Moments

Do you ever have the moments that you realize you are exactly where you were meant to be at that exact moment? I had that this weekend. I was at church on Sunday waiting for the service to begin and this song comes on. I like the beat so I Shazam it, and keep it in my tag folder for later. The whole church service was completely fitting for the point in my life that I am in, and even the ending message touched me in such a deep way. That was the moment I am talking about. So let’s skip ahead to today. I am working and I feel like listening to music so I bring up my tags and go to Youtube to listen. I am jamming out and to the right side of the screen, something catches my eye. It is a video from the same artist I am listening to, and the song is called “You Kill Me”, and something was telling me to listen. The first 30 seconds of the song intrigued me and I was dying to look up the lyrics. As I read them, a chill went down my spine and my heart filled with sorrow and immense sadness. Here they are:

Hold your head up dear
I'm the one who's wounded here
But I love you still the same

There's patterns on the floor
But I can't look at you any more
Thats when you look at me

You pull me down underneath
And my air, I can't breath
I can't sleep , I can't dream
And I can't stop loving you, kill me

30 years down in flames
I gave my heart , I took a name
Took a chance , took a ring
I can't stop loving you, kill me

I close my eyes and say
This can not be happening
Am I the one to blame?

When we rang the wedding bells
Should we have left with someone else?
Is that what you really need?
Is that what you really need?

You pull me down underneath
And my air, I can't breath
I can't sleep , I can't dream
And I can't stop loving you, kill me

30 years down in flames
I gave my heart , I took a name
Took a chance, took a ring
I can't stop loving you, kill me

Everything I've been
Everything I am
My hearts the same as yours
I love you the same

Everything I've been
Everything I am
My hearts the same as yours
I love you the...

(I love you the same)
(I love you the same)
(I love you the same)

Everything I been
Everything I am
My hearts the same yours
I love you the same

~You Kill Me by Paper Route~

I could not believe it, they were everything I was thinking and feeling summed up in a powerful song. It doesn’t necessarily make me feel better, but it gives me a sense of peace that I am not the only one thinking the same thing. You would think every day would get easier, but it doesn’t. I just miss him a million times more and have this incredible urge to talk to him. So far, I haven’t spoken to him since Thursday, and I took my counselors advice and started journaling like I was talking to him. It helps but it still kills me that I am not actually talking to him, that I know nothing about what he is thinking or feeling. It probably didn’t help that the journal I am using is one that I started when Greg and I started dating. Inside are endless amounts of love notes, professions of love, flowers, letters about how I am his world and he can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me. I want so badly for him to read it, all of it like I had so he can remember how much I meant to him and how much he means to me. I still feel so lost and so alone. I feel like I am in limbo with no end in sight. It has to get better, it just has to!