Lost

I feel completely and utterly lost! I am now entering week 3 of this hellish punishment. We communicate mainly through text messages and have spoke to him a few times, though it mainly revolves around money or bills. This is killing me, day by day, I feel like my soul is dying. I miss him, I miss him like crazy! Not only have I lost my husband, but I have lost my best friend. I want to know how his day is, and his thoughts on the shows that we like. I want to tell him about the lump on my breast I found, and I want him to come to my breast ultrasound because I am terrified. I knew everything about this man, and I feel like I now know nothing. Everything reminds me of him, everything brings back memories both good and bad, and everything makes me miss him so much more. We have only had 2 decent conversations in the past 3 weeks and that blows. What happened, I still don’t understand. I feel blindsided and cheated. I know I am not the first person to go through this, but I honestly thought that this would never happen to us. I thought we knew each other and had a strong, great marriage. I believed in my heart that we were going to be together forever. Just last month I had a dream that I swore was a glimpse into our future. We went to our appointment in November and they gave us the go ahead with IUI where on our first attempt, we conceived. We went on to have b/g twins who looked like the perfect mix of us. They were running around outside early on a Saturday, playing with their dad in the tree house while I made waffles for breakfast. It seemed so real and not outside the realm of possibility. But now, I am left with an empty bed, empty feelings, and broken promises. I am devastated. The worse part for me is the uncertainty. He tells me he is done, but then tells me there is still a small chance. He tells me he wants to get his own place and that he is not “in love” with me anymore, but then asks me if I know that he is meant for me and if he will make me happy. I invited him to counseling this Saturday, and to my surprise, he said he would consider it. I honestly don’t think he will go, but it would be amazing if he did. I want a different perspective of someone who has dealt with this before and who can objectively tell it like it is. I get so confused, and when we talk, emotions run high. It would be nice to have a moderator help us to either work on it or to help me get through this. Sometimes I feel silly holding on this hard and trying this hard after everything he has done to me, but I love him. I never realized how much I loved him or how strong that love is. I know it is going to be hard, hard work to make our marriage work, but I want to work. I am ready to put aside everything that has happened, everything that we have said and done to each other, and have the most amazing marriage. He is my soul mate, my one true love. We can overcome anything, I know we can. I just want my husband back, and I will do everything in my power to make this happen. He has to see the love, he has to see how much he means to me, and he has to remember how much I meant to him. It wasn’t too long ago that he told me I was his life and his best friend, and as strong as a person is, and how stubborn they can be, they cannot forget those feelings, and they cannot lose them overnight. I love him more than words can say, more than the ugly choices he has made, and more than the hurt that I feel. I love him, he is my life.