Friday, October 26, 2012
Ouch
Last night I went through about a bottle and a half
of wine, needless to say, it was not a good day! The day started off okay, I
was happy that I lost another pound and a pair of jeans I couldn’t fit into
suddenly fit. Work was going good, moderately busy and was able to talk to a
friend and distract myself further. And then, everything fell to shit! He calls
me and politely asks if he can come grab some warm clothes because of the snowy
cold weather, he apologizes for the rude things he said and did yesterday which
was nice, and then we start talking bills. I am personally struggling with this
because he seems to feel like he is no longer responsible for these bills that we
created together. I don’t get the luxury of walking away and saying screw it.
I have to be the responsible one here! We worked so hard to get out of debt and create this life together, I am not
going to have my credit ruined again. So now I am forced to look for a second
job until I can let the contracts on some of our extras expire. As I am
explaining this to him, he begins to get snotty, so I let him go. Not even 10
minutes later, he is calling me back asking to talk to me about us. I give in
and lock myself in the conference room. He starts to tell me that my mom is the
big issue, and now that she is living there, any chance that I had for him to
come back is gone. Not only does this upset me, but it kills me. Why does he
think it is okay to give me these glimmers of hope and then yank them away like
it is nothing?! I understand that he has problems with my mom, but be a man and
admit that she is not the reason we are here! I continue to tell him the things
I am working on and the things I have discovered about myself that I don’t
like. As I am listing them off, I tell him that since I am being honest, he
should too. He should own up to what happened and admit that he was wrong. Does
he?.... NOPE! It is now my fault because I asked him not to talk to her outside
of work and because of that request, I pushed him into calling her. His
reasoning baffles me, but I let him continue. Just as I ask him to explain what
is going on in his head, he decides right in that moment to tell me that the
friends he is staying with are expecting their first child. Now this woman I
don’t particularly care for, she has always been rude and not a nice person. I
told him when all of the fertility stuff was going on, that I don’t care who gets pregnant, I just
want to get pregnant before she does. I know that is rude and cold hearted, but
that is how I felt. Going back to that moment, I felt like he was standing
before me with a giant knife that he stabbed in my heart. I couldn’t breathe.
Why in that moment, and this time in my life, did he have to tell me that. It
was probably the most painful moment thus far. Here is this woman who for the
most part is just downright mean, she has everything handed to her, and she has
a husband who loves her, but now, she is pregnant. She has my dream, and it is
not fair! I have worked so hard for everything in my life, and where does it
get me?! I have debt, no husband, and no child! I do not understand life or
gods plan. Did he forget about me, am I lost under a stack of others? I just
don’t get it. I feel completely heartbroken and devastated! I am not sure I can
take much else. Needless to say, today is kind of a miserable day. I am hungover,
still feeling shitty, and more lost than ever! I just want to know that this
will get better, that there will be a light at the end of this very dark and
long tunnel. Will I ever have the fairy tale ending?
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