New Year, New Beginings

Yesterday, I woke up on the very first day of 2013 in kind of a funk. I am still in the healing process of all of this, but my future is so uncertain that when I spend a lot of time thinking about it, my head spins and I literally feel ill. I started off the morning watching the Rose Parade, sipping on my coffee, and eating donut holes while pushing the start of my diet off 1 day. I became extremely restless and knew there were things I needed to do but didn’t know where to start. My mom and I started by tearing down the Christmas decorations and deep cleaning the house. That is when it hit me. If I was going to give the house a fresh start, then I should do the same for me. I went around with trash bags and boxes and began to rid the upstairs of any sign of him. I piled in clothes, knick knacks, pictures, and anything that remotely reminded me of him. It was incredibly hard but gave me such satisfaction and encouragement that everything will be okay. I decided that I would box everything up and set a date where he would come get all of the stuff I set out for him at once. I am tired of the random visits where I come back and discover things are missing. He left, he abandoned everything, then told me I could have everything only for him to raid the house when I am not there! It pisses me off and is really disrespectful! I am tired of being the nice guy and bending over backwards for him while he walks all over me! I deserve better! I have only asked him for a few things since he left and it is like pulling teeth. It was like a few weeks after he left and he called begging for me to help him by putting 4 new tires on my credit card so he could be safe on the road, and like a caring idiot, I did it. He only paid me back for about half of it and I just blew off the rest he owed me. So this week, when my dryer went out, and I have nothing left in savings, I thought that he might extend me that same courtesy and help me out with this. But nope, no such luck. It just sucks that I went from having someone to rely on and help me through life’s curve balls to having no one. It is a tough pill to swallow. I feel like I am getting stronger every day, and I can’t quite see the light and the end of the tunnel, but I believe I will get there someday. This is a new year filled with new possibilities and new adventures, and I am ready to take it on!

I ran across these lyrics this weekend and they were just so perfect that I had to share:

“I guess it's going to have to hurt, I guess I'm going to have to cry, And let go of some things I've loved to get to the other side. I guess it's going to break me down, Like fallin when you try to fly, Sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye”
― Carrie Underwood