Friday, October 26, 2012

Ouch

Last night I went through about a bottle and a half of wine, needless to say, it was not a good day! The day started off okay, I was happy that I lost another pound and a pair of jeans I couldn’t fit into suddenly fit. Work was going good, moderately busy and was able to talk to a friend and distract myself further. And then, everything fell to shit! He calls me and politely asks if he can come grab some warm clothes because of the snowy cold weather, he apologizes for the rude things he said and did yesterday which was nice, and then we start talking bills. I am personally struggling with this because he seems to feel like he is no longer responsible for these bills that we created together. I don’t get the luxury of walking away and saying screw it. I have to be the responsible one here! We worked so hard to get out of debt and create this life together, I am not going to have my credit ruined again. So now I am forced to look for a second job until I can let the contracts on some of our extras expire. As I am explaining this to him, he begins to get snotty, so I let him go. Not even 10 minutes later, he is calling me back asking to talk to me about us. I give in and lock myself in the conference room. He starts to tell me that my mom is the big issue, and now that she is living there, any chance that I had for him to come back is gone. Not only does this upset me, but it kills me. Why does he think it is okay to give me these glimmers of hope and then yank them away like it is nothing?! I understand that he has problems with my mom, but be a man and admit that she is not the reason we are here! I continue to tell him the things I am working on and the things I have discovered about myself that I don’t like. As I am listing them off, I tell him that since I am being honest, he should too. He should own up to what happened and admit that he was wrong. Does he?.... NOPE! It is now my fault because I asked him not to talk to her outside of work and because of that request, I pushed him into calling her. His reasoning baffles me, but I let him continue. Just as I ask him to explain what is going on in his head, he decides right in that moment to tell me that the friends he is staying with are expecting their first child. Now this woman I don’t particularly care for, she has always been rude and not a nice person. I told him when all of the fertility stuff was going on, that I don’t care who gets pregnant, I just want to get pregnant before she does. I know that is rude and cold hearted, but that is how I felt. Going back to that moment, I felt like he was standing before me with a giant knife that he stabbed in my heart. I couldn’t breathe. Why in that moment, and this time in my life, did he have to tell me that. It was probably the most painful moment thus far. Here is this woman who for the most part is just downright mean, she has everything handed to her, and she has a husband who loves her, but now, she is pregnant. She has my dream, and it is not fair! I have worked so hard for everything in my life, and where does it get me?! I have debt, no husband, and no child! I do not understand life or gods plan. Did he forget about me, am I lost under a stack of others? I just don’t get it. I feel completely heartbroken and devastated! I am not sure I can take much else. Needless to say, today is kind of a miserable day. I am hungover, still feeling shitty, and more lost than ever! I just want to know that this will get better, that there will be a light at the end of this very dark and long tunnel. Will I ever have the fairy tale ending?

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