Take me out of this funk

I have been in a funk the last few days and I am desperately trying to get out of it. There are two main causes of said funk, and they are both kind of ridiculous. So let’s start with the first one: Trust/Relationships. Ever since everything happened with my marriage, I have a very hard time trusting anyone and I have an even harder time believing that I am worth something. I often feel like a placeholder, a pawn in someone’s life that is just there to fill the time until something better comes along. I am decent company and am a nice enough person they can work with for the time being, but as soon as something else comes up, I am easy to drop and forget about. Being cheated on is an awful feeling and really does a number on your confidence. I loved my husband more than anything, and the thought of doing something that terrible not only disgusted me but was just unfathomable. I could not imagine hurting him that badly. The fact that it was so easy for him to cheat, deceive, and hurt me so badly, makes me feel like I was not worth much. So not only do I have self-esteem issues, but I also have severe trust issues. These are coming out in full force with D. I am now always suspicious of his motives, I get crazy jealous when he is texting and assume it is other women, and I always wonder in the back of my mind, how long will it take for him to find someone new and drop his placeholder. I can’t help but feel that way, and act like a crazy jealous lunatic. I feel terrible that I am projecting all of my insecurities on to him, but as hard as I try to keep them in, they come pouring out. I am trying to protect myself from that ever happening to me again, but in the process, I am also pushing myself further from someone I care about. I really don’t know how long things with D will last or if there is a future for us, but I am really having a hard time finding a balance of protecting myself and putting a strain on us. How do I just forget about what my ex did to me and how I felt and how I was deceived and move on? How do I not let me emotions get out of control and let me jealousy subside? How do I let go of my insecurities? I keep going back to trust. I just have to put my trust in him and hope that he will not hurt me. It is a risk letting someone in and trusting them, I just have to make sure that he is worth the risk.

 

So now on to my second cause of this funk: my life plans. For so long I had plans for my life, goals that I tried reaching. For the most part, I achieved the majority of them. I have a great job, wonderful friends, house, car, pets, and have been working on my health. The only thing that I have not achieved is having children. 2 years ago when we started trying for kids, I told myself that as long as I have my first one before I turn 30, I will be okay. This year I turn 29. Realizing that my goal may never happen is extremely disheartening. All I have ever wanted was a family with lots of little children! I feel that if I have my first after I am 30, that I may never have that big family I wanted. Not saying that 30 is old, but as a women, your fertility decreases with age, and I hate feeling that I am losing out on all of this time. It angers me that he ripped everything away from me! I hate that I don’t get to move on to that phase in my life with all of my friends. I am left behind in the dust collecting my life as I go. It is just a terrible feeling.  And if for some reason or another, I get pregnant by D or someone else in my life, I know that moment will not be nearly as happy/exciting as it would have been had it come from me and my husband. As happy as I would be to be pregnant, I would then have to face reality to the fact that I would not be married to this person, it would be conceived out of wedlock, and it would be an uncertain future for this child as to whether or not they have a permanent family. The moment I have imagined of telling my mom and friends that I am pregnant would change to one of embarrassment and guilt rather than excitement and elation. It is in these moments that I wish that life could go back to normal, that I could have my husband and future back. Nothing in life prepares you for moments or feelings like this. Every day I am learning how to move on and how to deal with new feelings that appear. I just want more than anything to know that it will get better, that I will have that family one day instead of having this hallow emptiness of uncertainty. So now that I have thoroughly depressed readers….I am going to suck it up and put on a smile and hope for the best. Tonight I am going to go on a date with D and invest in a big bottle of wine! Cheers!