Adaptation

I think back to the days in school when we were learning about butterflies. A caterpillar is born, then later in life it wraps itself in a cocoon, then emerges as a butterfly. I think about this in terms of my life now. I spent my younger years as this awkward and plain caterpillar, and when I entered into my first real relationship, that was the equivalent of wrapping myself in a cocoon. It was safe and warm and gave me a sense of false security. Eventually, the time had come to emerge from my cocoon and discover that I am now this butterfly. I feel like a whole new person. I came out with this different personality, I have more confidence, a stronger voice, a better idea of who I am and what I want in life. On the flip side, I now have to discover and experience life as this butterfly. Things are challenging and new but appear as intimidating and downright scary. While I am having fun, I also have to be careful that I don’t do something that could hurt me. I say all of this to put into perspective how I am feeling and what I am going through at this particular moment in my life. This new guy, I am really taken by him. We have talked to each other every day and all day long for a week straight and we have been out on 4 dates. This with him are progressing more than I ever imagined they would. I am happy but extremely terrified. I have never had these kind of feelings for someone like this. They are intense and there is this overwhelming passion I feel for him. I decided that I would take things slow and not get too involved with anyone but that seems to have gone out the window. All of this is exciting, but there is also something that just gets under my skin and I can’t shake. He is a little older than me and way more experienced than I am in a lot of things. I have only ever dated one man, slept with one man, and married one man. He has had numerous relationships and sexual partners. I was intimidated at first, but more so, I am confused about it all. I have so many conflicting emotions. I am not a sexual person, I like sex, but it is not something that I like to throw around like it is nothing. In fact, I think sometimes I hold too much value to it, which can be an unrealistic expectation. To him, sex is a way to express interest in someone, and the value he holds to it equates to nothing more than lust, another unrealistic expectation. So you have two people that really care about one another with two very different views on an important topic. We had a little bit of an argument on this and it made me evaluate how much I like this guy and also how much I am still stuck in this caterpillar mind frame. I am trying to hold all of the same values as I did when I was younger, but they are not exactly applicable to me now. I am acting very naïve and ignorant. I need to find a balance of the two while still keeping the things that matter to me like my morals. I could easily give in but then I would resent him and it wouldn’t make anything last. But I also understand where he is coming from and by pushing him away and “rejecting” him, he would resent me. I am trying to adapt a new set of guidelines for myself that I feel good about but that also allow me to express the woman I feel like I am. It’s like how the butterfly who could only walk to get around now has the option to walk or to fly but can’t figure out what works best. It’s trial and error. I don’t want to get hurt but I also don’t want to let life pass me by. So to this I say, I am going to step outside of my comfort zone and let things happen naturally and see what happens. I am ready for adventure, I am ready for life to begin again!