Living life and loving it

Feeling incredibly antsy at work so I thought I would take a break and do an update. Things have been going pretty well lately! Dealing with the ex-husband hasn’t been too awful, there are definitely moments where I am so thankful that it’s over; those moments usually being the ones where he is incredibly immature or just plain rude and hurtful. But as far as the divorce proceedings and the progress, we have been moving right along. It took a good few months of begging and pleading, but he finally agreed to sign the house over to me, so I will be focusing on that for a while. I qualify to carry the loan on my own but found out last week that I will have to come up with the appraisal fee of $500. That news shocked and devastated me. Since he left me with all of the bills, any savings I once had has since been depleted and I have nothing extra. My saving grace was the fact that since we get paid every other Friday, there are two times a year where we get three checks, and May happens to be that month. It really worked out perfectly! As far as the division of property, we seem to be pretty amicable about it all, the only thing I am having a hard time with is parting with our dog Zero. I love that pup so much, he has been such a great companion through this all and it sucks that I have to lose him, but I agreed to it in order to keep the house. At this point in time, I am okay with how everything is going on that front, and cannot wait until it is all over. This has been the worst experience of my life, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Things with D have been going remarkably well! I have used the L word, which in itself is a miracle because I never thought I could have those feelings again. We get along really well and I love the time we spend together. He is such a joy to be around and really brightens up my days. It is strange how fast this has all gone and even more strange when I think about the short amount of time it’s been that we have been together. I never would have thought in a million years that I would be with anyone so soon after, or that I would have such strong feelings for him.  I sometimes reflect and think about how silly it is and start to question myself and my intentions…am I doing this for the right reasons? Do I really have feelings for him or is he filling a void? Do I see long-term things for us? And the answers always amaze me….I really do have strong feelings for him, while it may fill a void, that is not the purpose for being with him, and I really can see things progressing and going long-term. There are a few things that drive me crazy, but there are far more things I love about him and they outweigh the bad by a ton! Very excited to see where this goes and am having an incredible amount of fun while doing so!

The only thing I still struggle with is the baby thing….my desire is there and stronger than ever to be a mom. I constantly think about it, dream about it, and spend most of my time googling things about it. My biggest fear is never know what it will be like to see that test come up positive, to never experience pregnancy or delivery, to never hold and look into the eyes of something I created, or to never know the purest form of love between a mother and her child. I have always known I was going to be a mother…but as time flies by, I really start to question whether or not that will be true. I pray every day that one way or another, I will be a mother, and I know God knows the desire in my heart….I just have to have faith that it will happen! But for now, my insatiable need is slowly taking over my life and I am allowing it! J I am taking it day by day and just living my life the way I want to, and having a blast while doing so!