over text that my invasive test is tomorrow, and he reminded me to take my ibuprofen like the doctor said before hand. The fact that he remember that, my lovely little absent minded love, was proof that this matters to him and the he was listening to every word. I am honestly so incredibly happy, I have this perma-grin on my face! So for now, I will be continuing down this road of infertility with hope and love in my heart and will be sure to give many updates as anyone who has gone through this stuff knows, it is a long journey, but will all be worth it in the end!