Reflection

First things first… my little blogging secret is out. I was so excited that I had over 100 views that I forgot I had not shared with anyone that I had a blog, so when I posted it on Facebook, I had all of my friends curious about it, so I shared it. With that being said, I want to take a minute and express my overwhelming gratitude for the wonderful and amazing people I have in my life. This has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced, but has been somewhat bearable because of my friends. Growing up, I was never part of the popular groups. I was always picked last and dumped first. I would get so depressed in high school because of that fact. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized how lucky I was. I didn’t have 30 so-so friends that faded through the years, no, I had a small group of incredible friends that mean more to me than they realize! Through all of this, they have been my support, my words of encouragement, my shoulder to cry on, my ears to listen, and they do it all without compliant. I love them all so very much, and my life would not be the same without them.

 

Now that my eyes are filled with tears, I am going to get back on topic. This weekend I have really transformed, and I’m not really sure what happened. I have dropped close to 30 pounds, discovered my longing for a stronger spiritual relationship with God, uncovered some good and bad things about my character, and now feel a little more at peace with what is going on. Nothing has really changed as far as my situation. He of course passed on counseling with me this weekend, which wasn’t a surprise, but I still had hopes. I learned that even though he says he is “happy”, I know him better than he would like to admit and discovered that he is actually unhappy. I don’t know why he feels like he has to lie and put up this wall that he is hiding behind. His cold words and self-degrading remarks only show just how lost he is. I made a decision this weekend and sent a subsequent email to him detailing said decision about this situation. I am just going to “kill him with kindness” so to speak. I will not speak with harsh tones, I will not say things out of anger that I may regret, I will not fight or get pulled into a fight. It would be easy to become vengeful, let me anger show, destroy his belongings, mope around and tell him off, but I have never been one to take the easy road, so why start now? And really, as good as it would feel to get angry and get revenge, it would only feel good for that moment and would leave me with regret. So I will continue to show my love to him and remind him that I am not going anywhere, because we took vows, through good times and bad, we would always be there for each other. I will be the best person I can be and hope that he realizes what he is throwing away. Really, I have nothing left to lose. And even if all of this fails, and he really is done, I will be the real winner because I will have become stronger, smarter, fearless, healthier, and will feel good knowing I have done all that I could do and I have no regrets.