Strange new territory

This new world I was thrown in feels so strange, but super exciting. My life in itself has been strange. I was always the chubby kid so for most of my life, I was outcast in school and overlooked by all of the boys. The only one that showed my any attention was in jr. high and he ended up being gay. For that full story, look in my earlier posts. I never dated in high school, and it was mostly due to immature boys in a hormone driven setting. My first day of college, I met my husband, and in between our dating timeframe, I dated another guy I met in college. My husband ended up being my first for everything. My first real date, my first kiss, my first break up, my first sexual experience, and so on. I really know nothing of the dating scene. I don’t know how to act, what to say, or what to do. I will also add that I am extremely impatient, which all of this adds for a train wreck! I am not saying that I am ready to start dating, but the idea is pretty dang exciting and scary as hell! My biggest obstacle is with self confidence. I was at on okay weight in college, but after my husband and I got together, I packed on the weight as most couples do. Now that he has left, and dating is becoming a reality, I have started working on my body to get comfortable with myself. I have lost nearly 50 pounds and have a few more to lose before I will be happy. This is such a huge thing for me as it has been a struggle my whole life. I have always been judged on how I look rather than who I am. But I will say that with the majority of my boy experience was in school, I really don’t know how men act today. Note, I also used the words boy and men in those scenarios because I would like to believe that the maturity between each has drastically changed.

 

So confession time… this topic was spawned by recent events. In the past few weeks, I have been prepping myself  to move on and leave my old life behind. I know as far as dating, I am not ready, and not sure when I will be, which makes the next thing I am about to say make absolutely no sense. Last week, I decided to take charge and take my car in for an oil change. My mom told me about ladies day at a chain store that offers a discount on a particular day. As I was heading out to the one I immediately thought of, I realized that there is one directly across the street from my work, so I went there. I will preface this by saying that I am not a moron, but I have never taken my car in for an oil change by myself. This is something that my husband always did for me or with me. So I parked the car, and went in. I was greeted by this incredibly gorgeous man with the most amazing eyes I have ever seen. He politely let me know that I needed to go around back and in my embarrassment, I revealed that I didn’t know what I was doing. He simply flashed me an adorable smile and gave me instructions. I spent a hour in that store and caught myself looking and smiling at him, and even caught him doing the same to me. He came in to talk about my car, and all I could do was stare into his eyes and listen to his smooth deep voice. Sadly, my time had come to leave, and I tried my best not to get flustered as I normally do around men. We struck up conversation and I told him that I worked across the street. He seemed interested in that and we talked for a few more minutes but then he had to return to work. He told me that I could come back whenever I wanted to for a car wash and smiled once more, and that was the last of our interaction. A few days later, I could not get this man out of my head! He was ridiculously hot, kind, great personality, and I had butterflies. I decided that since that store was not a place that I could frequent, I would go out on a limb and try to spark up conversation with him to see if there was anything. I am a believer in signs, though maybe I should reconsider this as they rarely work for me, but there were a lot of signs that kept popping up in my head. I went to this one instead of the other one, he was the one who helped me out of the other 10 guys, and he was just my type. I went back a few days later and he was not there and the car wash, aka my excuse, was out of order. I did end up finding out his name though. I gave it a few more days and went back. The car wash was working, but sadly, he was not. In my head, I rationalized that somehow, I needed to reach out to him and give him my number. I wrote out a cheesy note and ran it into the store and handed it to a guy asking it to give it to the hottie. My heart was racing and I was so nervous but oddly excited. I am not quite sure why I did what I did, and not entirely sure what I would do if he actually calls, but it felt liberating and refreshing doing something so outside of my comfort zone and something I would never do before. I had a smile plastered on my face all day! I am almost positive that he will not call, either because he will never receive it, or that he knows what I know, that he is so far out of my league. I think that was the reason it made it easier to give him my number, because a part of me knew he wouldn't call. I just keep imagining what it would be like to be so lucky to have a chance at getting to know this man, even if we just become friends. It will probably end up being a way to fantasize about my future and get excited about moving on with someone  else than a reality, but I don’t mind having an adorable face to fantasize about!