Save the drama

Who knew that life could get so messy?! For those whoever say that life is dull and try to create drama…think again! I would give anything to have a dull life. This is just a little too crazy for my taste. So for the past few days I have been giddy over oil change boy and that lifted my mood a ton and has given me something to look forward to. So I get home last night and discover a financial issue that needs to be taken care of immediately and I need my husband’s help. I call him and am greeted angrily and can sense an attitude instantly. I explain the situation and somehow it turns into a pissing match. We are both at each other’s throats over anything and everything! I can feel the hatred building up in me as he takes jabs at me left and right, so I start throwing them back. The things he said were hurtful, but not nearly as hurtful as the fact that I could hear him literally enjoying the fact that he was hurting me and even caught him laughing at one point. That is the exact moment that I was glad it was over between us! Somehow the conversation turned to me moving on with a different man and I made a snide comment of the fact that I had moved on while keeping oil change boy in my mind. He snapped back saying he knew I did and he knew who it was. Let me preface this by quickly explaining that when we were dating, I started developing feelings for his friend. I told him all about it because I wanted to be upfront and honest. We eventually figured things out and I promised to bury my feelings and let it go and move on with him. His friend knew the feelings I had,  but we just all pretended that nothing happened and went on as normal. Over the years, my feelings grew for this man and I hid it deep down. I knew that I should not have these feelings but I was powerless. This man is pretty much the epitome of a perfect man! We get along great, have so many similar interests, he is gorgeous with all of the qualities I look for, and he is just an all around incredible person. Every now and then, I wondered what would have been had he felt the same. There were often times where I felt like he could feel the same by the things he has done and the way he acts, but my history with trying to figure men out never ended well. During one of our recent fights while separated, I told my husband that I was in love with his friend…mainly to hurt him but it was also a revelation of truth. His friend and I talk, though mainly through texts, and we have a pretty great relationship considering. So back to the conversation; he said he knew I was seeing his friend. His assumption was wrong but felt amused and thrilled that he would think that. I simply told him that my personal life is none of his business and stayed true to that statement through all of the badgering. I could tell it was bothering him and honestly, it felt good to finally get under his skin. The conversation ended with him hanging up on me. My husband has this habit to lie uncontrollably, especially if it benefits him, so all I could think about was the story he would tell his friend. I was afraid that he would try to sabotage our friendship with these lies, so I sent his friend a letter. I explained the situation, apologized, told him what sparked that accusation and how I felt about him, and then gave him an out if he wanted to end our friendship. The thought of losing him terrifies me like none other. I love him and it would be devastating to not have him in my life, in any facet, but I also don’t want to ruin any of his relationships because of what is going on. I haven’t heard from him yet, and I am not sure if that is a good thing or not. I just really want to talk to him and let him know everything I am feeling…I want to explain myself. I am not sure what is going to happen with it all, but I am trying to remain hopeful, that is all I can do!