Good ole' clairty

This weekend gave me a ton of clarity for which I am thankful for! Friday night I was still feeling so confused and frustrated by decided that as soon as I left work it was out of my head and I would enjoy my weekend with D. Things were going good and we were having a lot of fun! Friday night was movie night…we saw OZ and Admissions, both of which were great…and Saturday was spent indoors courtesy of the snow where we snuggled and watched It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Every now and then I had thoughts of my husband pop into my head but I quickly dismissed them. Sunday morning, we got up and were hanging out downstairs before going to our food event that I got tickets for. I was texting a friend about her upcoming vacation and really began to wonder how her and her fiancés dinner with my husband went. I asked her and she replied that it went great and that he brought the girl he left me for along. She said that she was nice and they seemed happy together. It hit me like a ton of bricks! I felt sick to my stomach and could feel the tears building up nearly ready to explode out of my eyes. I excused myself out of the room and opened the flood gates. After talking to my friend about everything that went on between us and our conversations, I realized just how much of a disgusting human being he was and how this was actually a good thing. I have my answer and am now finally ready to move on. It truly is over. He told me a lot of good things I wanted to hear, but I was the fool for believing them and put way too much thought and value on his words. I need to take them for what they are. He is and will always be selfish. Now that the feelings were out of the way, I really began to think about my relationship with D and evaluate where I was, where he was, and if there could be a future with us. There were 3 things that drove me crazy about this boy, and I wondered if those things would ever change. The first being his job situation followed by the car situation…both of which were previously discussed and he is taking the initiative to fix them. The last thing has got to be my biggest complaint which is the situation with his children. He has 3 children. A boy who is 12, a girl who is 5, and another boy who is 3. The 12 year old is an understandable situation…the mom is crazy and ran off with a man double her age and she passes the son off as that guys never telling him any different. So I understand the reason he doesn’t have a relationship with that one. The other 2 are different stories. Both of the moms he has problems with and says it was too much drama and hassle to go through. I have a huge problem with that because I know what being on the other end of that is like. I wish my father had put effort into a relationship…I wish that I could have been worth that hassle. Those children have done nothing wrong and yet they are left without a father to care for them. It broke my heart and really made me see D in a whole different unflattering light. So last night I was feeling pretty ballsy and confronted him on it. An hour of arguing and explaining both sides, I was done. It was obvious that he wasn’t going to change his mind. As I laid there, I realized that I would have to decide if this is the kind of person I want to be with, not only that, but I also had to wonder, that is for some reason I became pregnant, would I be just another child support payment to him. It really upset me and disgusted me at the same time. I drifted off with my thoughts. An hour or so later, I awoke to a bright light in the bedroom. He had grabbed the computer and was looking at pictures. I asked what he was doing, he said that he was looking at pics of his kids. He asked if I wanted to see them. The first set were of his daughter. A beautiful chubby cheeked blonde haired-blue eyed little girl with an adorable smile. I immediately recognized him in her. She was absolutely adorable. Then was his little boy. Another cutie with the same gorgeous eyes as his dad but with a thick head of dark hair and a melt your heart smile. I can say that he does make some pretty damn cute kids! I wanted to ask why he was looking at them, and before I spoke, he told me that he wrote his ex a letter asking to be part of his daughters life. It was a really heartfelt and apologetic letter that was very touching. I felt so proud of him and my heart filled with adoration for this man. He looked at me and thanked me. We shared a kiss and went to bed. This morning, I felt remorse for jumping down his throat. I was way out of line and it was not my place to put such judgment on him. I apologized for my comments and explained that my daddy issues came out in full force surprising me of just how much they had an effect on me. I told me that  he was so thankful I said what I said because he never thought about where his kids were coming from, and although he wanted to make an effort, he never had someone who cared enough push him to do it. And he told me that if anything were to happen as far as pregnancy, he would not run. I had never seen him like this, so sincere and so broke down. I felt so connected to him and I felt good inside…if we don’t work out, at least I was able to connect a beautiful little girl with her wonderful dad. That alone is worth everything! These events really had an impact on how much I care for D. I am really falling for this man and really feel like we could have a great future together. It sounds so crazy that I have these feelings after such a short amount of time, but it just feels right! I am so thankful for how things have worked out this far…even if at the time I couldn’t see it.