I am going insane with the thoughts in my head…my head is spinning and I am not sure what do to or what the next step in my life will be. Let’s start with my biggest dilemma…my husband. I am so confused, more than I have ever been thus far. As things are progressing in our divorce, I feel like he is reaching out to me and grasping at what is left of our relationship. The past few weeks we have talked a lot, met a few times, and have almost fallen back into the way we used to be around each other. We have been able to talk to each other and joke around very light-heartedly, talk about life in general, and even flirt a little bit. Yesterdays conversation just blew my mind…he was flirty, said we should go to concerts and a food event together, and even apologized for what happened…something he has NEVER done. All I could do was cry…I am so confused. A few weeks ago I sent him a text asking him if we could be friends. This was something I was very against, and even told him that I can’t wait until everything is over so I don’t have to see him again. I thought it would be easier until our friends became engaged and the realization that I would have to see him at their wedding hit me. Then nostalgia kicked in and I really started to miss him. I miss being able to share my life events with him…to talk about music or shows…to get advice…and really, I just miss his personality and humor. I thought about what life would look like if I couldn’t see him or talk to him again and it really made me incredibly sad. He was my love and best friend, and now I’m not sure where we stand. I received no response to my text which didn’t really surprise me. About a week later, we were talking on the phone and the text got brought up, and he said he didn’t respond because he didn’t know what to say…he agreed with it and did want a friendship. So back to yesterdays convo…I’m not exactly sure what that was…was it him just being friendly, or as time progresses, is he really missing what we have? It is so hard to read him, and I feel like if I talk to him about it, I am just going to push him away. I am not sure what to do, if anything. This whole thing is getting so messy and so frustrating. Here we are, in the middle of our divorce, dating different people, but somehow there is still this strong connection and we can’t seem to let go of one another. Last Saturday we spent the morning together dividing up property and getting our taxes done and I could swear on everything that there was a very strong spark between us. We were goofy, flirty, and neither of us seemed to want to say goodbye. I am so so confused! Every time I think about us and the divorce, I just can’t picture us going through with it. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking. I know that getting any form of a relationship back will take a ton of work and will not be easy by any means…but aren’t the best things in life worth fighting for?! My boss told me yesterday that her and her husband were getting divorced, and 6 months into it, they broke down and decided to tear up the papers and give it another shot. They worked hard and it nearly took a year before they even had a good relationship. She said that one year was awful, but the 25 after that were amazing! We have an amazing structure that we can build on to have a wonderful marriage. I am all for giving this another try, I’m just not sure where he is. And I am not sure what to do. Do I tell him and risk pushing him away? Do I leave it alone and just see what happens? I have absolutely no clue what to do or where to go from here!
Now to make myself
sound like an absolutely horrible person…the other thing on my mind is D.
Things are going really well with him which makes me feel terrible that I am
considering all of this all the while still dating him. I am basically keeping
him on the back burner which is awful! I feel like a disgusting person, but I know
that by sharing my feelings, I am really just going to hurt him, so I will
continue to be a horrible person and keep him in the dark. I’m not even really
sure how I feel about him or where this is going. He is such a wonderful person
and we get along so well, but things are starting to drive me crazy! It has
been about a month now that D has been out of work. He got let go from his
previous job and has been looking for another one…though our definitions of “looking”
are two different things. This boy has no savings and right now is pretty much
dead broke, but he seems to be lacking motivation in finding a job. I let him
borrow my laptop so he can job search during the day. So far, in the past
month, I think he has sent out maybe 20 applications and is being picky as
hell. I understand not wanting to take a crap job, but if I am broke, a crap
job is better than no job at all. A $8 an hour job is a raise from $0. At this
point, he really doesn’t have the option to be picky and it seems like he doesn’t
get that. It really bothers me that he doesn’t have more ambition. The other
thing that drives me crazy is that he doesn’t drive! He has no license or
vehicle and it doesn’t fall high on his list of priorities. I don’t mind doing
the chauffer thing right now, but it is getting old fast! Other than those
things though, he is a really great guy! He is loving, caring, compassionate,
funny, insightful, friendly, flirty, and we get along really well! Though I’m
not sure if I see long term for us. I had to think about this because over the
weekend, he dropped the L word. I started to tear up because it meant a lot,
but I couldn’t say anything because I’m not there. I think I could get there
one day, but at the moment, I am not. I love spending time with him and he
makes me feel so special and wonderful, but there are so many things that need
to be resolved first before I can think about going long term with D. I may be
too overcritical with him, but I feel at 34, he should have his life together
more or at least have a better concept of things like jobs, spending habits,
time management, and things like that. I get that you can’t control life
circumstances, but it’s how you recover from them that defines you. I just wish
he could make better decisions. I sound so superficial right now and like a
total nag, but I just want good in my life, not someone who will drag me down,
not that he would do that, but I want to prevent it before I get too involved.
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