As time goes on

I have come to the realization that my life is weird right now. Not the average weird, but the beyond weird. I have gone through every emotion possible, lost weight, developed a relationship with God, picked up the pieces of my broken life, received strange prank calls, had more rumors spread about me than ever before, and have dealt with some pretty immature and toxic people. All of this was within the span of a week. Strange! Through all of this I have somehow found a balance to maintain my sanity and keep composed which I contribute to God, he who has given me strength and love. I hear from others how impressed they are with my strength and how I have risen above all that has happened, and I am so humbled by their words but also extremely proud of myself. None of this has been easy, and although I would like to say that all of the choices I have made thus far I am proud of, that just isn’t so. I have acted crazy and made rash decisions, but all in all, I really feel good with how things are going. I have somehow made it through some pretty big milestones with out completely falling apart. Our Anniversary was approaching and it started taking a toll. I could feel myself falling into a depression and making plans to simply sleep the day away. As the day arrived, I felt the exact opposite. I felt refreshed and on a mission. I got up, went to church, spent the afternoon with an amazing friend, went shopping, then to dinner and a movie. There were moments where I would drift off and wonder how he was spending the day then snapped out of it in time before the sadness took over. As the night ended, I reflected and journaled, double checking the other side of the bed a few times hoping that it was all a dream, and eventually fell asleep. As I awoke the next morning, I felt strong and proud that I did not allow myself to fall apart. As time goes on, it does get easier and I get stronger, but I still wish that this was just a big misunderstanding. Now that I got through that, I had to make it through my birthday. I made plans throughout the day with various people so that I stayed fairly busy and allowed my mind not to wander. I even planned a trip to Denver a few days beforehand to see one of my favorite bands, and I did it alone. I felt strong, independent, and pleased with myself. From the moment I woke up, I wondered if I would hear from him. I so badly wanted him to acknowledge our anniversary, and that didn’t happen, so I figured I would get the same treatment when it came to my birthday. A while ago, he told me that ever since we started dating, nearly every time he looks at the clock it is 11:14 and he thinks of me, so of course, every time I now see it on the clock, I think about him. I took a quick break from work and just before I left my desk, I looked at my clock and it said 11:14, I smiled, snapped a picture, and as I set my phone down, it lit up, and he was calling. My heart was racing and my smile reached from ear to ear. Not only did he call to wish me a happy birthday, but he was sweet, didn’t bring anything else up, acted like himself, but he planned the call at exactly 11:14. That was the best call of the day, and probably of the month. He went out of the way to call at that special time! The rest of the day was great, though it was the end of the night that was rough! As I headed to bed in our dark and empty room, I began to miss all of things that I took for granted that became tradition on birthdays. I had no intimate moments, no hugs or kisses, and I had no final birthday wish just before midnight. For the first time in a long time, I cried myself to sleep. I miss him, so much! I still don’t know how this happened, and I don’t know how long this will continue or if this is permanent. I still very much believe in my heart that he will come back. I have faith in us, in our love, and in God that we will be together. All of the negativity, immaturity, and bad decisions will not keep us apart. As time goes on, it hurts less, but the emptiness grows. Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching, and though this will probably be one of the hardest since this was his favorite holiday, I will get through it just I have the other events in my life. And if anything, I have my upcoming trip to Houston to visit my bestie to look forward too!