Waiting...

I have a whole new prospective on waiting. I thought the two week wait was bad, try waiting for the one you love to decide if he is going to make the marriage work or if he is done completely. My life changed dramatically Sunday evening. My husband and I have not had an easy relationship from the beginning. There were some wrong doings by both of us, but after years of struggle, I felt like we had a pretty good and strong marriage. About a month ago, he started acting very strange, like asking me if he could take some female co-workers to a party, or over explaining every decision he is making. It just didn’t seem like him. I got an eerie feeling that something was wrong. Years ago when we were just engaged, he was sneaking phone calls to a female co-worker. I caught him doing it the first time and explained how suspicious that was and how I didn’t like it. He promised to stop. 6 months down the road, I found out he was calling her again and I got so angry, it was emotional cheating. We fought for months, and I wanted to call it quits, but I knew the love I had for him was strong, so I took him at his word that it would never happen again. Years later, things had gotten back to normal. I fully trusted him, never doubted him, and felt like we were happy. That brings us back to this month. I had that feeling, and then felt like I had to check the phone records. There were numerous calls to this strange number. I immediately called him and he told me it was just a female friend from work. I was furious! I couldn’t believe he was doing this to me again! He apologized profusely and said he didn’t realize he was doing it. We had been arguing about it for over a week. He looked at me last weekend and apologized again, and said he would never do it again and he wants me to trust him. I told him I would and we would put it past us. I went to a women of faith conference with his mother this last weekend, and Sunday was going to be our day together. We had a wonderful day shopping, planning dinner, and making plans with our friends for the next day. We had fallen asleep while watching football, and my mom called to wake me up. He went upstairs for a few, and when I finished talking to my mom, I went to join him and cook dinner. As I got upstairs he had a weird look on his face, and I got that feeling again. I noticed that our home phone was sitting in the bedroom. I asked him why and he told me he was checking the voicemail. I picked it up, hit redial, and she answered. I didn’t know what to do, I started shaking and fury was taking over my body. He lied, and what was worse is that she was worth all of the extra effort and deceit that he put into calling her. I didn’t know what to do, so I got in my car, drove up the road and cried. When I got back, he was gone. I called him and he told me that he was done. He had fallen out of love with me and he didn’t want our marriage anymore. I begged him to come home and talk to me. A few hours later, after he left her house, he came home. He was as cold as could be, no emotion. I begged for him to not leave me, not break the promise he made to me and God. He didn’t care. He left! We have talked sporadically, but nothing has changed. This sounds like it is over, but there are a few uncertainties that are pulling at me. One- the girl, who he told me he had feelings for is Married, with 2 kids, and she is leaving this week to go to Florida with her husband. Two- I asked him how long he has felt like this, he said a few weeks now. This coincides with the time frame that he has been taking the testosterone shots. I looked up his meds and called the dr. and they both said that if it is too high of a dose, it can affect the chemicals in his brain and cause anger, depression, and extreme mood change. My only prayer of hoping he gets over this is that when she leaves and the meds are out of his system, he will realize he made a huge mistake. The only thing I can do is sit here and wait…………………………………………….