If Only...

It has been a little rough the past few days….It is so hard to think about my future without feeling overwhelmed, lost, confused, and just plain hopeless. I do have a lot going for me, but for the things that really matter to me, I am getting further and further away from that goal. I want children more than anything in the entire world, and I am really starting to get scared that it may never happen. I will be approaching 30 in a year and a half, and I have yet to even be pregnant. Not only do I have to worry about finding that man I love, marrying him, and hoping he wants a family as soon as I do…but now I am in a race with my declining egg supply and peak fertility. This thought terrifies me more than anything. I am almost tempted to just say fuck it, throw caution to the wind and see if Mr. D’s swimmers are as good as he says. I know that is a completely selfish and irresponsible thought, but at this point in my life, I am so tired of following the rules and doing things the ‘normal’ way. What has it done for me thus far?! I mean, just a few months ago I was thinking about sperm donation…why not pocket that money and take what is in front of me. He is a great guy with a good heart and makes some pretty adorable children. It’s that whole baby brain thing….once you have it, it is near impossible to think logically or clearly when the end result is a child that is wanted so desperately.

 Lately, I have been clouded with thoughts of my past. I get these clear images of moments in time that seem so real that I feel like I have slipped into a time machine and am reliving them. Last night I kept going back to the moment we stepped into our home for the first time at the open house. I had a crappy attitude about the location and was less than enthused to see the house, but as soon as I walked in, I was transformed. It was beautiful and simple, yet was everything I was looking for. The moment I knew it was going to be our home was when I walked into the kitchen and saw my husband with his eyes lit up and a huge smile spread across his face as he was fixated on the tree house in the back yard. I had an image flash across my mind which showed a glimpse into the future I longed for….him and the children playing outside and in the tree house as I made breakfast and watched blissfully from the kitchen window. I can still feel the immense happiness and hopefulness that filled my body. I couldn’t wait to snatch this up and create our little bit of heaven. I just knew this was the start of our dreams turning into reality. If I had only known…

 I think of things that could have been, that should have been and can’t help and feel deeply saddened….I almost had it all. It almost seems like such a cruel joke to dangle everything I have ever wanted within my reach and snatch it away almost instantaneously. One fell swoop and everything was gone. I know there is a chance I could still have it all, but things will never be the same. I will never feel the way that I did that day. But on the other hand, I guess I will now view things differently and not take anything for granted. I just assumed that life was that good, that I could have everything I have ever wanted just like that. I wish I could go back to that time, even for just one day. I would hold my husband tightly, cover him in kisses, tell him endlessly how much I love and cherish him, and take in every feeling, every smile, every word and be infinitely happy…even for just one day. I wish I had known how close I was to losing everything, because maybe things would have been different.