Neverending pursuit to happiness

Today was one of the hardest days I have had in a while. My first court date for the divorce was today, something I was not looking forward to. Up until Saturday, we had been getting along pretty well and have been able to be around each other without any fights, it was actually quite pleasant…but we got a little snippy with each other and that lead to both of us saying hurtful things and leaving our newly built odd relationship in shambles. That made my upcoming court date something I was dreading. I had a dream last night that we ran into each other in a hotel in Vegas and ended up hooking up and talking things out and decided to give it another shot. Waking up to the devastation that it was just a dream should have been my first clue to how the day would go. I got to the courthouse and as I entered the room, I saw him sitting at the table. I sat across from him, not saying a word and only made eye contact once. About 15 minutes into it, I began to think about things and became emotional. As tears filled my eyes, I could feel him looking at me, and when I decided to look up, he covered his eyes with his hands. I wanted so badly to say something but didn’t know what. I finally got the courage to approach him and ask him if this is still what he wants…his reply was ‘yes’ and ‘we are both happy, so why not?’. I replied that I was not happy and would give anything for another chance to which he replied ‘no thanks’…I was crushed! I tried my best to not let my hurt show but it was near impossible. We went into the room with the court official and got a briefing of upcoming dates. As I sat there trying hard to focus on this guys words and not the tears welling up in my eyes, I failed, and they were streaming down my face. 15 minutes later, we were on our way. As soon as I left the room, I lost it. I cried all the way down the hall into the restroom. I composed myself as best I could and made it out to my car. It was absolutely awful! I love this man so much more than he deserves, and really, it’s my own fault that I got hurt today, I should have known how cold he would be. This really is the beginning of the end, and I have to accept that. I only really have to deal with him a few more times until this is over, and it will be hard, but I have to stop hoping that things will change, that he will change, and that this can be fixed. It needs to be over. Truly over!

 

I just feel so lost in life. I have a great job and wonderful friends and family, but there are things that keep pulling me down. I am now the only person in the house with a job again, and it sucks! Before, I had a savings that we were living off of, and now, there is nothing. I am really scared and don’t know what to do. Not only that, but I am not getting any closer to having a child and I really do fear that it will never happen. It would totally be karma that as much as I have thrown the fact that my ex couldn’t have kids in his face, that I will be the childless one. My ten year reunion is coming up next month and what do I have to show for my life…no children, and a failed marriage. I am a failure! I just want life to be good again. I don’t mind struggles, but this is ridiculous! I don’t ask for much in life, I live simply and expect nothing…I just want more than anything to become a mother but I can’t seem to make that happen. I just want to run away for a while….run from my bills, my relationships, my problems, and focus on me. I want to be happy again! Since that is not in my immediate future, I will resort to a bottle or bottles of wine! Here’s hoping that it takes me out of this funk!