Greater things are ahead

Through all of my depressed moments, there has been one thing that constantly pulls me out, and that is my desire and passion to be a mother. That is why my decision was so easy....by November, I am going to start the insemination process using a donor! I made the decision because I am tired of waiting! I thought about this month's ago, but threw the idea out because I thought about what a selfish decision I would be making. I would be bringing a child into the world without a father and that alone would make them miss out on so much. So I kind of buried the idea and let it go until I had an amazing conversation with one of my best friends. I told her my idea and how silly I thought it was but she didn’t think so. She asked me why I felt like they would be missing out and I explained the disappointment I had with my father basically abandoning me and not caring enough to be in the picture. She asked me if there was anything besides abandonment that I felt or if I has specifically missed out on anything. I sat there reflecting and I couldn’t think of anything. My mother had been both mom and dad to me, and I had so much love, laughter, good times, encouragement, and compassion that it felt like 2 people. She helped me realize that even though I would be doing this without a man; there wouldn’t be that feeling of abandonment because there would never be a man in the picture. The child would always know where they came from and there would be more love than they would know what to do with. There were upsides to this as well….the child would be solely mine, I wouldn’t have to deal with custody drama, and if somewhere down the line I have a stable and loving relationship, that man could always adopt that child. I became instantly excited and equally obsessed. I have had mixed reactions from this, but I think all in all everyone would love and support me and the child. I know for a fact that I have an amazing support system and that helps solidify my decision even more! So for the time being, I am going to continue weight loss, and prepare my body and bank account for the upcoming procedure! I cannot wait!

If Only...

It has been a little rough the past few days….It is so hard to think about my future without feeling overwhelmed, lost, confused, and just plain hopeless. I do have a lot going for me, but for the things that really matter to me, I am getting further and further away from that goal. I want children more than anything in the entire world, and I am really starting to get scared that it may never happen. I will be approaching 30 in a year and a half, and I have yet to even be pregnant. Not only do I have to worry about finding that man I love, marrying him, and hoping he wants a family as soon as I do…but now I am in a race with my declining egg supply and peak fertility. This thought terrifies me more than anything. I am almost tempted to just say fuck it, throw caution to the wind and see if Mr. D’s swimmers are as good as he says. I know that is a completely selfish and irresponsible thought, but at this point in my life, I am so tired of following the rules and doing things the ‘normal’ way. What has it done for me thus far?! I mean, just a few months ago I was thinking about sperm donation…why not pocket that money and take what is in front of me. He is a great guy with a good heart and makes some pretty adorable children. It’s that whole baby brain thing….once you have it, it is near impossible to think logically or clearly when the end result is a child that is wanted so desperately.

 Lately, I have been clouded with thoughts of my past. I get these clear images of moments in time that seem so real that I feel like I have slipped into a time machine and am reliving them. Last night I kept going back to the moment we stepped into our home for the first time at the open house. I had a crappy attitude about the location and was less than enthused to see the house, but as soon as I walked in, I was transformed. It was beautiful and simple, yet was everything I was looking for. The moment I knew it was going to be our home was when I walked into the kitchen and saw my husband with his eyes lit up and a huge smile spread across his face as he was fixated on the tree house in the back yard. I had an image flash across my mind which showed a glimpse into the future I longed for….him and the children playing outside and in the tree house as I made breakfast and watched blissfully from the kitchen window. I can still feel the immense happiness and hopefulness that filled my body. I couldn’t wait to snatch this up and create our little bit of heaven. I just knew this was the start of our dreams turning into reality. If I had only known…

 I think of things that could have been, that should have been and can’t help and feel deeply saddened….I almost had it all. It almost seems like such a cruel joke to dangle everything I have ever wanted within my reach and snatch it away almost instantaneously. One fell swoop and everything was gone. I know there is a chance I could still have it all, but things will never be the same. I will never feel the way that I did that day. But on the other hand, I guess I will now view things differently and not take anything for granted. I just assumed that life was that good, that I could have everything I have ever wanted just like that. I wish I could go back to that time, even for just one day. I would hold my husband tightly, cover him in kisses, tell him endlessly how much I love and cherish him, and take in every feeling, every smile, every word and be infinitely happy…even for just one day. I wish I had known how close I was to losing everything, because maybe things would have been different.

Neverending pursuit to happiness

Today was one of the hardest days I have had in a while. My first court date for the divorce was today, something I was not looking forward to. Up until Saturday, we had been getting along pretty well and have been able to be around each other without any fights, it was actually quite pleasant…but we got a little snippy with each other and that lead to both of us saying hurtful things and leaving our newly built odd relationship in shambles. That made my upcoming court date something I was dreading. I had a dream last night that we ran into each other in a hotel in Vegas and ended up hooking up and talking things out and decided to give it another shot. Waking up to the devastation that it was just a dream should have been my first clue to how the day would go. I got to the courthouse and as I entered the room, I saw him sitting at the table. I sat across from him, not saying a word and only made eye contact once. About 15 minutes into it, I began to think about things and became emotional. As tears filled my eyes, I could feel him looking at me, and when I decided to look up, he covered his eyes with his hands. I wanted so badly to say something but didn’t know what. I finally got the courage to approach him and ask him if this is still what he wants…his reply was ‘yes’ and ‘we are both happy, so why not?’. I replied that I was not happy and would give anything for another chance to which he replied ‘no thanks’…I was crushed! I tried my best to not let my hurt show but it was near impossible. We went into the room with the court official and got a briefing of upcoming dates. As I sat there trying hard to focus on this guys words and not the tears welling up in my eyes, I failed, and they were streaming down my face. 15 minutes later, we were on our way. As soon as I left the room, I lost it. I cried all the way down the hall into the restroom. I composed myself as best I could and made it out to my car. It was absolutely awful! I love this man so much more than he deserves, and really, it’s my own fault that I got hurt today, I should have known how cold he would be. This really is the beginning of the end, and I have to accept that. I only really have to deal with him a few more times until this is over, and it will be hard, but I have to stop hoping that things will change, that he will change, and that this can be fixed. It needs to be over. Truly over!

 

I just feel so lost in life. I have a great job and wonderful friends and family, but there are things that keep pulling me down. I am now the only person in the house with a job again, and it sucks! Before, I had a savings that we were living off of, and now, there is nothing. I am really scared and don’t know what to do. Not only that, but I am not getting any closer to having a child and I really do fear that it will never happen. It would totally be karma that as much as I have thrown the fact that my ex couldn’t have kids in his face, that I will be the childless one. My ten year reunion is coming up next month and what do I have to show for my life…no children, and a failed marriage. I am a failure! I just want life to be good again. I don’t mind struggles, but this is ridiculous! I don’t ask for much in life, I live simply and expect nothing…I just want more than anything to become a mother but I can’t seem to make that happen. I just want to run away for a while….run from my bills, my relationships, my problems, and focus on me. I want to be happy again! Since that is not in my immediate future, I will resort to a bottle or bottles of wine! Here’s hoping that it takes me out of this funk!

Good ole' clairty

This weekend gave me a ton of clarity for which I am thankful for! Friday night I was still feeling so confused and frustrated by decided that as soon as I left work it was out of my head and I would enjoy my weekend with D. Things were going good and we were having a lot of fun! Friday night was movie night…we saw OZ and Admissions, both of which were great…and Saturday was spent indoors courtesy of the snow where we snuggled and watched It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Every now and then I had thoughts of my husband pop into my head but I quickly dismissed them. Sunday morning, we got up and were hanging out downstairs before going to our food event that I got tickets for. I was texting a friend about her upcoming vacation and really began to wonder how her and her fiancés dinner with my husband went. I asked her and she replied that it went great and that he brought the girl he left me for along. She said that she was nice and they seemed happy together. It hit me like a ton of bricks! I felt sick to my stomach and could feel the tears building up nearly ready to explode out of my eyes. I excused myself out of the room and opened the flood gates. After talking to my friend about everything that went on between us and our conversations, I realized just how much of a disgusting human being he was and how this was actually a good thing. I have my answer and am now finally ready to move on. It truly is over. He told me a lot of good things I wanted to hear, but I was the fool for believing them and put way too much thought and value on his words. I need to take them for what they are. He is and will always be selfish. Now that the feelings were out of the way, I really began to think about my relationship with D and evaluate where I was, where he was, and if there could be a future with us. There were 3 things that drove me crazy about this boy, and I wondered if those things would ever change. The first being his job situation followed by the car situation…both of which were previously discussed and he is taking the initiative to fix them. The last thing has got to be my biggest complaint which is the situation with his children. He has 3 children. A boy who is 12, a girl who is 5, and another boy who is 3. The 12 year old is an understandable situation…the mom is crazy and ran off with a man double her age and she passes the son off as that guys never telling him any different. So I understand the reason he doesn’t have a relationship with that one. The other 2 are different stories. Both of the moms he has problems with and says it was too much drama and hassle to go through. I have a huge problem with that because I know what being on the other end of that is like. I wish my father had put effort into a relationship…I wish that I could have been worth that hassle. Those children have done nothing wrong and yet they are left without a father to care for them. It broke my heart and really made me see D in a whole different unflattering light. So last night I was feeling pretty ballsy and confronted him on it. An hour of arguing and explaining both sides, I was done. It was obvious that he wasn’t going to change his mind. As I laid there, I realized that I would have to decide if this is the kind of person I want to be with, not only that, but I also had to wonder, that is for some reason I became pregnant, would I be just another child support payment to him. It really upset me and disgusted me at the same time. I drifted off with my thoughts. An hour or so later, I awoke to a bright light in the bedroom. He had grabbed the computer and was looking at pictures. I asked what he was doing, he said that he was looking at pics of his kids. He asked if I wanted to see them. The first set were of his daughter. A beautiful chubby cheeked blonde haired-blue eyed little girl with an adorable smile. I immediately recognized him in her. She was absolutely adorable. Then was his little boy. Another cutie with the same gorgeous eyes as his dad but with a thick head of dark hair and a melt your heart smile. I can say that he does make some pretty damn cute kids! I wanted to ask why he was looking at them, and before I spoke, he told me that he wrote his ex a letter asking to be part of his daughters life. It was a really heartfelt and apologetic letter that was very touching. I felt so proud of him and my heart filled with adoration for this man. He looked at me and thanked me. We shared a kiss and went to bed. This morning, I felt remorse for jumping down his throat. I was way out of line and it was not my place to put such judgment on him. I apologized for my comments and explained that my daddy issues came out in full force surprising me of just how much they had an effect on me. I told me that  he was so thankful I said what I said because he never thought about where his kids were coming from, and although he wanted to make an effort, he never had someone who cared enough push him to do it. And he told me that if anything were to happen as far as pregnancy, he would not run. I had never seen him like this, so sincere and so broke down. I felt so connected to him and I felt good inside…if we don’t work out, at least I was able to connect a beautiful little girl with her wonderful dad. That alone is worth everything! These events really had an impact on how much I care for D. I am really falling for this man and really feel like we could have a great future together. It sounds so crazy that I have these feelings after such a short amount of time, but it just feels right! I am so thankful for how things have worked out this far…even if at the time I couldn’t see it.

The truth and nothing but the truth

So I started this blog as an honest account of my life...and while I have been honest...I have also left out a few things for various reasons. I feel like I need to have a word vomit moment to get all of this out...so here goes!

I am going insane with the thoughts in my head…my head is spinning and I am not sure what do to or what the next step in my life will be. Let’s start with my biggest dilemma…my husband. I am so confused, more than I have ever been thus far. As things are progressing in our divorce, I feel like he is reaching out to me and grasping at what is left of our relationship. The past few weeks we have talked a lot, met a few times, and have almost fallen back into the way we used to be around each other. We have been able to talk to each other and joke around very light-heartedly, talk about life in general, and even flirt a little bit. Yesterdays conversation just blew my mind…he was flirty, said we should go to concerts and a food event together, and even apologized for what happened…something he has NEVER done. All I could do was cry…I am so confused. A few weeks ago I sent him a text asking him if we could be friends. This was something I was very against, and even told him that I can’t wait until everything is over so I don’t have to see him again. I thought it would be easier until our friends became engaged and the realization that I would have to see him at their wedding hit me. Then nostalgia kicked in and I really started to miss him. I miss being able to share my life events with him…to talk about music or shows…to get advice…and really, I just miss his personality and humor. I thought about what life would look like if I couldn’t see him or talk to him again and it really made me incredibly sad. He was my love and best friend, and now I’m not sure where we stand. I received no response to my text which didn’t really surprise me. About a week later, we were talking on the phone and the text got brought up, and he said he didn’t respond because he didn’t know what to say…he agreed with it and did want a friendship. So back to yesterdays convo…I’m not exactly sure what that was…was it him just being friendly, or as time progresses, is he really missing what we have? It is so hard to read him, and I feel like if I talk to him about it, I am just going to push him away. I am not sure what to do, if anything. This whole thing is getting so messy and so frustrating. Here we are, in the middle of our divorce, dating different people, but somehow there is still this strong connection and we can’t seem to let go of one another. Last Saturday we spent the morning together dividing up property and getting our taxes done and I could swear on everything that there was a very strong spark between us. We were goofy, flirty, and neither of us seemed to want to say goodbye. I am so so confused! Every time I think about us and the divorce, I just can’t picture us going through with it. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking. I know that getting any form of a relationship back will take a ton of work and will not be easy by any means…but aren’t the best things in life worth fighting for?! My boss told me yesterday that her and her husband were getting divorced, and 6 months into it, they broke down and decided to tear up the papers and give it another shot. They worked hard and it nearly took a year before they even had a good relationship. She said that one year was awful, but the 25 after that were amazing! We have an amazing structure that we can build on to have a wonderful marriage. I am all for giving this another try, I’m just not sure where he is. And I am not sure what to do. Do I tell him and risk pushing him away? Do I leave it alone and just see what happens? I have absolutely no clue what to do or where to go from here!

Now to make myself sound like an absolutely horrible person…the other thing on my mind is D. Things are going really well with him which makes me feel terrible that I am considering all of this all the while still dating him. I am basically keeping him on the back burner which is awful! I feel like a disgusting person, but I know that by sharing my feelings, I am really just going to hurt him, so I will continue to be a horrible person and keep him in the dark. I’m not even really sure how I feel about him or where this is going. He is such a wonderful person and we get along so well, but things are starting to drive me crazy! It has been about a month now that D has been out of work. He got let go from his previous job and has been looking for another one…though our definitions of “looking” are two different things. This boy has no savings and right now is pretty much dead broke, but he seems to be lacking motivation in finding a job. I let him borrow my laptop so he can job search during the day. So far, in the past month, I think he has sent out maybe 20 applications and is being picky as hell. I understand not wanting to take a crap job, but if I am broke, a crap job is better than no job at all. A $8 an hour job is a raise from $0. At this point, he really doesn’t have the option to be picky and it seems like he doesn’t get that. It really bothers me that he doesn’t have more ambition. The other thing that drives me crazy is that he doesn’t drive! He has no license or vehicle and it doesn’t fall high on his list of priorities. I don’t mind doing the chauffer thing right now, but it is getting old fast! Other than those things though, he is a really great guy! He is loving, caring, compassionate, funny, insightful, friendly, flirty, and we get along really well! Though I’m not sure if I see long term for us. I had to think about this because over the weekend, he dropped the L word. I started to tear up because it meant a lot, but I couldn’t say anything because I’m not there. I think I could get there one day, but at the moment, I am not. I love spending time with him and he makes me feel so special and wonderful, but there are so many things that need to be resolved first before I can think about going long term with D. I may be too overcritical with him, but I feel at 34, he should have his life together more or at least have a better concept of things like jobs, spending habits, time management, and things like that. I get that you can’t control life circumstances, but it’s how you recover from them that defines you. I just wish he could make better decisions. I sound so superficial right now and like a total nag, but I just want good in my life, not someone who will drag me down, not that he would do that, but I want to prevent it before I get too involved.

 

So there it is…the good, bad and ugly…but the truth none the less. I made an appointment with my counselor to try and figure out these thoughts that are bouncing around in my head so I can make sense of them and work towards my next step. I hope she can give me some clarity because I am a hot mess!

Staring down the dark tunnel

I am not wealthy…have never been wealthy and will probably never be wealthy. I am okay with that! I have grown up with very little in my life but never really felt like I was missing out on anything. Of course there were times where I had to skip out on events with friends because of funds, but for the most part, I was content with what I had and never went without important things. As I have grown up and have made purchases throughout my adult life, I have really come to value what I have and always make sure I take care of the things I have. Even the simplest of things I treasure. I am not a materialistic person. Do I wish I had more things or newer things? Yes, but who doesn’t?! But it doesn’t ruin my life or control it. That was one of the biggest problems in my marriage. He came from money and though we didn’t have much of it in our relationship, he always made a big deal about the things we had and never seemed quite satisfied. Things were always referred to as “mine” rather than “ours” and we were never able to save because there was always something that needed to be purchased. It’s not necessarily a bad thing because that kind of mentality helped us when we were purchasing our home,  but it created a lot of problems because of his selfishness. I say all of this because I am completely amazed at his level of selfishness. Just when I think he may have let that trait go….out of nowhere, it rears its ugly head! A few weeks ago we talked about division of property and made plans to sit down together and decided who gets what. I offered up a trade to him; I would give our dog to him and any furniture he wanted that we agreed on and in exchange, I wouldn’t have to buy him out of the house or give him any money from the house as I will lose any of the home’s value when I refinance it and put it in my name. He agreed to that deal. Yesterday, I had a phone conference with his lawyer and he informed me that my husband is insisting on getting money from the house. I was so angry and hurt that he lied to me like that! Not only that, but he told me over and over again to trust him, that he would not screw me over! I got off the phone with the lawyer, and called my soon to be ex! He said that if he didn’t get enough money from our tax return that he wants money from the house. He seems to think that it’s fair. So apparently it’s fair that he up and left me with all of the bills, all of the care and maintenance of the house as well as our pets, rips apart our marriage, and gets a new girlfriend, but also gets anything he wants as far as furniture AND money from the house?! He is absolutely ridiculous! I am trying to be as fair as possible and am trying not to be demanding or ask for a lot. All I wanted was the house! I could go after him for half of the house payments or spousal support, but I’m not…and this is how I get repaid! I don’t feel like being the nice and rational one anymore. I feel like turning into a complete selfish and vindictive bitch! I am so tired of being walked all over and treated so shitty! He holds things over my head and when he wants something from me, he is really nice and sucks up. I don’t want to be taken advantage of any longer! I don’t deserve it! I just want this to be done and over with. At this point, I have done all I can do to try and save my house, but it’s out of my hands and all I can do is pray. I am meeting with him Saturday, and my next court date is on April 2^nd…here’s hoping I don’t strangle him out of pure rage when I see him! Deep breaths and happy thoughts are what I keep repeating and will repeat until it’s over!

Lifes little surprises

It has been a bit since I have written and I figure it was about time for an update! Things are going pretty good for me lately...a little crazy at times...but good none the less. I have a court date set for the start of the divorce and have a phone conference scheduled this week with his attorney. Things are starting to finally sink in regarding that part of my life. It was strange watching thing actually come into fruition. Before, it was just an idea, something I thought would never actually happen. To be in the place I am today is so bizarre to me. If you had told me 8 months ago that this would be my life, I would have never believed it! Getting the papers really turned this into a reality and forced me to let go the little bit of hope I had that this wouldn't actually happen. In my head, I was ready to let go, but my heart still held out hope. At this point, I feel good about where things are going and every day I heal a little bit more.

 

Things with D have been really great! We have hit a few bumps in the road, but have been able to bounce back. I love how easy it is to talk to him. Anytime we have an argument, it is usually contained and over with remarkably fast. We are respectful to one another and we almost never lose our cool. Such a change of pace from what I am used to. Last night was so much fun and really made me like this guy even more! One of my friends had a birthday party yesterday. I told D about it and we discussed that since it was a birthday party and not just a random gathering, that I would see if she invites him, and if she didn't, we would go hang with his friends for the night. We all went to church in the morning and just before leaving, she invited him to the party. I was pretty nervous because with my ex, it was a pretty rare occasion that he got along with others in a group setting. He made really bad first impressions and became abrasive sometimes. It was really hard to not get embarrassed or apologize profusely for his actions. So for the most part, we hardly got invited to group hangouts. I really hoped that D would be different. Not only that, but I hoped that people would look past the fact that I have someone new, and they would get along really well. I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised! He was so wonderful! He was hilarious, charming, witty, friendly, and it seemed as though he had won the crowd over. I was so impressed and so proud to be holding this man's hand! It really helped solidify the feelings that I have for him! I always wonder in the back of my mind if I am pushing things or if this was too early, but everything just feels right and natural! I'm very excited to see where this goes! A random side note which I thought was really crazy cool...turns out, I went to junior high with his sister! We discovered we went to the same school, and he wondered if I knew her. I pulled out my yearbook to look, and out falls this picture of my in show choir standing next to his sister! So crazy....and very serendipitous! Very bizarre how things all work out! I'm sure to have more stories soon, but for now, I am going to enjoy this crazy and strange life I am living!